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TE OUTSIDE FOOLS ! 

GLIMPSES INSIDE THE 

LONDON STOCK EXCHANGE. 



EEASMUS PINTO, Broker. ^ 

" The population of G-reat Britain is thirty millions, mostly fools." — The 
Sage of Chelsea. 

" Some men has plenty money and no brains, and some has plenty brains 
and no money ; — surely them a3 has plenty money and no brains was made 
for them as has plenty brains and no money." — SIR Roger Orton. 

" ' 0, cive3, cives, quasrenda pscunia primum est ; 
Virtus post nummos.' Haec Janus summus ab imo 
Perdocet, haec recinunt juvenes dictata, senesque." — Horace. 

" Nosse haec omnia salus est adolescentulis." — Terence. 





NEW YORK: 
LOVELL, ADAM, WESSON & COMPANY. 

1877. 






LOYELL PRINTING AND PUBLISHING COMPANY, 
PRINTERS. 

LAKE CHAMPLAIN PRESS, 
BOUSES POINT, N. Y. 



TO THE EEADER. 

Ye " Outside Fools/' who haply cast an eye 
Upon these pages, read them honestly ; 
Let not the Title chafe your noble minds, 
But let each learn the truth that here he finds. 
All fools are equal, taken class by class, 
Each " Outside Fool " may find an Inside Ass. 
A murrain seize that fool who sneers at all, 
As though he stood on some high pedestal. 
Dig out that darling Ego from thy heart, 
And then thou mayest act a manly part. 
Let not this book one angry feeling raise ; 
It means no harm — no venom it conveys. 
Nay, he who writes is but as he who reads : 
The pen tells truth, no better are the deeds. 
Kead, then, my merry blades, with rest of reins, 
For an ye learn or laugh, 'tis worth my pains. 



b DEDICATION. 

Well, cheer up, " Outside Fools. ,, My brothers of 
the " Inside Hall " have chosen me to tell you all I 
know, and as I was a sinner, not a saint, you'll see 
the shady side of us, and ought then to be satisfied 
that all the rest are not so bad, I am empowered to 
say that all of us allow that some improvement might 
be made in the minor details of our beautiful system, 
the elaborate production of many minds through many 
ages. What of this ? 

The Church seems in a queer condition now. 

But just because the Church and Stock Exchange 
are open to reform, are we to vilify the brokers and 
the parsons with low, coarse abuse ? We both like 
dragon sovereigns, who does not ? but holy thoughts 
prevent the parsons learning quite as much about the 
coins as we have learned. 

Our system may be open to improvement, but I 
really do not see that speculators who will leave their 
shops to come to ours need pity when they lose. The 
thing's absurd. No doubt there are black sheep on 
'Change, and I am going to show you two or three, 
but so there are in any profession, trade, or business 
you can name. What know you of first motives and 
temptations ? Who made you the judge of men ? 
My honorable brothers say it is now time to tell the 
outside world more of their ways, and then it will be 
seen which class is more to blame. You " Outside 
Fools " have got hold of the wrong end of the stick. 

It is not we who do the greatest harm. It is the 
great financiers. I don't myself believe that there 
is such wide difference between the way men stand 
against the devil's wiles, and " Charity " allows me 
to think so ; but if there be, these great financiers^ 
who can resist the wonderful temptations to which 



DEDICATION, 7 

they are exposed, don't prove the Gospel truth, 
"How hardly shall a rich man enter heaven." It 
is not well that men should grow too rich by 
any means ; but when unwieldy sums have been 
amassed by cleverly- planned juggles, artfully-con- 
structed bubble-schemes, when thousands of strug- 
gling honest men, ladies with limited incomes, and 
countless others who don't speculate and can ill afford 
to lose a pound, attracted by the dangerous and seduc- 
tive terms, Investment and Industrial Enterprise, are 
brought to beggary while these financiers batten on 
their earnings, something should be done to stay the 
ill. There loan-mongering and financing tricks have 
given these men a place which surely they do not 
deserve — a place among the merchant princes of our 
land, who have made fortunes fairly by developing 
the resources of their country, or of other lands, by 
discovering some novel combination of the raw 
material, and so finding honest paying work for 
thousands of their fellow-creatures. Yes, the wealth 
of these producers does good to others, if not to them- 
selves, whereas financiers' money is the nation's curse, 
and, I believe, brings but unhappiness to them. 

And what's the cure ? More wide-spread know- 
ledge of the way in which they work. But they buy 
all the money articles, the only source where infor- 
mation can be got. Until you know this fact, dear 
" Outside Fools," you never will be safe. 

And here again, we have no right to execrate the 
men. The system is at fault. Suppose you had a 
family to keep, and knew that if you did not work 
your own employers' will, some hundreds would be 
glad to step into your shoes, pray, would you find it 
easy to resist ? 



8 DEDICATION. 

I call, then, upon you, ye members of that honor- 
able Fourth Estate, to all combine, and stamp the evil 
out; if ye combine, the power of capital will fail to 
poison and pollute those admirable streams from 
whence our nation draws its daily education, its finan- 
cial food. 

And you ? ye men of wondrous wealth, spend more 
in slaying dragons with your means. That ostenta- 
tious charity, for which so many rich men take their 
value in another form, does little good to you at least. 

Nay, rather follow the example of that worthy 
baronet, just gone to rest, whose family's proud boast 
should be, that with such opportunities to make he 
chose to spend, and died beloved by very many friends. 
Ye have a fearful power to wield. See that ye use it 
well. 

And, lastly, you, ye " Outside Fools," give up your 
querulous complaints of brokers' want of honesty, and 
jobbers' tricks. Learn how the game is played, or give 
it up. Give up your greediness and folly, and if^you 
must gamble, have some principle and plan. Don't 
try to pick the brains of other " Outside Fools " or 
take their tips, but learn and work like honest men. 
I am instructed to assure you by my brother brokers 
that all honorable members of the London Stock 
Exchange will gladly hail the day when fewer fools 
shall come to speculate in their insensate way. 

Dear brother brokers, and you jobbers, I return you 
thanks for your great kindness in selecting me to 
speak for you. I promise you I'll do my best, nor 
will I let class-feelings hinder me from telling truth. 

I am, dear Brothers, 
Your most humble and devoted slave, 
Erasmus Pinto. 



CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER I. 

My Birth and Origin.—" Stemmata Quid Faciunt ? " 17 

CHAPTER II. 
I am offered the Post of Confidential Clerk to the Firm 

of Seesaw and Turnabout 20 

CHAPTER III. 
I Pass my Examination to the satisfaction of the Firm . . 21 

CHAPTER IV. 
The Game of Hide and Seek between Dr. Bleedall 

Grabfee and Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw 36 

CHAPTER V. 
Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw's Advice to his new Confidential 
Clerk 41 

CHAPTER VI. 
Mr. Seesaw instructs Erasmus Pinto how to deal with 

Lady clients 44 

CHAPTER Vn. 
Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw warns Erasmus Pinto against 

Speculating in Unsafe Stocks 48 

CHAPTER VIII. 
Mr. Turnabout's quaint test of a young man's fitness for 

the office of Confidential Clerk 52 

CHAPTER IX. 
Erasmus Pinto goes to dine with Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw. 54 

CHAPTER X. 
Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw's House and Position 67 

CHAPTER XI. 

Clara Seesaw 69 

A* 



10 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XII. 
Mr. Levi Gusher, of the " People's Bellowgraphic," .... 71 

CHAPTER XIII. 
Dinner — A Cynic's ideas of Romance, and the remarks 

of a learned Critic 73 

CHAPTER XIY. 
Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci 77 

CHAPTER XV. 
Across the Walnuts and the Wine 80 

CHAPTER XVI. 
A Bold Stroke lor a Wife 83 

CHAPTER XVII. 

The Honorable Walter Loftus' Tip 87 

CHAPTER XVIII. 
Lunch and a Doctor's Widow's Prescription 91 

CHAPTER XIX. 

Stephen Jobberstock's option turns up trumps, and the 

house is checkmated by Dizzy, Derby, and Sidonia. 96 

CHAPTER XX. 
Erasmus Pinto reassures the broken spirits of his Firm. 101 

CHAPTER XXI. 
The Telegraphic Cable of Love. — How the Cables of Love 
worked. — " Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque re- 

curret" 105 

CHAPTER XXII. 

The Telegraphic Messages of Love 112 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

Clara Seesaw's Ideas on Love 114 

CHAPTER XXIV. 
Erasmus Pinto's Remedy for the Great Want of the Age. 118 

CHAPTER XXV. 
The General Matrimonial Alliance Association (Limited) 120 



CONTENTS. 11 

CHAPTER XXV. (Continued.) 
An Object of Love selected by the Odic or Magnetic 

Current • 128 

CHAPTER XXVI. 
All About a Fall; a Corinthian, and a Tea-party 137 

CHAPTER XXVII. 
All About a Cook, a Bath, and The Consequences 142 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 
A Discovery . .' 1 46 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

Qualms of Conscience felt by the late Nathaniel Seesaw, 

Esq., about his business as a Broker 147 

CHAPTER XXX. 
The late Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw's Posthumous Views on 
the Causes of Speculation 150 

CHAPTER XXXI. 

On " Bearing "and ''Bulling" 157 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

A Doctor's View of the Rights of Property 172 

CHAPTER XXXIII. 

A Broker's Idea of a Gentleman and a Snob 179 

CHAPTER XXXIV. 
The History of Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Ex- 

M.P. for Rottenboro' 186 

' CHAPTER XXXV. 

Dr. Sana Mens 5 Views of Extraordinary Crimes 189 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 
Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Esq., becomes a Bull 

of Peru 1 91 

CHAPTER XXXVII. 
0. M. Bubchook, Esq., in Account with Messrs. Seesaw 

and Turnabout 198 



12 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Esq., becomes a Bear 

of North British Railway Stock 200 

CHAPTER XXXIX. 

The History of Mr. and Mrs. Silas Snoad, and Dr. Sana 

Mens 5 Views on Teetotalers 206 

CHAPTER XL. 
Dr. Sana Mens on the use of the wonderful words Myfiev 

Ayav 208 

CHAPTER XLI. 
Dr. Sana Mens gives further valuable advice how to im- 
prove the quality of Tea and reduce the price of 
Meat 210 

CHAPTER XLII. 
How to prevent the Plague and Check the Overgrowth 

of Population 211 

CHAPTER XLIII. 
The Excellent and Mysterious Investment of Mr. Silas 
Snoad, and what effect the Want of a Narcotizer had 
upon a Cabman 213 

CHAPTER XLIV. 
The Discovery of Mr. Silas Snoad's Mysterious Invest- 
ment 216 

CHAPTER XLV. 
The Wonderful Ships that were to sail across the Land 

on Wheels 218 

CHAPTER XL VI. 

The Rise in North British continues 219 

CHAPTER XL VII. 

The Mistaken Views of Outside Speculators. — Mr. Octa- 
vius Marmaduke Bubchook closes his Bear 222 

CHAPTER XLVIIL 
The Profits and Losses of O. M. Bubchook, Esq., and 
how he sold his Lombard Shares 225 



CONTENTS. 13 

CHAPTER XLIX. 
The Moral of Mr. Bubchook's History and Death, with 

Mrs. Bubchook's Curious Remarks 229 

CHAPTER L. 

Dr. Sana Mens' Remarks on Health, Happiness, and " 
Religion 231 

CHAPTER LI. 

The Curious History of a Clerical Guinea Pig 234 

CHAPTER LII. 
Showing How to Catch an Old Man in the Matrimonial 

Net 238 

CHAPTER LIII. 
The Favorite form in which the Evil One tempts Holy 

Men to Speculate 242 

CHAPTER LIV. 
Certain Valuable Suggestions offered by Nathaniel 
Seesaw, Esq., the Representative of the Brokers and 
Jobbers of the Stock Exchange, to the Bishops and 
Clergy of Great Britain 245 

CHAPTER LY. 

The Reverend Josiah Fetchem meets w^ith a certain 
deference from the Rectors and Vicars, which is a 
sort of paradox 247 

CHAPTER LVI. 
How Josiah Fetchem made an Investment in the cele- 
brated Emma Mine, with an account of Dr. Sana 
Mens' Views on the Goodness of Human Nature. . . 249 

CHAPTER LVII. 
A Description of Great Whopplidde-in-the-fen and of the 

Rector, the Rev. Jedediah Tring 257 

CHAPTER LVIII. 
A Description of Miss Louisa Pantosniffle's Curious 
Dress, and of Madame Emma La Fargue, w T ith 
other great Whoppliddians 259 



14 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER LIX. 

How the Great Whoppliddians determined that the Rever- 
end Josiah Fetchem should marry one of the Ladies 
of their Parish, and how bets were arranged about 

the Event * 263 

CHAPTER LX. 

A Description of Church Music at great Whopplidde-in- 
the-fen, the Parish Clerk; and the Rector's favorite 

Theological Works 266 

CHAPTER LXI. 

An account of the Creed held by the Rector of Great 
Whopplidde-in-the-fen, and his Views on the Title 

" Reverend " 270 

CHAPTER LXIL 

The Reverend Josiah Fetchem arrives at the Rectory of 
Great Whopplidde-in-the-fen with Emma on the 
Brain.— The Craving for Mystery a Prime Cause of 
Speculation.— The Success of Quack Medicines.— 
The Danger of the Stock and Share List 271 

CHAPTER LXIII. 

The Man to be Distinguished from the Good he does. — 

Egotism a Foe to Education. —Remarks on Socrates. 276 

CHAPTER LXIV. 
How to Angle for an Amatory Fool, and make a Prig- 
gish Rector your Fast Friend 280 

CHAPTER LXV. 

The Reverend Josiah Fetchem has a very Curious Dream, 281 

CHAPTER LXVI. 
Treating of the Three Odors peculiar to Religious 

Sects 283 

CHAPTER LXVII. 
Treating of Habits, Secondary Automatism, and the 
Assertion of Philosophers that u When the Sum of 
the Conditions of a Case are known the result can 
be predicted with certainty " * 288 



CONTENTS. 15 

CHAPTER LXVIIL 

A Philosophical Discussion between Nathaniel Seesaw, 

Reginald Meekin, and Di\ Sana Mens 291 

CHAPTER LXIX. 

Containing Apologies to the Reader and a Veritable 
History of the Startling Effects of Congenital Auto- 
matism upon a Dogmatic Bridegroom and a Scien- 
tific Bride 301 

CHAPTER LXX. 
Treating of the Startling and Never-before-imagined 
effects of unconscious Cerebration on a Clerical 
Guinea-Pig 309 

CHAPTER LXXI 

The Rev. Josiah Fetchem returns to the City and finds 
his Emma Shares declining. — Madame Emma La 
Fargue prepares for her Wedding 318 

CHAPTER LXXIL 
The Bride Elect meets with a Terrible Accident, and 

a very singular discovery is made 31 9 

CHAPTER LXXIII. 
Death of Madame Emma La Fargue, and decline of the 

Emma Mine 322 

CHAPTER LXXIV. 
A Broker's Classification of " Outside Fools," and a 

Doctor's Opinion of Josiah Fetchem' s Mental State. 324 

■ CHAPTER LXXV. 
The Reverend Josiah Fetchem tries a Change of Pulpit ; 
and meets with a most curious and distressing 
Accident 328 

CHAPTER LXXVI. 
Containing a Broker's Apologies to a Learned Critic .... 334 

CHAPTER LXXVII. 

Erasmus Pinto's Advice to Investors and Speculators . . 340 



16 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER LXXVIII. 

On the Working of Options 356 

CHAPTER LXXIX. 
English Railway as "Media' 5 for Speculation and 

Investment 365 

CHAPTER LXXX. 

Why the Great Trunk Lines are preferable as Specula- 
tive "Media" to the Smaller Ones 369 

CHAPTER LXXXI. 
Cautions to Intending Speculators and Investors in Rail- 
roads 380 

CHAPTER LXXXIL 

A Brief Account of a Stock that has lately been the Joy 
and Grief of the Speculator by Machinery and the 
Ruin of the Speculator without 387 

Outside Criticism 407 

CHAPTER LXXXIII. 
The Scale of Commission 427 

CHAPTER LXXXIY. 
Queries 428 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTER I. 

MY BIRTH AND ORIGIN. " STEMMATA QUID FACIUNT ? " 

As I do not write so much for the "great un- 
washed/' the tunicatus popellus, who have nothing 
to lose, and who therefore can whistle safely in the 
presence of financial robbers, as I do for those who 
belong to the upper ten thousand, for the well-to- 
do professional man, the tradesman with a thriving 
business, the widow, orphan, or minor, and all those 
who through somebody's departure from this vale of 
tears have become possessed of means to invest or 
speculate with, it seems to me quite necessary to say 
a few words about my origin. An old Roman said, 
" Virtue is the sole nobility ; " but you and I, detrr, 
well-to-do " Outside Fools," know what nonsense 
that old Eoman talked. Birth, your reverences, has 
its weight in financial matters, or why does Lord 
Claudius Guinea Pig make such a good thing by 
representing the interests of shareholders in various 
companies about which malicious detractors would 
say he knew — well, about as much as the prospectus 
itself and the guineas he receives at board meetings. 
As, therefore, I have made such a good thing out of 



18 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

you outsiders, I tell you this, even if you have not 
been humbugged by a real live lord, yet you have 
lost your money to one descended from a king. This 
should surely be some consolation. We are a Clay* 
shire family, and can trace our descent in direct line 
from Edward the Fourth. Cecilia, daughter of that 
monarch, married Viscount Wells Pinto. Mr. Thomas 
Pinto, a Clayshire Squire, was a lineal descendant of 
this Viscount Wells Pinto, and my father's mother 
was great grand-daughter of the Clayshire Pinto. 
Now, although my father had the same thin aristo- 
cratic figure and regular features peculiar to the 
Pintos for generations, he was not such a fool as not 
to see that money is a first-rate setting to aristocracj^ 
and consequently when he met with a wealthy stock- 
jobber's widow, who weighed fifteen stone, if she 
weighed an ounce, and had fifteen thousand guineas, 
he forgot his splendid pedigree, and went in for h el- 
and her guineas. The marriage was a tolerably happy 
one, as I have often noticed is the case where the 
contracting parties are apparently almost totally 
opposite in disposition and appearance. The only 
issue was your humble servant Erasmus. So tha t, 
on the paternal side, at least, I escape the stigma of 
being " not born," as the insolent Prussian aristocrat 
would say of the worthy people who did not happen 
to belong to his class. As my mother's money had 
all been made on 'Change, out of the " Outside 
Fools," it was decided that as soon as I was old enough 
I should be apprenticed to Messrs. Seesaw and Turn- 
about, of Change Alley. I had early shown symp- 
toms of financial acumen beyond my years, having 
when only ten procured a penny with a head on both 
sides, one of a man, the other of a woman, to toss 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 19 

with, and being able to beat all ray schoolfellows at 
odd man out. At twelve years of age I understood 
the mysteries of the Three Card Trick as well as any 
professional frequenter of race-courses. At fifteen I 
left school and entered the office in Change Alley, 
as junior clerk. My duties consisted chiefly in carry- 
ing telegrams into the House, writing out contracts 
for clients, and running on any useful errand. But 
although thus engaged, I kept my eyes and ears well 
open and acquired more knowledge of human nature 
in those three years than I should have done in 
twenty at Messrs. Birchem and Prigge's establish- 
ment for young gentlemen. During these years of 
my apprenticeship I saw much that made me think 
the relations between broker and client both curious 
and instructive. 

Whenever a stock intrinsically good was unduly 
depressed from temporary or exceptional causes, and 
any of our clients expressed a wish to buy, both See- 
saw and Turnabout would shake their heals gravely, 
look wise, and say. " You know we can't advise," or, 
" Xo doubt there is merit in the stock, but good people 
are selling, and we hear that the dividend will be dis- 
appointing," and similar phrases, that might mean 
anything or nothing, but which had quite enough 
influence to stop a client from operating in what he 
really knew nothing of, as is the case with nine out 
of ten speculators. If, however, a fair rise had taken 
place in the same stock, they were always willing to 
buy, and never said anything to dissuade their clients 
from acting. When a client wished to sell a bear of 
a rotten security, one of the partners would say, " I 
never knew a bear make money outside," or, :; The 
stock ought to fall certainly, but the Baron is in, and 



20 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

it is of no use fighting against him." If, however, 
the same stock had fallen heavily, and a client 
thought of selling, one of them would say, "I am a 
wretched speculator myself, but I shouldn't wonder 
if you are right ; the market don't look very gay 
just now." Any one of which remarks is sufficient 
to make a client act, so eagerly do they swallow 
anything that falls from a broker's lips. Whenever 
the markets went very much against those of our 
clients who did not attend personally, we used to 
send them telegrams freely without charge, while, 
unless express orders were given, no telegrams were 
sent when the markets were going decidedly in their 
favor. The result of this was that many chances of 
profit were missed, and many heavy losses were 
incurred by clients either buying back their bears at 
the highest, or selling their bulls at the lowest, I 
noticed also that most clients made a profit in their 
first account with our firm, especially if they were 
green hands, or had left other brokers and still 
retained good balances at their bankers. The infer- 
ence, dear " Outside Fools," I will leave you to draw. 
The next chapter will contain an account of an impor- 
tant event in ray life. 



CHAPTEE II. 



I AM OFFERED THE POST OF CONFIDENTIAL CLERK 
TO THE FIRM OF SEESAW AND TURNABOUT. 

One afternoon, after an unusually busy settling day, 
Mr. Seesaw called me down into his sanctum, and 
having carefully shut the door, he thus began : — 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 21 

" Both Turnabout and myself have long seen, Pinto, 
that you are a youth of more than ordinary discre- 
tion and perception, and, unless we mistake your 
character, you look upon wealth as the great desider- 
atum." 

* I bowed, for Seesaw certainly expressed my senti- 
ments exactly. The only part of Horace that I 
could remember at school was this, "Get money by 
right means if you can, if not, by any means you 
can." 

11 As our present clerk, Jabez Suavity, has been 
compelled to resign through ill health at this busy 
season of the year, although you are young, we are 
ready to appoint you to the vacant berth, provided 
you can pass the preliminary examination to which, 
both myself and Turnabout have always subjected 
our confidential clerks ; and as I have no doubt that 
your father would not object to paying the one surety 
that may be paid, we would find the other at the 
proper time, and so you could be made a member. 
You may go now," said he, " and mind you are here 
to-morrow morning before ten o'clock, to be thorough- 
ly catechized about the duties and difficulties of a 
broker." 

I bowed and withdrew. 



CHAPTEE III. 



I PASS MY EXAMINATION TO THE SATISFACTION OF 
THE FIRM. 

The next morning I entered the partners' sanctum 
precisely at a quarter to ten o'clock, and found them 
both there expecting me. After the usual saluta- 



22 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

tions, Seesaw proceeded to put the questions to me, 
while Turnabout sat, pen in hand, ready to copy down 
my answers. Both questions and answers might be 
perused with advantage by a commission appointed 
to inquire into the duties and privileges of brokers 
and jobbers. I will give them in the order in which 
they came. 

Are the interests of brokers and clients identical ? 
Only in theory. Why so ? Because, if clients gener- 
ally made money the House must lose it, and conse- 
quently both brokers and jobbers would be ruined. 
How, then, is this prevented ? By concerted action 
on the part of both jobbers and brokers, just as in the 
cattle and coal market the middlemen and dealers 
combine to prevent the consumer from buying direct- 
ly of the producer. For instance, the broker fre- 
quently lets the jobber know what his client wants 
to do, and the price is regulated accordingly. Can 
you illustrate by example? Yes, sir, if I may quote 
a case from your own experience. If you know of 
one you may. 

"Arthur Buncombe, Esq., barrister-at-law, who, 
although a financial fool, was far above the average 
in general ability, and who was certainly clever 
enough to often defeat the ends of justice by his 
florid style of rhetoric and moving appeals to the 
weak side of a British jury, especially in Breach of 
Promise Cases, that last refuge of impecunious woman 
with neither feelings to be injured nor modesty to be 
shocked, conceived the idea that Caledonian Eailway 
Stock was going to have a great rise. Now, as you 
know, sir, this was a very good idea, for although 
Caledonians had only declared a dividend of two per 
cent, and stood at ninety, it was well known in the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 23 

House that the cost of working had been increased 
enormously at the expense of dividend, and it was 
suspected that this was done even more than was 
necessary, so that instead of having a sickly market 
with no strength in it, when improved prospects set 
in, the weak bulls might all be cleared out, and a 
fair proportion of bears be innocently waiting to be 
pickled, never dreaming of the next dividend being 
more than three and a half or four per cent. Now, 
sir, of course you and I know how groundless any 
such suspicions are ; but I cannot help thinking that 
directors must be more than mortal if they do not 
feel a secret joy in perusing the puerile calculations 
of the ' Outside Fools/ based on traffic returns that 
are often not correct by twenty per cent., and made 
irrespective of the most important and fluctuating 
factor in the reckoning, viz., working expenses. And 
do you not think, sir, that it is a great temptation to 
a chairman, who may be a believer in the stock of 
his line, to make things pleasant by deferring cer- 
tain bills till next half-year, and charging sundry 
items to capital account which should go against re- 
venue ? or, if the evil one have tempted him to sell 
his shareholders' property short, as the Americans 
say, to be most strict in keeping up the rolling stock 
in a wonderful state of efficiency, to reduce all out- 
standing accounts, and charge everything remorseless- 
ly against revenue ?" 

" Pinto, I think it a temptation that no mortal man 
ought to be subjected to ; but why tantalise me ? I 
am not a chairman, not even a director, more's the 
pity ; but go on with your case." 

" Well, sir, Arthur Buncombe, Esq., barrister-at- 
law and special champion of ladies in search of Breach 



24 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

of Promise dowry, sold all that Great Portmanteau 
stock which had just issued to delighted and besotted 
shareholders only seven millions and a half more of 
its ordinary rubbish at twenty- two and a half, which 
has been administered by some of the most eminent 
railway financiers in England from the first down to 
the present time, and not content with parting with 
this valuable property, the obstinate man persisted in 
buj'ing Caledonians, to our great disgust and to the 
greater disgust of that ' Happy Family ' who earned 
their honest living by selling Great Portmanteaus to 
an ungrateful public. You know, dear Mr. Seesaw, 
we were always bears of this valuable property, and 
found it so convenient to have a client of the bullish 
kind who could be frightened out just when we wished 
to close. Oh ! was it not a shame ? In spite of all 
your clever little conversational traps, this Buncombe 
bought ten thousand Caledonian Stock, and as we 
knew from Glasgow sources that the dividend was 
much more likely to be five or five and a half than 
three and a half, which calculators made it, we were 
afraid lest he should rob the House of fifteen hundred 
pounds or more. This case, sir, required real genius 
to manage it. Yes, sir, and, with all due deference, 
I feel proud to think that it was a clerk and not a 
principal who managed it. Poor Jabez Suavity, into 
whose shoes I hope to step, cut this broker's Gordian 
knot. One morning as he and Buncombe were going 
across to CapeL Court from Change Alley, Suavity 
remarked quite in a casual way, — 

" f I have an order here to sell fifty thousand 
Caledonians at best. The Glasgow Syndicate are 
trying to depress the stock and make the bulls pay 
a heavy contango, or clear out, in order to buy back 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 25 

their stock at a lower price just after the account. I 
think well of Caledonians myself, but if you like to 
sell your ten thousand and buy back when they have 
dropped, I can add yours to the order and bang the 
market at the opening.' 

" The clever Buncombe listened, was persuaded, 
sold his stock unto yourself, dear sir. yourself, the 
adroit framer of the Glasgow telegram. Alas ! poor 
Buncombe ! Caleys never dropped at all, but ere an 
hour was gone they rose full three per cent. The 
barrister lost heart, coquetted with his early love 
once more, and lost his all in worn-out Trunks. Jabez 
Suavity, who had a comic vein and funny hatchet 
face, told me this tale over a pipe and glass in the 
evening, and I laughed so much that an attack of 
liver was completely cured. Though Buncombe was 
ruined mainly by this trick, he, like thousands more, 
never dreamt that Suavity was not misled himself, or 
that the interests of broker and client were not 
identical." 

" Suppose 'you were called upon to rebut the asser- 
tion that brokers do not care whether their clients 
make money or not, what would you say? " 

" I should reply, ' The jobber lives by his turn, 
(and well he may, for it is two per cent, sometimes), 
and the broker by his commission,' and I should 
argue that when money is lost or won, it is only one 
portion of the public who lose it to, or win it of, 
another. This answer would satisfy all who had not 
learnt its fallacy by experience." 

" Show the fallacy-" 

" A large portion of the public are producers, and 
in the aggregate they always possess more or less 
money to invest or speculate with. Periods of trade 

B 



26 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

depression may occur and panics interfere with the 
amount of this production ; but still, more or less, it 
is always going on. ]STow, when the general public 
make heavy losses through speculation or investment, 
it is very seldom that another section of that public is 
the gainer ; but it is the financial acrobat, the loan- 
monger, the promoter, tout, or jobber, who, knowing 
beforehand when the mania for a certain class of 
investment or speculation is sated, unloads at the 
highest price while the public is stuck with the stock 
and has to bear a heavy fall, from which too often 
there is no recovery. Of course there are among the 
public a few speculators who are possessed of ample 
means and large experience; but in the City the 
speculative roach is almost always swallowed by 
some baronial pike, who, having made a meal of one 
good shoal, waits in his lair till the next swims by. 
Directors, bankers, brokers, jobbers, and accountants 
make money, not because they are cleverer than the 
outsiders, but because they have better means of 
getting good information and use it to the fullest 
extent." 

" But if we do not care whether our clients make 
money or not, and if they keep on losing con- 
tinually, how is it that we still find clients to deal 
with us ? " 

" Because in this country, with its fogs and damp, 
people suffer so much from liver, spleen, and hypo- 
chondria, that the exciting game of speculation acts 
as a medicine upon the sluggish secretions. Even 
the immortal professor of the healing art did not find 
his own pills strong enough, but must needs take a 
Turkish bath that cost a hundred and fifty thousand 
pounds. Beware, ye takers of these famous pills, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 27 

this loss will have to be made up out of your slow 
secretions ! Because, again, the old simplicity of 
living is now obsolete, and no one tries to live on 
four per cent., but all co-operate, or speculate, or else 
invest in foreign I. O. U's., that pay them ten per 
cent, for a few months or years, and then pay not a 
cent. Then, clients leave one broker and try another, 
just as our clients leave us and try another ; and a 
fresh crop of " Outside Fools " is ever springing up, 
who know nothing of the interesting game, but enter 
the arena with all the ardor of novices. " 

" Explain how a clever and spirited broker who 
would feel ashamed to live on a paltry eighth or 
quarter per cent, commission may increase his earn- 
ings in that way." 

" He ought to make a careful selection from the 
jobbing saints, not sinners — they have not that decor- 
ous hypocrisy the others have — and either enter 
into amicable relations with them, or form a Stock 
Exchange Partnership. A broker of this sort should 
never bring out a closer than a half per cent, price 
in anything, should praise the stocks dealt in but 
little and with a two per cent, margin. It would be 
well for him to have a brother or at least a cousin as 
a jobber in the house. If also he knew two or three 
gentlemanly-looking old foxes who have been through 
the fire of experience themselves, who still have 
means to dress well, and can put on that jovial, frank, 
honest, sympathetic look that human nature loves so 
well, let him pay these worthies to become habitues of 
his office and act as decoy ducks to the speculative 
neophyte. They should promulgate their views to 
one another freely, and the broker would do well to 
take large dummy orders from these gentlemen, for 



28 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

man is not only a gambling, but an imitative animal : 
The speculative Verdant Green will drink in the 
oracular views he hears from them with eagerness, 
and of course they will talk against the stocks he 
ought to buy, and in favor of those he ought to sell : 
but will occasionally argue and differ from one 
another only to yield at last to the view required. 
They must be, or pretend to be, good judges of wine, 
cigars, horses, and women. Not many ' Outside 
Fools ' would see that they had fallen among thieves 
in this amiable family party, and the broker's gains 
would grow apace." 

" But how would you act if a client insisted upon 
having a close price made before he dealt? " 

" I should first try to read him, as the jobbers try 
to read those brokers with whom they are not in 
collusion. Suppose I read him a buyer, I should 
say, ' Things look goodish ; ' < they tell me rails are 
going better ; ' i I don't know what to think of Foreign 
Stocks, do you?' By these little conversational 
experiments any broker who has the least claim to 
be considered a judge of human nature will be able 
to make out what nine out of ten of his clients want 
to do, and then he can bring out a quarter price, or 
if his man be an old hand, an eighth. Thus, suppose 
a client wanted to buy Westerns, and would not take 
a half per cent, price, I should make him 115f-116, 
the real market being 115^-115f, so that he would 
give 116; whereas if he was a seller, I should make 
him 115J-115J, and he would only get the lower 
price. If T happened to read him wrong, I should 
make a dummy entry in my book, show it to him 
when I came out, and say, l There, that's what I've 
done ; you can have it or leave it. Just as I went in, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 29 

Dolorous George bid for or offered twenty thousand 
Westerns, and the market changed.' " 

" Do contango and backwardation afford any scope 
for clever management ? " 

" Oh yes ! they both alter so quickly and so many 
times a day, according to the amount of stock in the 
market, or according to the dealer's books, that 
nothing is easier to overcharge a bull and get a bear 
from an eighth to three sixteenths less than he ought 
to have." 

" Give your views on limits." 

" These are the most fruitful and amusing sources 
of gain to a broker. Every limit cleverly worked is 
equivalent to a put and call option, and the client, 
who is a mere peg on which the broker may hang 
his dealings round about the limit, can be shot at till 
the broker is tired of shooting. This can be done to 
the great benefit of the broker's pocket and liver, in 
all cases where the market does not run away from 
the limit, and as each broker has many clients, there 
will always be one or two daily targets for him to 
practise archery at. You see, sir, I have learnt all 
this from Jabez Suavity, # who had only one fault, and 
that was, to chatter freely after a glass or two of 
grog." 

" Yes, young man," said Seesaw, somewhat severely, 
" Suavity has chattered to you much more freely than 
I should expect you to do to any one, if you become 
our confidential clerk, and hope to become a member 
of the House. Suppose these little stories got abroad, 
how many ' Outside Fools ' would grow alarmed, and 
know more than is good for us! Take the hint, 
Erasmus Pinto." 

I bowed, and said I would. 



30 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

" I think, sir," continued I, " that I could illustrate 
the working of limits best from another case in your 
own experience, which Jabez Suavity detailed to me. 
Have I your permission ? " 

"You have." 

I thus began, — 

" The Eev. Titus Marrywell, M.A., incumbent of 
St. JSTarrowcreed's, Brighton, finding that his wife's 
money, although a very nice little fortune, only 
brought in four per cent, per annum, being invested 
in a mortgage on land, took the advice of a brother 
parson, who also had a wife with a nice little fortune, 
called in the mortgage, and bought Turkish Bs. and 
Cs. As Sadyk Pasha was then making his tour 
through the countries of the Christian dogs to rehabi- 
litate the Sultan's waning credit by the Imperial 
Operating Bank Scheme, these Bs. and Cs. were very 
lively, and rose two per cent, within a week after the 
parson bought. When they had relapsed a half per 
cent, we wired him thus, < Bs. and Cs. have risen two. 
Some heavy selling now, and market weak. Eeply.' 
The Eev. Titus did reply, ' Sell all my Bs. and Cs. at 
best.' We sold them to ourselves, as now the market 
seemed inclined to turn. Next morning, on reading 
the Misleading Journal, he found that Bs. and Cs. had 
risen four per cent., of which he had secured just one 
and a quarter per cent, as profit. With our contract 
we had enclosed a note, stating that some very good 
buying had unexpectedly taken place from Paris 
after we had sold, and that the market seemed likely 
to improve further. We therefore advised him to 
wire us first thing in the morning if he had anything 
to do, and to leave limits with us, so as not to miss 
the fluctuations that might occur. Now, as you are 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 31 

aware, sir, although more parsons than almost any 
other class were dabbling in Bs. and Cs. and other 
Moslem rubbish, which I should have thought a good 
Christian would have been afraid to touch, yet the 
bishops, with that masterly inaction for which they 
are so justly celebrated, — and although none know 
better than they that more truth hovers round about 
a sovereign than round anything else, even though 
Satan may be inside the coin, — never sent even one 
pastoral to the clergy of their diocese to warn them 
of the perils of fishing for sovereigns in such dirty 
waters, and the danger of bringing their cloth into 
disrepute with unconverted ' Outside Fools.' As, 
then, the Kev. Incumbent of St. Narrowcreed's had 
made a fair profit out of his first transaction with the 
sons of Belial, and dreamt over-niirht that he was a 
holy vessel chosen to spoil the Mahometans, he was 
down at the telegraph office full five minutes before 
it was open. In turning the corner he nearly ran 
into the embrace of the Eev. Lovejoy Cherubum, 
rector of St. Petticote's, an apostle of the Broad 
Church, a muscular Christian, with a portly mien, 
ruddy visage, and cheery voice, one who thought evil 
of no man, not even of the Turk. These two worthies 
of such opposite sects were both, oddly enough, bent 
upon the same errand. The gadfly of speculation 
had stung their reverend souls, and each blessed 
Mahometan extravagance and the insane policy of 
the British government which built up the rotten 
edifice of crumbling Turkish credit and gave to foolish 
usurers full ten and sometimes twelve per cent, for 
years, until they thought the game would last for 
ever. 'How d'ye do, Marrywell?' said he of St. 
Petticote's. <I am going to wire my broker fellow 



32 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

to buy a couple of thousand Bs. and Cs. 1 ' Going to 
buy Turks yourself, eh ? ' replied he of St. Narrow- 
creed's, with acid look and sanctimonious whine, 
coining a holy falsehood on his ready tongue. 
f Brother Cherubum, all Turks and godless infidels 
I hold in righteous abhorrence, as my creed enjoins. 
You may lend money on usurious terms to these lost 
heathen ; but we, chosen vessels as we are, may not 
traffic thus. An aged aunt of mine, a God-fearing 
and holy woman, bids me attend her sick bedside. I 
telegraph to say I shall be there as soon as trains 
allow/ Thus having lied, the Eev. Titus gave his 
message to the clerk, and bowing stiffly to his brother 
parson, sneaked away. Then Cherubum called to 
the clerk, who came back with the other's message 
in his hand, and as the writing happened to be turned 
right way, the rector, not displeased, nor yet aston- 
ished much, read this to the sick aunt, ' If Bs. and 
Cs. should open good, buy five thousand at the best, 
first thing. If they improve two per cent., then sell. 
Suppose, after selling, the market relapses much, buy 
again at discretion, and if before the close they rise 
again, sell all.' < Aha ! the fox ! I thought as much/ 
said Cherubum to himself, as he wrote out his wire, 
to buy Bs. and Cs. himself." 

" These men, whose creed allows so very few a 
chance of being saved, are very often hypocrites." 

"But, my dear Mr. Seesaw," said I, "do observe 
the blooming innocence of this Bev. ' Outside Pool.' 
For a commission of one pound five per thousand 
stock the Firm of Seesaw and Turnabout were to 
make for this greedy and ignorant pillar of the 
church two or three hundred pounds in one day, and 
to give him the benefit of their own discretion and 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS, 33 

experience for nothing. Will not these outside dolts 
ever learn that a broker only wants them for their 
commission, or as pegs to hang his own dealings on, 
and that if money could be made as easily as they 
mostly think, the broker would make it for himself 
without the trouble of being pestered with prigs and 
idiots, who think they know what he has failed to 
learn thoroughly all his life ? But how did you work ? 
This is how. There are dealings at half-past ten in 
the Foreign Market very often; and this debatable 
half-hour from half-past ten until eleven can be 
made a sort of put and call option by a clever broker, 
because, if he has orders to buy, he can execute them 
then, put them down to himself if the market goes right 
way, or put them down to his client, if it goes wrong. 
At half-past ten Bs. and Cs. opened at 81J, the price at 
which they closed the night before. As you had an 
order to buy five thousand, first thing — which < first 
thing,' means as soon as there is dealing in the market, 
or at the official opening, when the rattle goes, as the 
result may require — you bought five thousand at 81J. 
Before eleven o'clock, which may also be called l first- 
thing,' your purchase showed a profit of one per 
cent., i.e., fifty pounds on the five thousand. You then 
sold the five thousand to the Eev. Titus at, not eighty- 
two and a half, which was the exact market price — 
for in these Bs. and Cs. there is a one per cent, price 
always sent out, and sometimes two, a splendid trap 
for c Outside Fools,' although it is quite possible to 
deal closer, if the broker wants — but you sold to him 
at eighty- three, so that in addition to the fifty pounds 
profit and your commission, which was six pounds 
five, you had sold at a half per cent, above the market 
price, which margin of a half per cent, you of course 



34 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

shared with the jobber, who was a partner and a friend. 
Yes, sir, this half-hour, as you well know, is a mine of 
wealth to a broker who has plenty of morning orders 
and a conscience possessing that true aristocratic 
pliability unattainable by the herd. Of course you 
wired the parson the moment the market looked like 
going flat, telling him that, having an order to sell 
from a client, you had given him the turn and bought 
the five thousand cheap. Of course, too, when the 
usual rumour dodge was started, and the ' Outside 
Fools' who haunt the Telegraphic Exchanges and 
Speculating Club Rooms, for the purpose of swallow- 
ing, as something true and sent express for them 
alone, the downright lies or garbled facts that the 
financial pike gets posted up to catch his daily meal 
of roach with, you wired thus, ' The market is very 
flat, and it is said that Sadyk Pasha's mission has 
failed.' And of course the Rev. Titus wired back to 
sell at best and buy back on a drop. Of course the 
rumors were false, and instead of a drop there was a 
rally. You of course wired the news. Titus, being a 
novice, thought the market must go better, and wired 
back to buy at best, which you did again a half above 
the market price. But I need not say more about 
this speculating pillar of the church. He went on 
with his limits and you with your working of them 
until you and the Bs. and Cs. had cleared him out." 

" Very good," said Mr. Seesaw ; " but some clients 
insist upon having a limit left in the House. How 
would you act with them ? " 

" I should say, first, that I never left a limit in 
the House, because my client would, of course, never 
get any better price than the limit, whereas, if he 
left it with me, he might do so. Of course, sir, you 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 35 

know that our clients, somehow or other, never are 
lucky enough to get a better price than the limit 
left ; but still, in theory, this would be a fair objection 
to make against leaving limits with the jobber. Sup- 
pose a limit were left in the House to buy Brighton 
A. at 110, and a bad accident were reported suddenly, 
the jobber would of course sell directly at 110 although, 
almost at the moment he sold the stock might be 
quoted 108, or even lower. Now, in theory, the 
broker would protect his client and buy at a lower 
price ; but in practice the client would never, or next 
to never, get any such protection. If, however, a 
client should still insist on having the limit left in the 
House, nothing would be easier than to leave it with a 
jobber with whom you had established i Amicable 
relations,' and he would share with you the further 
margin of profit, when there was any, and would, in 
all cases where the limit was only just reached, act for 
himself as against a put or call protection, and you 
would together share the profit, and report to your 
client that another quarter, eighth, or sixteenth, as the 
case might be, was needed to get the business done. 
Thus, suppose a limit be left in the House with a 
friendly jobber to sell 10,000 Great Easterns at 51, 
-the moment they touch 51 the 10,000 would be sold. 
But if the market should afterwards relapse, as in 
many cases it would, you and the friendly jobber 
would buy back the 10,000 at whatever profit you 
could get, and report that the price was never quite 
51 buyers. Of course, an experienced client might 
insist upon having it put down at 51, if the official 
quotations marked a half per cent, above that price ; 
but you know, sir, that a client has little chance 
against the committee, and the jobber would of course 



36 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

declare that he did not know they were buyers, and, 
moreover, if one or two did complain, how many 
more would not?" 

" Yery true, Mr. Pinto," said Seesaw, peering 
curiously at me from under his shaggy eyebrows ; 
" but how would you play the game of Hide and Seek 
with a client, when, as the Americans say, a soda 
water rise * was taking place in his stock, or when 
there was a panic fall, and he wanted to cut his loss 
quickly ? " 

Here Turnabout said to Seesaw, — 

" Give the boy a glass of old brown sherry, and take 
one yourself, " and this made a break in my examina- 
tion. I will commence a new chapter with my 
answer, which I was enabled to make from another 
anecdote told me by Jabez Suavity. 



CHAPTEE IV. 

THE GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK BETWEEN DR. BLEED- 
ALL GRABFEE AND MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW. 

" With your permission, sir," resumed I, " I will 
illustrate again by a case from your own experience, 
which Suavity told me, and I will relate it in his 
words as nearly as I can. He had dined with the 
doctor and knew his history. Septimus Bleedall 
Grabfee, M.D., lived in a comfortable house at Kensing- 
ton. He had married a wife in India who had seven 
thousand pounds, besides personal attractions. Being 



* A soda water rise means one that is very soon lost ; a 
more sustained rise our Transatlantic cousins term a whisky 
rise. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 37 

without encumbrance, as the married servants' adver- 
tisements with unconscious satire aptly put it, and 
being blessed or cursed with a clever, restless brain, he 
conceived the idea, in which he was encouraged by 
his wife, of making a large fortune on 'Change. ( One 
would have thought,' said Jabez Suavity, l that a man 
who possessed a wife whose personal attractions 
were set off by seven thousand pounds' worth of the 
root of all evil, and a decent practice, might have 
been content to live on his income and her pro- 
perty. But no, for dear is 'Change unto a busy 
brain ; and so he joined the swelling ranks of 
" Outside Fools." And fortunate for us it was that 
he was hit so hard at first, for he would otherwise 
have beaten us at our own game. He was so well 
up in the merits of tho various stocks, had such 
excellent perception, could diagnose a market so 
cleverly, that I do believe we should have failed to 
clean him out, had he not believed us honest and 
read newspapers too much. That jolly, young old, 
rollicking buffer, Eeginald Meekin, whom he hap- 
pened to meet at the "Grand" at Brighton, intro- 
duced him first to us.' One morning he came up to 
town post-haste, having heard from a trustworthy 
source in America that the Leery Directors were 
going to be turned out, and more money extracted 
from the Britisher — ostensibly for steel rails — really, 
for a fresh lining to the pockets of the Leery Eing. 
Now this information was good, but the docter had 
delayed operation until several besides those behind 
the scenes had learnt the move. However, on this 
morning the doctor gave Mr. Turnabout an order to 
buy five thousand Leerie3 at the best, as soon as he 
could get them, and instructed him, in case he could 



38 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

not go down to the House at the opening, to send the 
order to you, sir, by Suavity, as you had already 
gone to watch the opening of the Foreign Market. 
1 Now, youngster,' said Suavity to me, ' keep your 
eyes skinned and your ears open, for what I am going 
to say is worth money. Whenever a client gives an 
order, look out for an alternative in it, for a single 
"if" in clever hands, can be made a put or call 
option. The doctor, you will remember, gave the 
order to Turnabout, and instead of holding his tongue, 
he must say, u If you cannot go down to the House, 
send the order to Mr. Seesaw." This alternative, 
and the fact that Leeries are dealt in before eleven, 
gave us a very handsome sum . Turnabout went down 
to the House, unknown to Grabfee, who had gone to 
the bank to cash a cheque, found Patsy Nickel bidding 
away for Leeries, which opened a dollar better, with 
a very strong market. He, of course, seeing the 
market good, bought five thousand at once, and told 
Mr. Seesaw that he was not to come out when called, 
but stand in the Leery market and sell the shares, 
unless they dropped, when he was to come at once to 
the office and report the purchase for Grabfee. After 
this comfortable arrangement, and having, further, 
left a copy of the order to buy with the Cerberus in 
Capel Court, to be delivered as soon as Mr. Seesaw 
came out, Turnabout went placidly to the nearest 
wine cabin and indulged in sundry glasses of his 
favorite old brown sherry. Having returned from 
the bank to the office, and waited for a quarter of an 
hour, the doctor got uneasy and went down to Capel 
Court, where he heard that Leeries were rising a 
dollar every five minutes. This made him wild, and 
so he set the Cerberus, who keeps the gates of Tartarus, 



YE outside fools: 39 

a-bawling, " Seesaw ! Turnabout ! " till he was hoarse, 
— but half-a-erown soon cured his sore throat.' As 
long as the Leery market kept on the rise, you played 
at Hide and Seek amid the excited dealing throng, 
and listened not to Cerberus. Grabfee got wild, and 
sent off Suavity, who just came down the court to 
look for Turnabout. ' Meantime the Leery market 
paused, looked "toppy," as the saying is, and Hide 
and Seek no longer paid, so out came Seesaw, saw 
the doctor with well-feigned surprise, received the 
slip from Cerberus, and said, " The shares have risen 
doctor, just four dollars and a half, and still look 
.very good ; but what a pity I did not get this before." 
" Go in and buy at best ! " said Grabfee, nearly blind 
with rage. He went and sold the shares that Turn- 
about had bought first thing to the doctor, at a profit 
of four dollars a share, thereby making a profit of 
nearly four thousand pounds which Grabfee should 
have had. The shares of course would have been 
sold to him before, if they had dropped instead of 
rising*, as they did. An hour afterwards Leeries 
dropped a dollar and a half, which movement you 
promptly reported to the unhappy disciple of Galen, 
who, disgusted at having lost a chance of making four 
thousand pounds, and seeing already a difference 
against him of fifteen hundred pounds, sold all his 
shares and went off in a huff. Now Pinto/ said 
Suavity, ■ you see how useful Hide and Seek is to a 
broker, and you ought to see how beautiful a thing is 
partnership; for each partner can blame the other, as 
is often the case with man and wife ; but the client 
can blame neither without the other comins: to the 



40 *YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

As it was now close upon eleven o'clock, Seesaw 
said to Turnabout, — 

"Pinto has answered our questions with sufficient 
ability to warrant our appointing him to the vacant 
office of confidential clerk, so if you will go down 
to the House and execute the morning orders, I will 
have a little further conversation with him, and learn 
how he became so well posted in our private affairs, 
and I will give him some good general advice." 

" I knew sir," said I, " that you would be surprised 
at my being able to relate these anecdotes ; but as 
there now is no chance of Jabez Suavity's resuming 
office, it can do him no harm, and may do me good. ( 
He was a model of reticence, except when he had 
taken a glass too much, which on occasion he would 
do; and then he was one of the most amusing and 
talkative fellows out. He told us these little stories 
one evening, when Sam Chenery, Harry Lee, and I, 
were at his rooms in the Queen's Road, Haggerston, 
having a game of whist ; and so graphically did he 
describe, or rather act, your calm surprise when you 
first saw the doctor, the innocent look with which you 
took the order from Cerberus, and the excitement and 
fury of Grabfee, that we were all convulsed with 
laughter, and poor Sam Chenery broke a bloodvessel 
and lost his chance of winning the One Mile 
Handicap at Lily Bridge, for which he was first 
favorite. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 41 



CHAPTEE V. 

MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW'S ADVICE TO HIS NEW CON- 
FIDENTIAL CLERK. 

" Well, Mr. Pinto/' said Seesaw, "you have cer- 
tainly given very creditable answers to my questions ; 
bat this is partly owing, I perceive, to the instruction 
you have received from Suavity, who I never should 
have thought to be so indiscreet. You must clearly 
understand, young man, that if we appoint you, 
and you wish to advance your interest, you must 
consider, as Talleyrand used to do, that words are 
given to a clever man not to express, but to conceal 
his thoughts, and that any chattering in your cups 
would surely ruin you with us. The mainstay of 
our system is secrecy, and a few little anecdotes, 
such as you have recounted, would teach an < Outside 
Fool ' in five minutes more than he has any business 
to learn in five years. I have taken a fancy to you, 
and if you play your cards well, you may soon be a 
member of the Stock Exchange, if not a member of 
our firm." 

I bowed, and assured the worthy man that I never 
drank anything but claret and an occasional glass of 
light sherry, and was blessed by nature with a most 
secretive disposition. 

" Well, then, I will now give you a few useful 
hints about the way of dealing with clients, and tell 
you what views I hold about the stocks which one 
would only like a client to deal in. With regard to 
manner, it is difficult to lay down any rule, for you 
will have ' Outside Fools ' to deal with of all disposi- 



42 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

tions and classes, from the baronet or now and then an 
impecunious peer, who sits, as Guinea Pig, upon some 
company's board, down to the coachman or the lady's 
maid, who see their Eldorado in some worthless 
foreign mine. The ideal broker instinctively sees all 
his clients' characters and weaknesses, and with a 
graceful versatility can be, or grave, or gay, to suit 
the man he operates upon. But this is genius, and 
without flattering myself, "Pinto, I think I must 
possess a portion of this genius, for I was offered 
three hundred a year by a successful novelist if I 
would let him come into my office and take a few daily 
notes while I was operating with my artistic skill on 
various 'Outside Fools.' Of course T laughed it off: 
three hundred pounds a year, forsooth ! it would be 
worth a thousand, if not more. However, it is not 
every man who is able to be a Seesaw, and you must 
try to imitate me as much as you can. In a general 
way, it is good to be genial, rather jocular, but never 
coarse, as too many of our common brokers are — to 
wear an air of candor and of courtesy, and most 
to novices. When asked to give a definite opinion 
about a stock, if possible I put the question off, or 
'answer thus, ' My dear sir, I hear so many opinions, 
and am so busy, that I have not time to sift them. 
Your own judgment will often prove better than 
mine. If you will believe me, we know no more 
inside than you do outside.' This flatters i Outside 
Fools.' Suppose a client gives a view about a stock in 
your office, profess to be struck with its originality ; 
act the role of learner rather than instructor, and if 
one of your paid habitues can lecture well, encourage 
him to talk. As some shrewd ancient poet some- 
where says, ' More fish will swim into the ponds, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 43 

and they will be well stocked ere long/ Nothing is 
more fatal to success than a cold cynical demeanor, 
or a clownish bluntness that calls a spade a spade. 
It is wise to have a fund of West End anecdotes, to 
know the latest scandal in high life, to keep a box 
of really good cigars, for shillings spent in this 
way oft bring pounds. Take each client aside, and 
whisper confidentially, while others are looking on, for 
most like this, it makes them seem important; and 
do not make the grave mistake of neglecting smaller 
clients entirely for ones who deal in fifty thousand 
at a time. Many brokers spoil a business by this 
fault. It is not a bad thing to have a fashionable 
tailor come round to your office, — to have samples of 
wine about, and to ask your client's opinion about 
them. When you have brought out the morning 
prices, your remarks must be discreet and to the point. 
If orders are slowly given, you might observe, if 
the office be clear of investing fogies, c There really is 
not much doing, but the tone is good. I bought a 
couple of thousand Egypts for Turnabout, who seems 
to believe in the stock ; but don't you follow him. 
We are both nearly always wrong.' The fish will 
rise to this bait, disregard the caution, give you one 
or more orders to buy Egypts, when of course you will 
sell to them yourself on a weak market. If you have 
sufficient ' Amicable relations ' established, put a 
jobber's name upon your contract ; the novice has 
never heard of Stock Exchange Partnerships, and will 
think collusion is impossible. It is wise to grow a 
heavy moustache. The mouth is such an awkwardly 
expressive feature. I have known a beau tif ally child- 
like expression of ' honesty and benevolence on a 
really clever broker's face quite marred by one small 



44 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS, 

sinister curve hovering about the mouth. Oh, yes ! 
grow a moustache. Hair was given to conceal, not 
to express." 



CHAPTER VI. 

MR. SEESAW INSTRUCTS ' ERASMUS PINTO HOW TO 
DEAL WITH LADY-CLIENTS. 

After a brief pause, Seesaw thus began again, — 
" Suppose you are consulted by any widows, 
orphans, or single ladies, with money to invest, 
don't put them into Consols, Colonial Government 
Securities, or Indian Railways, unless compelled ; 
but choose them a good lively stock that pays from 
seven to ten per cent., such as Turkish, or Egyptian, 
or Imperial Ottoman Bank. Peruvian, also, is an 
excellent bait. Many ' Outside Fools ' have had 
slight misgivings about Turkish Stocks, have not 
been quite sure of Egyptians, but I have scarcely 
met with one who could see through the guano 
swindle, who was not dazzled by the much-vaunted 
value of that country's curious asset, ever increasing 
while we sleep, a sublime gift of nature which, as yet, 
has made the lucky half-breeds who possess it inde- 
pendent both of industry and honesty. Even our 
naval commanders seem to see through spectacles here. 
Yes, you will do well to put any of your fair clients 
into such sound securities as these. No fear of their 
fathers, brothers, or guardians coming down upon you, 
for they are all engaged themselves in the same 
interesting but not exactly safe game of usury. 
Those who have had their dividends for some years, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 45 

and who know a friend who has heard of some 
other friend having had a Bond drawn off at par 
encourage the new speculators to hope for similar 
success. Of the three I should choose Egypts as 
the soundest — indeed, so sound are they, that the 
Khedive cannot keep himself from buying up large 
quantities of his own stock and paying for it with 
money borrowed at a higher rate of interest than 
the Bonds themselves pay. Well, we will suppose 
that the tip has gone round to the brokers that a rig 
is coming on in Egypt seventy-threes, and that in- 
vestors are much needed to assist the rigging syn- 
dicate. Put all the ladies in you can, and having se- 
lected Egypts, warn them against Turks and Perus, 
for when the crash does come, they will remember 
what you said, and trust you more. Lady-clients give 
much more trouble, require more consultation, and 
never seem to think you have any other fish to fry. 
Tou may recoup yourself for such a loss of time in 
sundry ways. When your fair one has taken up her 
stock, say in a casual way, i Of course you will take a 
profit, and buy again if the stock falls. Keep your 
Bonds in an iron safe, for if they be lost, or burnt, the 
governments are' much too pleased to give fresh 
Bonds ; — when dividend time comes round, they must 
be left three days for examination.' Your fair clients 
will be alarmed at these dangers, and will say, <I 
have no iron safe, and should not know how to man- 
age.' Offer at once to keep them, collect the divi- 
dends, and advise about selling and buying back. This 
will pay you well. As the Bonds are to bearer, you 
can borrow money on them as you please ; if your 
client's Bonds be drawn you can substitute undrawn 
Bonds with ease, and pocket the bonus, for it is ten 



46 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

to one they never took the number down ; and last, 
though not least, you can, having discretionary limits, 
buy and sell them over and over again and pocket 
nearly all the gains, while, if you should be so awk- 
ward as to act at the wrong time, all you have to do 
is to write a diplomatic note and say, l Certain ru- 
mors were afloat, and thinking that ladies ought to 
run no risks, I sold. The rumors have fortunately 
been proved false, and the stock has risen again. 
Shall I buy back again ? ' In case they should refuse 
to do this, send them the quotation of some other 
lively stock that you can recommend, and say that, 
as the market went the wrong way, you will charge 
them no commission. Women like to be written to ; 
don't grudge your time. The poor souls will repay 
you at least fifty per cent. Let your motto be, ' I 
throw a sprat to catch a herring with.' Country 
clients are preferable to those who attend personally. 
It is true they deal more seldom, but you can charge 
them at least twice as much commission, influence 
them much more by your correspondence, and escape 
the worry of those numberless inquiries which so 
often result in no business, and from that annoying 
buzzing about a man to which the clients who attend 
daily are addicted. 

" When any of your clients become defaulters, treat 
them leniently, and waste no time in law, for of 
course some of them must in time fail, whether honest 
or dishonest, contending vainly as they do against 
a beautiful and elaborate system about which they 
know next to nothing, and where the odds are so 
much against them, without reckoning that indirect 
personal influence a clever broker brings to bear, 
which often is the greatest odd of all. You must have 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 47 

noticed yourself, Pinto, how much and frequently 
such words as these have told on our clients' deal- 
ings, ' What a swindle that Brighton A market is ! 
I should not wonder if the dealers did not refuse to 
carry over next time. If I were a speculatoi, and 
did not mind paying a little out, I should make a 
fortune here. I think British will soon be quite 
unsaleable.' But these remarks must not be made, 
so to speak, at your client, they must appear spon- 
taneous and as if made by one who could not bear to 
see a swindle going on successfully. Of course the 
result would be that your clients would become bears 
of two rising and improving stocks, against which all 
that any one could justly say would be that they 
had improved much and risen much to correspond with 
the improvement. Never go to law. You may depend 
uppn it that an ' Outside Fool' will speculate until he 
has lost all. Besides, it would do your connection 
harm, and in this world of many ups and downs, the 
lame duck* may get cured of its lameness and come 
back to dabble in the dirt again. My plan is always 
this. I say, — 

" l Pay me what you can, dear sir. I would write 
off the debt were I a richer man ; but I have a 
family and cannot afford the luxury. And pay me 
when you can. I know you are a man of honor.' 

" You would be surprised how my defaulting 
clients have worked to pay me what they owed." 

* A lame duck is one who cannot pay his differences. 



48 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTBE VII. 

MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW WARNS ERASMUS PINTO 
AGAINST SPECULATING IN UNSAFE STOCKS. 

" Of course you will occasionally speculate yourself. 
To do this safely you must follow principles, not 
ideas, or even with your superior knowledge of the 
business and better information, you will be ruined. 
If you take my advice you will never buy a share in 
a mine, English or Foreign. The really good English 
mines scarcely ever come upon the market, and good 
foreign mines more seldom still. Even if a really 
good mine is worked by a public company, just as a 
good racehorse is sometimes not allowed to win, so it 
is not allowed to turn out well. Such prizes as Cape 
Copper, Devon Consols, Van, and St. John Del Eey 
are the baits which catch the l Outside Fools,' who 
forget that among the thousands of utter failures 
these are the only prizes. Take no shares in indus- 
trial companies, unless fully acquainted with the 
concern. Success here depends upon the manage- 
ment, often upon a single manager's honesty, business 
capacity, or sobriety. Cable shares are as yet in 
their infancy, and should only be touched by rich 
men who can afford and ought to pay for the experi- 
ments of science. Any day a new cable may be 
invented that may do its work much better and cost 
half the money. Still they are dangerous to bear, 
for the reason that the persons who now hold most 
of them are powerful and rich. Foreign govern- 
ments, with the exception of France, Eussia, the 
United States, Portugal, and one or two others, only 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 49 

pay their interest by fresh borrowing ; and as the 
above-mentioned countries' Bonds only pay an average 
of five per cent, on the price, with some not inconsider- 
able chance of a depreciation, I cannot see the use of 
buying them. A great deal of fuss was made about 
the honorable way in which Eussia paid the interest 
on her bonds during the Crimean War; but surely a 
country backed up by the greatest capitalist would 
not kill the goose that laid the golden eggs. The 
truth is, foreign loans are very much like mines, and 
their credit depends quite as much upon the name of 
of the financier who endorses their bills as upon the 
resources of the country. 

Why, when the young Alfonso ascended the throne 
of bankrupt Spain, and a very large fish had bought 
the Bonds, we read such articles on Spanish stocks 
that, had we not well known that all those columns 
were a mere financier's puff, we must have bought. 
No abuse just now seems bad enough for brokers and 
jobbers ; but surely the magnates of finance, who 
bleed England by the power of their names of such 
huge sums for countries to develop all their railway 
system for strategic purposes, or for empires, almost 
unknown to the lenders, to spend tM "money as they 
please, do far more harm than we. We only execute 
fools' orders, and are looked upon as almost thieves. 
They, by the credit of their names, induce some mil- 
lions to put money into these foreign I O IPs who 
do not speculate. We help the speculator to lose his 
money with us which he would surely lose with some 
one else. We are execrated ; they are lauded to the 
skies. And why ? Because none dare tell truth 
where all this root of evil is. Bussians would be a 
first rate bear, but you cannot carry over j the stock 

c 



50 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

is always scarce. Some day a fall of twenty per cent, 
will come, the great man will have sold his first, and 
then you will be able to carry over as a bear with 
ease. 

No, Pinto, don't touch foreign loans yourself, but 
let your clients try their best against the wire-pulling 
usurers who rule the roast. Would you deal for 
yourself in the stocks of so-called governments, that 
first sell enormous bears of their own rubbish, then 
spread rumors of repudiation, then buy back their 
bears, deny the rumors, then sell bears again upon the 
rally, then repudiate? or pay half the dividend due 
to their creditors, and claim the whole upon the stock 
they hold themselves? Oh! come, ye ' Outside 
Fools,' these are the stocks for you. Call us hard 
names, but catch us in these traps you never will 
again. Oh ! if you but knew the size of the commis- 
sions large financial houses get for selling their good 
names and catching those silliest of all, investing 
fools, you would not think our charges much ! I speak 
with feeling on this topic, Pinto, and I'll tell you 
why. Perus and Turks have never caught me yet, 
but set a thief to catch a thief, they say. With 
shame I own it, I, Nathaniel Seesaw, backed up by a 
s^ystem of elaborate chicanery, no fool to wit, was 
beaten by the* wily African and his financing touts 
and juggling band. Seeing that sleepy old gentle- 
man John Bull let foreign countries on the verge of 
bankruptcy dip their hands so freely into his pockets, 
I was caught by the idea of the Mahometan buying 
up his own stock with the bondholders' money and 
then issuing a fresh loan at the higher price, It 
really was a grand idea. Some clever rogues were 
caught in that Egyptian trap of 1873. I was not the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 51 

only one ; there is some solace there. Knowing that 
the syndicate was powerful and rich, which was to 
float the loan of 1873, I bought a large stake in the 
loan of 1868 at 91 in 1872. It had been nearly 96. 
No doubt I was an awful ass, but I was unlucky 
enough to know one of the syndicate, and that is 
how it was. The loan came out for £32,000,000, in 
1873. I never had a chance to sell. The public did 
not take the bait; the syndicate were sold instead of 
selling " Outside Fools." My 68 loan was at 75. 
Yes, Pinto, and I've got it now. Why did not my 
friends shave my head, and keep me in close confine- 
ment till that Egyptian bubble burst ? Ah t why in- 
deed 1 I fear I shall never recoup myself for that 
mad act. So learn from my experience, and never 
buy a foreign Bond, for when a heavy drop occurs, 
you don't know where it will end, the intrinsic merit 
is so small. 

If you speculate, buy English Eails. This is a 
property, it is indestructible, and in time is sure to 
recover, unless the country should go to the dogs. 
The price Eails have been once they always reach 
again. Of course directors may be found who play 
.their game to suit themselves, defer some bills to 
next half-year to swell the dividend, or drag some in 
to keep it down, charge sometimes more and some- 
times less to capital account, create fresh capital too 
much, and dip their own hands in the till ; but the 
day is fast approaching when directors and their 
speculative friends, with the aid of noodles' proxies, 
will no longer be able to hoodwink or gag a meeting, 
but will be required to give a good account of their 
stewardship, to foster no underhand competitive 
schemes, brought forward only to depress the stock, 



52 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

and then be suddenly withdrawn, to really fuse, or 
not pretend to fuse, and aim at closing capital ac- 
counts. 

All this is coming, but it must have time. The 
only danger is that, when there is no foreign rubbish 
left, the great men of finance should buy these Eails 
enormously, buy articles to crack them up too much, 
and then produce a panic by their sales. This, too, 
is on the cards. At present the Misleading Journal 
tries to prove all Eails too high, and that a panic is 
to come. You see the big ones like to buy their good 
things cheap. Yes, Pinto, if you speculate, buy Eng- 
lish Eails, and when you read a savage article against 
these English Eails, buy twice as much as if no article 
appeared. You'll make a trifle so. In conclusion, 
remember this. To speculate successfully there are 
three requisites — judgment, nerve, and money. Judg- 
ment is to some extent a natural gift; nerve may be 
increased, if not acquired wholly, by sobriety and per- 
severing energy ; some little money must be had to 
start with, unless you run an unfair risk and make a 
fluke. I must now see to business. You will do for 
us I think." 



CHAPTEE YIII. 

MR. TURNABOUT'S QUAINT TEST OF A YOUNG MAN'S 
FITNESS FOR THE OFFICE OF CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 

At this moment John Turnabout entered the office, 
his great red face glowing with excitement, or — the 
favorite old brown sherry. The playful wags inside 
the House called him " Butcher Turnabout." In some 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 53 

respects he was a worthy soul ; but nothing could con- 
vince him that the nation was not made for the Stock 
Exchange, instead of the Stock Exchange for the 
nation. 

" Well," cried he, " to be, or not to be ? " 

"Oh!" replied Seesaw, " Pinto will do for us ; he 
has answered all my questions more than well, and 
listened to my homily on stocks with most attentive 
ears." 

" I should like to put one to him myself," rejoined 
John ' Butcher ' Turnabout. " It is an odd one, but 
the man who answers it as I think that he ought 
may be trusted anywhere with anything. I never 
yet found one of Pinto's age who could so answer it. 
Suppose, young man," said this funny old broker to 
me, " you were travelling alone in a first class carriage 
on one of the metropolitan railways, and a young 
lady with pretty trusting face and winsome ways, 
and figure freely shown by the new-fangled style of 
dress, which an old man like me would think sug- 
gestive, if not immodest, were to step into the same 
carriage, and seating herself opposite to you, say, 
1 Pray, am I right for St. John's Wood ? ' what would 
you do ? " 

For a few moments I was fairly staggered by this 
novel question ; but soon recovering, I thus replied, — 

"I should answer my fair questioner with the 
suggestive dress in these few words, ' I really am 
not sure, but I'll get out and ask a porter.' Suiting 
the action to the word, I should have the rudeness to 
forget that 1 had seen the lady, should spring into 
the nearest carriage in which the other sex was not, 
and ride in safety to my journey's end. ' You see, 
sir,' as an intelligent, though ungrammatical porter 



54 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

once remarked to me — ' you see, sir, they 'as quite a 
weakness for perfessional men a- travelling alone in a 
first-class carriage.' " 

" Bravo, Pinto," said the funny butcher; "araan 
of your age, who is proof against the seductive wiles 
of such a dangerous man-trap, is safe enough for me ; 
you now are one of us. Off to your desk and wire 
the country clients well to make up for lost time." 

I bowed, and wired, well pleased that I was safely 
through this odd ordeal, and wondering much at the 
butcher broker's grotesque test of my trustworthi- 
ness. 



CHAPTER IX. 



ERASMUS PINTO GOES TO DINE WITH MR. NATHANIEL 
SEESAW. 

Next day, when business was nearly over, and when 
I had wired at least half a dozen country clients out 
of good stocks on a rising market, and into South 
American rubbish on a falling one, Mr. Seesaw said 
to me, — 

" Come and take your dinner with me this evening) 
Pinto, and wo can have a quiet chat. There will be 
no one else but my daughter and Mr. Levi Gusher, of 
the People's Bellow graphic, and he has an engagement 
soon after dinner." 

We left the office just in time to catch the five 
o'clock express to Chalk Farm. Seesaw lived in the 
Adelaide Road, some distance from the station. 

" I did live at Brighton," said he, after we were 
safety ensconced in an empty carriage and had lit two 
of his particular Partagas ; " but I could not stand 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 55 

the wear and tear of travelling up and down every 
day. What a place that Brighton is ! It will soon 
be nothing but one vast suburb of London; all the 
world seems to go to Brighton now. and a good part 
of it to live there. I hear the Beckenham scheme is 
to bo on again. Metropolitan promoters, I imagine. 
What nice little profits the Baron and Sammyvell 
ought to have made out of their Brighton bulls. 
There is a pot of money, Pinto, to be made out of 
that threat of competition, hackneyed trick as it is. 
Even the great wire-pullers on the bull side like it, 
because they can clear out all the weak and timid 
holders so, and get a firm basis for a further upward 
move. Of course the bill will be withdrawn, as it 
was a few years ago, and about the same day. Now, 
Pinto, if you and I had made such a haul out of the 
stock as I dare say those two and their party have, 
we should go to the promoters of the rival scheme 
and say, — 

u l Come, now, gentlemen, what do you expect to 
get? You know as well as we do that if you do 
deposit the money you will never get the bill passed, 
and however much the public may like the idea of 
cheaper fares, through competition, they will never 
take shares in the new company. Of course, as 
large quantities of Brighton stock are still in certain 
persons' hands, waiting to be absorbed by the public 
at the proper time, you have a strong position, for 
the pot might boil over, if it went on far enough. 
But you would only gain a little by selling the stock, 
which would not drop much till the bill had really 
passed, and pass it never will. Suppose we say five 
thousand each for A, B, C, and two for all the rest, 
you then might buy the stock before the scheme is 



56 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

publicly withdrawn and make a certain profit in 
addition to the douceur we propose to give. Of course 
you are strong enough to get the shares quoted at a 
fictitious premium, even now-a-days; but really 
there's no chance.' 

" Yes, Pinto, that's what we should do. Is it not 
a pity that the Brighton Directors are so entirely 
devoted to their shareholders' interest and the pro- 
moters of the rival scheme so anxious for a pro- 
blematic public good as not to see their own ? Oh ! it 
is a pity ! Why, if they took the money, both might 
agree to pay a worse dividend this half, pay bills 
that need not be thought of till next half year, spend 
more on rolling stock, and get the A's down ten per 
cent., then next half year, when all the calculating 
idiots would go for two j:>er cent., come out with three 
and a half or four. Oh ! Pinto, if we had the chance 
of such a pretty little game, we soon should have 
swell mansions at the West End then, yes, and at 
Brighton too. 

"Then there's that Chatham Fusion Scheme. I 
grieve to see two champions so careful of their 
reputation for acumen so determined to exact the 
uttermost farthing from each other's shareholders 
that one hundred thousand pounds a year that might 
be saved is lost to both. The shareholders will try 
to make them fuse at this next meeting, I should 
think. And, Pinto, if they fuse don't put your 
money in the stocks, except for a soda-water rise, for 
Parliament will never pass the fusion scheme unless 
they promise to reduce the fares, which, to my mind, 
are quite absurdly high. No, Pinto, choose the great 
trunk lines, not these close boroughs, where so much 
is dark, so many schemes afloat. But just suppose 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 57 

that you and I were the two Kings of Brentford, 
Pinto, what a pretty little swindle w x e should start. 
In the first place, we should permit, not instruct, 
mind, some well-dressed gentleman with a good store 
of native impudence to circularise the public with 
the details of the scheme. We should let most of 
the very rich shareholders into our plot and none of 
the poorer ones. Then we should, of course, having 
bought large quantities of stock before the public 
mention of the scheme, sell gradually all that the 
market would absorb. There then would be a hitch, 
or first a rumor only of a hitch; we should buy 
back again, and take quick profits, after other 
rumors had replaced the former ones. Thus to and 
fro with loaded dice would Messrs. Seesaw and Pinto 
play until their pockets were quite full. When 
pressure from without became too strong, we then 
should fuse, and sell huge bears at quite the top, then 
have a virtuous fit, reduce the fares to please the public 
and the government, and close our bears at the right 
time. Aha! ye shareholders of these southern lines, 
ye may bless your stars that ye have such men as ye 
have to look so closely after your real interests, for 
we should soon have shown you what besotted fools 
we thought you ware." 

I pressed old Seesaw's hand in silence; he was 
really eloquent. 

" Yes, Pinto," said the worthy man, "I should have 
got back all my Egypt loss, for with such profits I 
could well have afforded to sell even at the present 
price; But let us cut the shop ; it makes me ill to 
think what fools directors are to miss such splendid 
chances so. What do you think of matrimony, 
Pinto— eh ? " 



58 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

u My dear Mr. Seesaw," said I, " it is a subject that 
I hardly dare to think upon. If I lived in one of the 
colonies, where a sheep could be bought for half-a- 
crown and a bullock for half a guinea, and where 
surplus corn is used to light the ovens with, I should 
not only think of matrimony, but speedily take unto 
myself a wife and set about increasing the population. 
In a new country, population is surely the one great 
requisite. But in one like this, where your butcher 
will scarcely let you have a pound of good meat for a 
shilling, and where your baker sells you a sickly 
compound of inferior wheat adroitly blended with the 
Rock Potato, or other worse adulterating agents, 
where house-rent, food, and taxes are ever growing 
more expensive day by day, while earnings keep the 
same or else grow less — except for colliers, who work 
three days in the week and drink champagne the 
other four, and for the communistic artisan, whom 
agitators for their selfish purposes seem bent on 
keeping ignorant, by raising the education cry in 
their own vicious way — where servants now are the 
real mistresses, w^here the million or more surplus 
ladies, as a certain person lately somewhat insolently 
termed them, are seriously discussing the question, 
whether it would not be better to go out to service 
and be well fed, with plenty of pocket-money, besides 
being able to badger the snobs upstairs, a privilege 
which, I can assure you, is not to be despised. 

" As for ' Lady Helps,' whatever that very silly term 
may mean, I suppose they would establish ' amicable 
relations,' as we say on ' Change, with the unmarried 
males they might come in contact with, and although 
the mistress of the house would probably be furious, 
I daresay it might be good for the nation at large. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 59 

But this question is too deep for me, I leave it to the 
female Solomon who keeps writing to the papers on 
these interesting topics. I would rather be a servant 
in a luxurious family belonging to the upper ten than 
a governess ; for my lady does not get five shillings 
bonus when she pays a bill of two pound nine, 
whereas, unless I were a downright fool, I should get 
this in Regent Street at least. Hence spring co- 
operative stores. But I am getting away from the 
subject. How dare the thousands of men who have 
inelastic incomes of from two to three hundred a 
year think of marrying a wife who must be elabo- 
rately tied above and below so that sitting down 
would be impossible, while to save her life from a 
mad bull she could not spring aside without the 
danger of most disastrous and splitting results ? How 
dare they face the hungry if not healthy baby almost 
sure to turn up rather more than once a year ? How 
dare they face the chance of twins and still more 
wondrous and alarming natural or unnatural feats ? 
How dare they face the awful doctor's bills, the 
scarcely ever absent nurse ? Ah ! how indeed ? 

" It appears to me, sir, that whatever cant may 
say in such a country as this over-populated, under- 
educated, and luxurious Island is, it is almost as 
much an intelligent man's duty to abstain from com- 
mitting matrimony until he can afford it as it is to 
abstain from drink, or any other vicious habit. Sup- 
pose, you say, 'There is emigration.' True, there 
is; but emigration takes from us the vigorous and 
strong, and leaves us but the weak, the bouches 
inutiles, and an ever swelling class with brains and 
education too, well fitted for professions, but not able 
to find one that pays and is not over-stocked. In 



60 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

truth, dear sir, I feel that the greatest benefit that I 
could bestow on my own class would be, instead of 
marrying on nothing and depriving some one else of 
his fair share of food and love, to slink away unnoticed 
from this vale of tears and make room for some poor 
devil who, most likely through no want of his, is 
nearly starving through the want of remunerative 
employment. Yes, sir, food and love, I take it, are 
the two real requisites for happiness in life, to which 
in cold countries a trifle of clothing may be judi- 
ciously added ; but surely there is no need for such 
grotesque and elaborate architecture in modern dress, 
with all that quaint cockscomb behind. If single 
ladies knew how these astonishing devices terrify 
the marrying man with a small income, surely they 
would in charity defy the milliners, and once more 
let the lady strike the eye more than the lady's 
dress. 

" Now, dear Mr. Seesaw, money, which in the city 
certainly seems the root of evil, can purchase food, 
the first great requisite for happiness, and even if it 
will not buy the love, it goes a long way to make it 
comfortable. It can surround the love with awful 
trains, suggestive and statuesque dresses, bijouterie, 
and all the nick-nacks which your lady, who would 
move in good •' society,' that many-headed hydra, 
requires. If anything stirs my bile more than another 
it is the reckless way in which poor curates with one 
hundred pounds a year, or little more, rush into 
matrimonial bliss, and saying, ' The Lord will 
provide,' straightway beget a baker's dozen of children, 
and then call upon the parish to help to pay the 
butcher's and baker's bill, and to put Tom, Dick, and 
Harry, and any of their brothers and sisters who 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 61 

may be ready, to school. Of course I do not allude 
to that intelligent and ever-growing class of parsons 
who, however much the£ preach against the vanity 
and danger of the riches of this world, with calm 
philosophy select some fair one from their virgin 
flock — a flock that is, if anything, more full of faith 
in their dear pastor's self than in the truths he tells 
— and look more to the fair one's fortune than her 
charms. 

" Oh no, these clever parsons do not rob their 
fellow-creatures of their share of food or love. 'Tis 
right enough, for hardly shall the rich enter into 
the kingdom of heaven, we are told. Then what a 
triumph for a holy man to lead the wealthy Edith 
there, to spend her money, some on charity, some on 
himself. Whatever cynics say, it must be right. 
The parents, too, are right to give her to the holy 
man, for though he may be only as a layman is, his 
cloth ensures respectability. Oh yes, the parents are 
quite right. But the other parsons, who do not 
wear these prudent spectacles, although perchance 
more honest men and true themselves, are surely 
very wrong in. marrying before their time, 
and wedding wives before they have a prospect 
of securing that other requisite of happiness. The 
value of the food supply is raised by this thought- 
less matrimony and begetting of children, which 
the parents really cannot keep themselves. Why, 
sir, a fourth of all our taxes might be paid by 
fining heavily the rich unmarried bachelors and 
spinsters, and by imprisoning without a fine all 
those who married thus imprudently. Now I 
dare say, Mr. Seesaw, you think I talk thus because 
I have no wish to get married myself. There's no- 



62 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

thing I should like so much ; but I don't see my way at 
all. 

" Young man," replied he, " your views are some- 
what strange, hut not far from the truth; yet still 
I can't help looking on man's selfishness in this res- 
pect with lenient eye. 'Tis true I, like the clever 
parson, married Mrs. Seesaw more as a financial help- 
mate than because I was much in love, and I was 
lucky, for never, I think, were more good qualities 
enclosed in narrow space. Thin as a lath, weak as a 
cat, with lack-lustre and sorrowful eyes, poor Jane 
Sipthorpe Sadd lived just three years after we were 
wed, then quietly retired to a better world and left 
me one daughter, to whom I will introduce you when 
we get home. But though there was scarcely enough 
material in my poor Jane to kindle so gross a flame 
as ordinary love, besides all her good qualities, she 
had just thirteen thousand pounds, which if it did not 
make me love, made me respect her very much. 
This money, Pinto, was not invested in rotten foreign 
Bonds, that pay you anything per cent, as long as 
they can keep on borrowing, not in flourishing indus- 
trial companies, where ten or twelve per cent, is paid 
for two or three years, and then the manager levants 
with all the funds, or takes to drink, not in bank 
shares, that favorite investment of ladies with limited 
incomes, clergymen, and orphans, who never think 
of calls, but live on all their dividends, and do not 
set aside a single cent, for rainy days. I wonder 
what the issue would have been if the directors of 
one of our greatest banks that lost nine hundred 
thousand pounds by lending money upon worthless 
bits of paper, instead of sound securities like English 
Rails, had come before their ignorant and greedy 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 63 

shareholders, who never thought of calls and un- 
limited liability, and said, ' Ladies, and gentlemen, 
we have lent your money to men of straw, and lost 
it; indeed, we have lost so much, that we cannot pay 
you any dividend at all, and our reserve is gone.' 
Why, if the directors had told the naked truth, there 
would have been a run upon the bank, the greedy 
fools who held the shares would all have sold, and the 
credit of the bank quite ruined for a time. A man 
or woman who holds bank shares has no right io live 
on all the dividends, for all banks must in a certain 
number of years be liable to break — even the Bank of 
England would have broken more than once, but for 
the aid of government — but should set aside from se- 
ven to ten, and form a sinking fund to recoup him in 
event of failure. No, Pinto; Mrs. Seesaw's money 
was not invested in these dangerous securities, but in 
a first-class mortgage on another person's land, with 
ample margin. I used to consider myself a bear of 
land without having any difference to pay, and I used 
to wish a time would come when I could foreclose and 
take in my bear at a low price. I should not care to 
be a bull of land just now. Some years of great pros- 
perity have raised the price enormously, and made us 
think that land will never go back again. This is not 
true. There is, no doubt, an improving undertone in 
land ; but after a period of inflated prosperity, it is 
dangerous to buy even solid stuff like land, unless 
you pay for it entirely. Suppose land has risen twenty- 
five per cent, in value through a series of peaceful 
prosperous years. A man buys forty thousand pounds' 
worth, and borrows thirty thousand on it. When bad 
times come round, his mortgage is called in, his bank- 
ers desert him just when he wants their aid, and, if 



64 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

he tries to sell, there's not a buyer in the field, except 
at such a price that wipes off his ten thousand pounds. 
Some day, ere very long, these borrowers on land will 
find out their mistake. The fact is, nothing short of 
the actual value of any security, however sound, is 
absolutely safe. But if the owner of ten thousand 
pounds had bought ten thousand pounds' worth of 
land, and paid for it whatever happened, he would 
be as safe as it is possible to be. In case of war, he 
might not be able to sell, but he would get a tenant 
easily 5 for surplus-population makes more tenants 
but not more land, and corn is dearer in a war; and 
so would land be, if all owners paid entirely for their 
land. Unless luxury has brought our nation to the 
very verge of decadence, as it did the countries of old 
times, land is the finest investment to be found ; but 
one who buys when land is dear, should pay for 
what he buys. 

tl Well, Pinto, soon after the death of my poor 
Jane, the panic of 1866 broke out, Upperends burst 
up, banks came down with a crash, and among the 
thousands rendered penniless, the gentleman upon 
whose lands I held a first-class mortgage tried to 
raise a second mortgage to pay his calls in vain, and 
failed. Yes, Upperends, whom all the world had 
trusted so. And since their time how many more 
great names have proved but dross ; and so it will be 
to the end of time. Upperends have failed, Sidonia 
reigns, and if the ' Outside Fools' don't learn much 
more quickly than they have of late, he will reign 
long enough to be beyond the reach of even the 
slightest check. He must feel very sad, this wonder- 
ful Sidonia. What supreme contempt he must feel 
for all the miserable fools who fall a prey to his well 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 65 

organised machinery. I wonder, Pinto, whether he 
believes in other worlds, or thinks this life the sum 
of happiness ? Do you know, Pinto, I admire that 
man intensely, though I wonder how he can resist 
the fearful temptations his enormous wealth renders 
him liable to. I daresay he is anything but happy, 
if you knew the truth. You see, if one gets to the 
very top of anything, it is. a dismal prospect to look 
down; the competition upwards is the healthy thing. 
Poor Sidonia! wealthy as he is, I do believe he is 
more lonely than such pettifoggers as Nathaniel 
Seesaw and Erasmus Pinto. He must know that 
men came to see him for his wealth, and not for him- 
self. I should vastly like, Pinto, just to dine with 
him once, to see the great leviathan and find out 
whether the root of evil has left still some traces 
of humanity. Well, as I told you, my mortgagor, 
unable to raise a second mortgage on his land, was 
forced to sell. The estate, which was worth much 
more than it fetched, was put up for sale. As I stood 
in the best position, and few had money to invest, I 
bought it for just one thousand pounds more than it 
was mortgaged for, and three years afterwards I sold 
it at a profit of eleven thousand pounds. My losses 
in Egyptian stocks have absorbed most of what I had 
except ten thousand pounds, which is settled on my 
daughter Clara, and will remain so whether she 
marries or not. I thought before the Foreign Loans 
Committee gave the coup de grace to all these Bonds 
I might get out without a loss, but now I am afraid, 
and know not what to do. This Egypt nut is very 
hard to crack. One thing is very clear, the stock 
can't stay where it is now. A rise or fall of twenty 
per cent, must be on the cards, and I must wait and 



66 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

grill. But I forgot; we shall meet Mr. Levi Gusher, 
of the People's Bellow graphic, at dinner, and as he is, 
among other things, the Egyptian special, and keeps . 
a c sub ' there while he is at home, he will perhaps 
enlighten us, 

" Now, Pinto, if ever you should feel as if you could 
not do without the love as well as the food we talked 
about just now, take my advice, and go straight to the 
father of some nice girl who has both requisites, and 
say, l I love your daughter, sir; but she has money, 
and as yet I've next to none. But though I have but 
little money, I know what its value ie, and how to 
keep it safe. Let me try to win your daughter, and 
if I succeed, tie all her money fast to her so that I can- 
not touch a cent.' Were I the father of that girl, 
I should reply, ( Young man, I value money quite 
as much as most men do ; but when I call to mind 
how many of my friends, respectable and energetic 
men, have been reduced from affluence to beggary 
through ignorance of what is safe and what is not, 
I feel that I would rather trust my daughter to a 
man who knows what safe investment means than to 
a rich man who might lose his all in some unsound 
security.' By- the- by, how is your father, Pinto ? I 
heard the other day that he had sold the estate in 
Clayshire. Lucky hit that purchase was, so Tape and 
String of Lincoln's Inn told me. He would have 
missed that chance but for the unexpired lease, and 
the testator s family, who, anxious only to divide and 
get clear of each other, instead of keeping the estate 
and living on the rent, were eager to sell, and as your 
father's lease was not run out, they offered it to him. 
I never saw a man who better deserved his good 
fortune than your father does. He is a fine old 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 67 

gentleman. His only fault seems that he is so easily 
persuaded by other people, which often makes him 
suffer secretly for want of firmness to refuse. His 
judgment is good, but he mistrusts it and himself 
through poorness of blood. If I were called in as a 
doctor 'to prescribe, I should exhibit Clarke's blood 
mixture and port wine, to raise the good man's 
estimate of self, and stop his overrating other people 
so. Excuse my speaking plainly, but 1 really see 
nothing else that can prevent Pinto senior from keep- 
ing the money brought him by the sale of this estate. 
I suppose his wife's money is tied to her, is it not? " 
I laughed at Seesaw's quaint remarks and remedies, 
and said I thought it was; and wondered to myself 
why he asked such a question, and talked about my 
worthy father so. Just then our train stopped in the 
station at Chalk farm. After a walk of three or four 
minutes we arrived at Mr. Seesaw's house, which I 
will describe to you in another chapter. 



. CHAPTER X. 

MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW'S HOUSE AND POSITION. 

Every one knows the Adelaide Road, running from 
the Adelaide Tavern, in the Hampstead Road, along 
the North Side of Primrose Hill, and intersecting the 
Avenue and Finchley Roads. It is a good cheerful 
road, with houses of a comfortable unpretentious style, 
not built for " Stucco Swells," but for families who 
know little and care less for the hollow, feverish Bel- 
gravian life, for families whose aim is to eat, drink, 
sleep, and go to church in a regular respectable kind 



68 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

of way, to whom Mrs. Grundy is an amusement 
rather than a terror. Mr. Seesaw's house was called 
" Boyfield House," after a relation of his brother, 
who had made a fortune in Wheal Mary Anne Shares, 
and being childless, was expected to leave Clara See- 
saw some more of the root of evil. The house itself 
was replete with cheerful, well-furnished rooms, and 
in other respects was like many in the same road. 
There was no straining after effect, no tinsel, no flashy 
furniture such as the vulgar plutocrat affects. Na- 
thaniel Seesaw, though a City Broker, was a man of 
taste and much respected in the neighborhood. He 
had been the vicar's churchwarden for some years, 
and had been retained in that office, it was currently 
reported, because of the very superior way in which 
he held the plate on Sundays, especially to all who 
flocked in the church without having sittings of their 
own. Few could resist the powerful appeal, not 
of their own consciences, not of the Eev. Silver- 
tongue Eichwife's eloquent discourse, but of Na- 
thaniel Seesaw's full basilisk gaze, so cold and 
clear, so utterly devoid of any sympathy with the 
impecunious devout — a gaze that seemed to read 
each parsimonious thought as soon as it was formed 
— a gaze that often changed, as if by sleight of hand, 
a silver threepenny into a shilling, and not seldom 
half-a-crown, according to the moral strength or weak- 
ness of the victims that he gazed upon. Oh ! with 
what sovereign contempt he looked upon the paltry 
giver of a threepenny, that miserable silver piece, 
coined surely by the Evil One to be a thorn in the 
side of holy men, by which so many niggard, luke- 
warm souls seek to evade their religious obligations. 
I say evade, for never can discharge be gained at such 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 69 

cheap rate. With what bland smile Nathaniel See- 
saw beamed on givers of gold pieces, whose disordered 
livers, or the purse-proud wish to seem more charita- 
ble than others are, too often made them give the 
gold. The widow's threepenny is more than your 
gold pieces, ye would-be religious fools. I myself 
heard the Eev. Hawhaw Chasuble incautiously avow 
at Miss Ancient's muffinstruggle, that his vicar — that 
is, he meant to say, the parish poor — would lose three 
hundred pounds a year if Mr. Seesaw were to give 
his office up. 

We were now assembled in the drawing-room, and 
I was introduced to Clara Seesaw and Mr. Levi 
Gusher, the Egyptian special. As the lady exercised 
an important influence on my career, I will describe 
her first. 



CHAPTEE XI. 

CLARA SEESAW. 

We met : what need of speech, 
To tell the heart that each 
Was dear ? — a word, a look, 
And from an open book 
Of thought, we read our love. 

A Fragment from the Poems of Salome Pinto. 

Imagine my dear " Outside Fools," a woman about 
twenty-five years of age, with a very pale but not 
unhealthy complexion, perfectly oval face, wavy 
chestnut hair, and very large full brown eyes, that 
looked at you with an honest openness, and, at the 
same time, an unconscious dreaminess that made 



70 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

you interested in, and at home with, their owner at 
once. In figure rather tall and slight, she moved 
with an alluring languid grace, a sort of serpentine 
litheness that was enchanting. There were curves 
and undulations about the figure of Clara Seesaw 
that are not possessed by ordinary women. To be in 
her presence soothed and delighted the senses much 
in the same way as it does to listen to a beautiful 
piece of quiet music. There was no conventional 
pose, no studied manner; she was perfectly natural, 
and yet completely lady like. Her dress became her, 
but added nothing to her beauty, which would have 
been infinitely more beautiful and graceful to the 
artist's eye in a Garden of Eden, clad only in the 
simple costume of our first parents. After meeting 
with the girls one does meet with in London society 
— girls fearfully and wonderfully dressed, in manner 
half-flirt, half actress, or, if nature be not wholly sup- 
pressed by art, simpering and silly, bent alone on 
securing some well-to-do mediocrity as a partner for 
life — it was indeed a rare treat to see this woman, 
fascinating, yet quite unconscious of her power to 
fascinate ; unsophisticated, yet well informed ; charm- 
ingly naive, and free from prudishness, yet far more 
modest than the conscious misses who are so afraid of 
seeming natural, on whose cheeks a blush is so ready 
to rise that men who did not know this style of girl 
would think she must be blushing at her thoughts. As 
you are now probably tired of my description of Clara 
Seesaw, let us turn to Mr. Levi Gusher, the City 
Editor, and Special Correspondent on Egyptian 
affairs. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 71 



CHAPTER XII. 

MR. LEVI GUSHER, OF THE " PEOPLE'S BELLOW- 
GRAPHIC. 

A very feminine-looking man was Levi Gusher, with 
a blonde complexion like a girl's, a face perfectly 
innocent of whiskers or moustaches, and features 
small and delicately chiselled. In height he was 
quite five feet three, if not half an inch more. And 
yet, though small in size, this little man had a most 
magnificent air, and when not in foreign parts, his 
dress was the envy of all City editors, to all of whom 
he was about as superior in neatness of person, quality 
and style of boots and gloves as he was inferior in 
power of brain. With his small well-turned head 
raised high enough to be quite uncomfortable to the 
' back of his neck, this little fellow would gaze abstract- 
edly into space like one whose brain is laboring to 
solve some difficult financial problem. He wore this 
philosophic air for fear he should be confounded with 
the common herd of speculators whom he passed on 
his way from his office to his broker's, and from his 
broker's back again. This dainty person was, so 
said report, a favorite with women, who like either 
strong, passionate, manly sort of men, to whom they 
can look for protection, and of whom they are rather 
afraid, or else the man-milliner style, like Gusher, 
who can admire and appreciate all their little arts 
and mysterious fine9see, who can make love to them 
in a pretty harmless sort of way, and who is too 
well-trained to show the slightest natural impulse or 
feeling. I confess that I felt a pang of jealousy as I 



72 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

saw this gifted being complacently ogle Clara Seesaw 
through his eyeglass, with an air that aped that of a 
Sultan who throws a handkerchief to some favored 
odalisque ; but there was no cause for alarm ; she evi- 
dently regarded this paragon of City editors as an 
amusing curiosity, and would no more have dreamt of 
loving such a mannikin than he of loving anything 
more than himself. Yet Gusher was* good company, 
had a store of small talk and city scandal always ready, 
knew what Delancey, of the Misleading Age, and Dere- 
muth, of the Flesh and Devil, were about, was posted 
up in all the riggers' and the wreckers' moves. 'Tis 
said another change in City editors is imminent. 
Just listen to an ex- Director's views of what a City 
editor should do. 

11 My dear sir," said he to a friend who was indig- 
nant at the way in which the pen was used to suit 
employers' speculative books, "you talk absurdly. 
It is quite a mercantile affair. I was a Director once 
myself, and I confess that I always used the informa- 
tion my position gave, nor did I think it wrong, 
because I know all do the same." 

"But does the nation know that their Directors 
hold these views? " said the friend. 

" Of course it does," replied the other, " and it 
does the same itself in trade. Each class may 
grumble at the way the other classes cheat, but still 
at heart this nation of shopkeepers likes to cheat, if 
it be done but legally. It's no use changing City 
editors ; they are the puppets of the men who own 
the papers for which they write. One writes things 
up, sells on the rise, and buys back on the fall. He 
is kicked out. The next writes down the bad and 
good alike, buys when the good are down and sells 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 73 

when the rebound has come. Is there a pin to 
choose ? " 

The man who said these words was liked by all, 
and was a gentleman. Think over it, ye " Outside 
Fools." 



CHAPTEE XIII. 



DINNER — A CYNIC'S IDEAS OF ROMANCE, AND THE 
REMARKS OF A LEARNED CRITIC. 

" Dinner is served," was the welcome sound that now 
called us from the drawing-room. Although Gusher 
was so much in love with himself, and I already 
half in love with Clara, in spite of my previously- 
expressed views on marriage and population, yet both 
of us were not sorry to hear those comfortable words, 
" Dinner is served." Never mind what we had to 
eat and drink. There was no pretentious display 
no false glitter ; everything was well-cooked and 
quite as well served, and, more than that, the 
wine was real juice of the grape. Our host 
was at one end, his daughter at the other; I and 
Gusher sat on either side, and a very cosy little partie 
carree we made. I enjoyed myself very much ; but 
I tell you honestly that one or two bright glances 
from Clara Seesaw's -soft brown eyes could have 
transmuted Spanish mutton into the best southdown, 
Cape Sherry or Mountain Port into Madeira and 
veritable '47. 

I had felt jaded and worn before I left the office, 
and experienced that wooden feeling about the fore- 
head that springs from overwork, for it was carry- 

D 



74 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

ing-over day, or, as Jabez Suavity would call it, "First 
Thieves' Day." There is worry enough on that day 
without the pestering inquiries of the " Outside 
Fools" who bother one to death to learn the making 
up price of this or that stock, the contango or back- 
wardation on some other, all day long. Besides, they 
often want to deal before the jobbers have arranged 
their books and scarcely yet know how to start the 
game for next account. However, we protect them 
well by bringing wider prices out for all who try to 
deal. As I felt rather done up, after lunch I ran 
round to a doctor's place in Finsbury Square, and paid 
a fee for his advice. " Eest and a tonic," said the 
sage. As rest was quite out of the question, and a 
tonic alone was of no use, I might have saved my 
fee. Of one thing I am sure, no Galen's mixture 
could have done me half the good which that delight- 
ful tonic did that began to work almost from the first 
moment that I saw the lovely Clara. I wonder 
doctors don't prescribe, " Eest and a lively girl's 
society ; " for many melancholy patients would soon 
be well with such a commonsense prescription's aid. 
A young friend of mine, who is " born," and conse- 
quently moves in good society, and who has fallen 
madly in love with a pretty little hundredweight of 
blonde humanity, styled " Baby Clarke," the pride 
and ornament of Mayfair Skating Bink, thus said to 
me, — 

" Pinto, old man, if you are low and out of sorts, try 
falling in love ; it is the best pick-me-up that ever 
was invented. Ever since I have been spoony on 
Baby Clarke I've felt so light and airy-like, I seem to 
tread on air, and to have drunk some curious elixir 
that makes everything unnaturally fair. It's very 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 75 

funny, but it's very nice. Yes, Pinto, fall in love, 
you'll never have the blues till after marriage then." 

" Pish and pshaw," says some testy old cynic of 
mature age, " the boy is in love, and why on earth 
can't he say so in as many words, and have done 
with it! No doubt, my good sir, you are right; but 
I have not yet toppled over the matrimonial preci- 
pice as you have and been much bruised with the 
fall. I am not yet awakened from that dream which 
we all have a right to dream at least once in our lives, 
as a foretaste of heaven. * Young man," I think I 
hear the old cynic rejoin, " there is more romance in 
a prime saddle of mutton, a ripe Stilton cheese, a 
bottle of ' 63 port, and a box of A 1 Partagas than 
there is in all the smiles, ay, and the caresses of a 
Yenus. ' A chilly thing is love, without good-store 
of corn and wine,' the Eoman poet says. " Quite 
true, old man, but the corn and wine are more 
romantic with the Yenus than without. 

Ail human beings in this vale of tears require to 
be narcotised at times, and in a slight degree, and 
this is right, for else their sorrows would oft turn 
their hard-worked- brains. Only let their motto be, 
" Nought in excess," those golden words of old 
Greek sages, the only safe "proverbial philosophy " 
which one might teach a child, and fear no ill result, 
such as the priggish and one-sided wisdom of the 
copy-slips will oft produce. 

Well, cynical old man, your narcotic is perhaps 
a pint of generous '63, mine is the anodyne of 
woman's smiles. Some find it in intoxication of the 
mind, in travel, books, or some engrossing business, 
in which the thought of self is lost; some find it 
in the chasuble, the music, and the church with dim 



76 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

religious light; the maiden finds it often in the 
parson, decked out for his theatre ; this narcotism in 
its highest and most happy form is Faith, and in its 
lowest and its worst it is bad beer, a dose of opium, 
chloral, gin, or grocer's wine. Who could have 
thought, old man, to look at you, with that daily ex- 
panding waist, that you, too, once had your dream ? 
Yet so it was ; the short-necked, short-breathed fair 
one, sixty years of age, who lies so often snoring by 
your side, was once a slender, graceful girl, one 
glance from whose bright eyes was quite enough to 
make you both the happiest and silliest of men. 

Yes, you've had your dream, don't sneer at mine, 
and think your '63 the only sensible narcotic left. 
No sooner, however, have I answered the old gentle- 
man's cynical remarks on love than I am assailed by 
one Grammaticus, a critic on the Fangless Viper's 
staff, a weekly paper which was read extensively 
before the Flesh and Devil burst on an astonished 
world. Grammaticus, to whom this book was shown 
in manuscript, on which he scribbled here and there 
his caustic notes, has, at all times, a liver in fine 
order for criticism ; but all through the November 
fogs and dark December days 'tis charged with pus 
and venom worthy of Eupilius Eex. Here are his 
notes, — 

44 1 cannot conceive how a low broker's clerk, in 
other words, a vulgar moneygrub's understrapper, 
dare to publish anything at all, and having dared, to 
trifle with his readers, if there be a single fool to read 
such trash, by telling them the feelings of a broker's 
clerk forsooth, while in the presence of his lady-love. 
He says he writes a book to show how " Outside 
Fools " are duped, to prove that members of the Stock 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 77 

Exchange are not so bad as they are thought to be, 
and yet I, Grammaticus, find this conceited broker's 
clerk, instead of writing contracts at his desk, talking 
twaddle about himself and his feelings in the thirteenth 
chapter of his so-called work. Does this fool, Erasmus 
Pinto, think that characters like Nathaniel Seesaw, 
Jabez Suavity, or that dummy Turnabout, show up 
the men on 'Change in better light ? Good lack ! I 
have cut up some tons of trash in my time, but glad 
I am that this is yet in manuscript, for I should scarce 
find proper words to damn the thing in print." 

To this elegant invective, in spite of which the 
manuscript will go press, I will reply in the next 
chapter. 



CHAPTEE XIV. 

OMNE TULIT PUNCTUM QUI MISCUIT UTILE DULCI. 

Most sapient Grammaticus, by whom even to be 
censured is an honor, and to be praised must be per- 
fect bliss, whose remarks, so full of critical refine- 
ment and elegance of diction, I have copied down 
with care, as models for the benefit of Pintos yet un- 
born, accept my warmest thanks for your benevolent 
suggestions, and also my regret at not being able to 
avail myself of them. As those who could write on 
this subject are prevented by the root of evil, and as 
those who would write on it have not the experience, 
I, having the experience, feel bound to tell the public 
what I know because they ought to know it, and 
there's no one who will tell. I am no author attitu- 
dinising and grimacing before a sated public and a 



78 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

captious band of learned critics, but I am simply 
carrying out the latest wish of my dead father-in-law, 
whose posthumous notes will form portion of this 
narrative, and who, having cheated many in his 
time, desired to show intending speculators how he 
did this evil thing. There is something to be said, I 
try to say it, and what matters if it be not said accord- 
ing to strict rules of art ? You say, my dear Gram- 
maticus, " that I am a low broker's clerk," and you 
append a caustic explanation of the term. I was, not 
am, a broker's clerk, for ever since my Clara's father's 
death I have been a broker myself, with two low 
broker's clerks to work my wicked will. But it would 
be trenching on your province, most accurate of 
critics, to quibble about words. How can I be a vul- 
gar moneygrub sprung from a British king ? What 
though the Pintos have condescended to allow a scion 
of their house to enter the service of the plebeian 
Seesaw ? has not the son of a duke, with an equally 
noble disregard of pedigree, deigned to enter Ethelbert 
and Wagtail's office ? It is true they are very 
different men from Nathaniel Seesaw and John 
Turnabout ; but still the stigma is the same, if there 
be any, which I fail to see. You are behind the 
times, my good Grainmaticus. Plutocracy is. now 
the real aristocracy, and will continue to be so in 
this country as long as butcher's meat keeps at its 
present price. You should see some of the names 
the vulgar moneygrub has written on his contracts. 
Any way, the broker fellow is on speaking terms 
with real live lords, marquises, and members of parlia- 
ment. Why, I have at this moment a tiptop lady, 
who is a bear of seven thousand Anglos ; and no fool, 
too, if she does not close on a slight rise, which my 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 79 

native gallantry will never let her do. Then, really, 
my dear Grammaticus, learned man as you are, I 
think many of the " Outside Fools," for whom these 
pages are expressly written, are better and more use- 
ful men than you or I. I am an optimist, and think 
that ignorance is vice, and hope that when the 
" Outside Fools " know how the trick is done, there 
will be fewer fools to fall a prey to knaves like me, or 
their own greediness. As for these little conversa- 
tions about myself, Clara Seesaw, Levi Gusher, and 
others, they may not have much to do with the 
subject, but they help the reader to get over the dull 
passages without yawning. You spitefully insinuate 
that characters like myself, Seesaw, and Turnabout 
are no ornament to their class, and that this is not 
the way to clear the character of the members of the 
Stock Exchange. Can I point out the abuses and 
defects of the system by describing and panegyrising 
the numerous honorable members who belong to that 
system ? Of course I cannot. Whereas by describ- 
ing the black sheep like myself, and gibbetting their 
malpractices, I relieve my conscience and that of my 
lamented father-in-law, do a public good, if in an 
awkward way, and give more lustre to the virtues of 
the general body of brokers and jobbers by showing 
up the few dishonest men. I can assure you, for I 
hear it every day, that the honorable members of the 
Stock Exchange are earnestly discussing the best 
means to alter many of their rules, and stop the 
worst and most insidious methods of chicanery. As 
for my style, my good Grammaticus, puzzle not your 
learned brains about it, for we neither of us shall 
profit if you do. I should not wonder, if the " Out- 
side Fools" live long enough, that they will weigh 
your merits much more justly than they used to do. 



80 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

CHAPTEE XV. 

ACROSS THE WALNUTS AND THE WINE. 

Dinner was over, dessert was on the table, the 
glasses were filled : Seesaw's and mine with the port 
of '63, destined to eclipse all other ports in body and 
bouquet combined, Miss Clara's and the dainty 
Gusher's with a still Moselle of rare and curious brand. 
Our host's benevolent face beamed with increased 
benevolence, as a good man's should when he has had 
a good dinner, I was serenely happy, Clara looked 
amused at Gusher's languid air of calm indifference, 
which now and then was varied by a condescending 
smile at her, when Seesaw broke the silence thus : — 

"Come, Gusher, let us have your latest news. 
What are the great ones after now ? What news from 
Egypt ? I hear your ' sub ' is there, though you are 
home again, You know how deeply I am interested 
in the Khedive's welfare, and how thankful I am for 
the smallest crumbs that fall from the editorial table." 

The piece of flattery struck home, and this illustrious 
member of the Fourth Estate replied, — 

" There's very little news, and not a telegram worth 
mentioning from Egypt yet, though I expect one 
every day. The only new thing I have heard is this. 
The Honorable Flora Eattledrum, whom doubtless you 
know well by sight, has lost ten thousand pounds in 
Turkish Seventy-Threes, and is in a furious rage with 
old Stephen Jobberstock, of Warnford Court, who put 
her into the stock. She vows that if he does not find 
her something good to make up for the loss she will ex- 
pose him to the world in general and to her own set in 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 81 

particular. Now Jobberstock is in a pretty quandary, 
for this determined lady of title comes to his office twice 
a day, bullies him aloud before his clients, and often 
sits in the office for an hour at a time, expecting some 
impossible movement in Turks to bring her money 
back to her. Stephen does not care twopence about 
the world in general, but he does care much about the 
Lady Flora's set in particular, for the commissions he 
gets from her and her friends' clandestine specula- 
tions come to nearly two thousand a year, besides 
some further pickings from limits and contangoes. 
Another of Jobberstock's clients is Lady Di Hupper- 
ten, whose husband is very rich, but, as the lady her- 
self says, so mean that she is forced to speculate to 
dress herself. She was a persistent bear of Anglos, 
and made nearly three thousand pounds out of the 
transaction ; but she turned a bull of Egyptian just 
before the Turkish repudiation, and as a powerful 
clique were forcing Egyptian Stocks down everyday, 
old Stephen grew alarmed, and made her close at 66. 
The price did decline further just after this, but she 
would buy again, and instead of rising, the stock fell 
to 52 and a half. While it was £till at 54 the 
lady herself got in a funk and sold, intending to buy 
back at a still lower price, but no chance offered, as it 
gradually rose to over 60. 

" The worthy Stephen, finding that his connection 
with the wealthy lady speculators at the West End 
was in serious peril, and, like other brokers, being 
well aware that the stock would never stand at the 
price it was then for long, but must have a heavy 
fluctuation upwards, or downwards, determined to 
make a last vigorous effort to retrieve his fair clients' 
losses and his own reputation. With the aid of an 



82 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Israelitish friend, without whom no speculative 
broker's office is complete, he procured a substantial 
advance on the Honorable Flora's diamonds, and also 
a clever imitation in paste to lull marital suspicion, 
and having himself lent a thousand pounds on two 
houses belonging to Lady Di, at Kensington, he 
strongly advised his clients to give a certain sum for 
the call of thirty thousand Egyptian 1873, if he could 
get the business done. It is not an easy thing to find 
a jobber to deal in puts and calls with outsiders 
when a stock is unsettled, but with patience and 
attention it is possible to get a few thousands done 
sometimes. They both agreed, although they knew 
no more what put and call meant than a lover does 
how much of his lady love is real, and how much false. 
" After a great deal of trouble the business was 
arranged at an average price of three per cent, for 
the account, i.e., they stood to lose three pounds per 
hundred on thirty thousand, and to gain whatever an 
upward fluctuation might give them, if they sold at 
the right time. ' There now,' said Jobberstock to 
himself, -the fools can only lose nine hundred pounds 
a-piece, and I have good security for that, while if an 
upward move should come, which is just on the cards, 
it will be more than three times three per cent., or 
I'm an ass.' This option was arranged this afternoon, 
and I shall watch the issue with some interest. One 
thing I know : it can't be many days before we get 
important news, and I shall have it first, or quite as 
soon as the leviathan, and he won't put the price up 
all at once, you may be sure, though rumors of all 
sorts may put it down. If so, don't sell." 

Thus having said, the City editor rose from the 
table, bade us all good-night, and left. I, with reluc- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. S3 

tance, followed him — dreamt all night of Clara Seesaw 
as Cleopatra and Egyptian stocks at 75. As the next 
day had an important influence on my fortunes, I 
will begin a fresh chapter with what then took place. 



CHAPTEE XVI. 

A BOLD STROKE FOR A WIFE. 

The next morning I awoke with a sense of grave 
responsibility, why, I could not exactly define. I felt 
as though a crisis in my fortunes was approaching. 
I had thought deeply over Gusher's anecdote and 
parting hint, and I secretly favored Jobberstock's 
view that a rise was not unlikely, even if it proved 
a soda water, not a whisky rise ; and all the way 
to the city I argued the pros and cons. Except for 
those select few political wire-pullers and financial 
magnates who were in the secret, this Egyptian 
nut was the hardest to crack of any that had for 
years been offered to the teeth of speculators, and, 
what is more, " Insiders " were as much at sea as 
" Outside Fools."' 

I will just give the views held by the general body 
of brokers and jobbers, which were of course held 
more or less by the outsiders, for their views come 
mostly from other brains and not their own, and 
chiefly from the money articles. It will be seen at 
a glance that the bears ought to have been victorious 
according to the usual rule of probabilities. 
Against the Stock. 

1. The general distrust engendered by the revela- 
tions of the Foreign Loans Committee. 



84 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

2. The aggravation of this distrust by the recent 
Turkish repudiation. 

3. The certainty that the general public would 
refuse subscriptions to the further loans of any but 
the very soundest governments. 

4. The slender n ess of the chance that the Khedive 
would have the moral courage or power to break with 
the financial touts, and usurers, and banks that were 
sucking his blood, ruining his credit, and preventing 
him from publishing a true statement of his position. 

5. The uneasy feeling produced by the explosion 
of sundry small parcels of political gunpowder on the 
continent. 

For the Stock. 

1. The richness of the country and the value of its 
exports. 

2. The investiture of Prince Tewfik by the Prince 
of Wales with the star of India, not regarded as an 
empty compliment to a Foreign Prince through 
whose dominions it was necessary to pass, but as a 
definite expression of England's wish to make an ally 
of Egypt, to render her moral and material aid, to 
make the succession sure and the change consequent 
on the death of an enterprising and enlightened ruler 
less prejudicial to the country. 

3. The necessity of England's doing something to 
show that the " peace at any price" party have not 
completely stultified her energies, but that she has 
her eyes open to Muscovite encroachment, and a feel- 
ing that Egypt, being the highway to India, and free 
from the perplexities of the " Eastern Question," 
would prove a more paying protegee than the ever- 
ailing Turk, by whom, through our own government's 
mistakes and large financial houses lending their 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 85 

names to float the loan, so many "Outside Fools'' 
have come to beggary. 

After a careful summing up, I decided in my own 
mind that the stock ought to be certainly bought. 
But this was all very well, and the views I held 
might be true, but how was I to get Seesaw and 
Turnabout to act, unless I could give them some 
definite information, which I did not possess, and saw 
no hope of possessing ? 

I have already mentioned in an earlier chapter 
that the firm were large holders of Egyptian Stocks, 
bought at a much higher price, and that, if the price 
fell much more, it would be a very serious matter. 
Immediately after the Turkish repudiation became 
known, they had sold bears of the same amount of 
the stock as they held, but being so completely in 
the dark as to the extent of any further fall, they 
dare not close their bears, although the stock had 
dropped so much — in fact, about thirteen per cent. 
Now if I could induce them to close, they might net 
the difference, and sell again on the rally, and unless 
there was again a fall and they thought it wise to 
close, they could- deliver the stock they had held so 
long and be clear of any further loss. I thought I 
saw a splendid chance of saving the father and win- 
ning the daughter. But where to get information 
from a source that warranted action ? Where indeed ? 
In rather a desponding mood I walked down Capel 
Court with some telegrams, when I spied Gusher, 
with his head in air as usual talking to Eeginald 
Meekin in quite a patronising way. Now Meekin is 
a fine man, about a foot taller than Gusher, and dull 
as I felt, I could not repress a smile. The City 
editor did just nod to me, but with a look so frigid 



86 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

and so lofty that I saw nothing was to be got in that 
quarter, so delivering ray telegrams to the Cerberus 
at the door, and inwardly cursing all City editors, I 
turned back to the office in no enviable mood. I saw, 
in my mind's eye, my employers ruined, the fair 
Clara in tears and lost to me for ever. No sooner 
had I entered the office than Turnabout handed me a 
sealed packet and said, — 

" I want you, Pinto, to take this at once to Messrs. 
Ethel bert and Wagtail's and place it yourself in the 
hands of the Honorable Walter Loftus, the junior 
member of their firm." 

Now, observe how oddly things come about, and 
how much stranger truth is than fiction. The 
Honorable Walter was under an obligation to me. I 
had dragged him out of a hole in the ice at the risk 
of my life, while skating at the Welsh Harp the year 
before. That service, coupled, no doubt, with the 
fact that my genealogy was unimpeachable, made 
him acknowledge me, whenever we met, and say 
that he hoped some day to be in a position to repay 
me. Of course, dear " Outside Fools," you all know 
the Honorable Walter Loftus. His presence is com- 
manding, head massive and well set, forehead broad 
and intellectual, the eyes full of fire, and the mouth 
and chin expressive of great determination. He has 
an easy flow of conversation, and a genial animated 
manner. I am sure you must know him well. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 87 

CHAPTEE XVII. 

THE HONORABLE WALTER LOFTCJS' TIP. 

I luckily found the Honorable Walter in the office, 
and delivered the packet safely into his hands, and 
was just turning to go, when he said, — 

" Glad to see you, Mr. Pinto; will you step into 
my private room for a few minutes, I should like to 
have a little conversation with you." When the door 
was shut he continued, "I believe I can now repay 
the obligation I am under to you; but you must 
promise on your honor that you will not divulge to 
anyone else what I am going to tell you. It was 
understood when I joined the firm of Ethelbert and 
Wagtail that I was to communicate to the senior 
partners any early information from persons in high 
places, with whom, as you are aware, I am intimate. 
Now I am at this moment in possession of a very 
valuable piece of information, which I daresay the 
firm would not like my mentioning to anyone at all, 
but I owe my life to you. This news will be known 
to several about three o'clock this afternoon. At 
present not even Delancey, Deremuth, or the Baron 
know anything about it; indeed, I know from a 
trustworthy source that, having closed their bears 
about from 53 to 57, they have put them out again, 
expecting a heavy fall. Gusher, of the Bellow graphic, 
may have a wire from his sub-editor, who is now in 
Egypt, but scarcely before two o'clock, and you 
may be sure Gusher will tell no one. With Deremuth 
he is intensely nettled, owing to some sharp criticisms 
on his money articles, and he would be delighted, 



88 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

as indeed would several inside the House, to see so 
fine a bear well pickled and strung up. I hear that 
many of the jobbers have agreed to close their bears 
together, force Egyptians up, and so make Deremuth 
close. Now listen well to what I am going to say, 
for it is no common occurrence, but one which, if I 
mistake not, the members of the Stock Exchange 
will have cause to remember for many a long day 
with a shudder, when they think how nearly were 
the snarers snared themselves, — an occurrence, I say, 
which will set all Europe thinking. I need not tell 
you how much the Khedive has been pressed for 
money lately, and you may be sure his so-called 
bankers won't relieve the pressure without plunging 
him still deeper in the mire of bad finance. Well, a 
few months ago, not liking the proposed terms for 
the renewal of the Treasury bills, he opened negotia- 
tions with some French bankers and the Societe 
Generale for an advance on his Suez Canal shares. 
Now, as is too often the way with bankers, when one 
really wants their help, these worthies were very 
difficult to please, and thinking that their mouse 
was safe, they played with it, intending to devour it 
at their leisure. So they higgled and haggled till 
Ismail's royal bile was stirred, and in a huff this 
sharp Mahometan turned to a leading English bank- 
ing house for aid. 

" Meantime an agent, so the story goes, of the 
Emperor of all the Eussias suddenly appeared in 
Egypt, and bid the Khedive two million eight hundred 
thousand pounds for his Suez Canal shares, and that, 
too, with many coupons cut off from the shares. What 
could this agent want them for? What was his 
autocratic master's game? But that is not our busi- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 89 

ness now. Oddly enough, this Eussian agent's bid 
was just four hundred thousand pounds more than 
the French syndicate had been even asked to give. 
This bid woke up the Paris usurers, who saw now 
that the royal mouse seemed likely to escape the cat 
this time. And then began a little auction thus, — 

" l Two million eight hundred thousand pounds, 1 
can bid for the shares/ the Eussian agent cries. ' Three 
million,' promptly bid the syndicate of France. ' Two 
hundred thousand more/ the Muscovite replies. 
Three million four hundred thousand pounds is bid 
for France. But lo ! upon the scene appears a bid- 
der from that slow dull land, which ever since the 
Free Trade mania seized upon our minds, and so- 
called Liberals ruled, so many foreign countries, 
solvent or insolvent, have snubbed, sneered at, or 
plundered of her gold. He bids but once, 'Four 
million pounds' and down the hammer comes. 

"Whatever faults the present government may 
have, though Slave Trade Circulars be framed by 
under-strappers' hands, though round men be too 
often put into square holes, as wittily was said not 
long ago, though ironclads be sunk, and none but 
subalterns to blame, this one act, to my mind, so 
sensible, far-sighted, and courageous, might condone 
all else. 

" Why, sir," and here the Honorable Walter grew 
quite great in his excitement, " it means that once 
again old England is awake! The British Lion 
shakes himself free from that miserable sophistry 
which fain would have us think our mission is to 
spread free trade o'er all the world, save negro brothers' 
souls against their will, laugh down the volunteers, 
and talk and act as though wars all were ended now, 



90 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

as though a single haughty bully's spleen were not 
enough to set all Europe in a blaze, as though the 
Tinkering Triumvirate sought nothing but the spread 
of Christian grace. Oh, well it is that England wakes 
in time ! 'Tis true, we are a race of shopkeepers, 
but not so lost in the pursuit of trade as to forget 
our shops must be themselves kept safe. More taxes, 
if spent as they should be spent, to make the 
common soldier's lot a better one, to fit our fleets of 
active gunboats for the coast defence, will bring no 
discontent. But stay, in my excitement, I forget 
myself. 'Tis not the time for such remarks. Of 
course I need not tell you, Mr. Pinto," continued he, 
in calmer tones, u what effect the news will have 
upon Egyptian Stocks, already largely over-sold, 
when it becomes known, which it certainly will, 
during the afternoon. Take my advice and act in 
time, but don't forget your promise not to mention 
this. There is no more to say. Have I repaid you 
now?" 

With deep emotion I grasped the young noble's 
hand, and cried, — 

" You have, indeed, a hundred-fold." 

I left the office of Messrs. Ethelbert and Wagtail 
with far different feelings, and at once made up my 
mind that, as I was bound in honor not to tell my 
firm the news, I would act for them as they would 
act, supposing that they knew. By doing so I should 
make Turnabout and Seesaw both warm friends, 
advance my interests, and might win Clara as a wife. 
Turnabout was luckily away for the day, and Seesaw 
was going to a special meeting of the Great Wheal 
Kitty at two o'clock, as more money was wanted, 
though the lode was cut, so that there was not much 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 91 

fear of interruption from them. I went straight to 
the house, and being authorised to deal for the firm, 
I closed both partners' bears and bought just twenty 
thousand for the rise. It 'was now half-past one 
o'clock, and finding that nothing was wanted at the 
office, I went to lunch at Mabey's, which, after this 
eventful morning's work, I needed much. 



CHAPTEE XVIII. 

LUNCH, AND A DOCTOR'S WIDOW'S PRESCRIPTION. 

Now, my dear " Outside Fools," if you will specu- 
late, don't forget your lunch. If you try to save a 
shilling or two here, you will often lose pounds else- 
where. I was myself in business for some time, 
before I discovered that mind is by no means stronger 
than matter, unless you keep the matter nourished 
well. 

I had supposed that the best way to keep the Evil 
One his proper distance was to crucify the fiesh, live 
low, take exercise abundantly, drink water only, and 
work hard. If mind be stronger than matter, this 
should certainly be right. But this peculiar thing, 
this mind, which most of us exalt so foolishly, ignor- 
ing or deploring the vile body's influence, through 
idle longing to be more than mortal men, this curious 
emanation sprung from source divine (as also these 
vile bodies are), which, when possessed abnormally 
by man, so dazzles those whose healthy ample bodies 
keep their quiet minds well ballasted — this mind, I 
say, the grotesque antics and the quaint imaginings 
of which are called by many, " genius," has one 



92 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

set of ideas and arguments before a meal, and quite 
another after it. This is not only so with ware of 
common delf, such as Erasmus Pinto, or as " Out- 
side Fools;" but it is also so with philosophic por- 
phyry. Just give the poet potash for a week, and 
see what poor thin stuff he'll write. " Oh ! fool am 
I to rid me of my bile when springtime comes," says 
a shrewd Eoman satirist. But warm the cynic's 
blood with just a pint of generous wine, and you will 
find the germ of human feelings even in that arid 
breast. Fall down and worship " Intellect," not 
" Genius," ye "Outside Fools," and, once more, if 
you speculate, do not forget your lunch, or else your 
mind, whatever be its strength, will soon grow feeble 
as an idiot's. 

The stomach is only a larger brain, and even now 
I often think with my stomach — a great deal more 
than is comfortable. 

Now as I have already explained to my critical 
friend, Grammaticus, my object is, not to write any- 
thing original or sensational, but to give you value 
for your money, by explaining why it is you lose; 
and as I know that you will speculate, and cannot 
keep away, I will present you with a valuable pre- 
scription, which will enable you to see your bears 
go up and bulls go down without alarm ; will give 
you strength to catch your broker just at the right 
time, to get him to do your business when caught, 
and to report it promptly when it's done. How often 
Seesaw, with his ample well-fed body, after a good 
lunch, would take his clients' orders in with him, 
stay larking in the House or dealing for himself, and 
then come out, and say, "I can't get on," or else * 



' Atria eervantem postico falle clientem. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 93 

slip out another way, walk up to the office, and when 
the angry client did appear, say coolly, " You were 
gone when I came out. I did your business." Of 
course the business showed no profit, never once. 

Oh, Seesaw was magnificent, when nicely fed ! A 
sound mind in sound body there was there. Tet 
when his body, later on, grew weak, and dragged his 
noble powers down, he was a wretched spectacle, 
looked at from broker's point of view. He could not 
diagnose a client at the last, much less a market, 
properly, and when he grew still worse would call 
himself a thief, and other unjust, foolish names. 
And then my mind, the body being right, would 
smile, although I pitied the old man. Grammaticus 
has scribbled here this note upon the manuscript, — 

" Old Seesaw doubtless drank." 

Most learned critic, you are wrong. He was most 
temperate, but being mortal, as perhaps you scarcely 
will allow yourself to be, his health gave way, as 
yours and mine will surely do in time. 

But to return to my prescription. It was given 
to me by a doctor's widow, in return for certain 
small but often very useful services. This doctor's 
widow, who was nearly forty, but whose body still 
made havoc with her mind at times, had two sweet 
children in their teens, and a. nice jointure that was 
to expire when she did herself, and also if she took 
another spouse. They were good children were these 
two in teens, whose only aim seemed to keep their 
mother in sound health. And they did not do this 
from filial motives alone, but, as was natural, they 
wished to keep alive the jointure and their mother 
too, and still enjoy, with her society, those many 
comforts and that good position a nice jointure gives. 



94 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Money may be the root of all evil, but most of us at 
bottom like the root. Now this widow had a lively 
temperament, and was well enough before her hus- 
band died ; but since she lost his love, she had suf- 
fered from acidity, dyspepsia, and those small ail- 
ments which prevent so many sinners from becoming- 
saints. Well, she was doctored by the faculty for 
nothing, as is the custom, I believe, and of course they 
spent as little on her as they could, and got her well 
and kept her well as long as possible. 'Tis true they 
got no fees for all their best advice. No, not for real 
intelligent appreciation of their patient's constitution 
and peculiarities, although they got so many fees for 
giving pills and draughts to " Outside Fools" by rule, 
as though they dealt with mere machines, but still it 
paid them well, because this buxom widow's blooming 
face, the children and the jointure all conspired to 
spread the praises of her Galen's skill, to bring him 
other patients troubled with dyspepsia, who, though 
they had no jointure depending on their health and 
abstinence from married bliss, and no two children 
depending on the jointure, could still well afford to 
suffer from acidity till a good bill had been run up. 
As I told you, I had done this buxom widow some 
slight services, for which she felt some gratitude to 
me. Now before I knew her, whether it was from 
overwork, from breathing impure air, from drinking 
sewage or animalcule in the London water, I know 
not, but brain and stomach both gave way, the sea- 
side did no good, and all my appetite seemed gone. 
I went to one great man, who sagely said, " The heart 
is far too small for one so large" (I'm only five feet 
eight, and not so stout); then to another, who declared^ 
" The brain is of abnormal size" (I always found it 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 95 

much too small) ; and last, through Providence, T met 
this doctor's widow. After a month's treatment with 
her excellent remedies I was restored to the bosom of 
my anxious and affectionate parents with a digestion 
that an ostrich need not have despised, a heart that 
did not palpitate, and a brain which, large or small, 
was undisturbed by the lugubrious tones of rival 
organ-grinders, playing in one street. This widow 
had more prescriptions than one; but this is what did 
me most good, and what, L think, will suit you " Out- 
side Fools" the best. Get one Messina lemon, squeeze, 
add just one table-spoonful of water, boiled and fil- 
tered, mind, pour into that a wine-glassful of pure 
Scotch whisky, drink, and bless your lucky stars. 
Take this at meal-times twice a day, but never with- 
out food, and take it just as I, or rather Martha Tit- 
mass, the said widow, said it should be took. Aha j 
Grammaticus, you're down upon me now. " This 
vulgar broker's clerk can't write grammatically," so 
runs your note. Perhaps not, but " took " is not my 
word. Old Titmass wanted Martha more for warmth, 
as David the young girl, than for her grammar. Go 
to : this is the way with all your tribe ; you strain at 
gnats and swallow camels whole. And this you do 
not for the public-good, but just to show your clever- 
ness. A very simple remedy, perhaps you say this 
is, dear " Outside Fools." Ah ! there is the mistake. 
No citron or green half-grown lemon must be used. 
No fiery tavern stuff will do. It must be genuine 
mountain-dew, such as the Browns or any good Scotch 
family of taste would choose to drink themselves. 
The lemons must be fine Messina ones. But if 
you don't believe that there is need to be particular in 
little points, just read what the rich parvenu told 



96 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

some of Eome's great men when they came to a banquet 
that he gave. You'll find that your soul's welfare 
may depend on whether the pate de foie gras you eat 
contain a goose's or a gander's liver in the dish. So 
says Grammaticus, and I am sure he knows these 
matters well. So take the hint, and don't laugh at my 
careful way of mixing widows' remedies. Now when 
you've taken this one month, if your secretions are not 
quite inhuman, or your spirits weighed down by 
some awful crime, you'll have a gastric juice quite ten 
above proof instead of one just strong enough to cope 
with bread and butter and beef-tea. If you are too 
strong, suck half a lemon in the morning; if too 
weat, see that you don't. That doctor's widow saved 
my life. Poor thing ! she's gone to rest herself. Telle 
est la vie. But now to business once again. 



CHAPTER XIX. 



STEPHEN JOBBERSTOCK S OPTION TURNS UP TRUMPS, 
AND THE HOUSE IS CHECKMATED BY DIZZY, DERBY, 
AND SIDONIA. 

I had finished my lunch • each little hillock of the 
mucous membrane that lines the stomach was duly 
distilling its ten above proof gastric juice, and pro- 
perly triturating a Mabey steak and fixings, thanks 
to the doctor's widow's prescription. 1 felt quite 
ready for my task. It was nearly three o'clock. I 
ran over to McLean's Telegraphic Bxchange, took a 
glance at the tape, and saw Egypts mark sixty-two 
three-quarters three. As I had closed Seesaw and 
Turnabout's bear at a rather lower price, this was 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 97 

encouraging, although, of course, the news had not 
leaked out. I then went back to Capel Court, and 
seeing Gusher talking to his very foreign-looking 
broker, Burney Gosdoe, asked him whether any 
news was in. He answered evasively, as is the way 
of City editors, — 

u I have no news ; you know I think the stock 
ought to be bought. You will find I am right when 
it is too late." 

Ey this last remark I guessed that his " sub " had 
sent him a wire, and in a pleasant frame of mind I 
returned to the office. Seesaw had not returned from 
his meeting ; but before I had written out the con- 
tracts for signature, he came in, and I then asked per- 
mission to go out on private business. 

" All right, Pinto," said he, " you can go, and I will 
stay in and keep the office till four o'clock, and 
perhaps you will then be in to see the letters posted." 

I promised that I would, and went away well satis- 
fied, for Seesaw would probably hear nothing about 
the fluctuations of Egyptian stock until next day, 
which was just what I wanted. About twenty 
minutes past three, therefore, away I went to watch 
events. The condition of the Egypt market was 
very peculiar. As I have already mentioned, they 
had been about 52^-53, but the powerful bears had 
closed, and among them was Deremuth, whom the 
inside operators, by combining, tried to catch in vain. 
This clever speculator, by whom the maljjractices of 
the less reputable jobbers and brokers had been 
severely criticised, had made a handsome profit out of 
his first bear, which he closed when the stock fell 
down to 52J-53. But when it rose to over 62 he sold 
again. So did Delancey and the Baron; so did the 

E 



98 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

men inside, A drop of ten per cent, at least seemed 
imminent. The oldest hands inclined to sell; and 
yet I had been told that they were wrong. I was 
told they were all wrong. Suppose the Honorable 
Walter's information turned out false ! He might 
be, after all, deceived. The thought was horrible! 
Just then the Paris prices came to hand. They 
showed a moderate rise. Delancey got a wire to 
buy at best. He closed his bear at once, and 
bought a bull of twice as much. The others followed 
suit, for they are not like " Outside Fools/' but cut a 
loss at once. 

You know, in days gone by, how we have heard 
that news was sent to England that Waterloo was lost 
— how Sidney Smith's cl Greatest Fools in Existence " 
sold all their three per cents., while knaves who knew 
the battle was not lost, but won, bought all they could. 
You know how Lombards fell before the news came 
out of Signor Sella's convention with the government. 
Of course you do. Well, all at once, though only 
one or two could tell from whence they came, strange 
rumors filled the air, alarming lelegrams appeared 
at the Lombard, the Jerusalem, the Baltic, and 
McLean's. 

To make the " Outside Fools " think more of it, 
Consols, that index of the state of politics, were driven 
down a half per cent. Says one, — 

" The Khedive's bills are all returned. I have the 
tip to sell." 

" The Austrian troops are mobilized," another 
shouts. 

I heard a broker say, — 

" Were I not deeply in with all my clients, I 
would bear Egyptians till black in the face." 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 99 

Black in the face he was ere long. Another broker 
whispered as he hurried down the Court, — 

" I saw one of Sidonia's clerks just now ; he says 
that Egypts will be quite unsaleable before the close." 

I should not have imagined that so stale a trick 
would have taken a broker in. JBut he was very 
young. Poor fool, he sold himself ! 

" At sixty-two three-quarters, sell twenty Egypts," 
hoarsely cried a dealer in the House. 
" Sell fifty at a half, " another bawls. 

II At sixty-two, sell twenty more," the other shouts. 
Alas ! poor inside fools, this time, Sidonia picks 

you up. He buys, so says the lying jade, a million 
stock, his sons a hundred thousand each. The public 
followed suit. In came the Paris prices good, as I 
have said, not bad, as thought the bears they would 
come in. Poor bears I their heads began to feel so 
sore, for in a few minutes the price had gone to 64 
and tended upwards still. It still kept rising up to 
four o'clock and left off 65 and very strong. Though 
the doors were closed, Throgmorton Street was 
crammed by an excited crowd. Dealers, brokers, 
clients, runners, touts, all trying to arrange their 
books somehow, and almost all desiring to buy. 

A few persistent, and, so to speak, constitutional 
bears held on, still fewer actually sold more, and called 
the rise insane. Insane or not, it drove more than a 
score jobbers and brokers into temporary insanity, 
and gave others such a shaking that to this day they 
have " Suez Canal Shares on the brain," and ofttimes 
scare their* wives at night by waking with a start, 
and crying, — 

" Bay Egypts, buy ! Sidonia's the banker now ! " 
" Oh ! Dizzy, how you treated us ! " 



100 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

When this memorable account was over, a leading 
member of the House wrote to the Misleading Age, but 
not this time upon the 1st of April, as before. The 
gist of what this jobber's luminary said was this, — 

" Is it not wonderful ! we were on the losing side, — 
not even were the public, who live but for us, so 
wrong as we — and yet I say, with pardonable pride, 
we have paid differences on three hundred millions, 
with but few exceptions, and for these I can find 
plenty of excuse. Can anything be said against men 
so clever and so honorable as, in adverse times like 
these, to pay their debts to < Outside Fools ?' From 
henceforth close your mouths, ye carping dolts who 
try to criticise our doings, for I, yes, I myself say 
this, and, what is more, I think it too, f The public 
weal consists in floating foreign loans. ' " 

All that the above-mentioned wealthy and respecta- 
ble jobber wrote, I, Erasmus Pinto, and the member 
of my firm, most gratefully endorse, there is such 
glorious candor in the words. 

Never for years had the Stock Exchange been so 
shamefully taken in. No scrap of early information 
was given by the wire-pullers in the world of poli- 
tics. 

" It was/' as said a leading broker, " a most snob- 
bish piece of business, looked at from a City point of 
view." Among the " Outside Fools " the greatest 
fools had won, for they were bulls; the clever ones 
had lost, for they were bears. So Capital oft catches 
Reason in its net. Just as I left for home I spied old 
Stephen Jobberstock, with looks of exultation in his 
hanging cheeks and winy face. That lucky option 
had brought back the three per cent, with other seven 
in its train. No bull of Bashan ever looked so pleased 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 101 

as he. The Honorable Flora and the Lady Di. were 
once again in funds. How everything in this well- 
ordered world does some one good ! The crowd 
dispersed at nearly six o'clock. 



CHAPTEE XX. 



ERASMUS PINTO REASSURES THE BROKEN SPIRITS OF 
HIS FIRM. 

When panics come, who seems to wear 
A calm, serene, superior air, 
As though it wasn't his affair ? 
My broker ! 

London Charivari. 

The above lines would be found applicable in most 
cases, whether the panic be downwards or upwards ; 
but in this memorable case of the " Egyptian bear 
pickling " they were altogether out of place. The 
next morning, full three-quarters of an hour before 
eleven struck, excited would-be bulls tried their level 
best, as City men would say, to buy, and frantic 
bears, with heads so sore from Dizzy's pungent brine, 
writhed and wriggled, trying harder still to close. To 
aid this pickling process, adroitly-written articles 
appeared in the money columns of those great and, 
in all other respects, honorable educators of the 
nation, the daily newspapers. And these insidious 
articles on stocks, that sullying stain upon the bright 
escutcheon of the " Fourth Estate," were swallowed 
eagerly, as usual, by the country " Outside Fools," 
and brought their telegrams and orders up by thou- 
sands to the market for Egyptian Bonds. 



102 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

The price reached 72, which made a rise of twenty 
all within a fortnight's space. And what made it so 
very sad was this. The men inside were nearly all 
caught bears. Some " Outside Fools " had actually 
rushed in where " Inside Angels " feared to tread, and 
so there was the pitiable, novel, and, to Erasmus 
Pinto's mind, immoral spectacle of the former making 
profits, while the latter suffered heavy loss. The 
place was all demoralized. That poor young broker, 
friend of mine, and such a nice young man, who fain 
would bear Egyptians for his clients or himself, till 
he, or they, or both were all black in the face, I saw, 
with brain all wrecked, tears in his eyes and led 
away by friendly hands to moan in secret silence o'er 
that latest scurvy Jewish trick. That other broker 
who went rushing down the Court, and said, " The 
stock will be unsaleable by night," himself was ham- 
mered in the morning when the rattle went. " Messrs. 
Puttit, Callit, Sellit, Buyit are unable to meet their 
engagements," cried the automaton official in the 
House, then down the fatal hammer fell. How near 
a shave it was with many more the Members' Oracle 
well knew, although he thought it quite unwise to 
write about that fact. 

And yet ye might take heart and rest of reins, ye 
fallen angels, if ye would ; your case is not so very 
bad. 

Six and eightpence in the pound will do great 
things, and your good names are not gazetted, as those 
of " Outside Fools " in trade. Oh ! yes, take heart ! 
yonr brethren are subscribing like good men and 
true ; you soon may start again, a goodly crop of 
fools is growing np. What though the foreign loan 
dodge is used up, your next bait can be mines. Not 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 103 

foreign " wild cat" mines. Oh, no, poor Emma 
sounded their death knell, but <l bond fide British 
Mines" should be the cry this year. " Investors, 
give your capital to bring to light the iron, coal, the 
lead and tin your country has abundantly beneath 
the soil." That is the sort of trap to lay. It seems 
so honest and legitimate. Investing fools, ye worst 
of all financial fools, be not misled by these insidious 
words. Good mines there are, but they remain in 
private hands, with very rare exceptions. The best 
mines are English Eails, you always will have some- 
thing there. But I digress. So sick were we inside 
that we proposed to take a holiday while yet we had 
some little "root of evil" left. But when Jack Brag- 
mehearty's cheques came back with N.E. on their 
face, then sullen anger seized upon the House. A 
universal favorite was Bragmehearty with us all ; 
so genial, upright, jolly, free was he, no canting saint, 
but really straight, and let in by some " Interme- 
diate Eools," as aptly said Sir Oracle. Sidonia, Dizzy, 
Derby, any one and anything was blamed by turns. 
I could have cried myself, but had not time, nor 
onions ready to my hand. 

As soon as I got to the office, I found Seesaw and 
Turnabout in a great state of excitement, as well 
they might be, seeing that they knew nothing about 
their bears being closed, and were looking forward 
to no pleasant pickling tub, for I had held my tongue, 
as yet. John Turnabout's port- winy face was blue 
instead of red, and never did I see the good church- 
warden .look so little like himself. Had he but held 
the plate at church with look like that, the Bev. Sil- 
vertongue Bichwife's pew rents would have been 
sadly lessened to make up the failing Sunday offer- 



104 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

ings. The " threepenny devout " might then have 
worshipped undismayed, the impecunious, free and 
comfortable too. But, thanks to the Honorable Wal- 
ter Loftus and Erasmus Pinto, no parochial disaster 
such as this was destined to occur. I placed the deal- 
ing book in Seesaw's hands, and pointing to the 
entries, simply said, — 

" The bears of Egypts have been closed, and if I 
might suggest, without offence, the bull of twenty 
thousand should be sold at once, for even now the 
market is upon the turn. c Sidonia buys/ say all 
the c Outside Fools;' you know, dear sir, well what 
that means." 

" Go, Turnabout, at once," said Seesaw, " sell them 
twenty Egypts at the best. I know not what grim 
joke this is, but it is right to sell, at all events, be- 
cause there's not an ' Outside Fool ' who does not 
think it right to buy. Go sell, I say." 

Away went Turnabout, in silence, though he 
thought his partner just a little mad ; and then I told 
my tale, but not before Nathaniel Seesaw had for full 
ten minutes stared in blank amazement at the entries 
in the dealing book, and then recovered sober sense, 
as one knocked down in pugilistic ring recovers con- 
sciousness to be " up smiling" just in time. When 
he had heard it all, he said : — 

" My lad, I cannot talk of this just now ; come down 
and dine with me to night, and we will talk the mat- 
ter over then. I only trust it is no jest. Go, leave 
me to myself, till it is time to go. I left him to him- 
self. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 105 

CHAPTEK XXL 

THE TELEGRAPHIC CABLE OF LOVE. 

If the reader will be good enough to turn back to 
the latter part of chapter nine he will there find 
Mr. Seesaw speaking thus on the subject of food and 
love, — 

" Now, Pinto, take my advice : if ever you feel as 
though you could no longer do without the love as 
well as the food, go boldly to the father of some nice 
girl who has both to bestow and say, ' Sir, I love 
your daughter, but she has money, and I at present 
have next to none; but although I have not money, 
I have learnt how not to lose it, which is almost bet- 
ter than possessing but to lose. Tie your daughter's 
money fast to her, and trust them both to me.' " 

This conversation kept recurring to my mind, and 
I secretly determined to take the old man at his 
word. I met him, as before, at Chalk Farm Station. 
When we were seated in a carriage where there was 
no one else, he thus began, — 

" Erasmus Pinto, acts alone can suitably repay the 
service you have done for me to-day. The incubus 
which weighed my spirits down for some three years 
is now removed, and this is due to you. One thing 
I can and gladly will do for you, which is this. John 
Turnabout is getting gouty, and would like to give up 
active partnership, still keeping his money in, and 
taking share of profits when the panics come, and 
1 Outside Fools ' sell all their soundest stocks to us, 
who then buy all we can, and borrow, beg, or steal to 
pay for it. Ah, ' Outside Fools/ if ye knew this, ye 



106 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

would not play your cards so foolishly ! As we now 
are safe financially, you must become a member of 
the firm of Seesaw, Turnabout, and Pinto. I always 
think a firm that has three names is more respect- 
able." 

Seizing this lucky opportunity, I quoted those 
words of his which stand at the beginning of this 
chapter, and said this besides, — 

" The food, I see, sir, is now pretty well secured, 
and I want the love as well. You are the father of 
the nice girl who has both love and root of evil, 
too, to give. Let me win and wear your daughter, 
if I can." 

" Nothing I should like better, replied Seesaw ; but 
that is easier said than done. What chance have you, 
who have only seen the girl once, when many others, 
who had plenty of good looks, assurance, and the 
root of evil, after months of idle courting', were re- 
fused ? My Clara is no common miss, although she 
be the daughter of a licensed thief. I wish you may 
succeed, but never can I force the inclinations of my 
girl. Though I have passed my life in the pursuit of 
sordid gain and robbed the ' Outside Fools ' of gold, 
I still have sense enough to see that there's no mine 
of wealth so lasting and so rich as woman's virgin 
love, and just observe, in passing, that this virgin or 
first love is often felt by those who never will be 
virgins any more, — I mean by those whose foolish 
parents made them marry men against their will. 
My daughter has escaped that fatal trap, and never 
shall she marry one she does not love, through act of 
mine." 

" You will, perhaps, laugh at me, sir," I replied ; " but 
although I have no tangible reason to hope, and 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 107 

although I am not so conceited as to think my looks 
are equal to those of the suitors who have failed, 
I still have hope. Ever since I saw your daughter 
first, I have felt as though some subtle odic or 
electric influence passed to and fro between us, as 
though an unseen telegraphic cable ran through air, 
and made our brains its offices at either end. The 
insulation of this airy cable is, like that of ocean 
cables, variable, and more or less disturbed by air 
currents, and the would-be-lovers' physical condition ; 
but, unlike the older wheezy Anglos and the sickly 
new Direct, it never is quite dumb'. Well, it is very 
odd, but ever since that day I dined with you, and 
Clara Seesaw's dear brown eyes looked into mine, I 
have seemed to have her image photographed upon 
my mind, to know her thoughts and acts, and live in 
her society. As there is no monopoly yet in the air, 
as there is, and may still be for a time, in the 
Atlantic, I imagine it to be full of these telegraphic 
cables of love, which are always at work, either 
through the half-conscious cerebration of the would- 
be-lovers, or their direct transmission of messages. 
I further hold that most men and women, to whom 
nature has not been niggardly and churlish of her 
stores, possess in their cerebellum a very excellent 
office for the transmission of these unspoken messages 
of love, and that when once their affinity has been 
proved by the first genuine message, and the insula- 
tion of their cables perfected, although not a word of 
love shall have been spoken by either to the other, 
nor even arrowy glances shot from sympathetic eyes, 
that a delicious secret correspondence may still be 
enjoyed by both, though separated by long distances. 
I am, of course, not speaking of those cold sterile 



10S YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

natures, to whom has been denied the faculty of 
understanding the heaven that exists on earth, to 
whom the book of love is wholly sealed." 

Among these natures I place yours, my good 
Grammaticus, if really you have any nature left, and 
not a few dry rules of art alone. Here I remarked 
to Mr. Seesaw, — 

" I daresay you are wondering how I can have the 
audacity to suppose that any such cable can exist 
between two creatures, one of whom is as inferior to 
the other as a farthing rushlight to the sun. But, sir, 
this is the most interesting and beautiful feature in 
the system, if the theory be true, for atone end of the 
cable there may be telegraphic offices, or Cerebella, 
splendidly furnished, and at the other, a different set 
quite meanly-appointed, and still the cable shall 
have perfect insulation, and work quite well. Surely, 
dear Mr. Seesaw, you must have noticed how young 
ladies of high degree establish cables of love with 
their father's footman, or their music-master, whose 
offices may have just the right kind of furniture. 
And how the youthful scion of some noble house 
will telegraph to girls of humble birth. It is 
because, although there's such disparity between 
them in position, virtues, education, yes, and looks, 
in either case, the one supplies just what the other 
lacks. The two possess between them all the frac- 
tions of the unit, love. One lover may possess an 
eighth, the other seven-eighths. One fifteen-six- 
teenths, the other but the one-sixteenth that's left. 
One three-quarters, the other a quarter. One three- 
eighths, the other five-eighths. And often one nine- 
sixteenths, the other seven-sixteenths. Sometimes 
there is a half on either side. And in proportion as 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 109 

there is a disparity between the number of fractions 
on either side, in such proportion will the love last 
longer and burn more brightly, and in proportion as 
the number of the fractions are more nearly equal 
will it last a shorter time and burn more feebly while 
it lasts. And this is why so many marriages which 
seem unsuitable to those who do not know what 
'fractional disparity' and telegraphic cables mean in 
love turn out so happily." 

As I observed that Seesaw began to yawn ominously, 
I said no more about my cables and fractions, and he 
remarked, drily, — 

" I trust, Pinto, you may turn out to be the exact 
fraction that my Clara wants, but I don't believe it 
is anything so common as an eighth or sixteenth. It 
might be a thirty-second. I am sure the girl has a 
good many on her side. If there be anything in 
that funny theory of yours, there must be half the 
fractions on one side and half on the other in the 
case of old Stephen Jobberstock and his wife, for 
when they are separate, they are pleasant social kind 
of bodies, and you can't tell which you like the best ; 
but visit them at their own house, and you will see 
them fight like cat and dog. One word more. Don't 
try to win my Clara by telling her how you saved 
her old father from ruin, for although that would 
make her look kindly on you, gratitude is not true 
love. Keep your cable, or what ever you call it, 
clear for genuine messages, and good luck attend you 
in your cablegrams." 

We were at Seesaw's door. 



110 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE XXI. 

HOW THE CABLES OF LOVE WORKED. — " NATURAM 
EXPELLAS FURCA, TAMEN USQUE RECURRET." 

Once more we had met, once more the dear brown 
eyes had looked straight into mine, and I was blest. 

As our telegraphic offices were both now in the 
same room, and the strength of the odic current had 
been sensibly increased by the gentle pressure of 
warm hands at greeting, the insulation was perfect, 
and messages kept flashing to and fro, from brain to 
brain, from office to office, while both of us sat still, 
conscious indeed how well our cables' code was under- 
stood by each, yet caring not to express our thoughts 
in feeble words. 

Now, before I give my specimens of messages, I 
beg my lady readers to observe that Clara Seesaw 
was. a child of nature, with a healthy proportion of 
natural passion and affection, and was neither afraid 
nor ashamed of the ideas that came into her virgin 
mind. Just as her simple easy-fitting dress allowed 
each limb to move with supple grace, so did her 
unconventional bringing up permit her mind to have 
free play. No, ladies, Clara Seesaw was not like 
the modern miss, who moves, in " good society," 
whose manners, thoughts, and dress are the elaborate 
production of a high-class seminary and West End 
architect of narrow sacks, of which the two chief fea- 
tures are a prominent display of femoral symmetry or 
want of it, and no small difficulty, in sitting down 
without catastrophe. I hear that petticoats are get- 
ting antiquated now (the fact is, there's no room inside 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. Ill 

the sack and they don't show good figures off enough) 
and that wash-leather tights are to replace the good 
old fashioned garment's use. No doubt these far-see- 
ing milliners and dress-builders are looking forward to 
the fast approaching time when " Woman's Eights " 
shall all be duly recognized, when she shall wear real 
breeches, have her vote, shall ask a man to wed, shall 
be a doctor, barrister, and clergywoman, if she likes, 
and have a seat in parliament, while man, quite tamed, 
shall wear the cast-off petticoat, make pies and pud- 
dings, and nurse babies with automaton content, and 
be her humble slave. Ye Fates, in mercy hurry on 
this golden age. 

Grammaticus, who dearly loves Euripides, and 
hates the sex, has scribbled here some notes, which I 
will print to show the ladies what so great a pundit 
thinks of them. 

"Come, this is not so bad, and if the boy had 
written more of it, and much less twaddle about love I 
might have praised the manuscript, and said 1 1 think 
'twill do for print. ' 

" Give up their . petticoats forsooth, and take to 
science and wash-leather tights ! In heaven's name, 
what n.ext? This would have been a prodigy in 
L ivy's time. 

" Divine Euripides ! how well saidst thou these 
words, ' Oh, Zeus, why did'st thou place these women 
under heaven's light, a tricksy bane to men?' " 

Again, — 

"I hate your clever woman. Ne'er in house of 
mine may woman dwell who knows more than she 
ought to know. 

" For love breeds mischief more among your clever 



] 12 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS, 

dames, while simple ones are free from folly, through 
the smallness of their wit." 

Thus raves this critical misogynist. Ah ! how one 
genuine message flashed along one of love's cables 
would surprise this classic prig and set him right. 
But telegraphic ofiices must have their proper furni- 
ture. 

After this digression, ladies, I apologise, and give 
you now the messages that passed between your 
humble slave, Erasmus Pinto, and Clara Seesaw. 



CHAPTEE XXII. 

THE TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGES OF LOVE. 

1. From Erasmus Pinto } s Office. — " What a pleasant 
thrill went through my sympathising frame, just 
when I pressed your hand. " 

2. From Clara Seesaw's Office. — " How strange ! 
My hand appears to linger in your grasp, and fain 
would stay a little longer there. I never felt like 
this before but once." * 

3. From Erasmus Pinto's Office. — " How delightful 
it would be to spend hours in your presence, gazing 
silently at you, as at a lovely picture." 

4. From Clara Seesaw's Office. — " How odd. Tour 
silence is far more interesting than all those spoken 
compliments, which fell so dead upon my ears." 

5. From Erasmus Pinto's Office. — "I will sit 
opposite you at dinner, and those frank brown eyes 
of yours shall tell me whether I may hope." 

* This must have been when I first came to dinner with 
Mr. Seesaw. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 113 

6. From Clara Seesaw's Office. — "I must say 
something. How strange papa will think it if he 
comes and finds us serious and mute, just like two 
statues. And yet I would much rather sit still and 
say nothing." 

At the precise moment when we both of us felt 
that it would be no longer possible to keep silence 
Mr. Seesaw entered the room, and the odic spell was 
broken. His appearance was a disappointment and 
a relief. In a few moments we were at dinner. 
Clara's manner to me was gay and apparently un- 
constrained, though scarcely so natural as before. 
This I thought encouraging, for it showed that the 
messages had not been forgotten, and that the gaiety 
might be somewhat assumed. I fell in with her 
humor, and we kept up so lively a conversation 
that the worthy old gentleman, whose health was 
anything but good, declared that we had cheered 
him up, and said he wished he had us both to keep 
him in good spirits every day. 

1 here despatched a hasty message along my cable 
to inquire what Clara thought of this remark, and 
looking up, I met her eye, which did not, as it used 
to do, return my gaze with steadiness, but slightly 
dropped. A welcome omen was that little drop to 
me. I at once made up my mind that I would know 
my fate by word of mouth on the first opportunity. 



114 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

CHAPTEE XXIII. 

CLABA SEESAW'S IDEAS ON LOVE. 

Oh ! this first love for man, if true woman conceive it, 

What a world of new hopes, of new joys, of new dreams ! 

How it gladdens dull life, how it makes one believe it, 
All golden and bright as to children it seems ! * 

Dinner was over. After the first glass of wine our 
host said to his daughter, — 

" You must amuse Mr. Pinto, my dear, as you best 
can, for as this is the vicar's night for receiving pew- 
rents I must attend the vestry meeting. Make our 
guest comfortable, and don't leave him to drink his 
wine alone. It is a stupid and unsocial custom.' ' 

After Seesaw pere had left we conversed for a few 
minutes about general topics, when, feeling that so 
opportune a chance ought not to be let slip, I abruptly 
asked my companion how it was that women often 
were devoted to unworthy objects of their love. 

" I fear the subject is too deep for me," said Clara, 
with a smile ; " but as it has engaged my thoughts 
I'll tell you what a woman thinks the cause of this, 
so strange to many minds. I believe that a woman 
loves to place her affections so to speak, but that 
man loves not so much from a strong desire to love 
some one, such as woman feels, as to be loved by 
some one. This strong wish to place their affections 
often leads women to glorify an unworthy object, 
and if that object be unfortunate, or meet with 



* Lines from the unpublished poems of Salome Pinto, 
spinster, Erasmus Pinto's aunt. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 115 

opposition from the friends and relatives, their love 
grows stronger still, and they delight in making 
sacrifices, thinking it a duty to their love. Of 
course all women with more head than heart, and 
they are not so few, do not make this mistake. I 
believe it seldom happens that two lovers feel an 
equal amount of passion for each other, but that much 
more often one gives the greater portion of the love, 
and I incline to think the woman gives more often 
than receives the love. To love with worship is, to 
my mind, greater happiness than to be loved. And 
woman's nature is more fit for this than man's, whose 
intellect will often make him gladly take the genuine 
devotion of a woman and be satisfied. And, Mr. 
Pinto," said this charming woman, with arch look, 
" perhaps we often love unworthy objects, because 
your sex is so prolific in those sort of -men." 

"I fear that is too true," said I, " though it is 
rather sharp on us. But can you tell me why it is 
that so many married people seem so miserable ? " 

u I believe you are laughing at me, Mr. Pinto," 
replied Clara, " but I will do my best to answer 
you. Such a priceless treasure as reciprocal love, 
continuing unabated after marriage, is so rare, 
because, if we could find it easily, the troubles of 
life would be almost unfelt, the duties twice as 
easy to perform, and we should enjoy such happi- 
ness here that we should be in danger of forgetting 
the bliss hereafter we are here to try and win. I 
was much struck with an answer a poor Irish 
scullery-girl, only eighteen years of age, who was 
leaving service to be married, made to me. \ Why, 
Kathleen, are you not afraid,' said I, ' of being badly 
off when you are married? You should save your 



116 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

wages up and wait.* c Ah, thin, Miss Clara,' she 
replied, 'I'm not afeard at all, for Phelim he'll bear 
half me sorrer, and I will get half Phelim's joy; 
and with our love and pratees we will git on 
dacintly.' Now, although poor Kathleen has pro- 
bably discovered by this time that even true love 
burns more brightly with something added to the 
c pratees,' yet that simple arithmetic, by which the 
sorrows were to be halved and the joys doubled, 
which I suppose, ought to be the case where the 
love is reciprocal, seems to show me the reason 
why such love is seldom seen in married life. If 
the sum worked out as Kathleen thought it would 
in ordinary life, the power of evil would become 
too weak to make this life a trial hard enough to 
fit us for another world. And therefore, I suppose, 
it was intended by a higher power that such love 
should not be often found, and that, when found, it 
should but seldom last. And this is why we see 
divorce courts full of applicants anxious to get rid of 
married ties, and why so many who do not seek legal 
remedy live so unhappily at home, and why, when 
two, more lucky than the rest, have found this love, 
and it would last, the husband or the wife is often 
suddenly withdrawn from life. 

" And do you know, Mr. Pinto, that strange as 
Mrs. Grundy may think it for me to say to a gentle- 
man, I believe that there are many women in love 
with men whom they could make happy, but that 
the conventional usages of society prevent this love 
from becoming known, because the lady cannot 
speak, and the gentleman, lacking perception, does 
not see it. Many fine natures, possessing great 
wealth of affection, are thus prevented by our social 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 117 

system from being happy themselves and conferring 
happiness on others, and so a great deal of love is lost 
to the world, although it might have been utilized in 
opposing the power of the Evil One, the personality 
of whom I don't believe, in spite of narrow-minded 
foolish bigots, who read the letter not the spirit of 
their Bible, refuse the sacrament to honest men who 
cannot see Satanic tails and long forked tongues, and 
threaten to resign their benefice, unless their lord- 
ships of the Privy Council make us all believe this 
Evil One to be a person such as a blind poet has de- 
scribed, and artists have portrayed. Oh ! for a little 
commonsense and charity ! No wonder < Disendow' 
and c Disestablish/ are the words so often heard, 
when we all see episcopal, ecclesiastic, and judicial 
elephants engaged in picking up religious pins, grave 
Privy Councillors discussing whether Thomas Jones, 
Dissenting minister, may call himself a ' Eeverend' 
upon a tombstone, or whether only parsons of the 
semi-disestablished Church may have this empty 
privilege. Oh ! Mr. Pinto, why do not these holy 
men, to whom we look for teaching and example, 
imitate their -Master more, and think of creeds and 
1 ego ' less ? 

" But tell me what you think yourself about these 
views, for many of my sex speak of a woman in no 
gentle terms who dares to talk so freely on two sub- 
jects which the cant of hypocrites would say ought 
to be only thought of by unmarried girls, not talked 
about ? " 



11 S YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE XXIY. 

ERASMUS PINTO'S REMEDY FOR THE GREAT WANT OF 
THE AGE. 

" Dear lady," I replied, " your views upon the 
second great necessity of human nature, love, food 
being the first, are very like my own, and I am great- 
ly gratified to find that my ideas of woman's 
love are, in a measure, shared by one as lovely 
as yourself. About the ' personality ' of the Arch 
Fiend I rather would not talk, but I may just 
observe that one of my own friends, who dubs 
himself ' philosopher,' says he is negative, and repre- 
sents the ' Absence of the Good,' and that another, 
who is deeply read in ecclesiastic lore, declares there 
is no evidence to fix the shape, and that he always 
thinks a painting set with Dragon Sovereigns round, 
and showing by the skilful artist's brush that deadli- 
est of hates, the c Odium Theologicum,' would repre- 
sent him in the clearest light to common minds. The 
Dragon Sovereigns would be the Eoot b of Evil, and 
the ' Hate ' the greatest enemy of Charity or Love, 
which, he avows, the Bible teaches, rightly under- 
stood, throughout. This Hatred, like the Evil One, 
walks up and down the earth, but need not surely be 
a person any more than Satan need possess a human 
shape. But of this enough, some men delight in 
finding stumbling-blocks. 

" How often we hear the remark, 'How women 
do hate one another ! ' I think this remark is unfair 
and not founded on fact. No doubt women have 
rather bitter feelings against those who are more 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 119 

than usually pretty, lovable, or attractive to men, 
and they would be more than mortal if they were 
not jealous of superior charms in society's great 
matrimonial race, where, even if the running spin- 
sters all could win, there would be prizes only for 
every other one, for marriageable men are, I suppose, 
just half as numerous as running spinsters are. 
Besides, two-thirds of these fine prizes are but veri- 
table blanks, to glorify whom and make an ideal of 
would require a pretty strong desire on the part of 
woman to ' place her affections/ as you aptly said. 

" With regard to the defect in our social system 
which prevents a lady from making her love known 
to its unconscious object, except in Leap Year, and 
which deprives so many ladies and gentlemen of the 
chance of finding their affinities, their proper number 
of fractions of love in their very limited circle of 
acquaintances, I believe I have a remedy. It consists 
in the establishment of a General Matrimonial Alli- 
ance Association. Perhaps you will say, ' There are 
the balls, promenades, concerts and skating rinks.' 
The rinks are no doubt a step in the right direction ; 
but at all these meeting-places there is too much 
exclusive class-feeling to prevent them becoming a 
national aid to matrimony. They are excellent flirt- 
ing grounds for Belgravia and Mayfair, but nothing 
more. 

" I feel sanguine that the many thousands of un- 
married persons, who are willing to marry, but pos- 
sessing only average attractions or a lower position 
than the Upper Ten are unable to meet with their 
affinity, will, through the agency of my projected 
Association, and after six months' tuition in the Odic 
Theory of Love, attain to their desires. 



120 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

11 Here is a copy of the Prospectus," said I, handing 
one to Clara Seesaw, who read it with some interest 
and amusement. I think it is important enough to 
have a chapter to itself. 



CHAPTER XXV. 



THE GENERAL MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE ASSOCIATION 
(LIMITED). 

Incorporated under the Companies' Acts 1862 and 

1867. 
Capital £1,000,000, in 500,000 shares of £2 each. 
Payable as follows : £1 on application, 5s. on allot- 
ment. 
Balance by calls of 5s. at intervals of not less than 
three months. 

Patron : 

The Queen. 

Directors : 

Chairman — The Eight Honorable Philander Popoff. 

Deputy Chairman — Lord Claudius Guinea Pig. 

Major General Shoveloff, United Service Club. 

The Honorable Augustus Matchem, Director of the 

Surplus Population Diminishing Company. 
The Right Eeverend Masterly Inaction, ex-Bishop of 

Timbuctoo. 
Lieutenant General Eamskull, President of the 

Ladies' Dorcas and Gossip Club. 
Nathaniel Seesaw, Esq., Boyfield House, Adelaide 

Eoad, and Stock Exchange. 

Thomas Pinto, Esq., Chairman of the Society for the 

Propagation of the Odic Theory of Love. 

With power to add to their number. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 121 

Bankers : 
Messrs. Kiteflyer, Backbill, and Luvibonde, Lothbury. 

Architects : 

Messrs. Toolong, Propemup, and Chargewell, 1, 

Billdinhouse Yard. 

Master of the Ceremonies : 

Captain Orlando Settumrite, Detached House Club. 

Brokers : 

Messrs. Seesaw and Turnabout, Change Alley and 

Stock Exchange. 

Solicitors : 

Messrs. Quibble and Quirke, Bedford Bow. 

Secretary : 

Erasmus Pinto, Esq. 

Temporary Offices: 

361, Gresham House, old Broad Street. 

Prospectus : 

The object of this Company is to provide eligible 
persons of all classes and both sexes, who desire to 
form matrimonial alliances, with an introduction to 
each other on a very much larger scale than has 
hitherto been possible through the ordinary channels 
of society. 

It is an acknowledged fact that many thousands 
of respectable, well-educated persons, possessing 
sufficient means to support an affinity, are prevented 
by the smallness of their social circle, or insufficient 
time to visit, from meeting with the object required 
to secure them happiness in the married state. 

For this purpose all that noble site has been 
purchased, known as Yanity Square, adjacent to 
the District Eailway, and a large block of houses 
adjoining will be immediately pulled down, and 

F 



122 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

buildings erected by the Company's Architects, 
which, the Directors believe, as regards proximity 
to the leading thoroughfares, and easiness of access 
from all parts of the Metropolis, will be unsur- 
passed. 

The total area of the property purchased is 80,000 
square feet, on which will be erected two spacious 
Halls : a smaller, or First Class, for those who desire 
to preserve that exclusiveness peculiar to the British 
constitution in the upper classes, and a larger, or 
Second Class Hall, for all those who believe in the 
Equality of Man and Woman's Eights and only 
desire to meet with their affinity irrespective of the 
class in which it may be found. The price of admis- 
sion will be 2s. 6d. to the smaller and Is. to the larger 
Hall. 

It is generally admitted now by scientific men 
that sexual love is not promoted by equality of 
wealth, station, education, or even similarity of 
tastes, so much as by a subtle current of animal 
magnetism, or odic influence, which causes persons, 
on the sight of their affinities, to say to themselves, 
" 1 like or I love that lady or gentleman," as the case 
may be. 

Thomas Pinto, Esq., will give a series of lectures 
on the Odic Theory and the working of the Tele- 
graphic Cables of Love. 

The Directors have at great expense engaged the 
services of Professor Archibald Magnet, M.A., F.E.S., 
A.S.S., who, having travelled over all parts of the 
globe, is acquainted with the marriage rites and cus- 
toms of every race and tribe. He will deliver a series 
of lectures on this interesting subject. 

Brokers will be attached to the Halls, who will, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 323 

for a small commission, supply full particulars re- 
specting the position, fortune, or accomplishments of 
any lady or gentleman using either of the Halls. 

Several first-class photographers will be attached 
to the Halls to supply the affinities who have been 
chosen by the odic influence and introduced by the 
brokers with cartes de visite of each other. Eminent 
doctors will also attend daily, who have devoted 
their whole lives to the study of nervous disorders, 
which, there is too much reason to believe, especially 
in the case of the ladies, arise from the want of an 
affinity, an object selected by the odic influence. 

To ensure perfect privacy in the early stage of the 
negociations, and to prevent even the brokers from 
knowing the names of their clients, or the selected 
objects those of each other, unless voluntarily com- 
municated, every lady or gentleman using either 
Hall will be presented on entering with a card on 
which a certain number only will be printed. 

This card should be filled up with particulars of 
age (approximate in the case of ladies), position, 
circumstances or expectations, but no name or 
address. 

Gentlemen should state whether they are bachelors 
or widowers, ladies whether spinsters or widows. 
When the cards are filled up, they should be left 
in one or other of the brokers' offices, and there will 
be given in exchange a smaller card with the 
corresponding number upon it. The Directors are 
sanguine that, by means of these cards and the 
brokers' aid, not only will bond fides and privacy 
be ensured in the delicate early stages of the negocia- 
tions, but that those disappointments will be pre- 
vented, which in ordinary society are so frequent 



124 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

and so disastrous, arising from ignorance of the 
amount of the Second Great Requisite of Love, viz., 
the means to keep up the magnetic current, pos- 
sessed by the contracting parties. This is too often 
found out when the intimacy has ripened into a warm 
attachment, which is broken off through want of early 
information on the money question. 

In the event of marriage, all objects, or affinities 
selected by the odic influence or Telegraphic Cables 
of Love within the Halls will be required to pay a 
fee of Five Guineas, if selected in the First Class, 
and One Guinea if selected in the Second Class Hall. 

Shareholders will be entitled to profits up to ten 
per cent, arising from the charge for admission, fees 
in the event of marriage, and a small royalty on the 
Brokers' Commission. 

After ten per cent, has been paid to the Share- 
holders, all profits will be set aside to establish a 
special fund to provide the Second Great Requisite 
of Love, viz., means to keep up the magnetic current, 
and bear the expenses attendant on matrimony. 

A preference in this respect will be shown to 
ladies, — indeed gentlemen will be rather nominally 
than virtually allowed to participate. 

Prizes will be given at frequent intervals to the 
Ugliest Selected objects of the Female Sex. 

No married persons will be admitted into either 
Halls, for fear they should disturb the magnetic 
currents of the cables or affinities. There will be 
spacious galleries to both buildings, in which vocal 
and instrumental music of the very best kind will be 
performed. 

Original subscribers for twenty shares will become 
life members of the First Class, and subscribers for 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 125 

ten shares life members of the Second Class Halls, 
and although after marriage they will not be 
admitted, their shares will secure them the privilege 
of admitting two persons free once every day. 

Under all the circumstances, therefore, the Direc- 
tors feel sanguine that not only will the Company 
prove a brilliant financial success, but that from the 
inauguration of this new system of " Natural Selec- 
tion/' by the magnetic or odic current, happy mar- 
riages will increase enormously, that wife-murder 
and the brutal crimes among the lower classes result- 
ing from unhappiness in the married state will sensi- 
bly decrease, and that the bitter and unchristian 
temper so often engendered by ill-assorted matches 
among the higher and better educated classes will be 
succeeded by content and harmony. 

It is believed that the nation will no more be 
scandalized by those Breach of Promise Cases, which 
have become a nuisance and an insult to the people's 
common sense. No artful hussy will be able, after 
this, to catch some unsophisticated honest man by 
a spurious and devilish magnetic current, and when 
he finds, before it is too late, that she, the hussy, 
would not make any man a good and honest wife, 
and draws back from the snare, to make him pay 
large quantities of root of evil, amid the laughter of 
his friends, while she, the hussy, enjoys the joke, 
and root of evil too. The Directors are aware that 
when a real lady, with gentle susceptibilities, has 
unfortunately, through the imperfect machinery of 
society, placed her affections on some unworthy 
object, and has been deserted by the faithless swain, 
she, the real lady, does not dare to face a court of law, 
but cherishing still in her virgin heart the ideal of 



126 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

her love, often pines in secret, and would sooner die 
than sue the fickle one for damages. The lady loses 
her heart, and often the power to make a second 
selection, while the hussy, by her artful tricks, pro- 
cures a decent dowry and another swain. This 
Company will stay this crying ill. 

Finally, the Directors call upon all the influential 
and the wealthy to contribute liberally to the Com- 
pany's fund for providing the poorer selected objects 
with the Second Eequisite of Love, and for giving 
prizes to the Ugliest Selected ladies, as by so doing 
they will be increasing the amount of genuine love in 
their country, and thereby diminishing the power of 
the Evil One. 

All Bishops, Hectors, and Vicars with rich sine- 
cures and fat livings have here a splendid opportunity 
of preventing the poor Curate from robbing his 
fellow-creatures of their share of love by marrying 
without sufficient means, or marrying for money only, 
to his own great harm, and they are urgently 
requested to give with liberal hand, for well they 
know that not a single sermon they can preach will 
ever work the same amount of good as the successful 
floating of this Company. 

The only contract entered into is dated the 24th 
day of January, 1876, and is made between Messrs. 
Seesaw, Turnabout, and Pinto, of the one part, and 
the Company, of the other, whereby the leases of the 
premises and the erection of the Halls under the 
direction of the Company's Architects have been 
secured, and it is believed that the Halls will be open 
to the public by November the 1st, of the present 
year. 

Application for shares should be made upon the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 127 

accompanying form, which, with the deposit, should 
be forwarded to the Bankers, Brokers, or Secretary of 
the Company. 

January 28th, 1876. 

Form of Application for Shares. 

To the Directors of the General Matrimonial Alliance 
Association (Limited). ' 

Gentlemen, — 

Having paid to your Bankers the sum of , 

being £1 per share as deposit, on shares, I 

hereby request that number may be allotted me, and 
I agree to accept such shares, or any less number upon 
the terms of the prospectus, dated Jan. 24th, 1876, and 
I agree to pay the calls when required. 

Name in full ..... 

Residence 

Profession ; 

Date .... 
Note. — Several influential gentlemen who are large 
holders of District Bailway Stock have promised 
their support, and are prepared to subscribe for 
a large number of shares. And it is confidently 
believed that the greatest of all living English 
Ministers who has ever sacrificed himself for the 
people's good will join the Board, and lend his in- 
fluence to make the Company's success unprecedented 
in the annals of Joint Stock Enterprise. 



128 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEK XXY.— (Continued.) 

AN OBJECT OF LOVE SELECTED BY THE ODIC OR 
MAGNETIC CURRENT. 

" Why, Mr. Pinto," exclaimed Clara Seesaw, " if 
you should float such a Company, the grateful nation 
ought at once to make you a peer of the realm, and 
all the single ladies subscribe a trifle to form a hand- 
some testimonial to the great benefactor of their sex. 
Suppose two million ladies subscribed a penny each, 
there would be over eight thousand pounds, to raise 
a statue in the public squares, to print engravings, 
and to form an annual Pinto Prize for the best essay 
on some matrimonial theme, besides an ample fund 
to buy the silver tea-equipage, or whatsoever your 
fair admirers might choose to offer you. Don't you 
think you might extend this idea of the ladies' small 
subscriptions, and establish in your Halls a sort of 
Dowry Lottery Fund. I really think this would im- 
prove the chances of your scheme. I've often heard 
my father say that he has lady-speculators' names 
upon his books, and what a splendid field these 
4 Dowry Lotteries ' would open up for them to gratify 
their speculative wish, and do a public good at the 
same time. Why, suppose ten millions of unmarried 
ladies were to subscribe only five shillings each, how 
much would that bring in, Mr. Pinto ? " 

" Two million and a half, dear lady," I replied, 
" in sterling pounds." 

*** Well, say they double their subscriptions ; even 
cooks and housemaids could afford to pay ten shillings 
for a chance like this. That would give five million 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 129 

pounds. This would enable your Directors to give as 
prizes one thousand dowries of one thousand pounds, 
two thousand of five hundred pounds, four thousand 
of two hundred and fifty, eight thousand of one 
hundred and twenty-five, and twenty thousand of 
fifty pounds. Thus, out of ten million lottery tickets 
thirty-four thousand would gain prizes varying from 
one thousand to fifty pounds. Perhaps you wonder 
why the greatest prize is only to be one thousand 
pounds. As the Dowry Lottery Fund is supposed 
to be created not for gambling purposes so much as 
to enable numbers of excellent women who are not 
as well provided with love's second great requisite 
to marry their selected objects, the prizes are pur- 
posely kept at a moderate figure. Do you know, Mr. 
Pinto, I am a little afraid that, after these dowries 
are distributed, a good many of your sex will sudden- 
ly discover a telegraphic cable with perfect insulation, 
and select their objects with unseemly haste. To 
provide against any mischief here, I should make it 
a condition that the prizes would only be paid on the 
marriages of the successful candidates, and as they 
would come to your Halls on purpose to get married, 
I don't think that condition would do harm." 

" My dear Miss Seesaw," replied I, " this is a most 
valuable suggestion of yours, and I will lay it before 
my Directors at the earliest opportunity. You are 
rather satirical at our expense when you talk of a 
sort of indiscreet scramble for the (iowried objects ; 
but I have the utmost confidence in the unerring 
working of my cable theory. Sordid motives will 
give place to genuine love. Oh, yes, it is a grand 
idea, and much good will be done. Of course the 
prudes and prigs, a few Low Churchmen, some doc- 



130 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS, 

tors, who will fear that the use of the Halls, just as 
of the skating rinks, will seriously lessen the num- 
ber of their hysterical and hypochondriacal patients, 
and some acid old misanthropes, and fussy, narrow- 
minded tabbies who oppose anything and everything, 
will profess to be greatly shocked,* and say, < How 
dreadful! How indecent! What a shameless traffick- 
ing in love ! that holiest feeling of our fallen human 
nature ! An open hunt for wives and husbands in a 
public place !' But all these croakers will not stop the 
Company's success." 

" No," said Clara Seesaw, " I don't believe they 
will ; and as I see my father is one of the Directors, 
I think I shall take a share or two myself. But, Mr. 
Pinto, don't you long to be a l Selected Object ' 
yourself, if it be only to illustrate the proper working 
of your cable theory ? " 

" Ah, dear lady," replied I, seizing the chance thus 
naively offered, " I have longed to be a ' Selected 
Object ' ever since I first saw you, and, though I 
know that I possess a very few poor fractions of that 
complex whole, c Eeciprocated Love,' while you have 
all the rest, yet still I dare to offer you these few in 
hopes they may be what you lack. Oh, surely, after 
the delicious but unspoken conversation that we had 
this afternoon, I am not doomed to hear from those 
sweet lips that all my theory of love is vain. Oh ! 
Clara, say, can you accept a love like mine ? for on 
your answer hangs my happiness or misery." 

Now when a direct proposal is made to a young 

* To judge by his notes on this portion of the manuscript, 
Grrammaticus is simply going to have a fit, and some kind 
friend ought at once to clap a blister on the nape of his neck. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 131 

lady, Mrs. Grundy and her amiable tribe would have 
her blush, say nothing, feign surprise, play her fish 
discreetly, or refer it to papa at once with self-posses- 
sion, and an air of business-like self-possession, free 
from foolish sentiment, and, above all, have a keen 
eye for the "root of evil," the silver tea-pots, gew- 
gaws, fixings and settings to the matrimonial life 
which constitute the sole ambition of so many of 
these adult female babies, the elaborate productions 
of worldly mothers, who ignore, or do not understand, 
anything about the magnetic current or the odic 
influence. With these poor little fools the man they 
are going to marry is the last thing thought of, except 
as a necessary article of furniture, and the question 
never enters their carefully-trained empty little heads 
whether they love him or not. 

Eut Ciara Seesaw did none of these things, she 
only said, heaven bless her for the words, — 

" There can be no need, Mr. Pinto, for me to speak, 
for that magnetic current which you believe in so 
must have already made you aware whether I am in- 
different to your- affection. Indeed, I frankly own 
that from the first time that I saw you I have felt 
both attracted towards and interested in you, although 
why it was so I could not tell. It must be because 
we possess between us the factors necessary, as your 
funny theory says, to make up the complex whole of 
love. Is it not so?" said she, with an arch look 
from her soft brown eyes, each of which seemed to 
me as full of love as an egg is of meat, as a certain 
bucolic swain of my acquaintance quaintly said in 
praise of his lady's eyes. 

My only reply to this was a passionate kiss, a real 
Byronic " first kiss of love." At this interesting 
moment Seesaw entered the room. 



132 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

"Eh, Pinto," said he, "that cable of yours seems 
to be in good working order; and though I did imagine 
your theory of love to be all moonshine, I believe it 
now that I see my Clara has become a convert so 
speedily." 

" My Clara" here exclaimed, — 

" Oh, papa! how can you say such things ? " 

The papa, unmoved, replied, — ; 

" Do you love this young man — Erasmus Pinto ? 
for if you do, I should prefer to cut the l Telegraphic 
Period ' of courtship short, and see you man and wife 
as soon as possible," 

The dear girl's face was now suffused with a deep 
blush, which made her look more lovely still, and 
throwing her arms around her father's neck, she 
said, — 

" I fear, dear father, that it must be love. I feel 
so interested in this 'Cable Theory' with its ' Odic 
or Magnetic Influence !' Indeed, I blush to own it; 
but you have ever taught me to tell you all my 
heart, and I must avow that, whether I will or no, 
Erasmus Pinto's image and his name seem ever in 
my thoughts. I surely have lost something— I sup- 
pose it is my heart That independent spirit you so 
wondered at in me is gone ; I am but half myself. 
But spare my feelings, dear papa, for surely I have 
said enough." 

She spoke no more, but glided from the room, and 
I was left, the first " Selected Object " of my sex, 
still sitting on a chair, with feelings indescribable. 
Yes, I, Erasmus Pinto, with but an eighth, at most, 
of love's required fractions to bestow, had won the 
seven-eighths or more this lovely creature had to give. 
Yes, she who had refused all offers, good ones though 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 133 

they were, had chosen me, a broker's confidential 
clerk until to-day, and full of wily City tricks to-day, 
and every day. Will sceptics now laugh down this 
" Odic Influence," "Air Cables 1 ' with " Magnetic 
Currents" bearing messages of nascent love from 
brain to brain ? Apply, before it is too late, for 
shares in my great Company, ye would-be Benedicts, 
and you, ye ladies, who would know the joys of 
sacrificing self to some unworthy swain, who has, 
like me, that eighth, or may be that sixteenth or 
thirty-second which your own abundant stores of 
love are seeking for in drawing-rooms and balls, a 
sickly atmosphere of artifice and sham, in which love's 
telegraphic cables are but seldom laid, unless it be to 
break— apply at once, I say. 

Now if, Grammaticus, the blister has done good, 
and you are now yourself again, just notice this. 
Surely woman loves to place her love, and man more 
to be loved. 

You see how Clara Seesaw, after waiting long, 
though richly gifted with the qualities love needs, 
found her affinity in me. And when she found.it, 
how she naively owned that all her heart was gone, 
that " Pinto " was the name blent with each thought. 
Her love was placed, and she was satisfied. 

But I, — observe, Grammaticus, — though much in 
love myself, and though I had just gained this lovely 
creature's heart, had feelings of two kinds. 

It seemed as if I had picked up a priceless jewel 
which was mine to keep and guard, and that I was 
delighted at my luck, and vowed I'd guard it well. 
But then another thought entwined itself with that. 
Oh ! what a triumph for the " Odic Influence ! " I 
see my Company a grand success, and married bliss, 



134 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

increased a hundred-fold, arrayed against the Evil 
One. 

You see I had two loves, my Clara and my theory ; 
and love's intoxication had not narcotized my senses 
as it does a woman's when her love is placed. 

Most men, Grammaticus, feel this divided love, and 
seek more to be loved than love. How much more 
happy ought a woman's love to be than ours, if it 
thus surrenders head with heart, and loses self in 
faith. Why, I declare the learned critic is asleep ! 

" I think," said Mr. Seesaw, " Pinto, you must 
excuse my girl to-night. Her symptoms are all 
favorable for your happiness, but she is naturally 
somewhat overcome. Her mother, I remember, was 
the same, though /was pretty calm, for /loved both 
her guineas and herself. 

" In giving you my daughter, I consider that I 
amply repay the service you have done me, though 
it is so great. You are now a full partner in the firm 
of Seesaw, Turnabout, and Pinto, Clara will have ten 
thousand pounds of her mother's fortune, our Com- 
pany, I feel convinced, will be a great success, and of 
course, though no promotion money will be paid, there 
will be pickings for a clever and experienced man. 

" I don't see that you will be robbing any one of 
their fair share of the second great requisite of human 
nature, as you call love, if you both get married at 
once. You need not have a separate establishment, 
but live with me until you both are tired. Would 
you like the money settled on your wife or not? " 

" Oh ! tie it fast, dear sir, by all means," I replied. 
"If I bad marriageable daughters and I could give 
them anything, it should be tied up fast enough. A 
woman ought to have no voice in this, for when she 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 135 

really loves a man she gladly gives him all she has, 
and thinks he cannot fail, whatever others do. That 
specious plea of sons-in-law, ' I want it for my busi- 
ness,' has brought misery to very many homes. And 
yet I think I should not mind a steady son-in-law in- 
vesting it in a good butcher's shop or corner public- 
house, or even a pawnbroker's West End place. Oh ! 
yes, these businesses are sound enough. The people 
must have meat to live, they will have beer and gin 
to narcotize their sorrows with, and they must often 
pledge their goods to buy the meat and drink/' 

" Yes, Pinto, that is true enough, and I often think 
that, as the world will have its beer and gin, it 
ought to have it sound and good. 

"We brokers do some harm, no doubt; but the 
great capitalist who speculates and sets insidious 
traps does many times as much. 

" The man who keeps a gin-palace or a beershop 
does some harm ; but wholesale brewers who supply 
their chemical concoctions do much more. But 
that's no reason why one man no better than the rest 
should write a fierce Philippic against brokers, brew- 
ers, and those who keep a public-house. Let parlia- 
ment reform the system, and the men will soon reform 
themselves. The great aim of parliament should be to 
equalise as far as can be done the temptations to do 
wrong that each class is subjected to. 

" I am glad you prefer that Clara's money should 
be settled on her, for the greatest prudence cannot 
always guard against reverse. I should be glad if 
you would make your own arrangements for the wed- 
ding as soon as possible. I will engage that we shall 
be ready on our side. I think my health is giving 



136 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

way. I cannot see through < Outside Fools ' as clearly 
as I used to do." 

" You want a little change, dear sir," said I. " Let 
the wedding-day be fixed as soon as ever your 
daughter will allow." 

After three weeks of delightful correspondence by 
" Magnetic Telegram," and interviews at least once 
every day, we both were wed. 

The wedding, like most others, was a trifle dull, 
and just a little trying to the principals. 

The Honorable Walter Loftus condescended to 
become " best man ; " the bridesmaids were, a sister of 
that little hundred weight of blonde humanity nSe 
" Baby Clarke," the Misses Lewin Seesaw, of Wheal 
Ivy Lodge, at Thiddlethorpe. in Lincolnshire, and 
Salome Pinto, my maiden aunt, the poetess, unknown 
to fame, who, ever young in heart, though fifty years 
of age, determined she would be a bridesmaid, if she 
never was a bride, whatever Mrs. Grundy thought. 

The Eeverend Silvertongue Eichwife read the ser- 
vice most impressively ; but his superior accent made 
the Misses Seesaw smile, and vastly gratified the 
poetess. 

Words scarcely can describe the sort of thing this 
unique accent was, but if I quote the previous Sun- 
day's text you may derive some faint idea. The text 
was this, " He that hath ears to hear let him hear." 
This, Eichwife, with imposing manner, rendered thus, 
"He that hath yeaws to yeaw, let him yeaw." 

We spent the honeymoon at Paris, where I would 
advise "Selected Couples" all .to go when married, 
and I was so happy that I quite forgot my other love, 
the cable theory. 

And now, dear " Outside Fools " who read this 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 137 

book, jovial or serious, benevolent or bilious, and you 
most learned critic, all take heart, for this is the last 
of the loves of Clara Seesaw and Erasmus Pinto. 



CHAPTEE XXVI. 

ALL ABOUT A FALL, A CORINTHIAN AND A TEA-PARTY. 

We were a happy family, Clara, her father, and I. 
Of course, like other families, we had many small 
drawbacks to contend with in the shape of dozens 
of elaborate circulars from speculative purchasers of 
so-called bankrupt stocks of silks and satins, sen- 
sational post-cards from the anti-vaccinators, tons of 
best Wallsend, that turned out three parts slate, and 
sometimes the discovery of one of those true imps of 
Satan, the cimices of Eome, the Kopeig or Kopivdioi of 
Greece — so says Grammaticus they should be called, 
and he appears to like the subject by his notes ; but 
what have we to do with Eome or Greece ? The 
animal is cosmopolitan, and no doubt sent for useful 
purposes. In good society it is supposed to be un- 
known, and writers shun all mention of the beast. 

I mean, dear " Outside Fools," a bug, which some- 
times is discovered in a servant's attic, sometimes 
snugly wrapped up in the linen from the wash. 
There's no severer test of bland digestion or of 
Christian fortitude than this. There are some people 
whom the creature will not bite, Grammaticus goes 
on to say ; but he opines that moral consciousness is 
lost in them, and so that neither does the Evil One 
nor yet his tiny myrmidons waste time in trying 
those whose conscience is already dead. 



138 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

We had a housemaid, too, who would fall down and 
break the things most terribly. Four times the reck- 
less girl fell down the stairs, and spoilt our fragile 
property worth several pounds. 

The fifth time she, as well as crockery, fell to 
pieces. She was a civil and hard-working girl, was 
Mary Shaw, but being healthy and well-made, and 
having too much matter for her mind, or else more 
heart than head, and being promised marriage, she 
succumbed. 

We had to keep the mother, and a brace of squall- 
ing, healthy brats three weeks, replace our damaged 
ware, and pay the doctor's bill. 

But see how well this world's affairs are ordered 
for the best. The neighborhood was very dull, 
there had not been a single bit of scandal for some 
time. This windfall set the tabbies ' tongues a- wag- 
ging healthily once more. 

"How sad for Mrs. Pinto ! " said Miss Sarah Clut- 
terbuck, with acid smile at Mrs. Deborah Debbidge's 
tea-party, where some dozen Christian ladies were 
assembled to discuss " Revivalism " and any little 
parish scandal, as they drank their tea. 

u I never should feel safe, if I were married, with 
a husband and an artful hussy in the house," rejoined 
Keturah Smug, a lady of uncertain age ; " men are 
so fickle, and so soft, that any clever woman can lead 
them as she will." 

As this Keturah Smug was still a miss, we may 
presume that she was either not a clever woman, or 
had scorned all overtures from such a soft and fickle 
sex as ours. 

" I pity Mr. Pinto more, Miss Smug," said Miss 
Priscilla Wilks. "Just think what might be said, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 139 

And poor old Mr. Seesaw, the churchwarden, too, 
and so respectable. Poor man, no pleasant task for 
him to hold the plate on Sunday next. The world is 
so uncharitable now. But I think women often have 
themselves to blame. I always did think Clara See- 
saw was an oddity before she married, and I should 
not wonder if the Pintos lead a most unhappy life." 

Priscilla Wilks was still upon the sunny side of 
forty, still had hopes, and so she felt no love for 
married women, who, perhaps, had robbed her of a 
share of human nature's second great necessity, nor 
did she yet think badly of our sex. 

" What nonsense you are talking," said Mrs. Sana 
Mens, who had a husband who was neither soft nor 
fickle, and a healthy family, and therefore kept her 
common sense and just a little charity. " The girl 
has only been six months in Mr. Pinto's house, and 
is engaged to Bumblecheek, the turncock's son. I've 
often seen them walking out on Sunday afternoon." 

This was a healthy check to slander's busy tongue, 
and after Mrs. Debbidge had related sundry prodigies 
of early and successful birth, which Mrs. Sana Mens, 
whose husband was a doctor, showed to be impossi- 
ble, the subject was reluctantly allowed to drop, and 
theatres and the Revivalists were next discussed. 

Said Sarah Ciutterbuck to Mrs. Debbidge, — 

" You don't approve of theatres, do you, dear? " 

" Indeed, I don't; I think them Satan's most in- 
sidious traps." 

" And so do I," said Miss Keturah Smug. 

"I rather like a screaming farce," said Miss Pris- 
cilla Wilks. 

"Tragedy is dying out," said Mrs. Sana Mens, 
" and with good reason. There is quite enough in 



140 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

real life. If you go to a theatre for tragedy, and find 
the acting bad, as it is almost sure to be, you're bored 
and dull, while, if it should be good, it works upon 
one's feelings so that one is often worse instead of 
better for the play. My husband always says, and 
he knows more than all the men besides, that if his 
patients went to see a comic piece or pantomime more 
often than they do, he should not have so many ner- 
vous people on his hands." 

" But what about Eevivalism ? " 

" I think it is divine," said Sarah Clutterbuck. 

"It's too sensational for me," said Mrs. Debbidge ; 
" I often feel quite ill when I come home." 

"I think the singing lovely," said Keturah Smug; 
" it steals upon and soothes the senses so." 

" I like the Eitualistic service better," said Priscilla 
Wilks; " there is so much to interest; the chasuble, 
the alb, the stole, the acolytes, and all their nice 
accessories conspire to make one feel emotional, 
whereas your tunes that steal upon the senses make 
me think more of the Christy Minstrels than the 
hymn's good words." 

" If you had heard the playful way in which 
the Bartimseus episode was rendered, while the 
audience worshipped little, and laughed more, you 
would have felt emotional," said Mrs. Sana Mens. 
" I don't believe in these emotions being worked 
upon so much. A young man who was staying in 
our house, and rather out of health, was brought 
home half delirious, declared he was converted all 
at once, and if my husband had not bled him well, I 
don't believe he would have lived. If people must 
be narcotized, this may do less harm than adul- 
terated beer, but surely true religion needs more 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 141 

sober sense, and does not talk so flippantly of sacred 
themes." 

Thus having said, the lady bade the company 
good-night. 

" I hate that Mrs. Sana Mens," said all the three. 
" As for myself, I wonder what she wanted in such 
company." 

" And I believe there's more in that affair at 
Pinto's than she will allow. Her husband is the 
doctor there," said Sarah Clutterbuck. 

" And so do I, and I," rejoined the other two. 

But let us leave these interesting spirits to them- 
selves. 

Perhaps they would have been more happy and 
their neighbors' reputation suffered less if they had 
had more faith in the goodness of humanity. 

Now of all the various kinds of narcotism which 
poor human nature is addicted to, I believe that 
this faith in the goodness of human nature is pro- 
ductive of the most happiness. 

So thought Salome Pinto, the poetess of our family, 
unknown to fame, who had a dream once and thought 
she saw a virgin, to quote her own word, "With 
serious beauty dower'd, clad in robes of white," who 
solved many doubts that perplexed her mind, and 
added to her happiness. 

I dare say some of you, dear " Outside Fools," are 
sad through want of faith. 

Here is part of what this virgin is supposed to 
have said, — 

" 'Ev'n those who have thought out life's problem, and 
Have found some rest in knowing that they may 
Not learn aught more on this side of the grave, 
Still feel an aching void, that intellect 



142 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Botli loathes and trembles at for lack of sight. 
The key to happiness in life is " faith." 
Faith in the wrong, if honest, is not wrong, 
But want of faith in all is worse than death.' 
No more she said, but upwards wing'd her flight, 
And left me with an undevelop'd sense 
Of some great truth, half-dreaming, half-awake." 

However this may be, my Clara had full faith in 
me, and therefore slander's busy tongue completely 
failed to mar our happiness. 

We got poor Mary Shaw and her two healthy babes 
a passage to New Zealand, where an honest man who 
had the food and wanted love soon married her in 
spite of her mistake. 

You see a sheep in that young land costs three half- 
crowns, instead of three pounds ten ; and therefore 
population is a want and not an ill. Give up your 
cimices, Grammaticus, and help to crack this nut. 



CHAPTEE XXYII. 

ALL ABOUT A COOK, A BATH, AND THE CONSEQUENCES, 

Now when happiness so great as ours is enjoyed by 
mortals, it is ordained that some stroke of adverse 
fortune should occur to remind us that we are 
placed here, not only to enjoy, but to learn enough 
to fit us for another world. In our case a cook was 
selected by Providence to give us this reminder. 

She was a good cook, and not a bad-looking, but an 
idle and a wasteful. 

Nathaniel Seesaw was no niggard in his house- 
keeping, but if there was one thing he detested it 
was waste. Now in this land of fog and changeful 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 143 

weather, we most of us find it necessary to have a 
grievance, if only to keep the less tractable secretions 
in order, and to establish our claim to that sympathy 
which all expect, but few succeed in getting, because 
scarcely any one thinks of giving it first. 

My father-in-law's grievance was, that this good 
cook, who was not bad-looking, and who kept up her 
spirits and complexion by the liberal use of a private 
whisky bottle, supplied from her master's stores, 
would persist in cutting bread in a most reckless and 
unscientific manner. The worthy man even gave up 
his toast, of which he was fond, in the hope of induc- 
ing this cook to be less wasteful. He gave up his 
toast in vain. 

One day, when the weather was peculiarly trying 
to the nerves and stomach, the Evil One arranged 
that more crusts and odd-shaped pieces of bread 
should be discovered in the pantry than ever before. 

My father-in-law, who was not in good health, 
blew up his cook in terms more plain and expressive 
than those which in soberer moments and better 
health any vicar's .churchwarden, or, indeed, any 
Christian gentleman, would have used, and ended by 
telling the baggage that she must quit his service or 
mend her ways. 

The good cook said nothing, but went on with her 
work and her whisky in sullen silence. 

One of my father-in-law's habits was to take a hot 
bath on a Saturday before dinner, in which he would 
read his evening paper and spend at least one hour. 
On the Saturday succeeding this row with his cook 
he went to take his bath as usual. 

The bath was like all other baths, except that it 
was heated by a large gas stove, which after a certain 



144 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

heat was attained, required to be turned partly off to 
prevent the water from becoming too hot, and that it 
had a heavy mahogany lid, which swung upwards on 
hinges, and was only prevented from falling by two 
catches which held it against the thin wall that 
separated the bath-room from the passage on the 
landing. 

Now this good cook, who was also not bad-looking, 
having an analytical mind, a body excited by whisky 
and a soul full of revenge, had perceived that the 
catches which held the lid of the bath in its place were 
much worn. 

So with that cunning which is not seldom found 
in the kitchen she carefully oiled these catches and 
then deftly balanced the edge of the lid on the 
middle of the tongues, so that a slight concussion 
on the wall would be sure to send it down upon the 
bath. 

The vicar's churchwarden was soon after this seated 
safely in his bath, was placidly reading his paper, 
and noting with satisfaction that the stocks which 
he himself had sold to two clients in the morning 
were steadily declining, while the water, which was 
now almost hot enough to require the gas turning 
off, was preparing his cuticle for the flesh-brush 
and strigil, when the good-looking but evil-hearted 
cook, having first nerved herself with an extra dram 
of chemically-compounded whisky, stole up the stairs, 
and along the passage, and lurching suddenly against 
the wall just opposite the catches, sent down the 
heavy lid with a bang, and shut her master in a trap, 
as deadly as Agamemnon's proved to be, although 
Grammaticus affirms that his was never shut in at 
the top, and that hot water baths in early times were 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 145 

thought effeminate, and that the water was heated in 
a succession of caldrons on the other side of the bath- 
room wall instead of in the room. After executing 
this devilish manoeuvre the cook went down below, 
cut up more loaves, and drank more drams. 

There was no murder in her heart ; she thought 
her master would be flurried much, and frightened 
not a little too, but nothing worse. 

Alas ! it was not so, the sudden shock brought on 
an apoplectic fit, for which the system was prepared 
no doubt before ; and when, some half-hour afterwards, 
as no answer was returned to the repeated knocking, 
the door was broken open, and the lid raised up, 
Nathaniel Seesaw was discovered simmering, but quite 
unconscious of his state. 

On my return from business in a happy frame of 
mind, having just opened correspondence with a fresh 
country client, whom I could charge a half commission 
instead of an eighth, who was a gentleman of landed 
property and no experience in city spiders' webs, I 
found my father-in-law no more, my wife quite 
stunned and helpless through her grief, the good cook 
drunk and in hysterics, the kitchen chimney all on 
fire, and the fire-engine just arrived. Oh ! what a 
field for heroism was here. What would a Stoic have 
thought or said ? 

But there are times when the feelings of the human 
heart are too sacred to be written about, and this is 
one. This chapter might teach us how much we lose 
by giving way to temper, how dangerous it is to 
gratify a feeling of revenge, and how careful brewers 
and distillers ought to be not to mix the Cocculus 
Indicus with what they sell to good and not bad-look- 
ing cooks. 

G 



146 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

CHAPTER XXYIII. 

% A DISCOVERY. 

As John Turnabout was now a gouty invalid, and 
Nathaniel Seesaw dead, I was virtually the sole act- 
ing partifer in the firm. Besides the money settled 
on my wife, my father-in-law had left a balance of 
seven thousand pounds, most of which was of course 
due to my lucky rescue of the Honorable Walter 
Loftus from the hole in the ice, in return for which 
he gave me the information about Egyptian Stock. 
But for this, Nathaniel Seesaw would have died in- 
solvent. 

One day, as I was looking over some of his 
papers, I lighted on a bundle of manuscript which 
on examination, proved to be an account of the 
dealings of some of his last clients ; a note was 
appended to the effect that he wished the matter 
to be printed in case it had not been before his death. 
As a history of these dealings will doubtless be more 
instructive than anything that I can write, I will 
simply make a copy of the manuscript for your ben- 
efit, dear " Outside Fools.'' 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 147 



CHAPTEE XXIX. 

QUALMS OF CONSCIENCE FELT BY THE LATE NATHAN- 
IEL SEESAW, ESQ., ABOUT HIS BUSINESS AS A 
BROKER. 

Can it be right for me to keep on helping hundreds 
on their downward road to beggary, now that I know 
so well they must lose all in time ? 

But is it worse to be a broker than to be a barris- 
ter ? Of course the lawyer's business is as full of 
roguery as mine, and that is why we always charge 
them half commission and give half on business that 
they bring. But the business of the barrister is 
thought respectable enough, and yet he often must 
needs try to prove the guilty innocent, by specious 
rhetoric, and, sometimes worse, to show that inno- 
cence is guilt. 

I often wonder why a jury and a judge are not 
sufficient to find out the truth. 

The butcher and the farmer should be honest men 
enough ; their business does not tempt them to be 
otherwise ; the baker and the brewer might do a great 
deal of good if they would sell good bread and beer. 

I wonder whether I do much more harm than many 
lawyers, clergymen, and doctors do ? 

It seems as if they had their " Outside Fools" to 
work upon, and I had mine. 

These questions are too deep for me, but really I 
believe an honest thinker with literary power might 
show that brokers are no worse than other men. 

" The means to do ill deeds makes deeds ill done," 
says somebody, I don't know who, but he was not a 
fool. 



148 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

We deal so with the " root of evil " that it would be 
wonderful if we were better than we are. 

These questions all perplex me, but one thing I 
know, that I would gladly give up trading on the 
ignorant credulity of others, and feeling nothing 
better than a legalized thief. It is true, I do not 
make the clients speculate, indeed, their wish to do 
so creates my class. 

But at what odds to them all this is done ! Why 
need the dice be loaded so ? 

Just as the judge and jury could find out the truth 
without the aid of legal quirk or specious rhetoric, so 
could A buy of B or sell to him without the jobber's 
and the broker's aid combined. One class would be 
enough. 

But how is this to be effected? By the aid of 
parliament ? There's not much chance of that, I 
think. 

I have too many Members on my books. 'Twould 
spoil their paying little game. You see in foreign 
things they sometimes hold good cards. How must 
it, then, be brought about? Not by the ribald 
assaults of defeated gamblers on our class. This does 
more harm than good. 

The only way is for a man who knows the system 
to inform the public so that they may know the risks 
they run. But is this I, Nathaniel Seesaw, who say 
this? I, whose laugh at ruined " Outside Fools" 
would sound like crack of pistol shot before my health 
gave way ? I, whose gaze, inscrutable and cold, could 
multiply the Sunday offerings. I, whom Marry well 
so loved, because, as once he aptly said, " Seesaw, 
we're very much alike, we both have ' Outside Pools ' 
to deal with, and we both take much more than we 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 149 

give. In fact, I tell you honestly," said he, " I think 
that any man who reads his Bible carefully, and tries 
to do just what it says, will gain more good than from 
a hundred sermons such as mine, and they are better 
than the average. You see we dare not try to 
explain the difficult and controverted passages for 
fear of giving offence to our superiors. And if we 
would explain, I do not think that many of us 
could." -Yes, Marrywell liked me. What would he 
think at my thus turning traitor ? What indeed ! 
When 1 drank beer and generous '63 I never felt 
like this ; my business seemed quite honorable then. 
But ever since I've taken fifteen grains of potash 
twice a day, and knocked off beer and wine, an 
" Outside Fool " seems more respectable than I, and 
my ill-gotten gains seem to weigh down my soul. 
It's very strange. I could prove all I thought then 
right by argument. And now, when I think just 
the opposite, I can prove still that I am right. 
Potash is matter, is it not? How horrible to think 
so little matter can affect the mind so much. Well, 
so it is, and to relieve my mind I must tell " Outside 
Fools," for whom I used to feel contempt alone, what 
makes them lose their money so. Oh, those Egyp- 
tians !* I could tear my hair from off my head. 
Had I not bought at that high price, when the Levan- 
tine usurers and Israelitish touts arranged to force 
the football up, that game I had so often helped to 
play, I had been free by now. I give largely to 
charities, no doubt, but the money is not really mine, 
nor is the motive right. It is but slavish fear and 



* This was written before the rise in Egyptian Stocks had 
taken place that saved Mr. Seesaw. — Erasmus Pinto. 



150 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

want of health. Nay, am I not a living lie, when at 
the church I hold the plate, and blandly beam on 
those who give gold pieces, while I look severely 
cold on those who offer threepences. And yet those 
threepennies were earned more honestly than any 
sovereign I have dropped into the plate. 

" Well, well, a broker's business may be bad, but 
is not that of our great Chancellor of the Exchequer 
that is to be, still worse — that arch-promoter who 
pays forty, thirty, anything you like per cent, in 
dividends for three or four half years, then not a 
cent. — who hired the venal scribes to puff his deep- 
laid schemes, the hollowness of which lay hid behind 
that stalking horse of most financial acrobats, " Indus- 
trial Enterprise f " 

Is not our business quite as good as that of those 
who lend their names to float the foreign loans of 
countries which are in a state of semi-bankruptcy, 
and which will fail to pay as soon as they can gel no 
further loans ? It certainly does much less harm. 
They catch the real investor, we but clear the weaker 
speculators out. 



CHAPTEE XXX. 

THE LATE MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW'S POSTHUMOUS 
VIEWS ON THE CAUSES OF SPECULATION. 

It seems to me that personal vanity and that spice 
of conceit that is inherent in us all, which can only 
be lessened by education or suffering, makes men 
still keep betting on the turf although they know the 
u talent " nearly always win, and though they see 
their friends being ruined all around. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 151 

This same conceit and vanity makes speculators 
still play on the losing game, although they daily see 
other speculators lose all they have and know the 
odds to be so great. 

Those who do not speculate, and they are daily 
becoming fewer, profess to wonder at this trait in 
human character, and often plume themselves on 
being free from such insanity. They are insane 
perhaps on other points as bad, or worse. Just as, 
when their friends or relatives are ill, instead of 
recognizing that it is the weakness common to 
humanity, and showing real concern and pity for 
the sick, some persons blame the sufferers as though 
they were the cause of their own suffering, and, as it 
were, feel a sort of secret superiority derived from 
others' misery: just as "each man thinks all are 
mortal but himself," and though it be unacknow- 
ledged in so many words, considers others to be 
rather foolish to be ill or die, instead of fearing 
lest the common lot should overtake him next; 
so with the " Outside Fools," each fool thinks all 
are fools except himself, and when a speculating 
friend is ruined, instead of feeling fear and learning 
wisdom from the case, he feels a slight contempt 
and often says he to himself, " Aha I why was he 
not like me." And then with some elation, he will 
say, " Yes, I shall be the one, perhaps the only one, 
to show men how to play the interesting game 
successfully." How sweet a thought . to human 
vanity. 

As all the world delights to live in bigger houses 
than it ought to live, to spend more money than it 
ought to spend, to boast itself to be a greater and a 
richer world than it is really, and, although it knows 



152 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

it is a lie, yet likes to act the lie, so, too, with specu- 
lative fools 'tis very sweet for one who has a hundred 
pounds to deal as though he had a thousand, for one 
who has a thousand to speculate with men who have 
from five to twenty thousand at command, to mix and 
talk with bigger men, enunciate his views to other 
gaping fools, to fancy he is wise, and that ere long he 
will be rich. Oh, yes, 'tis very sweet, and very 
human, very vain. 

Another cause of speculation lies in this. A 
wide-spread wish to get rich suddenly, to find 
the means for increased luxury. " De'il take the 
hindmost," is the cry now in the race for gold. Bach 
wants to show his neighbor how he's getting on. 
This breeds a general dislike to do the steady work 
of life. A man who is content to live on four or five 
per cent, is thought a dullard now, when all the world 
is asked to " co-operate," and tradesmen offer to re- 
turn the money back one pays in bills, if one will 
only give them time. This " gospel of getting on " 
is a fine thing for financiers, for, singular to say, we 
always hear of those who have got on, but not a word 
is said of those who have succumbed in their pursuit 
for gold. One cannot startle others with a dazzling 
and a swift success, unless one runs some fearful risks. 
But then one does not suffer bankruptcy. 

Another more insidious cause of speculation is this. 
The implicit trust that five out of six speculators 
place in the newspapers' remarks and articles on 
stocks and shares. The writing is so plausible, there 
is so much apparent truth, so much that needs a 
special knowledge of the subject to fairly estimate 
the views on it, that when some stock is made the 
centre of attraction by a powerful financial clique, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 153 

and telegrams appear which none but those behind 
the scenes can contradict or verify, and when those 
telegrams are aided by suggestive hints thrown out 
in money articles, the " Outside Fool," who hears 
his brother fools talk loud in praise of this particular 
stock, or, cry it down according to their paper's tone, 
must surely be experienced or blessed with strong 
views of his own and keen perception to prevent his 
being taken in. 

The better-educated " Outside Fools," if gentle- 
men and optimists, have not the slightest chance of 
seeing through the snare. 

A few learn how to estimate the value of these 
articles by noting how we brokers cannot help a 
sneer or laugh when clients draw attention to some 
flaming puff of stocks they wish to bull, or fierce 
attack on what they feel inclined to bear. But these 
few have perception, watch the kind of men they deal 
with, take notes quietly, and add up the result. Per- 
ception and an insight into human nature is the 
speculator's requisite, not so much logic and deep 
reading of the so-called merits of each stock. 

That sort of instinctive power to diagnose a market 
well that only few possess is worth far more than 
reason is on 'Change. 

Then, lastly, there is that cause which Pinto men- 
tioned when examined for the vacant post of con- 
fidential clerk. I mean that need for strong excite- 
ment in this land of liver and of spleen. I am not 
dealing with effects but causes now, and I declare 
from my own large experience that till they had lost 
heavily, my clients all seemed better for the stimulus 
that speculation gave. Let doctors give their explan- 



154 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

ation of the fact. I only can suggest what I have 
said. 

And let a doctor tell me how it is that I, Nath- 
aniel Seesaw, who have cheated " Outside Fools " 
remorselessly and liked the game, am sitting here 
and trying to prevent a future crop of fQols from 
losing all. Oh ! this curious thing called mind. I 
soon should hug myself with the idea that it was pure 
philanthropy that prompted me to write for them. 

I am afraid it is ill health and fear. Had I not 
made enough to live upon I never should have thought 
of doing this perhaps, and now I try to stop the 
swollen profits of my brothers in the trade. Well, 
Providence rules all, and if I but forget myself, I 
may do some good yet. The above are, in my humble 
opinion, the real causes of this wide-spread specula- 
tion, from which no class or creed is free. I have 
not seen these causes given yet in print, but this 
should not be wondered at. 

Suppose, dear " Outside Fools," you could make 
money out of your own broker by a secret and 
elaborate machinery, the working of which he did 
not understand, would you explain to him what 
" wheel within wheel " meant, aud show him how to 
read between the lines ? No indeed. 

If " Outside Fools" were brokers, they would do 
as brokers do. When I read virulent abuse of us, I 
always doubt the writer's honesty. It is so easy and 
so pleasant to find fault with men. It seems to place 
the one who finds the fault upon a vantage ground, 
from which he looks down with complacency on those 
he blames. But surely this is not the way to teach 
mankind. 

I may be wrong, but still I cannot think that there 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 155 

is all that difference between the moral excellence of 
men. One man may far transcend another in his 
usefulness of life, in dazzling genius, in science or in 
art, but seldom, I conceive, is there this difference in 
moral excellence. The very habits and the example 
of a man may be much better for his fellow-creatures 
to admire, and they may place him on a pedestal, 
and not be harmed themselves by doing so, although 
his virtues may exist in their ideas alone. But ask 
the man what he thinks of himself, and you should 
find his estimate of self is low according to his know- 
ledge of humanity. I don't mean modesty that 
springs from want of blood, but modesty that's based 
on sober knowledge of the world we live in, and the 
life we live. Perhaps I am all wrong in this, I have 
no learning to direct me right, but what I write I 
feel. And what is more, I know that many brokers 
hold the same idea as I. 

I wonder if the motive of these authors is so very 
pure and good ? Perhaps it is profane for an unlet- 
tered business-man like me to say a word about such 
men who have the power, or think they have, to teach 
their fellow-creatures truth. 

If they write books for any other purpose, such as 
to try and make a stir about themselves, to gain the 
public notice, or to gain the "root of evil," they are, 
to my mind, as bad as we ; they often sell a spurious 
coin to " Outside Eeading Pools " and take the 
genuine "root of evil" in exchange. We give the 
" Outside Speculating Fools " short weight. Pray, is 
the difference so very great. We are called names 
for recommending rubbish to our clients who can't 
tell the difference between the true and false. They 
sell their wondrous wares to a public who, knowing 



156 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

little more of the real merits of a book than specula- 
tors do of stocks, takes readily whatever views the 
publishers' retainers like to promulgate according to 
their crotchets or their whim. 

My business, doubtless, makes me practical, but I 
can't see that men who like to attitudinize in print 
and freely to assail all classes but their own are any 
better than the class they blame, nor do I think the 
writings of such men do lasting good. 

Assail the system, not the men, ye scribbling " Out- 
side Fools." But if I go on prosing thus, I might as 
well write Richwife's sermon for next week. 

But can I be Nathaniel Seesaw, and write this? 
Yes, so it is, and now I know the meaning of those 
words, " Truth is stranger than fiction." 

Why, ever since that Sana Mens knocked off my 
beer and pint of port, and made me take that potash 
stuff, I have appeared to see more clearly with each 
dose how black a business mine has been. And, odd- 
ly, instead of seeming to be a blacker character myself 
with every dose, I seem to find some consolation and 
excuse in thinking how many other men are quite as 
bad, and in imagining that, were the system much 
improved, I should become a better man in the peo- 
ple's thoughts although I might be just the same. 

There is one great defect in our system, beautiful 
and elaborate as it is. It encourages time-bargains 
on a large scale, offers every inducement to the client 
to go beyond his depth, but discourages small deal- 
ings and heavily handicaps the small speculative 
investor who is honest and does not wish to speculate 
beyond his means. 

We dare not refuse point blank to deal for these 
clients, because they might say, " Your system is a 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 157 

direct encouragement to dishonesty," and 'pon my 
life they would not be far wrong; but we laugh at 
them, charge them double commission, deal at a 
much wider price, and put. them off with various 
excuses. Oh, yes, when we are well we hate these 
sort of " Outside Fools," and even jobbers laugh and 
jeer at brokers who come bothering with nasty little 
bond fide orders for one or two hundred pounds' worth 
of Foreign Stocks or Eails, and even dealing in five 
hundreds we set our faces dead against, because we 
know that it takes us twice as long to clear our clients 
out. How often I have said to these, — 

" My dear sir, deal in thousands, and I'll charge 
you less commission; it does make so much trouble 
and the dealers always give worse prices for these 
bits of stocks." 

But I shall have that Sana Mens down on me if I 
don't take my medicine, so I'll rest a little while and 
take my fifteen grains. I'm sure if he keeps on with 
this another week, I shall be able to leap outside of 
myself and take a good and critical look, like one who 
gazes at a picture on the wall, or at his fellow-crea- 
tures ' faults. This doubless is the way to " know thy- 
self." I'll give that Sana Mens an extra guinea 
when he comes again. 



CHAPTEK XXXI. 

ON " BEARING" AND " BULLING. " 

A first-rate doctor is that Sana Mens. I feel 
myself again. He has allowed me just a pint of 
Burgundy and a glass of whisky once a day. The 



158 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

change is wonderful. I think I frightened him a bit 
when I said this, — 

Cl How is it, doctor, that one sees the truth about 
oneself more clearly when one's living low? It's 
marvellous how much your fifteen grains of potash 
for the last eight days has taught me." 

I do believe that Sana Mens thought I was learning 
truth too fast, and so he said, — 

" A little nervous exaltation, my dear sir; it comes 
from weakness ; why, you have no pulse." 

I did feel low, and though rather interested in 
my curious change of sentiments, I was not sorry 
to be allowed a little stimulant. You see, I never 
had a headache in my life before, so being ill was 
very strange. 

And now I am again the Seesaw of old times. My 
waist expands, the broker's business seems all right, 
and I know nothing — of myself. 

The crossing-sweeper bows his lowest bow, although 
when I was on the potash regime I told him never to 
bow more to me, for men were equal, and I should 
forget to tip him if he did. The rascal knew me 
better than myself. Equal, indeed! No sixpence 
would the man have got from me if he had not done 
what I told him not to do. 

We had a very quiet day on 'Change. " No busi- 
ness" was the cry inside and outside too. It was a 
case of " dog eat dog," for we inside think we are 
each the keenest man, and if the public will not let 
us eat them up, we try to eat each other up. 

Just take a look inside with me and never mind 
the Cerberus ; he growls, but I will stop his mouth 
with half-a-crown. See there. All playing ! So 
it often is. Do you hear that chorus yonder in the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 159 

Kailway market ? Oh ! we have our wags and poets, 
too, inside. Just hark ! 

Oh ! would they like to buy cheap Caley, 
With A and B to shilly-shally?— 
Leeroy, Leery ! 

Oh ! yes, we all should like cheap Caley, 
Call up your forces, big bears rally, — 
Leeroy, Leery I 

Tip Muffin what to write to-morrow, — 
Make bulls pay stiff con : to their sorrow, — 
Leeroy, Leery ! 

The fruit is ripe, come shake the tree, 

Drive down the stock to thirty-three, — 

Leeroy, Leery ! 

The div's all right, now then we buy : 
That A and B is all my eye, — 
Leeroy, Leery ! 

Now I think you had better retire, for the wags 
have done singing, and they can see by your in- 
terested gaze that you are a novice, and therefore 
they are quite ready to cry, " Fourteen hundred," 
and smash your Lincoln and Bennett over your eyes, 
and plant fish-hooks deftly in your coat-tail pockets. 
Hark once more. That's Dick Whiffles, who's a bull 
of Peru, which keeps going down more every day. 
He remembers the songs of his boyhood and applies 
them to his bull, — 

Twinkle, twinkle, little stocks, 
I must put you in the box. 

It was my new client, Sir Bemmidge Bracebrook, 
whom I took inside, for he was dying to get a 
glimpse, and as the saints were most of them at 



160 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

lunch, I managed it, though not without some risk 
and ribaldry. Sir Bemmidge was rather an odd 
specimen of an " Outside Fool." He always said 
that he expected to lose ; but he did not care so long 
as he learnt something for his loss. So I fell in with 
his humor, and doled out little bits of information 
at a high price, as I have heard that those who aped 
Socrates used to dole out to their pupils. 

After leaving the house we went over to Birch's 
and had some turtle soup and cold punch, which, in 
spite of Sana Mens' prohibition, seemed to do one 
good. 

On arriving at the office, I found Monsieur Emile 
Boulanger, of the Baltic, waiting for me, to arrange 
a movement in the Dover A market. Having received 
my instructions privately to get Dolorous George to 
offer fifty thousand next day, as soon as the rattle 
went at eleven, to offer thirty thousand myself, and 
give for the put of more, so as to break the market, 
and then to buy all that I could get up to one per 
cent, above the price the stock stood at before, I 
introduced Sir Bemmidge to M. Boulanger, and the 
baronet was very soon deep in an argument about 
the relative merits of " bulling " and i( bearing." 

As this is a question which, I have noticed, is often 
discussed by " Outside Fools," I will give the views 
expressed by the gentlemen themselves, and then my 
own on the subject. Bemmidge was a theorist, 
Boulanger an experienced financier, but prejudiced 
in favor of his class. 

" A gentleman who speculates should always be a 
bull," said Monsieur Boulanger. " It is not only 
more respectable, but pays the best. You have all 
the capital of wealthy men to help you if you hold 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 161 

on long enough. I have known many bulls make 
money and retain it too, but all the bears I've known 
have been cleared out in time. I must confess I do 
not like a bear. It may be prejudice, but there are 
many more who have the prejudice. A bear is gener- 
ally a pessimist, and I suspect sometimes is not a 
gentleman." 

" I don't agree with you," said Bracebrook. "We 
most of us are naturally bulls. The constitutional 
bear of course exists, and he, perhaps, as you assert, 
has either no belief in human nature, or his blood is 
poor and thin. It seems to me that speculators lose 
because they follow their ideas and inclinations so, 
instead of acting on some principle. Now ' bearing ' 
is quite contrary to these ideas and inclinations, and 
can only be learnt by speculative thought, and resist- 
ing one's natural bent. Thousands of persons who 
buy scarcely understand the meaning of selling w T hat 
they have not got to sell. As, then, the public are, 
in general, the bulls, the jobbers must be bears, and 
as the public loses and the jobbers gain, it's better to 
bear stocks than bull. Besides, a hitch in politics, a 
warlike speech delivered by some foreign potentate 
or statesman, or leading politician in our govern- 
ment, a serious accident, a shock to credit, falling off 
in traffic, and those many chances of mishap, all help 
the bear." 

"lam not good at argument," said Boulanger; 
"your words sound plausible enough, but all I know 
is that my friends who took to ' bearing ' lost their 
money. Good day. I must be gone." 

"And so must I," said Bracebrook. " Good day." 

Now, my dear " Outside Fools," I'll give you my 

own views on "bulling" and "bearing," and as they 



162 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

are based on real experience, they ought to save you 
money, if they do not make it. 

The truth is, sometimes it is best to bull, at other 
times to bear; but if you will have me give a prefer- 
ence, I choose the bull, because, as Boulanger, who is 
a member of the Haute Finance, and knows what he's 
about, says truly, if you hold on long enough, you 
will have capital come to your aid. But this will not 
be true if you should be a bull of stocks intrinsically 
bad. Your holding on or buying more will only 
bring you to worse grief. 

It is quite true that capital is often found in direct 
antagonism to reason and intrinsic merit, and so often 
aids the bulls by working up the price beyond its 
value. This was done in Emma, is done every day 
in something that is rotten at the core. 

But it is most unsafe to think from this that you 
may bull anything you like. The large capitalist 
will get his information sooner than you will, sell out 
his stock, sail off to other seas, and leave you high 
and dry upon the shore. 

No, you must bull a stock that has intrinsic merit, 
what the Americans call a rock bottom price, and 
still is always fluctuating. Such are English Rails. 
If you bull these and keep some buying power left 
in the event of a heavy fall, you will soon leave the 
bear behind. 

Perhaps you think this easy to do, if you have 
money. You will find it is not so. 

Indian Eailways are good things, are they not ? 
How long ago is it since the papers got up quite a 
scare, so vague, so alarming to investors' minds, that 
a nice panic would have soon occurred if it had not 
suited some to buy their good things back. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 163 

Just so, even in English Kails. You will have 
your "scares," which will be carefully augmented by 
the interested cliques, who partly get them up to 
buy. 

Did you feel comfortable when the " Abolition of 
Second Class" was introduced ? Lombards are sup- 
posed to be good things. How did investors feel 
when that great error in a few odd millions broke 
upon their startled gaze? The cynic says " Investors 
are such fools." And so are those who lose their 
purses in a crowd. Suppose you heard to-morrow 
that the traffic returns were false and swelled by 
tons of private pig iron kept on running up and 
down the line to raise the price, and speculative 
cliques sold quantities of stock, would you, an 
" Outside Pool," keep firm, and, when the air was 
thick with rumor, buy a little more? Not you; 
you'd sell your holding, and buy back when it had 
risen to its former price. So that you would have 
been a bull of a sound stock, not gone beyond your 
depth, and yet lost money by your bull. But still 
the capitalist will always help a bull of a good stock 
if he will only hold on long enough. 

But you will say it must be right to be a bear, 
as rotten stocks are forced up so. It's logical to 
argue so, but it's not practical. 

Suppose you were a bear of Uruguay, at 60. 
The knowing ones behind the scenes, and there 
were such, finding that the public had sold heavy 
bears, would buy up stock, spread rumors that a 
loan was all arranged, that Brazil would take the 
country over, or any other lie, and as the stock is 
small, would soon put ten per cent, upon the price, 
clear out the frightened bears, and then, as they them- 



164 YE OUTSJDE FOOLS. 

selves were bears, let out a little piece of truth, and 
drive it down again. You would have been a bear 
of an unsound stock, not gone beyond your depth, 
and paid something too in backwardation to the bulls. 

But suppose there were no backwardation, but con- 
tango. Well, my bears would only get two-thirds of 
what the jobber gets, even if I did not play my 
tricks, and would have still to pay a half commission 
each account they carried over. This makes all the 
difference. The bull of course pays more than if he 
were a jobber, and the same commission as the bear. 

Suppose there is a tree called Speculation, which 
grows in the poorest and the richest soil alike, and 
bears no fruit but leaves. 

The roots and trunk are capital. 

The larger boughs are great financiers and the 
money articles. 

The jobbers, brokers, directors, secretaries, and 
accountants, are the smaller ones. 

The twigs are the few experienced speculators, 
with but small capital. 

The leaves the " Outside Fools.'* 

The leaves fall off and wither, but return again 
next spring. 

The trunk stands firm upon the " Eoot of Evil " 
placed. 

The storm of panics and false Eumor's breath 
shake off the leaves too oft before their time, and 
sadly bruise the smaller branches and the twigs. 

The trunk grows bigger every year, the roots 
more widely spread. 

The crop of leaves is sometimes large and some- 
times small, but never wholly fails. This year it 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 165 

will be very small, just as on other trees some leaves 
hang longer than the rest. 

What is the upshot then of this ? 

That " bulling " sound stocks is as good as " bear- 
ing" bad, and perhaps a little better, for the wealthy 
buy the good whenever they're depressed. 

What are sound speculative stocks ? The English 
Rails. Buy, say a fourth of what you can afford 
whenever the market is very flat, and when you feel 
the strongest wish to sell. 

If a further drop ensues, buy just another fourth . 
But if another fall should come, buy one more fourth, 
and so on till you have bought all you can pay for. 

The chances are that before you have bought your 
second or third fourth, there will have been a rally 
then you ought to sell and wait to buy again. 

Don't borrow of your bankers with less margin 
than fifty per cent. You will make more by observ- 
ing this precaution and be nearly safe. 

But if you be a pessimist, and think that " all 
tends to deteriorate," why, sell a bear of some bad 
stock. 

What are bad speculative stocks? The Foreign 
Stocks. Bat which ? Ah ! there you almost put me 
in a fix. Let us see. What with Turkey and Peru, 
Spain and Mexico, Honduras and Costa Eica, Para, 
guay and Uruguay, I scarcely know which way to 
turn. 

Some eager " Outside Fool " says, " Uruguay." 

If only a few more thought so, and backed their 
opinion strongly, we should soon have a good rise. 
The stock is much too small to bear. 

" Egyptian," then another cries. 

Nathaniel Seesaw would prefer to give for put and 



166 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

call, and now is looking out for an " Outside Fool M 
to take the money. I may be prejudiced, but nearly 
all good bears seem gone. 

" Russian/' cries an excited " Outside Pool," tri- 
umphantly. 

What ! how about the carrying over day ? And 
how about the coming loan ? Would you, a wretched 
sprat, contend against leviathans ? 

I do not say the stocky is not fifteen per cent, too 
dear, but that is no use alone. 

Well, surely Anglos ? Yes, I think you might sell 
one small bit of Anglos, if you have a friend who has 
a ship at your command, and you can bring yourself 
to foul the rival line; and, further, if you think you're 
strong enough to wait till some other company gets 
fairly started, and the Cable Eing is broken up. Well, 
" bearing " prospects don't look very bright, do they ? 
nor " bulling" either, for a little man. 

Take this to heart, dear " Outside Fools." What- 
ever you elect to do, collectively you cannot win, for 
we must live well, and out of you. Your consolation 
must be this. A few may win, and you may be one 
of those few. If you don't think you may be one of 
those, I do not pity you. You've learnt what few 
learn all their lives, and it should make you more 
content. 

But don't you think these foreign loans a good in- 
vestment for that surplus capital that springs from 
prosperous years ? It would tend to raise the price 
of labor in other countries, and so act indirectly on 
our own. 

In theory I do, but not in practice, when I see such 
countries as Bolivia, which is by no means the poorest 
and the least honest, receiving so small a portion of 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 167 

the loan subscribed ostensibly for her. Well, could 
not the public supply the funds less a commission of 
a half cent to the financier ? 

No respectable financier would lend his name to 
any foreign loan unless he had large pickings from 
the same. This is the power of capital. 

Then try a financier who does not take enough to 
be called respectable. 

The public would not subscribe enough to float 
the loan. 

Now, then, red-hot reformers, what will you do 
next ? 

Let the nation know a little more of these financial 
tricks. 

Well, something may be done, no doubt, by that; 
but education of all kinds is very slowly gained, and 
where each fool thinks he is not a fool, although his 
brother is, you'll have no easy task. 

" Black-hearted traitor ! " are the words I seem to 
hear from brother-brokers in the house. You've 
cheated " Outside Fools " as much as any of us have, 
and more than most, and now you turn against your 
friends when you've enough to live upon. 

My dear old friends, it does seem shabby, I allow, 
but I begin to think with Tyndall, that we're all 
automata. I never thought so till I took that nasty 
potash Sana Mens gave me. Now don't be angry 
with a poor old man who has not long to live, whose 
conscience or whose liver troubles him so much. 
The " Outside Fools" won't learn as quickly as you 
seem to think, and surely men who know the power 
of money as well as you can give some two or three 
poor devils fifty pounds a-piece to show what empty 
stuff old Seesaw wrote, and how it was well known 



168 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

that he was just a little touched. It is an insult to 
suppose you can't do this. 

And really, my dear brothers, you would not quite 
like old England to become a byword of financial 
folly, and the " working man " to raise a cry and pull 
the building down about your ears. You know what 
said the chairman at the meeting of Honduras bond- 
holders in October last, how poor mechanics held 
these worthless I O U's, and how the savings of 
several humble households had been scraped together 
to purchase single bonds. You really must steer 
clear of working men — and clearer still of lions 
shaking dewdrops from their bristling manes. Be 
warned in time. 

Why not form powerful syndicates to place the 
shares in the Great Matrimonial Company which 
Nathaniel Seesaw and Erasmus Pinto are about to 
float? 

Approach, } T e noble barons, acrobatic jugglers of 
finance, we can afford you a good bonus on each 
share ye place, and yet do good to all our share- 
holders. 

Here is the proper outlet for the capital of pros- 
perous years. A sum not far short of the national 
debt is sunk in foreign loans, of which no small 
amount comes from the clergymen, the widows, and 
the spinsters of our " merrie " isle of cant, and trade, 
and fog. And of these many millions, pray, how 
much is sound ? and if it be, how long will it keep 
so? I have not reckoned Prance and the United 
States, nor even Italy and Portugal, Brazil and 
Chili, no, nor yet the Argentine Eepublic, although 
some of these, though good, are very high. No 
wonder that the parsons' sermons are so poor, the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 169 

girls with those Satanic dragon sovereigns sought 
so for. Just think, ye magnates of finance ! Had 
you not wanted huge commissions for your hocus- 
pocus tricks, how many pillars of the church would 
have had minds left free for holy speculative thought 
— not those distracting thoughts of Bs. and Cs., 
Egyptians and Perus. The Evil One must have picked 
out those Moslem Bs. and Cs. with their seductive 
nine per cent, on seventy to eighty pounds, accord- 
ing to the market price, besides the chance of being 
paid at par, to catch the good apostles with. Ah, if 
the bishops saw my books, they'd wonder how it is 
that these good men have such a fancy for the stocks 
of infidels and for your " Wild Cat " mines. I never 
had a bishop as a client yet, but I was told to-day, and 
by a clergyman, that a Colonial bishop had put five 
hundred pounds into Ben Hoax's Co-operating Bank 
to get eighteen per cent, paid monthly. He paid a 
small subscription with a Hoax's cheque, which was 
refused, and that alarmed his reverence, but he was 
just too late. 

Wake up, ye great ones on the bench episcopal. 
Bring all the stores of your ecclesiastical learning 
forth to show your weaker brethren that the person- 
ality of Satan is there seen wherever eight or nine or 
ten per cent, is offered by Mahometans to Christian 
dogs. Eight hundred millions is a noble sum. Sup- 
pose one half alone is lost ! How many women of 
your congregations might have had a husband now 
and been blessed with large families ? Four hundred 
millions ! Four hundred thousand surplus ladies (I 
did not invent the term), might have been happy 
with selected objects of their love, and with a thou- 
sand pounds apiece. Ah, how much married bliss 

H 



170 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

have ye financiers destroyed ! Yes, now I know what 
" root of evil " means. Before I took that medicine 
of Sana Mens, I always in my heart supposed that 
money was the root and source of good, not ill. 
Haste, then, ye magnates of finance, loan-mongers, 
jobbers, bankers, brokers, robbers, runners, touts, and 
guinea-pigs, subscribe for shares, combine, form 
syndicates to spread co-operative married bliss, and 
save your sordid souls. Make haste, I say, the list 
will soon be closed. 

And you, ye greedy " Outside Fools," who bring 
your savings to Co-operating Credit Banks, take 
shares in this association to increase the fund of 
married love. The cables are unerring in their 
choice, and cure so many female ills. You'll have 
a handsome dividend, get all your daughters, sisters, 
cousins, and their friends wed to their true "affini- 
ties," and then you'll feel that happiness which 
springs from having done what's right, and being 
paid for it besides. I'm sure I've felt a better man 
since I have been director of this noble Company. 
Erasmus Pinto surely is no common man. I take 
great pride in him and Clara, for they show the 
cable theory to be correct. They both are practical, 
yet brimful of romance. That Pinto has the rare 
kaleidoscopic sort of mind that never is the same, yet 
makes its changes with some kind of rhythm, and 
keeps its balance well. No wonder Clara loves him 
so. We all like change. Yes, there it is. And then 
my Clara is so very natural, and yet so fond of 
speculative thought that he can always find an inter- 
ested listener in her. If all the " Objects " should 
get on as well as they, the devil won't have half his 
former power. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 171 

To think of making money by a Joint-stock Com- 
pany, and making it for shareholders and self as 
well, and doing good to thousands both in body, 
mind, and purse. I feel elated. But this will not 
do. I shall have Sana Mens here with his fifteen 
grains. The only bargains that I've done to-day 
are these. I bought fifteen Wheal Peevishes for 
two housekeepers and a footman, and sold ten 
Egypts for Sir JBemmidge Bracebrook. He sold 
upon the morning telegrams, and thought none 
knew the news before himself. He's getting on 
quite nicely with his theories. Well, well, he can 
afford to pay, and judging from the airs of the 
kitchen dignities, I should not think they've seen 
much suffering. We will teach them some. A 
broker's office is a little stronger castle than the 
master of a house can hope to have. 

There was a little governess with honest face (her 
father had once been my client), who came into the 
office in the morning, and said, — 

Would I invest six hundred pounds, — for that was 
all she had to live- upon, besides her salary, — in some- 
thing safe, that paid not less than ten per cent. She 
said she heard her father say, " He always got that 
interest." 

u If so, why was he not a richer man," thought I. 
Poor little thing ! I bought her some South-Western 
Eailway that a client had to sell, charged him a half 
per cent, commission, and a jobber's margin of 
another one, and put it down to her at the real 
market price, and charged no brokerage. 

Nathaniel Seesaw, how much changed you are! 
There was a time when you'd have thought that you 
were fit for Hanwell had you acted thus. The girl, 



172 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

I swear, your worships, looked both pale and ill, and 
was not pretty in the least. I'll shut my desk and 
go off home, or I shall have that Sana Mens here with 
his fifteen grains again, and he quite frightens me. I 
seem to see myself so clearly after his prescriptions 
have been taken. It vexes and distresses me to think 
that mind can't govern matter better than it does 
with me. Perhaps I am peculiar. I'll ask him next 
time that he comes. 



CHAPTEB XXXII. 

a doctor's view op the rights of property. 

How well the Company is getting on. The appli- 
cations are fast pouring in ; I had more than two 
thousand letters yesterday from single ladies, amor- 
ous bachelors, and eminent divines, couched in 
approving terms, and some enclosing cheques ; but 
one was full of fierce abuse, penned by a doctor who 
inquired if I meant to rob him of his largest and best 
paying class of patients, the nervous invalids. I gave 
the rest to Clara to amuse her ; this one I will read 
to you, dear " Outside Fools," — 

ToDMORDEN LODGE. 

7, Spinster's Road. 
" Sir — 

" You seem to have a very hazy idea of property. 
Perhaps this need not be wondered at, as you style 
yourself a broker. But I would just remind you that 
if married women, close on sixty years of age, get 
twenty-one days' hard labor, and men get three weeks 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 173 

for stealing turnips valued at threepence, while the 
Home Secretary sees no reason to remit the six 
months' imprisonment to which the man who stole 
ten Hastings cabbages was lately sentenced, surely 
financing charlatans like you will not be allowed to 
rob me of my nervous-patient property, worth many 
thousand turnips, ay, and many times ten thousand 
cabbages. 

" I would have you know that I am at present in 
correspondence with Lord Derby and Mr. Disraeli, 
on this very important infringement of the sacred 
rights of property, and I await their answers with 
impatience. Judging from the damages awarded by 
British juries to impecunious females who are repre- 
sented by their counsel to have lost what they never 
possessed, I feel sanguine that the most substantial 
damages will be awarded me, if indeed it be not a 
case for imprisonment without a fine. 
" I am, sir, 

" Your's faithfully, 

" Tristram Tarbox, M.D., M.C.S." 

" To Nathaniel Seesaw, Esq., Director of the Matri- 
monial Alliance Association (Limited). 

" Jan. 28th, 1876. 

Good lack ! this man of pills and potions has quaint 
notions about property. What does he mean ? Well, 
I daresay these nervous patients are real property. 
Everything is getting so unsettled in this age. 
What with these magnetizing agents that deprive 
one of autonomy, and make us moral slaves, these 
cloudy Automatic Theories that, to a common mind 
like mine, seem to grant indulgences for any 
crime, I shall not know whether I'm a man or 



174 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

a machine, that eats and drinks, and sleeps and " 
wakes, and goes to church and prays, and in the city- 
cheats and swindles just because he cannot help him- 
self. I like that Tyndall, though I've never seen the 
man. But, Allah ! what a talent ! Why, he'll prove that 
wrong is right and right is wrong, if he goes on at such 
a pace. Ah, me ! my Company is nothing to his theo- 
ries. Why, with a dozen particles of dust he can 
make skies. But surely, Mr. Tristram Tar box, your 
ideas of penalties for crimes are wrong. 

" It is a sin to steal a pin" — a heinous sin to steal 
three pennyworth of turnip-property. 

It did not seem so wrong to pluck just one gera- 
nium. But yet the fourteen days were well de- 
served, and the four years of comfortable supervision 
would have very likely done some good. What better 
educated people than myself, with finer sympathies, 
would call a tendency to kleptomania was in the child, 
or else the hue and cry raised by the newspapers, all 
about this pretty injured innocent, have turned its 
automatic kleptomania into thieving of a very common 
kind, and made it steal a new cloth jacket, and, more 
odd, made one of its most staunch supporters take the 
jacket with an automatic readiness which should be 
very interesting to philosophers. No, the Spalding 
magistrates were not so wrong, and harm instead of 
good has sprung from those sensational philippics 
against members of that bench. 

Ye men who write the matter in these " admirable 
daily papers," as John Bright most justly called them 
but the other day, ye should be very careful how ye 
use your power. Ye are the educators of the British 
nation, and when aught is wrong ye should attack 
the system, not the man. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 175 

A magistrate who sentences a man to six months' 
prison work and fare for stealing a few cabbages but 
represents the feelings of the men of property who 
live around. He only executes the law, and often is 
a most kind-hearted man. 

Ye should explain the merits of stipendiary 
magistracy, and not abuse odd persons here and 
there. You would not then hear in the rural districts 
this remark so often, " The papers do more harm 
than good," — "they tell a pack of lies," — " they set 
one class against another so." The latest target is 
the sellers of cock-robins for the ladies' hats. A robin 
is a happy, harmless innocent, that suffers fearfully 
in death. A mackerel or elephant 'tis right enough 
to kill in sport, and no one need regard their sufferings. 
They are not happy, harmless innocents. Women 
are as cruel as they're vain, some cynic says, and 
care no more for a cock-robin's pangs than for a jilted 
suitor's broken heart. Well, I agree with Sana 
Mens, who talks good sense on most things, and not 
least on this. 

He says, "My. dear sir, it's all sentiment, and all 
this sentiment springs from our great luxury. A 
man likes shooting elephants. His vanity is flattered 
to think that he can kill so large a brute. His 
health improves with the strong exercise, and so he 
thinks it right. Just so with the fox-hunter, and 
they both are right. Why, sir, if this enfeebling 
luxury goes on much longer, we shall never dare to 
hang a man, whatever crimes he may have done." 

Let these would-be philanthropists relieve the silent 
sufferings of their own poor instead of whining 
morbidly over the deaths of partridges and robins, 
mackerel and grebes. I have a patient now who is 



176 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS 

sinking into a consumption because she cannot bear 
to eat a piece of beef and mutton, and she always 
says that sheep and cows look at her with reproachful 
eyes. I told her she might safely take cod-liver 
oil, for it did not come from the live cod's liver, but 
the refuse of the dead mixed with all sorts of curious 
things. 

What do these wise men know about cock-robins' 
happiness and harmlessness and innocence ? And 
what do cynics know of women's cruelty ? My 
daughter Mary wears a cloak trimmed with the grebe. 
Just ask the parish poor what they think of her 
cruelty, Diogenes ? She would not hurt a fly, I 
scarcely think she'd kill a flea. And when you talk 
of happiness, I think a bug would lose as large a 
share as any grebe or robin would. The joy of biting 
the highest class of animated beings in this world, 
and then becoming suddenly invisible, must be 
supreme. At least, so says my wife, and we are one. 
Why don't the papers call upon the highest ladies in 
the land to use their influence, and stop the purchase 
of these birds ? 

They could do more in one short week to cure the 
ill, if ill it be, than all the letters of indignant fussy 
people, whose aim seems to be to make out that they 
have finer feelings than the rest, that they are not 
such brutes, whatever others are. 

But perhaps the papers write for " Outside Fools," 
and care no more for them than we do for our 
rained client's loss. I should not like to think that 
true, though it would make Nathaniel Seesaw seem 
a better man. 

Excuse me, Mr. Tristram Tarbox, I had quite for- 
gotten you. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 177 

11 It is a sin to steal a pin." No doubt. Extremes 
will meet, they say. Let vice be on a grander scale, 
and change its name. There is a feather in financial 
caps more costly than the plumage of ten thousand 
grebes and robins. It is gained by robbing widows, 
orphans, poor professional men of their hard earn- 
ings under the specious and ensnaring titles of Invest- 
ment and Industrial Enterprise. It seems a brighter 
feather in the caps of magnates of finance to gain 
their millions by heading the prospectuses of foreign 
loans with their great names, although they know 
full well that but for those great names not one in- 
vestor would be trapped. 

Bat the gayest of all plumage and the costliest of 
feathers are worn by those who in this " merrie " 
land of ours make it possible to spend- more than 
the total value of a so-called property to gain collusive 
aid from men whose names and high position weigh 
well with the public, and can influence subscriptions 
for the shares. Yet, when Co-operative Credit Banks 
are started by the small financial acrobat, whose 
honesty is quite as great, although there is less money 
in his till, and when he promises, poor imitative ape, 
eighteen per cent, per month, the same as lovely 
Emma promised to her luckless shareholders, then 
the papers' indignation is aroused, short is the road 
to Newgate then. And yet what is the difference ? 
The one has nothing, and the others much. That's 
all. 

But what can Tristram Tarbox mean ? Aha ! I 
see it now. He has just opened shop, and has his 
11 Outside Fools " to catch. Not half -a bad idea that 
corresponding with Lord Derby and the premier. A 
very cheap advertisement. Of course he knows that 

H* 



178 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

they will burn his letters, probably unread. No 
matter, he will write to the right sort of papers with 
his grievance (I should say advertisement), and they 
will gladly print. Yes, we do live in an age of ad- 
vertising now. Some enterprising quack, I hear, has 
sent round circulars to all the farmers in the country 
and the butchers in the towns, and offered them most 
liberal terms if they will brand their grazing flocks 
and herds with the name and price of his great 
"Heal-all," and print the same upon the carcases and 
joints of sheep and beasts when killed. 'Tis an 
original idea. Oh, yes, it is an advertising age. I 
thank you, Mr. Tristram Tarbox, for the hint, and I 
will write myself by the next post to Mr. Disraeli, to 
say that my great Matrimonial Alliance Association 
has so seized upon the public mind that thousands of 
my shareholders and correspondents think he really 
ought to set the jail-birds free, to see if they can 
find their true " affinities " within the Halls ; I say 
the Halls, for true love levels all, and a convicted 
felon might find his affinity in the first-class Hall as 
well as in the second-class. And if he only could 
find that affinity, such is the power of love, he would 
turn out a useful member of society, that hydra-headed 
beast, so whimsical and difficult to please. How 
many convicts in the colonies, where food is cheap, 
have risen to respectability, and legislate for those 
who never broke laws yet ! 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 179 

CHAPTEE XXXIII. 

a broker's idea of a gentleman and a snob. 

To my thinking, a speculative gentleman is one who 
has money to lose, and loses cheerfully — who is 
delighted at a little piece of luck, and makes that 
compensate for many a heavy loss — who always 
thinks of next account when once pay-day is past, 
and wipes all past scores from his mind — an open 
jovial sort of man, a merry tosspot, fond of a good 
joke, at peace both with himself and all the world 
while yet his money lasts — who listens well to all his 
broker says, — not to advice, no, that is wrong, but 
what he lets fall in a casual sort of way — who don't 
remember when you contradict yourself twice in a 
week, or, if you have a headache or a cold, twice in a 
day, in your remarks about a stock — who never quar- 
rels with con tangoes, backwardations, brokerage, or 
dealing price, but stands it like a lamb, because he 
thinks it is the thing to do, although he has a dim 
idea that his broker takes care of himself. A nice 
high-stomached fellow, whose " changing spirits rise 
and fall," of course, but rise more often than they 
fall — -a vain conceited fop, nursed in the lap of luxury, 
we brokers dearly love. A self-willed, stiff-necked, 
empty-headed noodle, with a handle to his name and 
a good balance at his bankers, is our joy. A prig, 
a theorist, a man of one idea, we take to kindly, 
though we chuckle and feel better, yes, much better, 
as we clean such out. All these are speculative gen- 
tlemen. Secretaries and accountants, we must allow, 
are gentlemen, but there is little picking to be got 



180 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

from these. They are the parasites on speculation's 
tree. .1 speak not of the great financiers, directors of 
large companies, and those who own the money co- 
lumns of the papers in which they deal out daily pa- 
bulum to hungry " Outside Frols." They are the no- 
bility of speculation, and they rule us as they please. 
We rather fear than love these men ; they often bring 
us loss as well as brokerage. A lawyer is too much 
like us to be exactly a speculative gentleman. We 
try few tricks with him. 

All tradesmen with a bond fide business, such as 
tavern-keepers, butchers, pawnbrokers, jewellers, and 
those who by their puffs of bankrupt silks and other 
goods half ruin little honest men who have not capi- 
tal to catch the " Outside Buying Fools," are gentle- 
men with us. 

Our country gentlemen are mostly made up of the 
rectors, vicars, doctors, tutors, who are all nice well- 
bred targets for our telegrams. 

But the prince of all our gentlemen is one who has 
a large estate in land — who, like so many other human 
beings, thinking something else is wanted to com- 
plete his happiness, or bitten by that melancholic love 
of change of which we all have some small spice, 
embraces speculation simply for excitement, backs 
his opinion with true gambler's wilfulness, and feels 
grim pleasure in the market's ups and downs. These 
are born aristocrats, the kings of speculative kings, 
and if a broker does not put forth all his genius, his 
deepest knowledge of humanity, to make things plea- 
sant for those noble patrons of his trade, he is a scur- 
vy mongrel, a slow addlepate, a charlatan who does 
not know the difference between a gentleman and 
snob. How often have I grieved to take a cheque on 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 181 

settling day from such as these. I mean how often I 
have seemed to grieve. 

Young brokers, take your gentlemen to drink with 
you as often as they're in the mood. A glass of good dry 
sherry, on a dull damp day, will give the speculator 
courage for the strife. Talk loud in praise of Bacchus ; 
but let claret be your strongest drink. Discreetly send 
a brace of early partridges, a pound or two of hothouse 
grapes, when they are very scarce, an English pine, 
some grouse, or salmon caught in Scotland's rivers — 
not in Norway, mind — a fine stag turkey, if it's 
Christmas time, or any other seasonable gift, to your 
best clients, when the speculative gadfly does not 
freely bite. These slight attentions tell with broker's 
gentlemen. Each present has some brilliant possibi- 
lities attached to it. If you have clients who are not 
in good society, but are in business, and well off, good 
honest bees with honey in substantial hives, then ask 
them down to see you at your house, and dine them 
well, make them at home, give them good wine and 
good cigars. Think nothing of the extra cost. They'll 
vow you are a right good fellow, bring more fish 
into your net, and your preserves will be well 
stocked. These honest bees will listen to your sage 
remarks about the stocks, will buzz about you cheer- 
fully, fly off to speculative gardens hinted at by you ; 
and, in their clumsy efforts to extract some honey 
from the prickly flowers, will bruise and tear their 
wings, to your great gain. 'Tis well to call your 
gentlemen aside, to whisper confidentially while 
their friends are standing by, to buttonhole them in 
the courts — this makes each one important in his 
fellows' eyes; and human nature wonderfully likes 
to be thought something of. Philosophers and 



182 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

other learned men may know that reputation is a 
shallow sort of thing, and oft depends on what some 
half a dozen friends or enemies may think of one ; 
but brokers do not deal with such, but with all 
sorts of very human <* Outside Fools." Don't treat 
your clients just according to the orders that they 
give, but think how long they probably will deal 
with you, look at their expectations, friends, con : 
nections, and temperament. I've known a broker 
lose some steady paying clients by devoting too 
much time to one or two, who gave themselves 
great airs, dealt in large quantities of stock at once, 
and then defaulted suddenly. This is a barbarous 
mistake, and shows the raw and inexperienced 
hand, whose knowledge of his fellow-creatures is 
but slight. Don't sneer or laugh at any folly that 
your clients may commit, if other " Outside Fools " 
are standing by. And never tell the reasons why 
this one or that lost all he had. You may say with 
advantage this, — 

" I never saw a man have such bad luck." 
This sort of spurious sympathy will often tell. 
You see we all are so dependent on each other when 
it comes to facts. Talk loud in praise of chance, this 
will prevent the gamblers seeing what great fools 
they are. You may call a man a rogue sometimes 
without insulting him so such ; but never may you 
call him "fool," and still remain his friend. Send 
wires freely to the country bees, except when very 
favorable movements in their stocks have taken 
place. Then wait a while, to see if it will not pass 
off. We have our duties to the House as well as to 
our clients, and self-preservation is the first great 
natural law. No broker in his senses should allow 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 183 

a client to make money in a soda water rise. That is 
the jobbers' perquisite. But if your client be a bull, 
and the rise has nearly all been lost, I should advise 
you then to wire, for the client might reply, "Sell 
at the best." Oh, how I love those words, " Sell at 
the best." Suppose he wires to buy or sell at some 
fixed limit, you can play around the limit with your 
usual skill, assisted by a jobbing friend. You might 
sometimes do this, but you must know your man. I 
mean, if he's a bull, and there has been a sudden rise, 
and your own judgment thinks that it won't last, sell 
for yourself the same amount, then wire to say, 
" There is a sudden rise in A, B, C. No cause as- 
signed. The market fiat. Reply." Suppose the 
client should reply, "Sell at the best." You then 
can buy his stock yourself and close a bear at the full 
market turn. It might sometimes go wrong; but 
with your telegrams and logic you would soon come 
right. Send price lists out at night. It keeps up 
clients' interest. But be judicious in your sending 
out price lists. Give prominence to stocks you wish 
your clients to deal in. 

Sometimes it is quite clear that a certain stock 
will rise. All know it in the House. The object 
then of course is to clear all the " Outside Pools " 
out of their bulls ; because we don't require the aid 
of " Fools " to help a stock up that we know will 
rise. It is to take stocks off our hands that will not 
rise for which we want these " Fools." 

For instance, we'll suppose " cheap Caley," as the 
singing wags called it, has now been bought. You 
have some clients who are bulls, and who do not 
attend. JReport each little rise in that stock with 
alacrity. Forget to wire if it rise decidedly. I had 



184 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

a client who stuck to his stock, and would not close. 
The order had been given, "Squeeze out — the divi- 
dend is good." I squeezed, but this one stuck; and 
so I wrote to say that the contango would be very 
heavy, and that he had better close for this account 
and buy for next. He trusted me, and sold for this. 
I waited till the stock had risen one per cent., then 
wired to say that it had slipped away from me, what 
should I do? " Buy at the best," was the reply. I 
bought (it was carrying over day, when clever brokers 
can do what they like with prices) at just ■§ above 
the market price. And so I saved the House one and 
five-eighths, at all events. I wrote at night to say 
that I was wrong, and said I hoped my client would 
accept apologies. He did, for I was dealing with a 
broker's gentleman. Young brokers, take the hint. 
For our greatest gentlemen often deal like this. 

They bull the rotten stocks, close in the smallest 
panic instead of buying more, then buy the same 
when they have risen to the same old price ; and 
if they ever bear, which is not often, they assail the 
very strongest stocks, like English rails. This 
is the constant way of dealing with our ideal gentle- 
men. 

A speculative snob is this, according to Nathaniel 
Seesaw's view. A client who has learnt the system 
thoroughly, one who knows a broker like a book — 
who, though he is a bee with honey, will not let that 
honey go. A wretched pessimist, who dares to sell 
the rotten property of others as a bear and be a bull 
of sound securities. A man who will not listen to 
our views, who don't believe in money articles, who 
will not go beyond his depth, who checks the prices 
that we bring him out, and often deals with two 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 185 

brokers at once to see how competition works, and 
how their statements and their prices look when 
they're compared. A man who does not take his own 
opinions unless checked by averages and fact, who 
don't believe in tips, not even if Sidonia's clerks 
should give the tip. A sober, serious beast, who 
never takes a glass of wine except at meals — an 
oddity, who is not vain, and who is no automaton — a 
beast who cuts a loss before it grows, who does not 
let a profit run too far, who leaves no limits in or out 
of the House, and grumbles if we charge an eighth 
too much or make an error in the price. You will 
not often meet with such a pest, but if you do, laugh 
at his views, snub all his theories, cheat him in the 
price, have rows, don't budge an inch, say, " Nothing 
doing,'' "Not a chance," "I do not know," to ail 
inquiries, and in short, do anything except refuse 
point blank to deal. If this don't drive him off to 
other offices, resign yourself; you're being punished 
for your sins. A friend of mine had such a client 
for ten months, but luckily he caught a pleurisy and 
passed. 

And now, dear " Outside Pools," that you may 
learn more pleasantly these various ways of operat- 
ing on the Stock Exchange, I will relate to you a 
true account of what my latest clients did, and tell 
you how and why they lost their money so. 

And if you recognise a friend, a brother, or your- 
selves, don't be surprised, you are all very much 
alike. 



186 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTER XXXIY. 

THE HISTORY OF OCTAYIUS MARMADUKE BUBCHOOK, 
EX-M.P. FOR ROTTENBORO'. 

Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Esq., styled him- 
self a ship-broker, and resided, as so many vulgar 
plutocrats elect to do now-a-days, in a pretentious house 
at Brighton. He had been in a large way of business 
in Liverpool, but finding his affairs were getting in a 
very queer state, and that trade was more likely to be 
worse than better, he settled twenty thousand pounds 
upon his wife just in time to prevent his creditors 
from touching it, and, as soon as he could legally, went 
through the court. Having lost not only his business 
at Liverpool, but his seat for Rottenboro', he came to 
London, the place for all true genius, brought with him 
his good wife and the twenty thousand pounds which 
should have gone to pay his creditors, and opened an 
office once more as a ship-broker. His true style was 
" ship-knacker," and a clerk whom he had turned 
away was heard to hint at sundry strange machines 
which he had spied in a dark room, and guessed to 
be infernal engines ready to be sent on voyages, 
when the insurance made it worth his while to get 
rid of some surplus human life, and gain for himself 
many turnips' worth of property. As this clerk had 
been dismissed, no one thought much of his hints, 
but this one ugly fact remained. Sach wonderful 
fatality attended this ship-knacker's ships that the 
underwriters grew afraid of them, and asked much 
larger premiums. These he would willingly have 
paid. But luckily, Mr. Plimsoll, to his eternal credit 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 187 

as a man, forgot that in the House of Commons, 
where man is a fighting animal and, with few ex- 
ceptions, cares as much for party and for place as for 
philanthropy, etiquette must not be set aside, though 
sailors' lives be lost the while, and as a consequence 
of this appeal, a temporary Merchant Shipping Bill 
was passed, and Bubchook's occupation was too 
dangerous to last. So he turned to speculation as a 
business, but still kept his office on, to give a more 
respectable appearance to the thing. 

This ex-M.P. for Eottenboro' was a curious-look- 
ing man. His complexion was a sickly yellow, not 
the yellow that belongs so often to the nervo-bilious 
constitution, but to the lymphatic, semi-vegetable sort 
of being, whose vital force seems insufficient to com- 
pletely energize the frame. His features were all 
negative, except the eyes, and no keen or electric 
glances ever shot from them. I scarcely think I can 
describe his eyes. If ever you have seen a hippopo- 
tamus with body all submerged, except a portion of 
the head and all the eye, which gazes at you watchful- 
ly, and yet you cannot tell what the expression means, 
you may have some idea of Bubchook's eye. It was 
not shifty, did not drop before your gaze, but seemed 
to look up almost through the upper lid half at you 
and half past you. You felt the man's eye had you 
in its gaze, and yet when you looked up it did not 
seem to have. His manner was indifferent and 
listless, his figure tall and loose and gaunt. You 
might have been for months in the same house with 
him, and never known him any better than before. 
His ships were just like other ships, except that you 
might easily have knocked a hole in most of them as 
large as any cannon-ball. 



188 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Yet, strange as it may seem, this man was very 
sensitive. If you had brought to him a robin or a 
grebe, in all the throes of death, its little frame con- 
vulsed, the fatal film obscuring its pretty interesting 
eyes, just now so bright and clear, he would have 
turned quite ill through sympathetic pity for the 
creature's sufferings, and lost his appetite for food, 
and even shed an automatic tear or two. He often 
fainted at the sight of blood, yet when a ship went 
down with all on board, he took the insurance money 
quietly without a thought or pang, and ate his dinner 
like a Christian gentleman. He never saw the up- 
turned faces of the drowning sailors, or their limbs 
all bruised and shattered in his broken sleep. He 
never either dreamt or thought of them. He was a 
good husband, a kind father, and went to church 
with regular respectability. 

And he belonged to a society of cynics, who had 
so little love for man that they constructed deftly- 
made machines, which, packed away like other 
merchandise, exploded at a given time, and sank the 
ship and all beneath the waves. 

What! say you, a miscreant like this shed tears 
to see a robin die ! This wretch, a husband and a 
father, and a member of our church ! He faint at 
the sight of blood! It is impossible! He must be 
mad! 

You are mistaken, it is true enough. I had some 
business to arrange with him before he died, and he 
confessed it all to me. Perhaps you say it was deli- 
rium. Well, hear what Sana Mens says of these 
extraordinary crimes that shock society. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 159 

CHAPTEE XXXV. 

DR. SANA MENS' VIEWS OF EXTRAORDINARY CRIMES. 

He first says that there are not so many of these 
crimes now as there used to be. And then he says 
that man is better educated and more civilized, but 
not much changed in heart. 

But though this is the case, society objects to face 
this fact, so lowering to human vanity. 

A long-continued peace and modern luxury, the 
less natural and less simple way of living, and the 
overgrowth of population, coupled with the un- 
healthy check to passions which a prudent man can- 
not afford to gratify, has sapped the nation's strength 
and energy, developed morbid sensitiveness, and a 
sickly sentimentalism. We shudder at the thought 
of war, of bloodshed, and the taking human life 
away for any crime. And yet our bitterness of feel- 
ing to one another is as great, and were it not for 
legal check, and better knowledge of the conse- 
quences, it would often end in crime. 

We ought to hang all such wretches as Bubchook, 
not try to bring them in insane, because their act 
would seem to prove that man is not much better 
than he was. Society says education has improved 
the human heart. Then why do clergymen of differ- 
ent sects hate one another so. Their Bible tells them 
charity, not fierce intolerance, should be their guide. 
"My doxy's orthodoxy, yours is heterodoxy," is 
the cry that has so sorely shaken men's belief and 
brought the church so near to " Disestablishment," 



190 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Men feel inclined to say this crime of Bubchook's 
is insanity. 

And pray, when rectors advertise to say that 
they reject the " desecrated title Reverend" because 
a Wesleyan has gained the power to write this 
awful sacerdotal term upon a dead man's tomb, 
ought not society to call fanatic ignorance like this 
"insanity." 

Indeed, I do not think that crimes like Bubchook's 
do the same amount of harm. They are so very 
rare. 

Thus argued Dr. Sana Mens ; but I don't under- 
stand these things. 

I know there's great injustice in the world. .We 
brokers, and the jobbers, too, get all the blame 
whereas the real ship-knackers of finance insure their 
rotten vessels, and make profits by their foundering. 

Like Bubchook, they are sensitive, and would not 
like to see a robin killed. Bat they are not disturbed 
when poor investors lose their all in loans which their 
great names have helped to float ; and, luckily for them, 
there is no Plimsoll yet to spoil their business so. 
There's so much jobbing in the parliament itself. 
" The government would have enough to do if it tried 
to take care of all its fools," said some shrewd man not 
long ago. Of course it would. It spends some of the 
nation's money in protecting fools from losing purses 
in the streets ; but when it comes to bigger thieves, 
who steal enough to be respectable, it owns that it is 
powerless. Just so with all the bankrupts, when they 
fail for large enough amounts. 

Of course it is. The jobbers in the government 
could easily outvote or buy non-jobbers members' 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 191 

votes as the city cliques buy off a rival company, or 
pack a meeting to secure their ends. 

Man is a fighting animal, and nowhere more than 
when he gets into a pulpit or is sent to parliament by 
" Outside Fools." 

. I'm sure Nathaniel Seesaw would fight better for 
his party than his country, and for sect at least as 
well as church. 



CKAPTEK XXXVL 



OCTAVIUS MARMADUKE BUBCHOOK, ESQ., BECOMES A 
BULL OF PERU. 

But I forget the ex-M.P. for Rottenboro ; you want 
to know his dealings with myself before he came to 
grief and died. 

It happened that Commander Cookson issued his 
report upon the guano of Peru about this time. Bub- 
chook remembered Peruvian sixes at eighty-four, and 
as he failed to see that this so-called report was really 
nothing but a few " I am tolds" strung together 
without any really trustworthy evidence gained from 
an exhaustive survey of the stock by independent 
English agents, he chose this dirty stock, with all its 
dirty tricks, to bull, bought forty-thousand sixes at 
an average price of seventy-two, and thirty thousand 
fives at sixty-one, and as the banks had not yet put a 
black mark against the rubbish, he took it up and 
borrowed money on it, leaving but a margin of just 
ten per cent. 

Now, as most speculators in Perus have found out 
to their cost, this valuable stock is so extremely 



192 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

lively, and the price depends so much upon the 
way in which the cliques behind the scenes elect 
to pull the strings, so much upon what that mer- 
curial Paris market is about, that trying to hit the 
fluctuations right is just as difficult as picking up 
spilt quicksilver upon a smooth surface with your 
hand, or catching brokers when they play at hide 
and seek, although, meantime, your stocks are danc- 
ing up and down like bears upon a hot brick floor. 
Many of my clients have dealt in Perus, a few at 
times made profits, but I had but one who did not 
lose on balance, and he hit it right first time, and 
died of heart disease before he had another deal. 
The stock had been much higher than it was when 
Bubchook bought ; and as the old investors had 
received their money back in dividends, they did not 
sell, or if they did, the least collusive telegram or 
story of a fresh discovery of dirt was quite enough to 
make them buy again. This fact made it impossible 
for " Outside Fools" to do much good as bears, for 
as soon as they had sold, the stock jumped up, and in 
rushed the old bulls, and sometimes new ones in 
their train. If this was not enough to make the 
others close their bears, out came some rumor that 
a survey of the whole guano beds was going to be 
soon made — that more had been discovered — that 
negotiations for some loan were coming on. Then 
as the cliques who knew the truth (and there were 
such, more shame to them for acting with their 
knowledge as they did) bought large amounts of 
stock, the bears who then remembered the high 
prices that had ruled were frightened into closing, 
mostly at the highest point. The cliques sold out 
their bulls upon this artificial rise, and then a con- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 193 

tradiction of the rumors came, and " Outside Bulls " 
were punished in their turn, and as the market 
looked like going worse, these " Outside Bulls " all 
sold, and once again the cliques bought stock, and 
fresh mendacious tales were spread about. 

All the movements in Peruvian trash since Bub- 
chook bought until, this present time have been pro- 
duced by variations of this simple but dishonest 
game. 

But, says some " Outside Fool/' " You should have 
been persistent in your plan, and not been frightened 
into buying back your bear or selling out your bull." 

Now, my good sir, if you alone thought this, and 
acted on it, you would find it right ; but, singular to 
say, when anything is mathematically plain in 
stocks, so many do the same, that it becomes worth 
while for capital to show how little use is reason in 
a fight against its power. 

Capital must win whatever it elects to do, with 
money articles at it's command, and so long as you 
will think that all your losses come from your own 
folly, or because you deal in this way or in that. 
It's nothing of the kind. The pieces on the chess- 
board are all moved according to a pre-determined 
plan, of which we get some hints inside, while you get 
none. Suppose the public as a body bought the 
soundest stocks, and nothing else, we then should 
buy the rotten ones and have the money articles 
with us, and you would buy the rotten stocks when 
City editors had proved conclusively how cheap they 
were and how a stock, though sound, was dangerous 
to buy at such a price. 

Suppose the public, as till now they have preferred 
to do, still buy the rotten stocks, we then shall buy 

I 



194 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

the sound, and when they have bought all they can, 
we then shall bear the very stocks they're loaded 
with, and all our organs will turn round and say, 
"It serves them right to buy such rubbish at so 
high a price." • 

You know we jobbers are supposed to gain a living 
by the market turn, and brokers by commission, and 
in theory we do not speculate ; but even you, dear 
" Outside Fools," do not believe that this is so. We 
could get a good living so ; but just as women who 
are beautiful and vain, and cannot tell the limit of 
their power, strive hard to catch a noble or prince, 
and let the worthy swain of humbler station go, so 
we strive hard to pick the biggest plums that "Out- 
side Fools" may offer us, and not one broker in a 
hundred knows what brilliant possibilities may not 
be his, in the great lottery of " Outside Fools." I 
tell you candidly that we should all feel happier if 
our power was more limited and definite; just as 
a woman does when ruled with strong firm hand. 

We never know when we have done our best to 
catch the largest fish, or when we've broiled enough 
the ones we have already caught. 

A woman cannot know if she has done her best 
until she's wed, and then she's bound to try to get 
the upper hand. But if she finds a mate who keeps 
her in her proper place, she then is more contented, 
for she has the conscious pride of having done her 
best, and feels more happy, " now that her domain 
is well defined and limited." And we should feel 
more happy if our power to cheat were circum- 
scribed, for really this roach-fishing is no easy task; 
there are so many fine ones in the swims all waiting 
to be caught, and when the fish are on the feed it 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 195 

makes our arms ache terribly to pull them out. The 
" Outside Fools" are just like fish — all bite together 
— take a gentle one day and a worm the next. For 
them we catch the early worms. Oh, yes! Just 
now the weather's very bad for fishing ; the large 
pike have made such havoc with the fish that they 
are frightened and keejX in the weeds; there are 
some pike that weigh some forty pounds, but there's 
no angler yet been born that can get hold of them. 
They do us harm as well as kill the roach most 
wantonly. We get the blame, and run the risk of 
being caught ourselves; they keep safe in their 
muddy holes. 

We're rather puzzled now to find attractive baits ; 
but if no new ones can be got, it won't be long before 
the old are swallowed greedily. 

But I assure you this is true. I mean that all our 
honest members, and they are at least as ten to one 
are praying that they may no longer be exposed to 
such temptations, but that what their power and 
duties are may be more clearly known and definite. 

Men, like myself and Turnabout, would rather have 
things as they are ; but I am vastly changed since 
Sana Mens has doctored me, and sometimes think I'm 
getting ominously good. 

It may be conscience, liver, or I may be one of 
those automata, but anyhow, I feel more comfortable, 
and that ought to be the truest test. 

I beg your pardon, Mr. Bubchook, I had quite for- 
gotten you. Excuse an old man's moralizing, my 
dear " Outside Fools." You might learn something 
from it, if you would. 

Now when this philanthropic ex-M.P. had bought 
his South American Dirt, it did rise nearly two 



196 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

per cent. He, knowing not the way in which the 
dice were cogged, and being quite as greedy and as 
foolish as most speculators are, who when a market 
rises think it will not cease to rise, and when it falls 
think there will be no limit to the fall, refused to take 
a profit, and so missed his chance. Perus don't dwindle 
— as a rule they flop, touse-a City term. They don't 
go up by eighths, but jump by halves, and ones, and 
often more. Not even could Commander Cookson's 
"I am folds " keep up the stock. Parisian shop- 
keepers' puffs had not the weight they used to have. 
The farmers, who, though not accomplished in the 
Eiggers' tricks, are shrewd and practical, and do 
their country much more good than millionaires, 
whose fortunes have not come from trade or industry, 
but all from robbing England of her gold, and giving 
portions of the plunder, sometimes large and some- 
times small, to countries most of which are bankrupt, 
while the rest depend upon the name of their 
financiers, who when they think the orange has been 
squeezed enough for their good names will hand it 
over to some lesser lights, who can afford to do more 
dirty work, and so it goes on to the end. Is any one 
to blame for this ? Not much. Your ignorance, ye 
" Outside Fools," makes all this juggling last. But 
hold. You cannot help your ignorance. Why ? Be- 
cause you read, with very few exceptions, interested 
lies. What is the cure, then? Legislation never 
will do much, however honestly it try. No ; all you 
want, dear " Outside Pools," is better knowledge of 
the thousand ways and means that capital, when in 
such hands, adopts to catch its victims with. In 
your case " ignorance is vice," and Dr. Sana Mens 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 197 

declares it is in most. Wake up, then, do your duty, 
learn and save yourselves. 

But let us go back to our Bubchook and our Dirt. 
The next event was a complete expose of this half- 
breed's country's real financial slate by the Economist ; 
all honor be to it, though it's too cold and cautious to 
be cared for much by speculating men. 

Fierce was the rage of baffled touts and money- 
mongers then. It was a very pretty war. Not one 
where " Outside Fools " held all the Bonds. By no 
means so. Some very high-class " Firms " had 
touched this pitch, and most of it stuck to their 
fingers still. The worthy ex-M.P. for Eottenboro' 
tried his best to catch the quicksilver, but, like the 
rest, he failed. 

In vain adulterators tried to sell wares half as good 
at one-tenth less in price. 

In vain the syndicates worked hard to place some 
of the last enormous loan by buying millions of the 
stock and giving calls for more. They could not sell^ 
sufficient to recoup their loss each time, and so they 
got the aid of foreign lies. 

And then the banks refused to lend upon the stock, 
although they nlight as well have lent. The oblong 
bits of paper which made many Collie-kites to fly 
were worse than " Penniless Peru." 

Bubchook had sold his six per cents, ere this at 
63, and fives at 51, and with his intermediate deals 
the account stood thus : — 



198 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE XXXVII. 

tf. M. BUBCHOOK, ESQ., IN ACCOUNT WITH MESSRS. 
SEESAW AND TURNABOUT. 



Or. 

Bought — £ s. d. 

40,000 Peruvian 

6 per cents, at 

72 28,800 

Com. Jth per 

cent 50 

\ l ^ih com. for 

sale of above. 25 
30,000 Peruvian 

5 per cents, at 

61 18,300 

Com. Jth per ct. 37 10 
-^th com. for 

sale of above. 18 15 



Dr. 

Sold— £ s. d. 

40,000 Peruvian 
6 per cents, at 
63.... 25,200 



30,000 Peruvian 
5 per cents, at 
51 15,300 

Balance carried 

down 6,731 5 



47,231 5 



47,231 5 
To balance car- 
ried down.... 6,731 5 By cheque 6,731 5 

Pro Messrs. Seesaw and Turnabout. 

Erasmus Pinto. 

This account, although it was not really made out in 
the above form, as the stock was purchased some time 
before it was sold again, will show the reader clearly 
that Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Esq., ex-M.P. 
for 'Rottenboro,' had lost to our firm £6,131 5s. 
Add to this £1,750 17s. 6d. for his vain attempts 
to catch the quicksilver, and £460 7s. 6d. for bank 
charges, and the amount will be £8,942 10s. 

Many brokers only charge a sixteenth commission 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 199 

for flpeculative dealings in foreign stocks, and yet 
they charge a quarter per cent., or even more, on 
Kails; but we always charged an eighth and often a 
quarter on foreign, and by doing so we think we did 
some little good by discouraging the dealing in such 
rotten stocks. 

Why does not government charge heavy duty on 
these I O U's, and much less on the English Eails ? 
Free trade is certainly in some respects a dubious 
sort of thing. If it were not for those stamps and 
fees, there would be three times the amount of deal- 
ing in the home securities. For some time after this 
I did not see Bubchook ; but as he still had rather 
more than eleven thousand pounds to lose, I imagined 
that he had given speculation up and now was living 
on the interest. I quite expected that he would 
return again. They always do until they've nothing 
left. Before we leave Peru I must just say a little 
more. When the " ship-knacker " had done dealing 
in the stock the syndicates and the loan-mongering 
firms who were stuck with the Bonds chose " Con- 
tract 1 ' as the next watchword. 

The Paris " Kiggers " tried the "Pocket Order" 
dodge, and sought to make their losses up out of 
dull "perfide Albion" by buying on the London Stock 
Exchange, and sending private telegrams that an 
important contract was then being signed, then 
selling all they bought and bears besides and suddenly 
discovering a hitch. 

Talk of Nathaniel Seesaw's robberies, forsooth ! or 
of Erasmus Pinto's tricks ! 

They never in their happiest moods could reach 
the fancy-flights of these artistic highwaymen. 

Then all at once negotiations for this wonderful 



200 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

" Contract " were rudely broken off, a panic fall 
took place, the fives were driven down to twenty- 
four. 

It was said openly in Lima that some persons of 
great eminence had formed a Speculative Ring, and 
meant to drive the bonds down to fifteen, then call 
a meeting hurriedly, and offer the poor holders of 
the stock half dividends secured on a " Nitrate Loan" 
A London firm was mentioned as the agent of this 
precious scheme. 

And what strikes me as very odd is this. No 
words of blame are bad enough for men like Pinto 
and myself; but not a word of indignation do we hear 
against the want of faith in public men — nay, a 
corrupt official is looked on with envious eye, as one 
who has such splendid chance of filling his own 
pockets at the public cost. 

Well, out of evil some good comes. This Bubchook 
had received a salutary check, and, as I thought, he 
soon came back again. 



CHAPTEE XXXVIII. 



OCTAVIUS MARMADUKE BUBCHOOK, ESQ., BECOMES A 
BEAR OF NORTH BRITISH RAILWAY STOCK. 

Peru had done its work not badly, but North 
British was the stock that Providence selected to 
avenge the sailors sunk beneath the waters in our 
M.P.'s rotten ships. 

This interesting stock for two years previous had 
paid no dividend, but had just then declared a dividend 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 201 

of one and a half per cent. The year before it had 
been down to 58, but had now risen to 77. The 
" Daniels of Finance " wrote articles on the " North 
British Eig, so-called investors and shareholders, 
calculators and observers who knew about as much 
of the real merits of the stock as a baby-girl six 
months of age does of a skating rink, or flirting 
ground, did hire themselves a space wherein to 
ventilate their sapient views each week that came, 
and these wild views the " Outside Fools " of " bearish'' 
turn devoured greedily. It was affirmed with con- 
fidence by those who lead their readers by the nose 
that it was much too high, would soon be back at the 
old price, and cease to pay a dividend as it had done 
before. These prophecies caught the ship-knacker's 
eye, and up he came one morning early to my office 
and told me that he had found a perfect mine of 
wealth, a virgin lode, that no " outsiders " had yet 
worked. Said he, — 

"Of course the jobbers sell the stuff and laugh 
well in their sleeves at those who buy at such a price. 
This is my bear,?' continued he, " and I will pay out 
money till it does come right. A stock at 77, paying 
only one and a half per cent., which shrewd men say 
was never fairly earned, or else was earned through 
some exceptional cause, must be the proper thing 
to bear. Besides," said this delighted would-be 
bear, " I have a friend called Jonathan MacBrewin, 
who declares that he is told that many thousand 
tons of pig iron and other weighty goods are owned 
by some large bulls, who keep them running up and 
down the road at their own charges, to increase the 
traffic, and that though it costs them much, the rise 
has paid them hitherto. He further says that this 



202 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

game cannot last, and that the knowing ones are 
selling bears because they know that the collapse 
will be severe when it does come." 

I here remarked, — 

"You must not act on all you hear; the wheel 
within the wheel is often not so easy to perceive. 
Your man, MacBrewin, certainly is one who knows 
his way about. But I have friends in Scotland, and 
not one word have I heard of this. It's very strange. 
I wonder if MacBrewin's information is correct ? " 

"Correct!" said he, " look here, he dined with 
Kippered Herring yesterday. Now, will that do ? " 

" Aha ! " said I, " you don't say so ? Well now I'll 
hold my tongue, my dear Mr. Bubchook, you know 
more than I do myself." 

Now wasn't he a fool to believe such tales ? This 
bit of flattery struck home, and hugging the sweet 
thought that he, an " Outside Fool," knew more than 
his own broker, he told me to sell 5,000 at the best. 
It happened that I had received a letter from a canny 
Scot in Glasgow, with whom I had done some busi- 
ness, advising me that a large syndicate was being 
formed to buy North British, and that the rise would 
be both great and lasting too. 

So as I thought this canny Scot was quite as likely 
to be right as was MacBrewin of the pig iron, and as 
I felt myself a humble instrument selected to avenge 
the sailors who had been blown up or drowned, I 
thought I'd take the book myself and buy of Bub- 
chook all he liked to sell. 

I recommend young brokers not to put a jobber's 
name upon the contracts, if they're not compelled. 
It leaves them a much better chance of making a 
great coup themselves. Of course it could be done, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 203 

if names were given; but half the profits would go 
then to the jobber who was a sharer in the game. 
And so I sold for Bubchook to myself 5,000 British 
at 77J. In April next the stock sprang up to 84f . 

I sold 5,000 more at 84. Observe that all the sales 
will be to me, although my client knew it not. Well, 
there's no harm in that. Some parcels of political 
gunpowder exploded then, and down the stock fell 
to 82. It rose a quarter, and as I wanted him to 
make a profit at the first, I with some trouble made 
him close the last at 82J. This showed a profit of 
£75. In May the stock went up to nearly 87 ; but 
before it reached that price Bubchook had sold 5,000 
more at 85. 

More detonations on the continent drove down 
the price to 81. He bought none back, for sapient 
calculations proved that two per cent, was all the 
dividend that could be paid, and you may well be 
sure Nathaniel Seesaw did not urge him to buy 
back. Oh, no, he rather comforted the fool with 
now and then a wise remark, a knowing look, a 
meaning shoulder-shrug. We brokers are like some 
more modern poets : critics find deep meaning in 
their commonest ideas, a meaning sometimes never 
thought of by the poet's self. Just so our clients 
act. If I should put my finger gravely to my nose 
and wink, I do believe some fools would find a rise 
or fall in something meant by it. Young brokers, 
these remarks will sometimes pay you well, but hang 
a little mystery around your words, and say as I did 
then, " I don't much like the British market's look. 
The buying there is very weak. I rather think 
there'll be a split. The bulls will have to pay next 
time. Is it not a swindle this great rise ? I'll tell 



204 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

you what — if dealers all refused to carry over, T 
should not be much surprised." But if your stock of 
phrases should be all used up, take refuge in an in- 
stinct, and observe sagaciously, " Well, I've no reason 
but I don't feel right about the stock somehow." In 
June up went North British to 90|, but business took 
my client out of town, and so he did not sell. It fell 
again to nearly 83. And as he thought the rig was 
broken up, a view that I did not oppose, he sold 
5,000 more at 83. 

The rise was rapid now, and in July the price was 
97 and a fraction more. He sold 5,000 once again at 
97. It fell to 95, and this time Bubchook closed, and 
made a profit of one hundred pounds. Now after he 
had closed and made this hundred pounds, down went 
this lively stock to nearly 89. Mad with himself at 
having closed too soon, he sold 5,000 more at 89J S 
This was the bears' last chance to close. In August, 
to. the horror of the Calculators, Lectors, Joltheads 
and Scrutators, and the bears in general, there was de- 
clared a dividend of four per cent. Up sprang this 
jolly railroad stock to 105J. As, though their heads 
were very sore, some few bears still were found to 
vow that four per cent, could never have been 
fairly earned, my British fool sold yet 5,000 more at 
104§. And he was right, for down it fell to lOOf . 
And now, as he was undecided in his mind, I thought 
of those poor sailors, and I played another little 
broker's trump. With an inquiring, somewhat puz- 
zled air, that played around a very human, open-look- 
ing face, I said to him, — 

" What would you do ? I have an order here to sell 
ten British for a man, who, singular to say, is nearly 
always right. His information is so good. I can 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 205 

give } r ou the turn in five, if you would like to buy." 

" It's clear enough what you should do," said he. 
" Why, sell of course for him, and sell a bear yourself. 
I won't buy live, not I — I'd sell some more, if not so 
deeply in. I'll bet you a new hat your man is right." 

I did not take the bet, for I was making thousands 
of new hats, but I said this, — 

" Well, I daresay my man is right, but this North 
British frightens me, and I should take a profit now 
if I were you." 

I should not have said this had I not seen how 
much he thought of my fine telegram to sell. 

"I'll take my profit when it's bigger," said this 
" Outside Fool." 

Now, ye young brokers, just attend. I did not 
give advice. You never must do that. Indeed, I 
asked advice. Do that as often as you please. And 
yet it was Nathaniel Seesaw who put off the waver- 
ing Bubchook from closing his last bear, which 
showed a profit then. Did I not positively say to 
him, " If I were you, I'd take a profit now ? " 

Give your advice by gesture or by look, by quoting 
other people's views, producing other clients' orders, 
telegrams, and countless little ways which any quick 
and imitative mind will soon pick up. But without 
vanity I tell you this. It is not every one who can 
attain to Seesaw's nearly perfect way. If you come 
near it, you will make your mark on 'Change. 

Yes, this is how the broker who has genius works. 
No class of men should understand the likes and the 
dislikes, the tempers, constitution, hobby-horses, and 
the frailties of his fellow men so well as brokers 
should, unless it be the doctors, for their case is 



206 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

something like our own, But for the dunces there 
were none of us. 

Why 'pon my conscience, I have had pig-headed 
" Outside Fools" to whom I had but just to say, " Be 
sure you don't buy this," "Sell anything but that," 
and I had then a market ready to my hand in them. 

Then work away, my youthful hearties, study 
human nature well, and you'll grow rich, and when 
you hear Nathaniel Seesaw's name take off your 
hats. 

We left North British at lOOf . A few days saw it 
up to 105£. Bubchook was laid up with an influenza 
cold, and at those trying times, you know, philoso- 
phers are rather puzzled in the head, much more than 
are the " Outside Fools." 

I did not bother the poor man with telegrams, and 
as he kept expecting me to wire, he did not wire 
himself or write while he was taking gruel in the 
house. The stock rushed up to 108. This cured his 
cold, and up he came. It fell an eighth that morn- 
ing, and he sold 5,000 more, to me of course, at 107f . 



CHAPTEE XXXIX. 



THE HISTORY OF MR. AND MRS. SILAS SNOAD, AND 
DR. SANA MENS' VIEWS ON TEETOTALERS. 

Now, see how little things work out the ends of 
Providence. This Bubchook had a married sister. 
She had made up her mind to marry, asked or not, 
and found at last her true " affinity" in Silas Snoad, 
a burly publican, with jovial honest face and Hercu- 
lean frame, who sold whatever beer was sent to him 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 207 

by the great brewers who were owners of the tavern 
which he kept in Toppletipplers Eoad. His con- 
science never troubled him ; no qualms had he about 
the effect of Cocculus Indicus ; of chemistry he knew 
no more than his great toe. 

He drank his beer himself and whisky, too. They 
suited him, they brought him money, flesh and 
strength, and as the customers were plenty at the 
bar, an.d seldom dull or sad, he thought they must be 
suited too. 

This Silas Snoad was a good honest fool, who did 
not see below the surface far, and had those strong 
convictions that a narrow mind so often has. 

I should not think he saw one hundredth part 
as far through a brick wall as those who wage the 
whisky war and the Good Templars see. I wonder 
what their form of narcotism is. Some kind we all 
indulge in, though we know it not, says Dr. Sana 
Mens. 

I dined with him last night, and here is what he 
thinks. 

Their " narcotism" may consist in the proud 
thought that they by their example may drag into 
Paradise unnumbered drunken fools who have not 
signed the " pledge." 

This is a pleasant and a high-class sort of nar- 
cotism. 

But, says Sana Mens, these good hot-gospellers of 
cold water are mistaken if they think that an abstain- 
ing fool is so much better than a fool who drinks a 
glass or two. 

One takes his glass and thinks himself no better 
than another man. The other whose secretions, 
maybe, will not harmonize with alcohol in any form 



208 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

or shape, ofttimes drinks copious draughts of Ego 
wine, then poses as the savior of a lost degraded 
class. 

Yes ! there are many subtle forms of mental drunk- 
enness. 

If there be any whose sole motive is to benefit 
their fellow-creatures by these whisky wars, loud 
praises of cold water, tea, and ginger-beer, I honor 
them, says Sana Mens. • 

But still I call on them to sift their motives well, 
to see with diligence if there should be some slight 
narcotic in this abstinence. 

The devil is so very deep, he often prompts what 
we suppose to be our purest acts. 

As soon as we can see ourselves as others see us, 
we shall all, both those who drink and those who 
don't, be ready for a better world. Well, as you're 
really earnest in this cause, and no class-feeling 
underlies your acts, just see if these few hints of 
mine will help you on at all. 



CHAPTEE XL. 



DR. SANA MENS ON THE USE OF THE WONDERFUL 
WORDS MHAJSN A TAN. 

First buy yourselves new banners for processions. 
Have worked on these banners in large letters those 
Greek words, the sum of all philosophy, MHKEJSf 
A TAN. 

Send placards with these golden words upon them 
to each tavern in the land, and fine all those who do 
not hang them in the bar a good round sum. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 209 

Send to the universities for lecturers to show the 
esoteric meaning of these noble words to " Outside 
Fools" and " Inside Rogues." 

Let each child learn them with its ABC. They 
are not Tupper's words. Teetotalers, call on the 
clergy of your parishes to sermonize upon these 
godlike words, to illustrate their hidden wisdom 
every Sabbath Day with all that learning, logical 
ability, and eloquence for which our church is justly 
famed. 

Ye bishops, rectors, vicars, and all lesser lights, 
call on teetotalers to dive into the secret meaning of 
these words and see if haply any may pursue one 
virtue till it end in vice. 

" What, Greek?" said I, aghast, to Sana Mens. 
11 Why not use the vernacular ? " 

"Now, Seesaw, this is scarcely worthy of your 
knowledge of the world," said he. " Have you not 
noticed how those great philanthropists who spend 
their lives in seeking panaceas for the human frame 
choose rather names from other languages to give 
their sovereign remedies. Sometimes the name is 
half from Latin, half from Greek. They know that 
few would buy their nostrums but for their fine 
names." 

c « You're right," said I. " It's so in City matters 
too. If I had advertised a bank, and styled it thus, 
1 The bank that promises to pay eighteen per cent. 1 not 
one flat-fish should I have caught, much less have 
hooked a live Colonial Bishop, and five hundred 
pounds. You're quite right, Sana Mens, there is a 
great deal in a name." 

Once make men wonder, then they will let you 
explain. 



210 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Nil admirari, rightly understood, is true phi- 
losophy. But neither tosspots nor teetotalers are 
true philosophers. 

Ye soldiers of the whisky war, attend. Form in 
procession, let your banners, with the golden words 
inscribed on them, float in the wind; let "Mother 
Stewart " and a choir of spotless virgins pass along 
the streets of all our towns and chant their MHAEN 
A TAN as they go. 



CHAPTBE XLI. 



BR. SANA MENS GIVES FURTHER VALUABLE ADVICE 
HOW TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF TEA AND REDUCE 
THE PRICE OF MEAT. 

This is the first great step, but there are other minor 
ones. 

Let teetotalers, Good Templars, whisky warriors, 
and all who shudder at the name of Bacchus, pray 
Sir Wilfrid Lawson to induce the government to 
send some ships of war to catch some leading Chinese 
Mandarins and bring them here to keep as hostages 
till they have made their heathen countrymen send 
cargoes of real tea for all teetotalers to drink instead 
of poisoned filth. It is not beer and gin alone that 
leads to crime. What we call tea has much to answer 
for. 

Next let this glorious, self-abnegating band still 
further worry Parliament, until amended legislation 
brings us ample stores of foreign meat. 

Get bond fide tenants rights for those who raise or 
graze our stock at home. 

Though this be done, rest not teetotalers. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 211 

Subscribe, and form co-operative stores to sell 
good meat half price. 

Next rid us of those selfish pessimists, the middle- 
men, who play their hanky-panky tricks with meat, 
as jobbers in the Stock Exchange with " Outside 
Fools." 

Erect a pillory, or good old-fashioned stocks, in 
all the public squares, regale consumers' angry gaze 
with living portraits of " Forestallers," wealthy 
" Carcass Butchers," men who go to meet the droves 
and buy up with their " root of evil " all the best, to 
make an artificial scarcity. Stick three " Slink 
Butchers " in the pillory, and feed them with the 
putrid stuff they would have Britons eat. 

Then send your agents to the Pampas of America, 
New Zealand, and Australia, to all those distant 
grazing grounds and sheep walks where the sheep 
are valued only for their wool and fat. kill, freeze, 
or aerate, and heaven be with you in the noble work. 
Cheap meat will bring more love and charity than 
thousands of Philippics against beer. 



CHAPTEE XLII. 

HOW TO PREVENT THE PLAGUE AND CHECK THE 
OVERGROWTH OF POPULATION. 

You must next arrest all the directors of the water 
companies and make them drink nothing but un- 
boiled water, supplied by their own companies for 
six months, and if after that time they are alive, 
and not suffering from low fever or any zymotic 
disease, release them on a promise that they will 



212 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

attend your processions and meetings to show how 
water-drinking directors look, and to dissipate the 
wide-spread fear of plague that is about. 

Then if the government will force the brewers 
and distillers to produce a genuine inartistic bever- 
age, and let the chemicals alone, and if by this time 
all the parsons and professors have explained to 
"Outside Fools " what the words MHAEJST A TAN 
mean, the glorious teetotal band, the whisky war- 
riors, and " Mother Stewart " will have rest. The 
world will not be far off from its end or the millen- 
nium. 

One more suggestion to a paternal governm ent. 

Until the price of meat be just half what it is, let 
the Lord Chamberlain, or any other great official who 
may have a truly philanthropic heart, create an anti- 
population fund, to give rewards to married people 
with the smallest families, to send to all poor curates 
and the newly-wed in general these noble words of 
wisdom, printed well and neatly framed, that- they 
may hang them up where they can read them day 
and night. 

"Money " is the root of evil, so we say; bub in old 
countries such as this is, "over-population" quite as 
much deserves the name. And thus said Dr. Sana 
Mens. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 213 



CHAPTEE XLIII. 

THE EXCELLENT AND MYSTERIOUS INVESTMENT OF MR. 
SILAS SNOAD, AND WHAT EFFECT THE WANT OF A 
NARCOTIZER HAD UPON A CABMAN. 

But where did we leave Silas Snoad? Oh, I re- 
member now, we left him at his bar in Toppletipplers 
Eoad. 

He had saved money, had this publican, and he was 
fond of boasting of the interest he got ; and often he 
would say that men were fools to be contented with a 
paltry four or five per cent. But never would he tell 
a soul what Eldorado he had found. This grieved and 
vexed his better half. She coaxed, caressed, shed 
tears, blew up her Silas well, tried to provoke him by 
declaring that he had some other love, or sent his 
money to the Carlists' aid, or to the Pope of Eome ; 
but all in vain. She might as well have tried to make 
a dead ass bray. Then having done her very best, 
she felt relieved and satisfied, as every honest woman 
ought to do. 

One day, late in the afternoon, a cabman was re- 
turning from the top of Hay stock Hill, that hill that 
cabmen hate. He had nearly carried safely to their 
destination two Eevivalistic fares, who weighed 
between them nine and twenty stones, of whom one 
was so heavy with sensational ecclesiastic lore or 
carnal fat that he fell through the bottom of the cab, 
and for a little space walked on the ground, and 
helped to draw the vehicle, as Wombwell's elephant 
would draw his caravan. The other blew poor cabby 
up in tones most secular and commonplace. 



214 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Two miles had Jehu driven within three yards, his 
cab was broken, and he got a shilling for his fare, 
and, more, was threatened with a summons for his 
cruelty to animals. Now Mrs. Artful Dodger had 
just summoned him the week before, and as the dis-- 
tance proved to be one yard less than the miles re- 
quired, he lost his case, and did not feel much appetite 
for law. And so, with anger in his heart, he pocketed 
his shilling, muttered curses, and drove off. He had 
no bottom in the cab, and so he got no fares. The day 
was close, and not a drop of beer or glass of grog had 
cabby tasted all that day. So every yard he drove 
his anger grew and boiled within. 

He reached the Toppletipplers Road, and Silas 
Snoad, who had been into town to see about his 
Eldorado, was then coming home. He was more 
than a little narcotized. He did not walk quite 
straight, although he thought he did. The cabman 
would have been the better for his usual soothing 
pipe and glass. They neither of them knew what 
MHAEN A TAN meant. The cabman saw that Silas 
Snoad was most unsteady in his gait. Perhaps the 
burly figure of the publican brought back to his 
excited mind the fat ecclesiastic fares who broke the 
bottom of his cab. Perhaps the devil said, — 

" It's not your fault if he runs in your way, fools 
should beware. And if an accident should happen, it 
will change your present anger into something else. 
Tou know the body seldom has two pains at once; 
a change of passion is delightful to the mind. If one 
has laughed too much, there is a luxury in tears. If 
man and wife fall out, if you say but a word against 
the one or the other, they will turn on you and feel 
relieved. So with intestine disturbances in states 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 215 

and civil wars : sometimes invasion is the only thing 
that brings them to an end." 

What was the cause ? Decide, ye Metaphysical, 
Original, Doctoral, Magisterial, Tropological, Epis- 
copal, Enunciatory, and Dialectic Fools. 

Sages, Joltheads, and wise Jobbernols, come to my 
aid, for, as I live, it gravels me. Ye captious and 
sophistical, soritic, catechetic, pedagogical, and 
critical wiseacres, fight it out among yourselves. It 
is not worth so many words. 

One thing is certain, that this cabman all at once 
put on that unconcerned and stolid look that dray- 
men and van-drivers often have, which if your peri- 
patetic fool should disregard, the chances are he'll 
find himself run over in a trice. These draymen 
and cab-drivers, like the magistrates, know the true 
worth of human life. 

Well, Silas Snoad came lurching on, and cabby did 
not pull the rein, or shout or stop, but let the horse 
knock down the man. The horse recovered instantly, 
the man's head struck upon the curbstone, and in a 
few moments he was dead. 

Another instance of the effects of drunkenness, say 
the teetotalers. 

But how about the cabman's rage ? And the 
Eevivalistic fares of such great weight who put him 
in a rage by kicking out the bottom of the cab ? 
And what if he had smoked his pipe as usual and 
drank his daily glass of grog ? 

Well, pundits, have it as you please ; first motives 

are not easy things for man to find. Take " Ne quid 

nimis " as your motto, and you won't go very wrong, 

and think as well as possible of all your fellow-fools. 

But I must to my tale. Great consternation was 



216 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

there at the Goat and Compasses. Poor Mrs. Snoad 
went off into hysterics, cried and laughed, and 
laughed and cried, till she was quite worn out. 

A curious form of narcotism is hysterics, but a 
very useful one sometimes to feeble minds, who do 
not understand what sort of life this is, and might 
give way beneath the load of misery, but for hysterics 
or — yes, whisky warriors — a glass of grog. 

But grief is not my subject. Let us suppose the 
shock is somewhat over, and that Mrs. Snoad feels 
nearly as she felt before. 



CHAPTEK XLIV. 



THE DISCOVERY OF MR. SILAS SNOAD's MYSTERIOUS 
INVESTMEMT. 

" I wonder how I'm left," thought she. " Now I 
shall know the secret of his Eldorado, and high 
interest." 

She had not seen her brother Octavius for many 
years. Indeed, the Bubchook family had cut her 
ever since she found her true " affinity " in Snoad, 
and glorified him with her love. But times were 
changed. She was a widow now. Who knows, a 
widow perhaps well left. She might find yet 
another true "affinity," one higher in the social 
scale. She had seen the beer narcotic overmuch. 
Her nature yearned for something more refined. 
It was but the reaction, but that she did not know. 
So she wrote a letter to her brother thus : — 

"The Goat and Compasses, Toppletipplers Road. 

" My Dear Octavius, — 

" I am in great trouble. My husband is dead. I 
wish you would come and see me, if it is only for a 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 217 

short time, as his affairs are in confusion, and I. have 
at present no idea how they are arranged. He was 
always talking about the high interest he got for his 
investment, but I do not even know what the invest- 
ment is. I hope you will forget the past and come. 
" Your affectionate sister. 

" Dorothy Snoad. 

" Oct. 2nd, 1875." 

Now Dr. Sana Mens affirms that the most sober, 
sedate, the most mathematically - minded, at the 
bottom rather like a little mystery. To many it is 
another form of the various narcotisms, and a delight- 
ful hobby-horse. The more difficult to solve, the 
more delightful is the mystery. The moment it is 
solved, we have to look out for another, for nothing 

is more true than this, to anbv ael Bavfiaarov ecstl. 

Bubchook was attracted by this mystery, and much 
as he desired to watch North British closely, he 
resolved to go and see what money Silas Snoad had 
left his wife. There might be something to be got. 
A loan, at all events, thought he, and that would 
come in useful, till the bear came right. 

He went and was treated to the best the Goat and 
Compasses could give, and that was not so bad. The 
two hunted and rummaged with industrious zeal, but 
found no will nor any clue to the investment mystery. 

At last on an old bill file they discovered some 
accounts between Silas Snoad, Esq., and Messrs. Bull- 
bait and Bearpickle, of Size Lane, which showed a 
purchase of ten thousand Honduras at 79J-. Nothing 
but this purchase-note could be found. 



218 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTER XLV. 

THE WONDERFUL SHIPS THAT WERE TO SAIL ACROSS 
THE LAND ON WHEELS. 

The next morning Bubchook went to call on Messrs. 
Bullbait and Bearpickle, at their office in Size Lane, 
Trucklebury. Having stated his business, he was 
shown into the partners' private room. He asked 
whether they remembered the transaction. They 
did perfectly well. The gentleman wanted high 
interest. Did they know of any Bonds ? They did. 
In fact they had kept Mr. Silas Snoad's Bonds for 
him from the first and collected the dividends. 

" Had no idea Mr. Snoad was dead," said Bullbait, 
with bland and deferential air. " Very sad affair that 
failure of the Great Ship Loan, to transport vessels 
of enormous tonnage from sea to sea on wheels, yes, 
sir, on iron wheels and rails. Ah ! there was true 
financial genius. " 

" Yes," chimed in Bearpickle, "and the loan would 
have been floated but for this. They were penny 
wise and pound foolish. Had the great financier's 
bribe been big enough, had money been more freely 
given to touts and scribblers, it would have been a 
grand success. ~No scheme has ever seized my fancy 
so. Huge ships, their sails all set, and steam up 
too, careering on the iron path at fifty miles an 
hour. Why, sir, the man who first originated that 
idea deserves a statue quite as much as he who made 
the first steam-engine, or discovered circulation of 
the blood." 

" Of course the country promptly avenged this 
insult to its credit and its enterprise, and stopped its 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 219 

dividends. I think the country was quite right, don't 
you, Bullbait ? " 

" Most certainly/' said he. " Unfortunate for Mr. 
Snoad. that is, I beg your pardon, sir, his wife. What 
is the price now of the stock ? My clerk shall run 
and see." 

He ran and saw, and said the price was nominally 
2-4, but nothing doing in the stock. This was the 
mystery. No wonder the poor man dare not inform 
his wife. Especially when the dividends and all the 
boasted rate of interest — were stopped. He had 
eight thousand pounds. His 10,000 so-called stock 
was nominally worth £200 now. 

Bubchook was taken quite aback. He quite for- 
got his sister, and thought only of himself. While 
he was poring over books and papers at the Goat and 
Compasses, rummaging and ferreting, North British 
had slipped up to 110J. 



CHAPTEE XLVI. 

THE RISE IN NORTH BRITISH CONTINUES. 

The ex-M.P. still tried to put a bold face on the 
matter, still vowed that he would sell as long as the 
rise might last. But brokers like Nathaniel Seesaw 
are not children. I could see the man was frightened 
now, and as he told me all about the Honduras affair, 
and I could see that money was not very plentiful, 
I thought it time to draw the rein, to put him off, in 
fact do anything but quarrel with the man. I felt it 
would not do for him to sell when the top was nearly 
reached, and as a flaming article came out that week 



220 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

about the line, I was a little bit afraid that it would 
fall. Somehow these articles are so unfortunate. 
They almost always come out just too late. 

That very morning I received a letter from a Glas- 
gow dealing friend, who knew the moves, and as I 
sent him business, he sometimes gave a hint to me. 
I'll give it to you. 

21 Riggers' Road, Glasgow. 

My Dear Seesaw, — 

" There is nothing much doing in our market. 
New Caledonian shares are worth looking after. 
They are so light to hold in event of anything going 
wrong, and are much cheaper than the old stock, to 
say nothing of carrying over. There is still some 
good buying of British, though the market seems 
hesitating. They say 120, and then a relapse ; but 
don't sell a bear on the drop. The same party are 
going to put the stock on a level with the Midland, 
and then offer to make terms. If you have any 
clients who can afford to lose, keep them in as bears, 
it will help the market. You could take the book 
yourself and so keep the money in the House. But if 
you want to get any out, do so, for I certainly believe 
that if politics keep right, the stock will soon be at 
130, and I know the traffics are meant to be good. 
" Yours very truly, 

" Alexander Mc Wheedle." 

This was a lucky chance. I could show Bubchook 
this if other arts should fail. Despair makes human 
nature obstinate sometimes. 

Before the evening of that day the stock had risen 
to 113 J. Next morning, about ten o'clock, my bear 
came in. His head was very sore. With bland and 
sympathizing look I took him into my own private 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 221 

room, my little fly-trap, as I called it to myself, and 
shut the door. Ah me ! how many flies had I shut 
in that little room ! 

If ever in the course of my whole life I felt my 
bosom swell with the pride of conscious merit, it was 
then, when I saw my Bubchook, as it were a fish, so 
nearly gasping on the bank, his money coming fast, 
into my till, the blown up sailors well avenged. 

"Dear sir," said I to him, "your losses in Peru 
were large, but these will be much larger, I'm afraid. 
I can assure you these repeated losses weigh upon my 
mind ; although of course a broker can't advise. It 
always seems to me when clients lose, as if I were 
myself to blame. My partner is now getting old, and 
I shall give this speculative business up, and look up 
the investing clients more. I really thought with all 
your perseverance and your pluck you would have 
made ' this bear come right. Bat though I can't 
advise, I really must not see you being ruined 
thus. 

Said Bubchook, — 

" I believe this is the highest point the stock will 
reach." 

" How many times we have thought so, dear sir. 
Has it ever struck you how much will pay 5 per cent, 
upon this stock ? Or how much stock there is ?" 

" Not I," said he ; " I don't believe in figures ; I am 
told they always lead one wrong " 

"I know 'Outsiders' always argue so; but we do 
pay attention to the figures, and in this case I will 
tell you why. There is only about 3,800,000 of the 
stock. £160,000 pays rather more than 4 per cent, 
per annum on the ordinary stock. After 4 per cent, 
has been paid, the Edinburgh and Glasgow takes 1 per 



222 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

cent, more than the ordinary North British, as it is 
a preferred ordinary stock. But about 62,000 would 
give one per cent, more dividend both to the ordinary 
North British and the Edinburgh and Glasgow. 

"Now it takes more than £1,500,000 to pay a 5 
per cent, dividend on the ordinary stock of the 
London and North- Western, so that a child may 
see that when times are bad a stock like North 
British must suffer very quickly, and benefit quite 
as quickly when they are good. And more, as the 
stock is so small, and a good deal of it held in little 
parcels by people who have a free pass, which in bad 
times may be regarded as a sort of dividend, and as 
some trustees hold for persons now dead who bought 
at higher prices, there is every temptation for a large 
capitalist to force it up even beyond its proper price, 
but next to no inducement to sell it until it has 
reached the highest point attainable. 

" What you want to know is this. Is it near its 
highest point ? Has it good times to look to in the 
immediate future ? I must confess I think it has. 
I have received a letter from a very keen dealer in 
Glasgow, who seems to think it will go much better. 



CHAPTEE XLVII. 



THE MISTAKEN VIEWS OF OUTSIDE SPECULATORS. 

MR. OCTAVIUS MARMADUKE BUBCHOOK CLOSES HIS 
BEAR. 

"Most outside speculators, my dear Mr. Bubchook, 
make this mistake. If a stock has been low for 
years and paid no dividend, or if, as in this case, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 223 

the price has often been much in advance of the 
actual dividend and apparent prospects, they say 
at once, ' Oh ! it is a rig,' and sell a bear. The 
reason why the price has been so much in advance 
of the dividend is that the holder knew that when 
the good time came it would be very good. 

" You gentlemen outside generally have an imagi- 
nary* range of fluctuation for each stock you deal 
in, and you form that idea from the past fluctuations 
you have known. This sort of experience is often 
very delusive. 

" What you ought to do is, not to look behind, but 
keep your head in front ; try to diagnose the pros- 
pects of the next half-year when papers are informing 
you of this ; form a fair estimate yourself of what 
the probabilities are of a further rise or fall ; look at 
the amount of stock, the wealth and the stability of 
those who hold the shares — to any expected events 
which are likely to benefit the line in the immediate 
future, as in the case of this North British, the com- 
pletion of the Tay Bridge, the accession of traffic soon 
to come from the extension of the Midland to Car- 
lisle. 

" Then buy yourself a little stock (not 5,000 at a 
time) when markets are all flat. As for selling 
what you have not got, I don't much think you'll 
ever do any good with that unless you are a jobber 
in the House, or a director who can sell his own 
stock, take the contango, and not deliver at all, but 
buy back when it suits. A splendid business is 
done so. There are plenty of ways of avoiding the 
director's name appearing on a contract note. As 
for those traffic-books, don't trust too much to them. 
The traffic returns are not made closely by the 



22i YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

companies, and if yon draw your dividend con- 
clusions thence you won't be often right. Because it 
is not meant you should. They're like the tape, they 
help us more than you." 

"But can you trust your information ?" said my 
man to me. "I see too late that mine was but a 
snare." 

And then I read to him the portion of Mc- 
Wheedle's letter that referred to the North British 
stock. 

The ex-M.P. for Kottenboro', after reading this 
letter, turned a trifle pale. Although an " Outside 
Fool," he knew that when one thief writes to another 
confidentially he does not tell his brother lies. The 
pallor was succeeded by a scowl of most malignant 
hate and rage, and hoarse with passion, Bubchook 
cried, — 

"Ten thousand curses on the riggers and their 
tricks. This loss has hit me very hard." 

" I thought as much," said I unto myself. " The 
lemon's nearly squeezed quite dry. I should not 
mind a qliarrel now." 

" Well, I suppose that I must close," said he. " Go 
buy them back; and do your best, for goodness' 



The stock had glided up to 119. Was not that 
Providence ? With heart as light as that of swain 
who goes to meet his lady-love, I hurried off to 
close my Bubchook's bear. I bought the British 
back at just § more than the market price, for was 
he not too much excited to correct the price ? and 
was I not an instrument of Providence ? and had he 
not lost all he had to lose ? There was no answer- 
ing these arguments. Like one half frantic Bub- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 225 

chook rushed away. Of course the stock went back ; 
it always does when large bears close. How is it 
that the jobbers know so well your means, your 
temper, and what pressure you require, dear " Out- 
side Fools/' to make you act ? They never see you. 
No, but very often they see us. If we don't speak, 
we have masonic signs. 



CHAPTEE XL VIII. 



THE PROFITS AND LOSSES OF O. M. BUBCHOOK, ESQ., 
AND HOW HE SOLD HIS LOMBARD SHARES. 

I cannot give you my client Bubchook's accounts 
made out in broker's form. There are so many to 
make out. 

The total loss and profit will be quite enough, 
and the commission is included in the price. No 
income tax is taken from the dividend. It's not 
worth while to be so mathematical. 

0. M. Bubchook, Esq., in account with Messrs. Seesaw 

and Turnabout. 

1. Sold 5,000 North British Eailway at 77| 
Bought ditto . . .119 



2. Sold 5,000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 

3. Sold 5,000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 

4. Sold 5^000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 

5. Sold 5,000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 



Difference £2,075 

84 

82J 
Profit . £75 

85 
119 
Difference £1,700 

83 
119 
Difference £1,800 

97 

95 



K* 



226 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



6. Sold 5,000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 

7. Sold 5,000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 

8. Sold 5,000 ditto at 
Bought ditto 



Profit . £100 

. 89} 

. 119 
Difference £1,487 10 

. 104£ 

. 119 
Difference £706 5 

. 107f 

. 119 
Difference £562 10 



An average of § contango was received by my 
client, from which has to be deducted my -| or half 
commission for carrying over. No contango is reck- 
oned on the two bargains closed at a profit, as they 
were not carried over. 

His profits were therefore these : — 

J contango on 30,000 stock, amounting to £75 each 
account for seven months — £1,050. 

Seventy-five pounds from closing the second bear. 

One hundred pounds from closing the fifth bear. 

With your permission, dear " Outside Fools," I 
will substitute the word " differences" for " losses." 
Our committee does not like the word " loss." It is 
startling to the clients. 





£ 8. 


Total differences 


. 2,075 


u u 


. 1,700 


i( (C 


. 1,800 


U (C 


. 1,487 10 


(i " 


706 5 



562 10 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 227 

Include £600 for half-year's dividend at 4 
per cent., which of course a bear must 
pay . . . . . 600 



8,931 5 
Include the previous loss in Peru . . 6,731 5 



15,662 10 



So that of the £20,000 which he possessed at first 
through defrauding his creditors, there was left 
£4,337 10s. Of this, however, he had lost £1,750 in 
Lombard Obligations, so that all he had was £2,587 
10s. for himself and wife to live upon. Another 
broker told me of this Lombard episode. He held a 
thousand Obligations, and as I was out of town he 
went to Straddle and Cover, of Shoe Horse Lane, in 
great alarm, on that memorable morning when the 
great Misleading Age, with its most wonderful arith- 
metic, so startled all investors in these Lombard 
Obligations and shares. They told him if the article 
were true that they would drop to 5 or 6. So this 
ship-knacker, like so many much more honest folk, 
was frightened out at 8f , the very lowest price. 
Well done ! Messrs. Straddle and Cover ! Not so bad 
for you. 

Then thought I to myself, " How very odd. The 
lowest price was on the morning when this article 
came out, not when the nation had had time to read 
and think and sell. There must have been some 
knowing bears, for on the article and momentary fall 
the buying was so very good." 

Said I to Pinto, when I read that article, — 

" Ah, Pinto ! what a pity all this blunder is so 
wasted here. If I were a Leviathan and you the 



228 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

scribe how nicely we could work. I should have 
gone to you and said, " These Lombards are now 
nearly low enough. They are good stuff, especially 
the Obligations. They'll stand a bang. There's a 
great quantity of those same Obligations, Mr. Pinto, 
is there not ? A very great, a dangerous quantity. 
Let's see, I have a cheque for you. I trust no fool 
will think of writing down those Obligations. 
'Twould be a pity, for investors are such fools." 

Then Pinto would have taken up his cheque, and I 
my hat; next day he would have written, on his 
own responsibility, observe, an article confusing 
figures to the tune of many millions. While the 
panic was still on, I should step in and buy, and 
so would Pinto, just to keep the market up, you 
know, for fear investors should be ruined quite. 
And so the tree would have been shaken well by 
accident, and we should have picked up much fruit. 
What a pity in this case the men were such philan- 
thropists. 

This banging of good stocks, that lately has come 
into vogue, is not so dangerous as puffing rotten ones, 
though more pernicious in effect. In the one case, 
many greedy " Fools " learnt that high interest 
means bad security. But in this latter, real inves- 
tors who are sober, honest people are knocked out 
for interested rogues to buy. Learn, " Outside 
Fools," that bearing down the good with big men's 
aid is quite as easy and as profitable as puffing bad to 
sell. Oh, what fun to be a City editor ! How soon 
would Pinto's salary of seven or eight hundred pounds 
have grown into three or four thousand pounds a 
year ! 

Now, as I was an honest thief, dear " Outside 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 229 

Fools," and not ashamed of it, these were my 
thoughts, and these were Pinto's, too. 

But I must caution you, dear " Outside Fools," 
that strange coincidences will oft occur, and that 
although this article was soon corrected, which 
correction brought a further rise (when I and Pinto 
should have sold had we been principals), it was no 
doubt but a coincidence, and don't believe that City 
editors can bear to live in such good style, and pay 
with cheques sub rosd sent. I never will believe 
such calumnies. That Paraguay affair has no effect 
on me. Avaunt ! with your dark hints, you are a 
pessimist. I cannot bear your tribe. You can pull 
down, but you all build up nothing else instead. 



CHAPTEE XLIX. 



THE MORAL OF MR. BUBCHOOK'S HISTORY AND DEATH, 
WITH MRS. BUBCHOOK'S CURIOUS REMARKS. 

Ye " Outside Fools," first get to know the sort of 
stock you're dealing in. Study the chances for a 
rise or fall. But if the rise or fall be caused by 
money articles, buy more if you're a bull, sell more 
if you're a bear. The chances are recovery will 
ensue, even if it does not last. That's how the 
jobbers act inside. Just cast an eye over the 
monthly fluctuations in our English Eails for some 
three years and strike the average. You'll find a 
part of the fall is almost always recovered in the 
same month, and so a portion of a rise is lost. What 
business have you to suppose for a penny or for 
threepence you can buy such information as will 



230 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

make you money upon 'Change ? Have more faith 
in yourselves and in hard work. 

I did not see Octavius after this, but when I was at 
Brighton once, I called to ask him how he was, and 
this is what I learnt. He had gone to his account. 
Some time before I called, he came home in a hansom 
cab. The horse had glanders, and gave him the 
same in milder form. The doctor said a change 
would do him good. They did not like this strange 
complaint, it's so infectious ; so he went to see some 
friends in Lancashire. I quite forget the place. He 
caught the foot-and-mouth disease. Don't laugh, ye 
" Outside Pools." It is a fact. The air conveyed it 
to the cows ; the cows conveyed it to their milk ; the 
milk conveyed it to Bubchook. His own wife told 
me so. Poor lady, she is of Eevivalistic turn of mind, 
and does not seem to think the glory of the woman is 
her hair, — or something else's, — for woman's extra 
hair is got from funny sources now. Soon after I had 
called, she came into the room with capless head, 
which seemed more like a bladder of lard than any- 
thing besides. This hairless lady quaintly said to 
me, with air severe and frosty tone, — 

" It behoves us all to ponder these things well. 
The cows' milk is the instrument ordained to check 
man's pride, and stay the surplus population's growth, 
and maybe it will spread into a plague. I hope 
you're ready, if these times should come," said she. 

I said good morning to this awful creature, whose 
head, though like a bladder of lard outside, was 
filled with things quite different within, and I was 
glad to get away. That woman's words and look 
spoilt my digestion for a month. 

Now, what's the moral of this tale ? 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 231 

1. Don't bear improving properties. 

2. Don't bear a stock tbat's small, and, better still, 
don't bear at all. 

3. Don't try to blow up sailors in a rotten ship, 
for they will be avenged, 

4. Don't sell good stocks when you have read the 
money articles, bat keep an average of these same 
articles' effect on price. 

5. Don't ride in hansom cabs without examining 
the horse. 

6. Don't drink bad milk, you'd better far drink 
beer. 



CHAPTEE L. 



DR. SANA MENS 



AND RELIGION. 



My doctor, Sana Mens, whom Mrs. Bubchook forced 
me to attend again, says this about the plague idea. 

If poor, don't wed too soon, or if you do, keep 
MH&EN A TAN hung up in your rooms both night 
and day. Wash well, drain well, don't over-eat or 
over-drink, look to your ventilation, boil and filter 
all the water that you drink, try hard to break that 
secret league that is so often formed between the 
dust-contractor and the vestry-man, for if you don't 
the plague won't stop at milk, nor yet at foot and 
month. A little more morality would do no harm. 
More healthy exercise and less three volume trashy 
novel narcotism is wanted much. 

Now if, dear " Outside Fools," you can see even in 
a plague the presence of a wise necessity, if you 



232 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

can recognise that fact, to one who deeply thinks, so 
comforting, that man is but a worm compared with 
what our God can make, and doubtless has already 
made — if you can see that the good of the greatest 
number is the aim and purpose of whatever happens 
here, and that the few must bow to that, don't waste 
your money on this book, you are no " Outside Fool.'' 
Or if your heart is very large, and you are filled 
with pity for your fellow-creatures' sufferings, which 
day by day increase, as hungry babies faster come, 
and butchers still charge more and more, give up 
your fuming and your fretting, your attitudinizing 
and grimacing, your whisky-warring and your idle 
preaching, your fatal gospel of " get on at any price" 
and use your surplus energy to think out some grand 
plan to cheapen meat, or stay the swelling army of 
invading babes. Give up your shallow and con- 
ceited strictures upon this or that form of narcotic 
which poor human nature and, God knows how often, 
human misery requires. 

Sincere fanatics are themselves but narcotized with 
false enthusiasm. Gough's eloquent appeals and 
Father Matthew's earnestness made men a little 
struck and stupefied with fresh narcotic for a time, 
but only till the new excitement wore away. 

Good men will often narcotize themselves with 
an enthusiastic hope of saving souls by thousands at 
a time. 

This fond enthusiasm will make them push one 
Scripture rule too far, and fewer souls will in the end 
be saved, not more. Sensational dramatic preachers, 
whose own text is this, " Man's nature will have 
something startling, something new" do harm, not good, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 233 

by working on secretions so and overbalancing the 
reason of their audience. 

Christ ought to be their model, not an actor on the 
stage. 

The old crusaders were but drunk with fierce 
fanaticism, and the fighting instincts of robust rough 
health. 

The infidel still holds Jerusalem. The revenue 
from drink increases every year. We ought to pause 
before we say, " My little sect's views are not right 
for me alone, but also right for all these millions who 
hold different views." 

Wherever there is education there is tolerance. 
Men ever will suspect, and they are mostly right, 
that with these fierce invectives, this rash zeal and 
straining after novelty in the religious world, there's 
blent a wish to pose before an audience, as being 
better than the rest. 

The devil has no stronger fort, and none so diffi- 
cult to take as Castle EGO is. 

Is it not harder to have faith and keep on work- 
ing quietly and calmly than to blindly grasp at some 
sensational ideal — to drink some sweet imaginative 
anodyne, which is to lull your intellect and take you 
in a kind of moral stupefaction up to heaven. 

Try this narcotic, it is very safe. 

Identify yourself with some pursuit that does a 
little good, or does as little harm as possible. 

Believe that happiness is where you are, wherever 
that may be. Lose thought of self in your pursuit, 
no matter whether it be sweeping chimneys out or 
writing poetry. 

Get drunk with this narcotic, and you'll be as 
happy as a man is meant to be upon this earth. 



234 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

It is what other people think you ought to think 
and speak and do that makes so many miserable. 
Yes, many more than pain or want or real grief. 

T like this Sana Mens' idea of cheapening meat, 
there is so much romance connected with cheap 
butcher's meat. Yes, practical romance and not 
Quixotic castles in the air. 

This cursed competition is invading 'Change, 
though we are all protected so. 

Tis " Dog eat Dog " at least thrice in the week. 
Ask any broker, he will tell you so. 



CHAPTER LI. 

THE CURIOUS HISTORY OF A CLERICAL GUINEA PIG. 

The Rev. Josiah Fetchem was what is termed, 
somewhat irreverently to my mind, a Clerical 
Guinea Pig. Now I opine, your Worships and your 
Reverences, that this term implies a sort of moveable 
pillar of the Church, who for a guinea or more will 
hold forth, argue, and dispute upon any orthodox 
subject, in any pulpit for any other stationary pillar 
of the Church. 

Now as an " Outside Lay Fool " myself, I should 
have imagined these Guinea Pigs to have been 
gentlemen, not only more versed in the ways of 
the world from moving about more than their 
stationary clerical brethren among their fellow- 
creatures, but also more charitable, and more free 
from that high -stomached conceit which is so liable 
to environ a man and imprison his better judgment 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 235 

and understanding when he vegetates in the nar- 
row though sacred precincts of a country rectory or 
vicarage. I speak not, your Worships and your 
Reverences, of the great towns, for there a man's 
angularities and eccentricities, his hobby-horses, and 
his prejudices get so knocked about and attenuated, 
so rubbed out of the man, that very often you would 
scarcely know him from a common layman, except 
that he so frequently wears the same livery as a 
footman, always excepting the calves, for in that 
particular no doubt your Worships will be ready to 
allow that Jeames is facile jprinceps. But your 
Reverences must be well aware that in the country 
it is generally very different. The parson is often 
there a sort of petty prince. He is not only the 
repository of religious knowledge, but the repre- 
sentative of the magisterial power. It is an event 
if he take a drive round the parish ; it is also an 
event if he stop at home. An intimate clerical 
friend of mine, whose acquaintance I first made 
through some dealing in East Lovell Mining shares, 
by name St. John Thorestherpe, who is the Vicar 
of Great Gedneydake-cum-Sutterby le Marsh, in 
Huntingshire, has often declared to me that he 
sometimes feels uncomfortable because of the great 
responsibilities connected with his vicarial dominion, 
for he affirms that, should he be so unfortunate as to 
have an attack of bilious colic, or an influenza cold, 
the whble parish would be straightway seriously 
alarmed ; while if Samuel Stubble has a dispute 
with William Thatch, or if Susannah Twitch should 
fall out with Jane Hodge about the veriest trifle, 
he is sure to be appealed to to settle the difference. 
This vicar of Great Gedneydake-cum-Sutterby le 



236 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Marsh is a parson of the old school. He likes his 
glass of port, and his rubber at whist, is a good 
shot even now at seventy years of age, and has 
only just given up fox-hunting. And it is pre- 
cisely because he is this sort of man and possesses 
a kind heart and liberal hand that he has gained 
that autocratic power, the responsibilities of which 
he seems so afraid of. St. John Thorestherpe has an 
ample bow window to his vicarage, and to his person 
too, and preaches a better sermon than I have often 
heard your Worships and your Eeverences do in 
town. This vicar is an excellent illustration of the 
Mens Sana in Corpore Sano, and even rustics are 
quick enough to perceive any truth worth picking 
up when it is to be found in their neighborhood. 
My friend really thinks that he is no better than 
the villagers, as a man, and acts on his belief, and 
that is the key to his influence over the parishioners. 
I myself, when visiting once, heard a farm laborer 
say to another, " Whoy, Bill, ower St. John be more 
loike a Wesleyun or a Baptest than a Church parson, 
he be so free with a man loike." Yes, your Worships 
and your Eeverences, it is this geniality of manner 
and easiness of access that brings the Wesley ans 
and Baptists so many proselytes. I fear there are 
but few country parishes that have an " ower St. 
John " to teach the simple folk so much by showing 
them how little difference there is 'twixt man and 
man, and by this modest excellence and ready sym- 
pathy to prop a tottering Church, so split up into 
rival creeds as ours is, unhappily. Too often in the 
agricultural districts the word " Eector " means no 
more than a great scholar d or receiver of great 
tithes, and many of the humbler parishioners never 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 237 

come into the clerical presence except at church, a 
marriage, christening, or a burial. 

When such is the attitude of men who receive 
from one to two thousand a year, and even more 
sometimes, when the whole parish often does not 
contain more souls than pounds it brings into the 
rectorial or vicarial coffers, what wonder that a self- 
supporting Church should find support among the 
thoughtful part of the community? What won- 
der, when fanatic zealots, for a creed which they 
themselves and not their Bible limits so, insult our 
common-sense and decency by offering Dissent the 
burial of suicides and murderers, that men say, 
" Disestablish such a Church f " When landlords 
will not let their farms to tenants who support 
Dissent — when zeal makes working men forge 
tickets to control the sense of meetings held by 
other sects — when clergymen are not content with 
simply not electing female teachers duly qualified 
to a Board School but must hurl texts of Scripture 
at the applicant, and publish their grim jokes in 
papers of the day, where is religious liberty ? Ob- 
serve, your Worships and your Eeverences, these 
few besotted bigots, for I trust they are not nume- 
rous, bring sullying stains upon your cloth that 
charity alone can wash away. Can texts of Scrip- 
ture not be found to fling at any sect ? But what 
have I to do with this ? Let me return to my 
Josiah. 



238 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTER LIL 

SHOWING HOW TO CATCH AN OLD MAN IN THE 
MATRIMONIAL NET. 

Unlike many more worthy Guinea Pigs, the Eev. 
Josiah Fetchem had means of his own ; for he had 
by his smooth fresh face and oily tongue so be- 
witched or bewizarded an aged maiden lady that 
she left him all she had, to the great disgust of her 
relations, who vainly tried to get the will set aside 
upon the plea of her insanity. 

In the case of these strange wills and grotesque 
legacies, where does insanity begin ? 

I often think the devil is well served in this respect 
by the English law. 

Some poor old man in feeble health and with fast- 
failing faculties is snapped up by a keen professional 
whose power to scent a widower with money is 
simply wonderful. It would not matter if the hussy 
with her full-blown venal charms cared for her aged 
swain, but next to never is it so. 

A very different role she has to play. 

She must first make the old man think himself 
neglected by his relatives. This is the best card that 
she has to play. Then she should narcotize him by 
insidious winning smiles that may mean all or no- 
thing, and pay him small attentions, thoughtfully 
arranged. The contrast will be sure to tell if those 
at home neglect the same. She should profess to 
have discovered that her aged swain is delicate, and 
would do well to choose some fancied malady that's 
interesting and respectable, for there is much in that. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 239 

Avoid disease below the belt. Prefer the lungs. 
It's better form in good society. 

Let her profess warm friendship for the daughters 
of the house, if there be any ; but when they're away, 
she then may damn them with faint praise, or 
dexterously vilify by innuendo and by hint. It's 
wonderful how much more powerful to harm this 
sort of praise and these vague hints are found to be 
than open blame. The poison churns and works 
within the hearer's thoughts, like yeast in bread, 
while open censure startles and ofttimes develops 
feelings of downright antagonism. Man is a fighting 
animal, and if you say, — 

" Yes, black is black," and emphasize the is, he'll 
feel inclined to say, u It isn't, it is white to me some- 
times." 

So, then, you hunters after widowers, be bland 
and gentle in your manners, as Nathaniel See- 
saw always is to pigeons which he shortly means 
to pluck. Let nothing put you out of temper, wear 
a happy, infantine, and placid look. You'd be sur- 
prised how this serenity of temper and face will 
soothe and charm an old swain's mind, when his 
digestion's weak, or when there is acidity about the 
frame, or just a twinge or two of gout. Act thus, 
and you will soon become a necessary piece of furni- 
ture. Next grow a trifle distant, come more seldom 
to his house. He soon will ask the reason of this 
change. Then, with that air of fearless candor, and 
that child-like innocence which, whether in the 
private house or broker's office, the true artist can 
assume at will, appear to show him all your heart. 
Say with a graceful sigh, — 

" Ah, me, I fear I cannot trust myself. In spite 



240 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

of the disparity in years, our tastes are so congenial, 
our dispositions are so similar.' ' 

If this be not enough, let fall vague hints about the 
neighbors' tattle, and imply that even now you are 
a little compromised. If there be one small spark of 
generous feeling in the old man's bosom, if the merest 
phantom of an amatory thought lurk there, your fish 
will soon lie gasping on the bank. And even if no 
spark be kindled in that arid breast, the fear of 
damages will do the trick. Your aged lover will 
have not forgotten all those pleasant little "Artful 
Hussy Episodes,'" which even now-a-days divert us in 
our daily papers so. Then throw your arms around 
the old man's neck — you really must — his blood is 
poor— and vow you love his children as himself. I 
swear that as I give you this advice, I feel as though 
a client waited for my operating and artistic touch. 

There, Madam, take these golden hints, and, if you 
don't catch some old doting swain, who's longing to 
be narcotized with your quack Senile Soothing Syrup, 
never will Nathaniel Seesaw read a client's thoughts 
again. Madam, you are my friend. We always love 
those whom we've done a favor to, 'tis those we owe 
one to we shun. I have conferred a favor upon 
you ; I take a pride in your success ; good-bye, good 
luck. 

And when you've caught a fish, then think of me 
and my advice. 

" And serve the old fool right," I think you said, 
dear sir ? 

Ah! that's uncharitable, and shows an ignorance 
of human nature too. I cannot see it so. The man 
is not to blame. Poor soul! He thinks it will be 
good for all, and means quite right. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 241 

Why should not one who ha3 not long to live try- 
to obtain what may prove to be happiness ? Why 
not indeed? "Because it harms his family," you 
say. He does not think it will. But, then, he ought 
to think it will. Ah ! now you're in reforming Fools' 
Utopian land. I leave you there to dream. My dear 
sir, you will very likely be laid gasping on the bank 
yourself. Why, had I not my Clara and her husband 
living in the house with me, although I know the 
wiles so well, I very likely should be hooked myself. 

But somebody must be to blame. Xo, not some- 
body, but something. In all these cases self-sufficient 
fools split on this rock They blame the person not 
the thing. The huntress only follows what's her 
natural game, although she hunts sometimes in a 
nasty narrow-minded sort of way. It is the law, dear 
" Outside Fools." that is at fault. It gives the man 
the power to make himself an ass. It gives the woman 
the power to turn the children out of doors. In this 
respect in France they manage better than we English 
do. Eeform the law. Just so on 'Change. Reform 
the system, don't attack the men. We brokers shall 
feel grateful to the man who finds a way to circum- 
scribe our power to cheat. We shall have less temp- 
tation then. I'm sure we have too much as things 
are now, and if a man can stand against it, he de- 
serves a higher place than any " Outside Fool." 
Have you not noticed how a broker always tells his 
clients when he has a -chance to keep away? We 
have, say "Outside Fools;" but then he knows we 
can't. There's room for thought in that reply, dear 
" Outside Fools." 



242 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE LIIL 

THE FAVORITE FORM IN WHICH THE EVIL ONE 
TEMPTS HOLY MEN TO SPECULATE. 

Now although, by his great physical recommenda- 
tions, our Guinea Pig had not only obtained, but, in 
spite of the relatives of the deceased lady, maintained 
his legal right to enjoy and spend as he elected the 
sum of six thousand pounds sterling, yet not disliking 
the change of scene and pulpit connected with his 
vocation, and, considering rectorial and vicarial de- 
ference a thing not to be lightly esteemed, he deter- 
mined to remain a Guinea Pig. 

It is a singular fact, to which I would draw the 
attention of your lordships of the bench episcopal, 
that when Satan wishes to tempt a holy man to 
speculate, he almost always takes a British or a 
Foreign Mine, or else a Mahometan Bond as the in- 
strument of his unholy plan. 

Now, your lordships, it is notorious that if a bishop, 
rector, or vicar were requested to explain, sermonize 
upon, or denounce from their pulpit the increasing 
evils of speculation, and the peculiar seductions of 
mammon in this wise, they would each and all be 
sadly at a nonplus, through an almost total ignorance 
of the subject ; nay, there exists among these apostles 
an almost universal, and, to the laity, an incompre- 
hensible disposition to plead that money is too low 
and base a subject for the greatness of ecclesiastical 
wisdom to concern itself with. And yet this money 
is the root of all evil, and most good. And further, 
I would pray your Lordships to observe that the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 243 

enemies of the Church do assert that this position is 
neither logical nor tenable, for that in all matters 
connected with this so base and despicable a thing 
termed money, the apostles, luminaries, pillars and 
other officiating members of the Church do possess 
and display on all fit and suitable occasions a most 
commendable intelligence respecting the accurate 
value of this same base " money." 

And that, therefore, in the present schismatic and 
dangerously zymotic condition of the Church, when 
malicious persons are ever waiting to discover a 
flaw in the so nearly invulnerable armor of the 
great generals and Captains of the Christian army 
of the Church militant, it is to be much deplored 
that your Lordships and Eeverences have unwisely 
taken shelter under this assumed ecclesiastical or 
ecclesiastico-philosophical disdain of money. 

Again. Some captious spirits have alleged that 
it is upon record that although our transatlantic 
cousins have, of late years, in that generous and 
self-denying spirit for which they are so justly 
famed, presented to the British public a series of 
magnificent investment prizes, and that although 
the magnates of finance have, in a true spirit of 
self-abnegation and philanthropy, allowed the public 
to participate freely in their gigantic usurious un- 
dertakings with Mahometan and Moslem countries, 
yet that it is upon record that not one single 
pastoral or letter has been addressed by your Lord- 
ships to your clergy either drawing attention to 
the vast advantages — or, with the superior wisdom 
and decision for which your Lordships are so remark- 
able, pointing out any disadvantages connected with 



244 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

these dazzling and gigantic schemes, prizes, and 
undertakings. 

And these same captious spirits do further allege 
that, paradoxical as it may appear, although your 
Lordships, and their Eeverences, following the 
example of your Lordships, have shown this 
singular reticence and indifference with regard to 
your congregations' welfare on these important 
matters, yet that your clergy have shown a more 
than lively personal interest in the above-mentioned 
philanthropic operations, and have contributed in 
no small degree to float, support, and maintain the 
credit of the countries who have so nobly afforded 
them the chance of lending their base money to 
such holy usurers at so high a rate of interest. 
To a liberal mind it should doubtless appear to be a 
commendable and Christian proceeding to secure 
from these lost Mahometans this same high rate, and 
had the security continued to be undoubted I should 
not have ventured to address your Lordships on so 
wide and difficult a theme. But seeing that, from the 
many opportunities afforded by my position as one 
who continually comes into such close contact with 
this filthy lucre, I well know how severe the losses 
are that have been recently sustained by your Lord- 
ships' clergy as well as by their congregations, 
through their ignorance of the whole subject of 
investment and the properties of the root of all evil, 
which ignorance is increased by your ecclesiastico- 
philosphical indifference to the same all-important 
subjects, I should certainly be failing in my duty if 
I did not humbly, and with all that deference due 
from an Outside Lay Fool to an Inside Clerical Apostle, 
place before you certain suggestions which my 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 245 

brother brokers and jobbers all fully endorse, as being 
serviceable to yourselves, and your clergy in partic- 
ular, and to the religious community in general. 



CHAPTER LIV. 

CERTAIN VALUABLE SUGGESTIONS OFFERED BY NA- 
THANIEL SEESAW, ESQ., THE REPRESENTATIVE OF 
THE BROKERS AND JOBBERS OF THE STOCK EX- 
CHANGE, TO THE BISHOPS AND CLERGY OF GREAT 
BRITAIN. 

We, the brokers and jobbers of the London Stock 
Exchange, through our authorized representative, 
Nathaniel Seesaw, Esq., suggest that your Lordships 
do memorialize the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge, 
London, Dublin, and any others you may think 
advisable, and pray their chancellors and vice-chan- 
cellors, their fellows and professors, to contribute 
liberally to the founding and establishing of profes- 
sional chairs, to the end that all under-graduates 
specially and the outer world generally may derive 
from the professors' learned lectures and lucubra- 
tions a full and exhaustive account of the direct and 
indirect causes of speculation, the theoretical and 
practical working of the " Boot of all Evil" especi- 
ally when possessed in a quiet abnormal quantity by 
the great magnets of finance. For, your Lordships 
and Eeverences, we, the brokers and jobbers of the 
London Stock Exchange, have observed with regret 
and indignation that certain Eadical reformers do 
basely insinuate that these universities, the great 
storehouses and sources of all learning of any prac- 



246 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

tical utility, shelter and maintain within their august 
and time-honored walls in luxury and conservative 
comfort numerous pundits, who have no more idea 
of what is meant by a bull or a bear, or a put or a 
call, than Tristram Shandy's Uncle Toby had of the 
meaning conveyed by the phrase, " The right or the 
wrong end of a woman." 

And that although they exhibit this philosophical 
ignorance of or indifference to money, still they 
declare that there is more " Eoot of Evil " possessed 
by these national institutions than they know how 
to put to a proper and productive use. 

Now, if your Lordships and your Reverences con- 
descend to adopt our suggestions, the mouths of 
these slanderous detractors will be stopped for very 
shame, when they behold how the learned lecturers 
and professors do argue, dispute, discuss, elucidate, 
and explain, respecting the uses and abuses of 
" money," and how through their noble efforts reason 
is once more enabled to become victorious over the 
wiles and snares, the tricks and chicaneries of 
"Aggregated Capital " in financial hands. 

And we would further respectfully suggest that 
the vernacular be substituted for that semi-barbarous 
and monkish Latin which designates many of your 
proceedings at the universities, and prevents them 
being easily understood by those who, like our- 
selves, have not been fortunate enough to have 
received the inestimable boon of a university educa- 
tion. For that those of us who have a smattering 
of Latin feel persuaded that Cicero himself — 
we beg your worships' pardon, Kikero — would have 
been ashamed to adopt such Latin, in the same 
degree as we are ashamed when we are compelled, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 247 

through the thin attendance of " Outside Fools," to 
have recourse to that barbarous " Canine Canni- 
balism," in plain English, the objectionable proceed- 
ing of "Dog eating Dog." Your Lordships, Worships, 
and Eeverences, we respectfully offer these sugges- 
tions through our accredited agent and spokesman, 
Nathaniel Seesaw, and we are your humble servants, 
the brokers and jobbers of the Stock Exchange. 



CB APTEE LV. 



THE REVEREND JOSIAH FETCHEM MEETS WITH A CER- 
TAIN DEFERENCE FROM THE RECTORS AND VICARS, 
WHICH IS A SORT OF PARADOX. 

Now, my dear " Outside Lay Fools," although there 
exists at present among the luminaries of the Church 
this contempt — well, no, contempt is not the word. 
I should say this philosophical appreciation, the 
Kikeronian " Despicientia," of money — yet, para- 
doxical as it may seem to shallow minds, this Guinea 
Pig of ours, who now possessed three hundred pounds 
a year from money invested in mortgages on house 
property or ground rents, from the very date of that 
possession, and not before, was treated with a certain 
deference, or, if your Eeverences prefer it, with a 
certain sympathetic attention from both Rectors 
and Vicars, which less fortunate Guinea Pigs, who 
had nothing but their hebdomadal guineas to live 
upon, sighed for, but in vain. Human nature is full 
of paradoxes, and if that same Kikero had studied 
human nature more, and cribbed less from the Greek 
philosophers, his Paradoxes would have been better 



248 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

worth reading than they are. But Kikero was a 
conceited egotist, and therefore it is difficult to learn 
much from him. 

A critical friend of mine, facetiously named " Op- 
simathes," although he was so advanced in learning 
at an early age, here observes, with that caustic irri- 
tability peculiar to the " Grammatical tribus" " Why, 
what the dickens have brokers to do with Kikero and 
the Greek philosophers ? " 

My dear Opsimathes, it does seem rather out of 
place, I grant you, for a broker to have a smattering 
of Latin, and to know the alphabet in Greek. But 
it is no more odd than for so great a critic's name 
to be on contracts for the purchase of Wheal Mary 
Annes, or for the speculative sale of Egypt '73. I'll 
bet you a new hat (we always bet new hats on 
'Change) Opsimathes, that you don't know so much 
of any stock you like to name as I of Greek or Latin, 
and yet it's next to nothing that T know." 

Josiah Fetchem liked this deference from his supe- 
riors, and argued thus unto himself, — 

" Suppose I had ten thousand pounds instead of 
six. Their Reverences would like me all that better, 
and who knows, if I take care not to adopt any 
decided religious views, but dexterously wait until 
I see what views the biggest men may hold and then 
adopt their views, I may become a greater man my- 
self. The motto of a Guinea Pig, and many others, 
too, should now-a-days be this — I temporise and learn 
from bigger men" 

Now your Lordships, Worships, and Eeverences, I 
pray you to observe that if these Eectors and Vicars 
had not changed their manner towards their Guinea 
Pig when he came into possession of his three hun- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 249 

dred pounds a year, he would have been a happy 
Guinea Pig, and would not have tried to make it 
five. They were the first to start him on the down- 
ward path. And when a brother parson told him 
that he held a hundred shares in the far-famed Yan 
Lead Mine, which only cost him £4 10s. per share, 
he was completely given over to the Evil One. But 
let us now look some years back. 



CHAPTEE LYI. 

HOW JOSIAH FETCHEM MADE AN INVESTMENT IN THE 
CELEBRATED EMMA MINE, WITH AN ACCOUNT OF DR. 
SANA MENS' VIEWS ON THE GOODNESS OF HUMAN 
NATURE. 

In eighteen hundred and seventy-one, when the long- 
suffering and ill-used British public were recovering 
from that panic which in '66 and the succeeding 
years made a clean sweep of all the joint stock com- 
panies, the Overends, the Credit Fonciers, the rotten 
banks, the grand financing bubbles, and industrial 
enterprise, so called, through which so many thou- 
sands of investors come to ruin, the " Outside Fools" 
were dazzled and bewildered with the wonderful 
prospectus of the far-famed Emma mine, which, both 
in liberality of promises and influential names upon 
the Board, has never been surpassed. 

This famous mine was there described as half a 
mile in length, and was declared to be producing 
seven hundred thousand pounds a year. Americans, 
so philanthropic, yet so keen, had actually sold this 
priceless treasure to their transatlantic cousins for 



250 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

a million pounds, not so much more than one year's 
earnings would come to. Kind American hearts ! 
'Twas some set off for Alabama claims. 

Ye pessimists, don't talk of human nature being 
bad. A man who did not love his fellow-creatures 
much would have kept all this treasure to himself, 
and could he not have eaten all the cake himself, 
he would have choked with trying, and not shared 
it with his fellow fools. 

Opsimathes says here, — 

" 'Twill serve the fools quite right, suppose it 
should turn out a hoax." 

What fools ? How wise these critics are after the 
event. How they can pick out flaws in books that do 
not sell at all, and find out merits in them when the 
" Outside Fools" have bought. 

I never heard you say a word against this cele- 
brated mine, Opsimathes, when the prospectus first 
came out. But now that its fair fame is sullied by 
foul slander's breath, now that the honorable men 
who worked so for the public good are worried by 
the disappointed, greedy, and ungrateful share- 
holders, now that eighteen per cent, paid monthly 
is just for a little space delayed (it surely will not 
be for long), Opsimathes can join the hue and cry, 
and feel his liver better for the fling. This is indeed 
contemptible. We are getting to a pretty pass in 
journalism now. Down from the Queen herself, no 
one is safe. The person, not the system, is the modern 
object of attack. Well, where there's no ability to 
scribble anything but coarse abuse, what can one look 
for else ? 

Look here, Opsimathes, if you had warned the 
public when the mine was first brought out, you 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 251 

should have been my " Cleverest Outside Fool." I 
would have put you on a moral pedestal, against my 
rule. But pray, when four Americans of very high 
position, presidents of banks and railroads, senators, 
ambassadors, assisted by three members of the Bri- 
tish Parliament, and two more gentlemen of social 
rank, all joined in recommending us to buy, shall we 
call poor Josiah Fetchem fool because he thought 
with such great names he must be safe ? You may 
— I never will. 

" But," say the optimists, "the idea is too prepos- 
terous, too shocking to our faith in human nature, 
that we cannot think these men intended to deceive. 
One might as well suppose the only difference between 
a high and low position to be this, one gives a man 
much greater opportunities to cheat." 

Upon the other side, the pessimists triumphantly 
exclaim, — 

" It proves that man is bad at heart." 

And now, dear u Outside Fools," as this is no slight 
matter to decide, I'd rather tell you what my doctor, 
Sana Mens, thinks of it all, for he has thought as 
much as most and what he says he really thinks ; 
and, more, he knows that he, as well as you, is but 
an " Outside Fool." 

He says, — 

Both sides are partly wrong. Man is not bad at 
heart, for if he were, the bad would ultimately swamp 
the good in spite of legal check. Until you show 
conclusively that there are more bad men than good, 
you have no right to be a pessimist. And in your 
estimate of man, you ought to take your specimens 
more from those countries where both food and love 
are plentiful and easily obtained ; not from old coun- 



252 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS.. 

tries, where a turnip is almost as valuable as a life. 

" Bring nil admirari to your aid, if you would 
estimate your fellow-man aright. Those words T 
render by l a calm philosophy.' 

" Suppose one rogue were to concoct a scheme such 
as this Emma Eldorado seemed to be, can you not 
well imagine that he might deceive the others by 
his artifice ? Was theirs not rather carelessness than 
wilful fraud ? and was not even he led wrong by 
aggregated money's baneful influence ? 

" I'll tell you how it is. There are pernicious 
systems in finance, professions, trade, and everything 
in life. The custom of these systems gradually 
pushes men still further on the path of wrong, each 
quoting what the other safely did, until at last one 
just a little worse and bolder than the rest sets in a 
blaze the smouldering flame, and is a scape-goat for 
the system's flaws. 

" "Whenever 'a great crime/ as it is called, is 
brought before the world, we hear these words, ' How 
horrible ! ' ' How shocking ! ' ' What a miscreant ! ' 
1 Can this be done by civilized, by educated man ? ! 
Now all these phrases are immoral in effect. 

" If you could analyse each speaker's inmost 
thoughts, you probably would find a secret satisfac- 
tion blended with the horror which he seems to feel. 

" Each, often unacknowledged to himself, thinks, 
1 Ah ! I'm not so bad as that man is,' and each super- 
lative ejaculation of disgust and horror seems to make 
him more removed from such a miscreant, as he 
would say. 

" Let God decide upon man's moral guilt, not men 
like us, dear l Outside Fools.' 

" What say you then, shall we let criminals go 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 253 

free ? By no means so. Society has laws and claims 
which must be carefully observed. Hang criminals 
that should be hung. Flog those that should be 
flogged. Don't let this modern luxury sap all your 
mental vigor so that you both shrink with horror at 
the name of what you term these shocking crimes ! and 
also shrink from punishing the same. 

" There are things worse than death. But do not 
argue that your fellow man is bad at heart because 
society must punish criminals whose moral guilt no 
man on earth can accurately weigh. Instead of 
hugging to your heart the fond idea that you are not 
so bad or better than your fellow men, work hard 
to give your mite of i information to the general 
store. Attack the system, ye reformers and enthu- 
siasts, and not the man. 

" And recollect that education must be slow. 
There is no revolutionizing things on earth. Spas- 
modic efforts in the cause of virtue often end in vice. 

" I strenuously hold that human nature is not 
shown to be depraved by cases such as Overend's, or 
Collie's, or the Emma Mine. In all these cases, the old 
theory that 'ignorance is vice,' applies to most in- 
volved. 

11 Because some two or three great juggling scamps, 
who have so much temptation through their money 
that they hardly can do right, lay artful plans to 
drag in men who are well-meaning in the main, 
— because financiers, with long experience in the 
muddy ways of usury, have drawn the savings of 
the nation to supply the vicious means for their 
extravagance and luxury — because investors, through 
their greed and ignorance, have thrown too great 
temptation in directors' way — because, I say, if one 



254 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

man chose to lend his name, a loan of many millions 
could be floated in a day for Eussian Kail ways 
that can only pay for warlike purposes as yet — because 
if he but said the word, even ten per cent, could be 
put upon the value of a Spanish Bond, it does not 
follow that the men who have this power are not good 
men ; but it does follow that the gulls should learn 
the snares, that legislators with clear sight and a 
stern sense of honor, like Sir Henry James, should 
take this burning question thoroughly in hand, and 
that the power of aggregated capital should hence- 
forth be more widely known. Let none be able to 
buy up the press. This is the real source of ill. 
While ruined gamblers are inveighing against men 
on 'Change, stung by the senseless smart of loss, the 
first cause lurks unseen and to unnumbered thou- 
sands quite unknown. Yes, let the public think more 
deeply, let the papers write more fully on this most 
important money theme — upon the way the pieces 
are all moved in speculation's game of chess. 

" Enthusiasts, and fools, and hypocrites, and all who 
have it not, may talk against this money as they 
please, but few mean what they say, and who pays 
heed to them ? 

" A man who says, ' I care not for this money, all 
I want is meat and drink,' is more a fool than a 
philosopher. Suppose he have no means to buy his 
meat and drink ? 

" Go to — just take a red-hot Eadical. Give him a 
small estate. Hell turn Conservative before he has 
enjoyed it many months. No doubt this money is 
the root of evil, but it is the source of good as well. 
It is most dangerous when aggregated in the hands 
of those who use it to consume, to lend at usury, and 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 255 

not produce or trade as our best merchants do. Wake 
up, ye * Outside Fools/ and learn, give up your greed 
of gain, you can yourselves curtail this power of 
money if ye will. Dig out the accursed Ego from 
your hearts. 'Tis that which makes each fool say to 
himself while rushing onwards in the race for gold, 
c De'il take the hindmost, I shall not be last.' 

" And one word more. There is more happiness 
in the fallentis semita vitae, the quiet life unnoticed 
by the world, than in the glitter and the tinsel of 
the finest palaces. How many does that Gospel of 
' Get on, by fair means if you can, if not, get on by any 
means you can,' bring to their physical and moral 
death!" 

" I always listen to what Sana Mens may say, 
because I think his motives are quite right. But 
as, dear < Outside Fools,' I am a broker, you will 
not expect that I myself should have so high a 
standard of what's right. For education is a gradual 
thing. I may improve in time. Indeed I think I 
have improved since Dr. Sana Mens attended me." 

What think you of those dummy shares, not the 
debentures, in the once famous Mineral Hill ? A ten 
pound share, of which one could not prove the real 
existence, sold at six, seven, or eight premium, if 
flat-fish could be found to buy. If flat-fish had but 
tried to sell, they would have found no market then 
at all. 

What of the celebrated Eussia Copper, which 
deceived a member of that veteran firm whose name 
was good enough before to turn a hole into a mine ? 
When Washoe, Washoe, was the cry on 'Change, did 
cautious Starwise know the mill was all those miles 
away, that silver bars were few and far between? 



256 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

When those small stores of Taquarilian gold, left 
where they were so nicely to be found, and bring 
abundant interest to few from many's ignorance, did 
none of us on 'Change know how the game was being 
played? "What if there be some gold in other Brazil 
mines ? The best horse does notalways win upon the 
turf, nor yet on 'Change. Learn more, and then you 
will lose less. But Emma waits for us. 

The shares were very flat just after the allotment 
letters were sent out. Some arch-promoter doubt- 
less thought it would be well to take a little profit 
then. Besides this flattering, the market was a 
very clever piece of jugglery. Sharp speculators 
who did not believe these flowery promises, and 
thought they saw through a gigantic hoax, sold 
bears, and so played into the ensnarers' hands. For 
well they knew that bears must close some time, 
and that if they got up an artificial rise the " Out- 
side Fools" would buy, and so come to their aid. 
And so they bought up quantities of shares, and 
very likely, you, dear reader, helped their little 
game. So Emma rallied from her drop. The 
Christmas circular came out, in which all timid 
bulls were positively told that great pains had been 
taken to check all the statements made in the prospectus, 
and that the directors now declared those statements to be 
true. In April, 1872, in spite of circulars and this 
directors' narcotizing faith, one third of this rich cake 
was still in their own hands, their hearts were stirred 
by a deep philanthropic wave (a gradual improvement 
in the mine produced the wave), and all entreated 
sleepy " Outside Fools " to take this third — but at a 
premium. The shares of twenty pounds had risen 
now to over 29. Josiah could resist no more, and 






YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 257 

purchased Mtj Emma shares at twenty-nine pounds 
ten per share. The great men's creatures put in 
motion all their wonderful machinery by which our 
nation has lost many million pounds, and by loud 
blatant bidding, with audacious jobbers' aid, by giving 
calls for more by tips, and touts, and circulars, the 
bears were pickled and strung up, the price was raised 
to this 32. Josiah Fetchem, silly fool, thought he had 
found on earth a little speculative Paradise, and 
some time after this he startled some good people by 
his wandering thoughts. But more of this anon. 



CHAPTEE LYII. 



A DESCRIPTION OF GREAT WHOPPLIDDE-IN-THE-FEN 
AND OF THE RECTOR, THE REY. JEDEDIAH TRING. 

Josiah Fetchem often went to take the duty for 
the rector at Great Whopplidde-in-the-Fen. You 
don't know "Whopplidde-in-the-Fen. You must be, 
then, yourself unknown. It is in Clayshire, not so 
far from where the Pintos used to dwell. A very 
primitive and priggish little place it is. Quite 
different to Gedneydake-cum-Sutterby le Marsh, 
where my friend " ower St. John Thorestherpe " 
resides. The parish is a scattered one, and large, 
the glebe is rich, and there are just about one 
thousand souls, of which eight hundred are day 
laborers or cottagers with families. The rector's 
living is worth just eleven hundred pounds a year, 
and though advanced in age, and rather dropsical, 
he did not keep a curate, but got chronic help from 
our Guinea Pig, whenever he could not get through 



258 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

the duty by himself. This rector, styled the Eev. 
Jedediah Tring, was a narrow-minded, ample-bodied 
bookish sort of man, who read and wrote works on 
divinity alone, and, like so many more, did not per- 
ceive that all the education that can possibly be 
got elsewhere should be acquired so, and then 
applied to sacred subjects, and thus make them 
comprehensible to common minds. If a congre- 
gation be already safe, what need of explanation 
and instruction in the gospel truths ? If most of 
them require teaching and are somewhat slow to 
learn, shall clergymen say, simply, " This is true, 
believe or disbelieve, and nothing else ? " Or should 
they rather try to suit their language to the capabi- 
lities of those who hear — to illustrate from ordinary 
life — from what their congregations understand ? 
Let those who know decide. 'Tis not for me to say. 
The more abstruse a thing you make religion out to 
be, the fewer hearts you'll touch. The teaching of 
some parsons would imply that one is saved or lost 
already ; but this surely cannot be with the great 
bulk of men, and those are they whom parsons have 
to try and win. It's not the staunch believers in 
his creed the clergyman must try to please; the 
danger there is lest they should rely too much upon 
a creed's narcotic influence. The unconverted and 
indifferent should be the ones a working parson tries 
to bring into the fold. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 259 



CHAPTEE LYIII. 

A DESCRIPTION OF MISS LOUISA PANTOSNIFFLE's 
CURIOUS DRESS, AND OF MADAME EMMA LA FARGUE, 
WITH OTHER GREAT WHOPPLIDIANS. 

We have accounted for eight hundred of the Whop- 
pliddians. The remainder were thus made up. The 
rector, his wife, and Miss Louisa Pantosniffle, who 
was a companion to the rector's wife, and acted as a 
housekeeper as well. She was a Londoner, and 
dressed in quite the newest style, the narrowest of 
sheaths, with wonderful cockscomb behind. Her 
tete of hair was quite unique, and what was false did 
not match that which was her own. 

Now as Louisa Pantosniffle was both plump and 
short, the effect of this strange narrow sack upon her 
figure was more curious than elegant. 

It was as though you had inserted a short alder- 
man in a long common sack, and left the head alone 
exposed. His figure would be sure to make itself be 
seen, and so did hers. But ignorance is bliss some- 
times, they say, and really this appeared to be a case 
in which it was. . Louisa Pantosniffle knew it was 
the fashion, the Whoppliddians heard that it was, 
and as they had no sense of the ridiculous, all thought 
it right. 

Poor girl, she could not help it if she was full five- 
and-thirty inches round the waist, although she really 
should have taken now and then a side-glance in the 
glass. 

If one great lady and a score of west-end milliners 
should say that fig-leaves had come in again for 



260 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS 

summer dress, I dare be sworn you'd find no stmt 
of wearers for the dress. And why ? It's not the 
fault of women in the middle class j they do not set 
the fashion — they adopt it when it's set. 

Eank has its privileges and its duties too. If 
ladies of the highest rank would set their sisters of a 
lower grade a different example, we should soon be 
rid of these indecent and bizarre disfigurements of 
female forms. The milliners of course keep changing 
to make trade. 

Then there was Dr. Miggs, with bright though 
pock-marked face. He knew a great deal more of 
human nature than his art, and so he got on well, 
and was an acquisition in the place. His daughters 
were long, light, untidy girls, who dearly loved the 
style of book that now goes down so well. Main in- 
cidents — a country barn, a murder, and a mystery. 
As fixings to this dainty dish there should be added 
just a spice of bigamy, adultery, and a smart de- 
scription of the demi-semi-monde. 

Oh yes, this sort of narcotism is much sought after 
in our towns and villages. Whose fault is it ? 'Tis 
yours, ye " Outside Fools" who read. Tes, yours, ye 
mothers, who don't stop such trash from coming near 
your homes. You often read the books yourselves. 
Opinions may be wrong, but facts cannot tell lies. 
The sale lists show the sort of book that sells. For- 
sooth, if some one slanders people high enough, there 
need be nothing else to palm it off upon the public 
taste. 

Such narcotism must indeed be bad for girls and 
boys, if not for men and women grown. And who's 
to blame ? The system in the trade. Why, any fool 
may write three volumes of the most pernicious 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 261 

twaddle, call it by a taking name, and all the circula- 
lating libraries will buy one copy each, which they 
get something over half the price. A few flat-fish, 
with too much money and but little brains, give 
thirty-one and sixpence for these sort of books. As 
there are about five hundred of these libraries that 
take one copy of whatever may be brought out in 
their own pet form, there's not much fear of loss, for 
this five hundred just repays the cost. But for this 
system often not a dozen copies of these so-called 
novels would be sold. Why don't the critics tell you 
" Outside Fools " all this ? Whose business is it if it 
is not theirs ? But let that pass, and turn we now to 
Whopplidde-in-the-Fen again. There was a lawyer 
and his newly-married wife ; but they were just like 
other people, so we do not care for them. There 
were the Wigginses, three tabbies, whose old father 
had been, in the liquor trade, and left them comfort- 
ably off. Then there was Captain Dudman, who was 
in the coastguard service, a thin prim-whiskered sort 
of man, who spent his leisure time in staring through 
a telescope, or walking miles and miles with aimless 
energy. Then there were half a score bluff, honest 
tenant farmers, and the usual tradesmen to be found 
in any place. But there was one more person with 
whom my story has to do. Madame Emma La Fargue 
was a widow, and a distant relation of Dr. Miggs. 
Her husband died before she settled at Great Whop- 
plidde-in-the-Fen. She was a partial mystery; she 
always seemed to have sufficient means, though none 
knew whence the money came. Dr. Miggs must 
have known within ten years how old she was ; but 
any stranger, I feel sure, could not have guessed with- 
in a score. She had mysterious little boxes come at 



262 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

times from Paris, but none knew what it was that 
they contained. Her maid was never allowed to help 
her to undress, and seldom saw her till she came down 
stairs. Her manner was reserved, but the Whopplid- 
dians got used to her ways and liked her well 
enough. To look at her figure and bust you might 
have taken her for a married woman about forty, 
and then at times, when her features were at rest, 
she looked as though she might be sixty-five. This 
Madame Emma La Fargue professed to like Josiah 
Fetchem very much, and made Louisa Pantosniffle 
jealous of her influence. She had learnt ways of 
flirting while in France that were unknown to the 
untutured girls at Whopplidde-in-the-Fen. The 
Reverend Josiah paid attention to both ladies, but in 
a mild Platonic sort of way. You may imagine that 
his chronic visits were looked forward to with 
interest. 

In person our Guinea Pig was not unlike a turtle 
raised on its hind legs. His complexion, men would 
have declared must have been copied from the lobster 
boiled ; the ladies said no doubt it was the sun in 
travelling about. Josiah' s skin was very tight. He 
looked as though he had been stuffed by steam, a sort 
of animated sausage filled by powerful hydraulic 
pressure till the merest trifle extra must have made 
it burst. The knowledge that he had three hundred 
pounds a year did not detract from our Josiah's 
charms. Oh, what a funny narcotizer Cupid is ! 
Louisa Pantosniffle told her confidante, Miss Laura 
Miggs. that Fetchem was her idea of a cherubin. I 
wonder what this lady thought of Satan's person- 
ality. 



1 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 263 



CKAPTEE LTX. 

HOW THE GREAT WHOPPLIDDIANS DETERMINED THAT 
THE REVEREND JOSIAH FETCHEM SHOULD MARRY ONE 
OF THE LADIES OF THEIR PARISH, AND HOW BETS 
WERE ARRANGED ABOUT THE EVENT. 

Now the great Whoppliddians had quite made up 
their minds that the Eeverend Josiah must take one 
of their ladies as a wife. They had no doubt but that 
he would do so. And, your Worships and Reverences, 
do observe how that man is a gambling animal by 
nature, and reflect that if the Stock Exchange were 
pulled down to-morrow, he would still find means of 
gambling. Just as, from the peer to the coachman, 
everyone has a trifle on the result of what the Japan- 
ese ambassadors not inaptly termed " the Great God 
Darbee" so there were few of the Great Whoppliddians 
who had not backed according to their means the two 
favorites for the matrimonial event. Even the ladies 
had gloves depending on the issue. The odds were 
slightly in favor of Miss Louisa Pantosniffle, no doubt 
more because she occupied that il coign of vantage," 
the rectory itself, where the Whoppliddians' Benedict 
that was to be, ate, drank, and slept all through his 
stay. And this is no despicable advantage, this being 
in the same house with the man you want to marry. 
If there be the least scintilla of " affinity M in his 
composition, if he possess but a thirty-second or only 
an attenuated sixty-fourth of the necessary frac- 
tions of the unit of love, it must indeed be gaucherie 
that fails to successfully fan the same into a flame. I 
remember that Erasmus Pinto told several amatory 
applicants for shares in our great" Matrimonial Alii- 



264 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

ance Association that if a cable could not be laid in 
half an hour at most between two persons of opposite 
sex in either of his halls, the parties might at once 
return home, quite satisfied that their " affinity " 
was not to be found that day. But of course there 
are drawbacks in a rectory ; there is not quite the 
same freedom, as in the matrimonial halls, the same 
directness of purpose cannot be evinced, but a certain 
finesse and masking of batteries is often necessary 
from the obstructiveness of crass ordinary Grun- 
dy ites, who take a malicious pleasure in seeing that 
the course of courtship is as rugged as it can be made. 
I had a striking proof of the inestimable value of 
these Matrimonial Halls, from an incident that oc- 
curred the last time I was staying at the house of that 
excellent old-fashioned parson, St. John Thorestherpe, 
of Great Gedneydake-cum-S utter by le Marsh. He 
thought that it would promote a good understanding 
among the parishioners if he invited them indiscri- 
minately to large Dorcas meetings, held in the even- 
ing, at which the ladies worked articles of clothing 
for the poor, and the gentlemen read to or de- 
corously flirted with the ladies as they worked. I 
happened to be present when the first meeting was 
held, and, as will happen with English folk, there was 
a certain stiffness and awkwardness among the mem- 
bers of the large party assembled that threatened to 
mar the object in view, which was to make each 
class more cordial to each other class. As soon as 
St. John perceived this stiff reserve, he determined 
that it should be remedied, and hit upon an original 
expedient. The parsonage was a large old-fashioned 
building, full of holes, and cupboards, and corners, 
and dark attics. He at once, gifted with that infec- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 265 

tions cheeriness of manner and voice that some 
few privileged beings possess, proposed a game of 
hide and seek (not broker's hide and seek, dear 
" Outside Fools ") in the parsonage itself, divided the 
parties himself, and conducted them to cover. Bar- 
barous as this will doubtless seem to the languid cle- 
rical swell with a lisp, or the august dignitary who 
could scarcely survive such a desecration of his 
reverend person as hide and seek might bring, it 
answered admirably in our case, and the result was 
eminently satisfactory, for the ice of reserve was 
completely thawed by the free interchange of ideas, 
developed by the darkness so favorable to lay a cable 
in, and by the numerous convenient crannies of St. 
John's old house. It is on record that three couples 
were asked in church within a month after this happy 
idea had struck my worthy friend St. John. The 
reason no doubt was that the masculine portion of 
the party discovered in this one game of hide and 
seek that, after all, the Miss Chillies of the Grange 
had much the same inclinations and feelings at 
bottom as Jane Ruche, the village dress-maker, or 
merry little Emily Snart, the nursery governess, 
while the ladies were pleased to find that Captain 
Dragoman, who looked the swell all over, and 
Anthony Nowers, the young undergraduate staying 
at the parsonage, were quite as good at a game of 
romp in the dark as any boys let loose from schools. 
You may depend upon it that human nature is pretty 
much the same in the prince and the peasant, only 
the higher you go the less human nature you can 
afford to show, because all may be gained by acting 
and artifice, and all lost by candor and sincerity. 
Well, as I said above, among the great Whopplid- 



266 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

dians the odds were rather in favor of Louisa Pan- 
tosniffle. On the other hand, a tenant farmer named 
Becuda Smales, alluding to the other favorite, Ma- 
dame Emma La Fargue, said quaintly, — 

" Our foreign madam has such ways o' looking at 
a chap as makes him think o' things. " 

This was the state of matters at the last visit of our 
Guinea Pig. 



CHAPTEE LX. 



A DESCRIPTION OF CHURCH MUSIC AT GREAT WHOP- 
PLIDDE-IN-THE-FEN, THE PARISH CLERK, AND THE 
RECTOR'S FAVORITE THEOLOGICAL WORKS. 

The church of St. Mary's was one of those old- 
fashioned Gothic buildings, still sa often to be seen 
in country parishes. But if the church itself was 
old-fashioned, the church music was much more so. 
The absence of an organ was supplied by Captain 
Dudman, who operated on the violin ; Becuda Smales, 
the above-mentioned former, who played the clari- 
onet ; Dr. Miggs, whose fancy was the ophicleide ; 
and . Mr. Barloe Healey, grocer, whose instrument 
was the bassoon. The parish clerk was quite a 
curiosity; his Christian name was Gad. His father 
had been sexton many years. The first year of his 
married life his wife had twins. The next she had 
also twins. The first arrival pleased the good man 
much. The second startled him, and being well read 
in Scripture lore, old Nathan Yessey said senten- 
tiously, " l A troop cometh.' The next arrival I shall 
christen Gad, Yes, be they twins or even triplets 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 267 

next time, they shall all be christened Gad." How- 
ever, the next arrival was neither twins or triplets, 
but the normal unit, and Gad, in spite of clerical 
remonstrance, was the name the boy was christened 
by. When Gad became a youth, he cleaned the 
boots and shoes, and worked in the kitchen garden 
at the rectory. As time went on, he married Kitty 
Perke, the rector's housemaid, and became the coach- 
man, living in a house close by the church, and when 
the parish clerk went to his rest, Gad Yessey was 
elected in his place. 

This coachman-clerk was a curious original. His 
sanctimonious whine was wonderful. The only 
wonder is that Gad should have been born with 
such a tone. Had one not known his antecedents, 
one must have supposed the accent to be the result 
of evangelical instruction in some superior training 
school. 

Here are some samples of Gad Yessey's render- 
ings of passages in holy writ. 

"He was alien to his mother's children" became 
this, " He was a lion- to his mother's children. 91 li The 
great leviathan of the waters," with some deep poetic 
meaning he described as a The great lieutenant of the 
icaters" " Conies " he changed into " Monies " " Senna- 
cherib," with reckless versatility, he rendered as if 
" snatchacrab" But why go on? I've said enough 
to point the moral of my tale, and there is nothing 
written here, ye " Outside Fools," that has not some 
more meaning than to make you laugh. And if you 
think that this is fiction you're mistaken ; it is fact, 
for fiction on these sacred matters is not pleasant 
to my mind. Gad Yessey's childlike confidence that 
what he said was right was most refreshing to 



268 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

behold. I feel convinced that he would soon have 
risen to fame, had but the manager of one of the new 
travelling companies to teach religion, and make 
people shake their sides with laughter at the actor's 
serio-comic style once heard him give some specimen 
of his abilities. No language can describe the man's 
"Amen." There was in it a strange farrago of 
hypocrisy, self-righteousness, resignation, pity for 
the lost. There was a sermon in Gad's rendering of 
that one word. But let us hope these scandals are 
fast passing into the limbo of oblivion. It's time 
they did. 

The village boj 7 s sat in the middle aisle, and every 
now and then, when not engaged in struggling with 
his verbal enemies, with swift and stealthy movement. 
Gad would reach out a long stick kept in the desk in 
which he sat, and deal a stunning rap . upon the 
pate of some unruly irreligious imp, whose thick 
head rang again. This mostly happened during the 
prayers. 

Gad's master, as I said before, was a bookish man, 
who knew no more the way to deal with uncon- 
verted men than does a pig ; indeed, he might have 
been defunct for all the good the parish got from 
him. Scarcely ever was he seen outside the rectory, 
and when at home he shut himself within his study, 
just as if the people and the place were quite beneath 
so great a man. 

This pleased Dissent, which daily throve, and a 
new chapel had been lately built and some trades- 
people left the church for it, for, as they said, the 
rector never spoke to them, nor noticed them at all, 
Dissenters certainly are wise to mingle with their 
people so. Thus at Great Whopplidde-in-the-Fen 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 269 

while the Beverend (I choose to call him so, although 
I don't belong to the Dissenters' sect) Winsole Easy 
was visiting the sick, and working hard to save, if 
not in the right way, yet with right will, the 
Eeverend Jedediah Tring, forgetful of his flock, for- 
getful of his coachman-clerk, who wanted teaching 
English so, and heedless of the Eeverend Winsole 
Easy's onward march, was poring over musty trea- 
tises, such as the learned Misanthropicus Malignus 
wrote, " De Odio Theogorum Inter Se" or such as that 
distinguished light of ancient days, Blitomammas 
Bekkeselenus, gave the unenlightened world, to wit, 
that ponderous tome that treats, " nepl rrjq rov Oeov povw 
OpdodofiaCj" or the more modern publications of 
Grammaticus Hicrologoumenus on the " Divine 
Eight of Creeds," or his very exhaustive and learned 
disquisition intituled, u Caulium et Vitae Mendico- 
rum Emrientium Comparatio" and other valuable 
works, the best of which, to my thinking, is that well- 
known treatise on the " Increasing Value of Turnips 
as Property" which has lately so attracted the atten- 
tion of the learned men. How could you in reason 
expect a man engaged in studying the noble works 
of these great pundits to devote his priceless time to 
correct the pronunciation of a coachman-clerk, to 
shaking hands with baker's or a grocer's wife, or 
check the insinuating progress of ridiculous irreve- 
rend Dissent. 



270 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTER LXI. 

AN ACCOUNT OF THE CREED HELD BY THE RECTOR 
OF GREAT WHOPPLIDDE-IN-THE-FEN, AND HIS VIEWS 
ON THE TITLE < ; REVEREND." 

The Reverend Jedediah Tring's own creed was a 
sort of eclectic farrago, extracted from the creeds of 
the narrowest and most ascetic theologians, and it 
remorselessly consigned to perdition all those millions 
of impious heretics who allow that it is possible for 
any man, woman, or child to be saved, even if they 
do not hold strictly by one exact form of belief or 
ritual. 

The reverend rector's creed, on the contrary, 
required that every man, woman, or child (the in- 
fants so "to do through their duly appointed sponsors) 
should believe literally and in the strictest sense, 
without any evasion — so-called liberal interpreta- 
tion of the spirit, or other damnable subterfuge of 
modern days — every w T ord in both the Old and New 
Testament, that they should have expressed such 
belief openly in the presence of witnesses, and have 
been baptized according to the strict directions of the 
rubric, and that all infants who have come into the 
world and suddenly died before the rite of baptism 
has been performed are lost eternally. This worthy 
rector's creed further required professing Christians 
to believe it to be an heretical and apostate act 
entirely beyond Divine forgiveness to bury or inter 
in consecrated ground the body of any nonconform- 
ist or schismatic, for that such 'act doth not only 
imperil the immortal soul of those who bury or inter, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 271 

but in all likelihood disturbs and desecrates the bodies 
of those true members of the church in proximity 
to whom the body of the said heretic or schismatic 
may be laid. 

And, further, that the profane desecration of the 
holy and apostolic title Reverend, which is the right- 
ful property of the orthodox alone, is a crime in a 
much greater degree, inasmuch as it doth tend, by 
the wide application of the title, to impair the venera- 
tion felt for, and, so to speak, the glorification of the 
person of those elect few on whose holy shoulders 
alone has fallen the mantle of the great apostle of the 
early church. 

Now, was it likely that the Eeverend Jedediah 
Tring, who held a creed like this, should care for 
simple Great Whoppliddian folk, or for the verbal 
acrobatic feats of Gad, his coachman-clerk, or for the 
vulgar doings of irreverend Dissent ? 



CHAPTEE LXIL 

THE REVEREND JOSIAH FETCHEM ARRIVES AT THE 
RECTORY OF GREAT WHOPPLIDDE-IN-THE-FEN WITH 

EMMA ON THE BRAIN THE CRAVING FOR MYSTERY 

A PRIME CAUSE OF SPECULATION, THE SUCCESS OF 
QUACK MEDICINES. —THE DANGER OF THE STOCK 
AND SHARE LIST. 

Now just at the time when our Guinea Pig bought 
his Emma shares, the rector had another attack of 
gout, and summoned him to do the duty as before, 
and further invited him to stay a week or a fortnight 



272 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

at the rectory. Josiah, who was in the city, tele- 
graphed to say that he would reach Great Whopplidde 
in time for Sunday's services. Miss Pantosniffle 
donned, or, rather, I should say, was inserted, in her 
tightest, smartest, gayest, silken sheath, and rumor 
said that Madame Emma La Fargue had been shut 
closely in her room all Saturday forenoon with those 
mysterious boxes that came at times from Paris to 
her house. 

On Saturday Josiah reached the rectory in time for 
tea. They did not dine late there, but generally at 
two o'clock, He was in spirits, as I dare say some 
of you, dear " Outside Fools," were when you made 
your first small profit upon 'Change, and thought 
what stupids brokers must all be to deal for clients 
when they might deal for themselves. Josiah left 
his Emma shares at 32, and looking firm. Alas! 
Satanic dragon sovereigns narcotized his holy mind. 
Be charitable, " Outside Fools." Poor human 
nature's very weak, whatever interested cant may 
say, and one small favorite weakness is that each fool 
thinks he's not so weak as any other fool. 

Louisa Pantosniffle smirked and smiled upon her 
Fetchem, as she fondly thought, but he was unac- 
countably distrait. Poor fellow, he had Emma on the 
brain, and sadly missed his Evening Standard at Great 
"Whopplidde-in-the-Fen. 

Yes, very sweet to speculative human minds is 
the perusal of the stock and share list twice and 
sometimes thrice a day. Perhaps you don't see why. 
It's this. There always is a mystery that hovers 
round the ever-fluctuating prices of your bulls and 
bears. A speculator never feels that dull and 
leaden calm which many suffer from who know 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 273 

not what is meant by dealing for account. No 
ennui troubles speculators' minds. But just be 
careful, u Outside Country Fools," how ye devour 
the prices of that share list. We have funny ways 
of cooking it sometimes. I am desired to tell you 
this, for our honest members cannot bear the plan 
that holds. They call it nothing but a swindling 
trap. You clever " Outside Fools," would you not 
think that if you looked at nothing but the business 
done you must be safe ? Of course you would think 
so. What innocence ! Suppose we have some wares 
that do not sell, collusive bargains can be nominally 
made, and then reported in the " Business done" 
and this so-called official list investors act upon, 
because they have no other guide. The dealers give 
the prices for this list themselves, and their own 
interest of course induces them to suit the prices to 
their books. And so the price is quoted higher than 
it ought to be when we desire to sell, and lower than 
it ought to be when we desire to buy. But you may 
say, some would see through the trick and do the 
opposite. How many, pray? Of course we cannot 
nip an inclination in the bud. Oh, no ! I know 
there's scarcely one Outsider whom old Seesaw could 
not indirectly urge to buy or put him off — induce to 
sell, or make him hold. Why, bless your innocence, 
what do you know of stocks, you " Outside Fools?" 
Do the directors give you information of their next 
half-year's campaign in Eails ? What bills they 
may defer, and what crowd in to this account? Do 
we come out and let you know when everyone can 
see a certain stock is going to rise or fall? And 
that we can do, not so very seldom as you think. 
When suddenly four millions of fresh capital is 

M* 



274 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

wanted for a line, does that announcement come out 
vaguely and bang down the stock, or is a reassuring 
statement added to the declaration of the want? 
Does not, in nearly all these cases, first a fall occur, 
and then, when weak bulls have all sold, a rise ensue ? 
Keflect, ye " Outside Fools," and catch the snarers 
thus. Buy when none else will buy, sell when none 
else will sell, see that ye operate in stocks that have 
backbone, no foreign I O IPs will do. 

Our system on the Stock Exchange is based upon 
this craving in the human breast for mystery which 
I alluded to above. Those strange philanthropists 
who oddly try to cope with over-population's grow- 
ing ills trade on this craving for a mystery. The 
penny dreadfuls live upon this craving for a mystery. 
How grim the satire of the names quacks give their 
deadly opiates and filthy drugs. Oh, Science ! oh, 
Philanthropy ! are we to kill instead of hesitate to 
bring so many lives into the world ? 

Yes, it is mystery and misery combined these 
harpies trade upon. They puff their ghastly " In- 
fant Soothers and Preservers" with impunity. The 
ghouls and slanderous scribblers who disgrace the pen 
by their attacks on persons in high places trade upon 
this craving for some mystery. A man who makes 
a fortune from his fellow-creatures' sufferings, well 
knowing how small aid his panaceas give, does nearly 
as much harm as does a great financing conjurer. 

And gambling is the essence of all mystery. 

Are we to blame the men ? Not so, but legislate 
and educate. If one be tried without the other, 
it must fail. How puerile the Glasgow outbreak 
against gambling was. Those fond reformers seemed 
to think that simple legislation could put gambling 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 275 

down. Do those who howl so fiercely at our jobbing 
class think legislation can make us superfluous? 
And yet I do believe, though I'm not authorized 
to speak on this, that jobbers without brokers or 
brokers without jobbers would be quite enough. 
Again. The public ought to be allowed to see the 
purchases and sales, and not be often at the mercy 
of two gentlemen, who make the price between 
them and then share the difference. 

Ye " Outside Fools," don't be deceived. My bro- 
thers of the " Inside House " would not have let 
me tell you this did they not now begin to see that 
these black sheep were killing by degrees the goose 
that lays the golden eggs. 

The late revulsion in the public mind, through 
hearing strange dark hints of these tricks, and know- 
ing not how far they may extend, together with the 
wholesale robbery of usurers, is making honest busi- 
ness less and less. The business now is most unsound. 
When I began, men used to deal in thousands, boys 
now deal in ten or twenty thousand at a time. We 
could then form some slight idea of value, and of 
when a rise should come and when a fall, and we 
could tell our clients something that was not all 
falsified within an hour. Now we are (that is the 
honest ones, not in the speculative swim) all at the 
mercy of the cliques, who spring their mines upon 
us with most startling suddenness, and when a stock 
should rise they make it fall, and when it ought to 
fall they make it rise. It is no pleasant business be- 
ing dealer in the House if you are not dishonest now. 
If but the Glasgow brokers had empowered one of 
their own class to show where their own system was 
defective — to explain their intricate machinery, as I 



276 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

am authorized to try and do in London here, there 
would have been small need of legislation's aid. 
There are as many dirty tricks at Glasgow as there 
are with us. Yes, educate and legislate. The 
people's common sense, though greed of gain should 
try its best to deaden it, would show them that they 
must look out for other mysteries. Just so with 
nostrums and with quacks. 



CHAPTEE LXIIL 

THE MAN TO BE DISTINGUISHED FROM THE GOOD HE 
DOES. — EGOTISM A FOE TO EDUCATION. — REMARKS 
ON SOCRATES. 

We have our Spelling Bees — why not establish Anti- 
Infant Soothing Bees, and Bees, where how the dice 
are cogged on 'Change is shown, and Bees where all 
the golden mystery of MH\E1SF A TAN is explained ? 
And at these Bees blame not a single man. Attack 
the system and suggest reform, but don't try to 
persuade one class that it is so much better than 
another is, because it knows what others do not know. 
How fearfully has education suffered from this radical 
mistake! How much good is nipped in the bud 
because some attitudinizing fool will not dig out that 
Ego from his words and thoughts!- The hearers 
often have a dim idea that what is said by him is 
true; but a resentful feeling rises in their breast to. 
see his vanity, and so the man mars what he says, 
and they gain little truth instead of much. When 
will men learn that they are all but varieties of the 
unnumbered specimens that human nature has to 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 277 

show? Suppose his constitution, circumstances, or 
his style of mind induce and fit one of these speci- 
mens to teach his fellow-creatures something which 
'twill do them good to learn — suppose no thought 
of money come into his mind — what then ? It 
may he nothing but a hobby-horse — one of the 
many forms of necessary narcotism in this life. 
Society may well encourage such a specimen ; but 
don't let prating fools talk loud about his moral 
excellence, and freely use superlative and vicious 
epithets which satire may sometimes employ for 
good, but never sober truth. Superlative in praise 
or blame does harm. 

You've heard of Socrates ? You might suppose a 
man possessed of all that wonderful philosophy could 
have been anything he liked. It was not so. He 
was unfit for any post in politics ; he did not care for 
money, for he said, " Divinity requires nothing, and 
that wants least that comes the nearest to Divinity." 
But Socrates both liked a joke and glass, and would 
spend hours in arguing with anyone he met. And 
why? Because to teach was his, more than all other 
men's besides. He taught so well that it brought 
death to him. And what of that ? it did good to 
unnumbered other men. Observe. God in this 
world, and doubtless in some other, has placed these 
rare specimens to keep the store of education grow- 
ing gradually larger day by day, until each world is 
ready for its next great change, whenever God may 
will. " But," say you, a the same country that pro- 
duced a Socrates is now more ignorant and false than 
then." And you may add that Socrates did no good 
to himself, and ask, " How, then, do these rare speci- 
mens of yours do good ? " Ah ! there is the mistake. 



27S YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

You think if one man has more knowledge than 
another, and because that knowledge is fresh power, 
he ought to use it so as to exalt himself. If he know 
anything worth much, he will do no such thing; why 
should he take to aping other specimens, instead of 
doing what he's fitted for himself ? Why should he 
lose his happiness and rob the world of- what small 
good he might have done to it ? If taken on the 
lowest ground, this view of man is right. Who's so 
unhappy as the envious are ? Who is more happy 
than a laborer who has his health and does a good 
day's work ? Why do so many men get drunk when 
out on a day's pleasure, as 'tis falsely called ? If 
they could analyze their secret motives they would 
find that often they're induced to take a gross narco- 
tic to keep up the sham, and bring them down to the 
low level which the wretched votaries of so-called 
pleasure need. But to return. It matters not that 
countries once so highly civilized and so refined have 
sunk back into semi-barbarism. You must first prove 
that in the aggregate the world has not learnt more. 
And even the country that produced a Socrates, and 
was then in the zenith of its fame, was perhaps not 
really educated better than the other countries were, 
but only more refined. Though Socrates himself had 
found out what real education was, it does not follow 
that his countrymen had too. Indeed, their putting 
him to death is a good proof that they had not, for 
had they seen the truth they never would have 
done so foolishly. Eefinement, the belles lettres, the 
study of abstruse and hidden subjects, the art and 
taste that form an appanage of luxury, are not the 
education that a . nation wants. These studies 
should, undoubtedly, be ardently pursued by those 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 279 

few rarer specimens who are best fitted for the 
work, for they may find some germ of truth, 
although it's wonderful how little fresh truth we have 
learnt, that bears on life and death, on heaven and 
hell. A nation's education should be this — instruction 
in the relative value of all common things. 

Mathematics, Greek, and Latin are all very well, 
especially the first ; but when a man has learnt these 
thoroughly, he's only then just ready to supply a 
keener test to this comparative estimate of common 
things. A man is better able doubtless to explain 
and understand, and may discover something some- 
what new after a training such as this, but is the 
game worth such expensive candles, and don't many 
turn out prigs ? If the examiners for Indian appoint- 
ments chose men who could do the papers fairly well, 
and ride, and shoot, and manage men with tact, in 
preference to those who only could do papers in a 
very clever way, our hold in India would perhaps be 
firmer than it is. 

But to return. Though Greece has retrograded 
so, and though Jerusalem is now in Moslem hands, 
the truths which that strange Specimen, Socrates, 
taught Greece have been acquired by other countries 
in the world, and though the glory of Jerusalem be 
dimmed, no argument can prove the Christian teach- 
ing not to be the best as yet revealed to us. These 
views are not a broker's ; they are those of my oft- 
quoted doctor, Sana Mens. 

.Return we to our Guinea Pig. 



280 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE LXIV. 

HOW TO ANGLE FOR AN AMATORY FOOL, AND MAKE 
A PRIGGISH RECTOR YOUR FAST FRIEND. 

Emma* was the subject of Josiah Fetchem's thoughts 
that evening at the rectory. Louisa Pantosniffle 
was disgusted and perplexed. All that elaborate 
silk sheath, so gay, so wonderfully planned and built 
by Messrs. Tricke and Trimrae, the celebrated artistes 
to the Upper Ten, who can both fascinate and terrify 
all female snobs and make them spend as much as 
they can get, and often more, on dress, seemed likely 
to be wasted now. What could it mean ? Josiah 
never was like this before. Had he some other flame ? 
Vexed with these queries, which she could not answer, 
when the rector took up his work upen the — DE- 
SECRATED TITLE, " EE VEREND "— and settled 
down to read it to his Guinea Pig, the plump and 
fair Louisa rose, and bade the gentlemen good-night. 

Ye single ladies, take a hint. Louisa smiled a 
beamy smile upon Josiah as she said good-night — a 
smile full of intelligent appreciation, if not love — a 
sort of smile to make a man say as he was undress- 
ing, " A warm-hearted little thing is that Louisa, I 
believe she'd make a fellow a nice cheery wife." 

Yes, marriageable spinsters, who would wed an 
Amatory Fool, don't be too chary ' of these beamy 
smiles. Indifference is love's worst enemy. Your 



* The mine, not the lady, is of course meant. — Erasmus 
Pinto* 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 281 

fish will think of that last smile at night, and very 
likely it will dream of yon. And dreams awaken 
interest. And interest may soon turn into love. 
In angling for an Amatory Fool, the first great step 
is this, to stir him from his hole of calm indifference. 
When they were left alone, the rector droned along 
for a good hour, explained what was quite clear, 
and criticized imaginary difficulties, and, in short, so 
talked at Fetchem that at last he was obliged to stop 
through want of breath. 

Ye Guinea Pigs, if you would make a priggish 
rector your fast friend, go listen to his muddled 
lucubrations cheerfully, and when you can, dis- 
creetly praise. Suppose your learned lecturer should 
flag, just differ on some trivial point, but differ only to 
give way with facile grace. A still tongue in a careful 
listener, combined with aptitude for clever flattery, 
and a creed that changes on the minor parts to suit 
the hearer and the place, has often changed a Guinea 
Pig into a Dean. 



CHAPTEE LXV. 



THE REVEREND JOSIAH FETCHEM HAS A VERY CURIOUS 
DREAM. 

Josiah Fetchem went to bed. And still his Emma 
was the subject of his thoughts. After one half- 
hour's pleasant musing, during which, I grieve to 
say, Louisa Pantosniffle was not thought of once, he 
fell asleep. His dreams, like our " society," were just 
a little "mixed." 

At first Josiah dreamt that he went down into a 



282 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

yawning fissure in a foreign mountain capped with 
snow. The chasm was of awful depth. Within its 
caverns twenty-thousand men were piling silver ore in 
heaps and grinning horribly while at their work. 
A thousand trucks kept running past Josiah's gaze 
all filled with virgin silver ore. Why did they grin ? 
he thought. 

The scene now changed to a vast theatre. A play 
was being acted on a stage. This was the title on 
the bills, " HONESTY and HONOE are worth more 
than GOLD." The actors played their parts so well 
that the vast audience rose to a man, and clapped 
their hands with admiration and delight. Their 
playing struck a chord which was not dumb though 
dull through want of use. The curtain fell. 

It rose once more. The world-famed Brothers 
Gotthemtite appeared with acrobatic feats and juggl- 
ing tricks. At first the audience seemed listless and un- 
moved. But when the elder Gotthemtite made those 
Satanic dragon sovereigns, cheques and notes float 
through the air and almost touch the hands of those 
who sat in the front seats — when now the orchestra, as 
the baronial leader waved his magic wand, struck up 
that well known operatic air, " L'AEGENT EEINE 
DU MONDE," up sprang with one accord the pres- 
idents and senators, ambassadors and members, and 
each one tried with frantic efforts to secure the dancing 
coins, the floating cheques and notes. More fast and 
furious played the orchestra, more wildly the conductor 
waved his wand, more frantically did those in the 
front seats grasp, and rush, and struggle, until many 
fell through sheer exhaustion, and a few were even 
crushed to death. Those in the gallery and pit 
howled like wild beasts with baffled rage, to think 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 283 

they were not near the coins, and cheques, and notes. 
They were railed off with iron rails from them. 

Again the scene was changed. Madame Emma La 
Fargue appeared to Fetchem as he slept. The same 
Satanic sovereigns, each with a grinning evil face 
upon them stamped, danced all around her form. 
She, with alluring look and winning accent, seemed 
to say, " I give you these, Josiah, for your love." 

Josiah Fetchem dreamt no more, but slept a heavy 
sleep. 



CHAPTEE LXYI. 



TREATING OF THE THREE ODORS PECULIAR TO RE- 
LIGIOUS SECTS. 

Upon the Sunday morning, about nine o'clock, Josiah 
woke. He felt like one who had drunk deeply of 
strong drink, or taken a large dose of opium. Had 
it not been for duty he would not have risen. He felt 
so enervated and so heavy in the head. No wonder, 
after what the man had seen. But he remembered 
nothing of his dream except that part relating to the 
twenty thousand men and thousand silver-laden trucks 
within the wondrous Emma mine. He positively 
gasped with his emotion when he thought of this 
stupendous wealth. With automatic habit, though 
he felt so dazed and tired with this cerebral excite- 
ment, he began to don his reverend clothes. Don't 
smile, dear Outside Fools, the epithet is right enough. 
But I will give you my authority. It is the Eeverend 
Jedediah Tring's own latest work. " The DESE- 
CRATED TITLE EEVEREND." 

That work, alas ! that did Josiah such small good 



284 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

the night before his dream. This learned book thus 
lucidly explains my epithet. 

' " And further, let it be well known to all these 
godless desecrators of titles, tombstones, and grave- 
yards, and to those impious heretics who would 
reduce those few elect apostles of the one true church, 
to wit : — Tour Lordships and your humble servants, 
like myself, who are in name, and deed, and person 
truly Reverend, to the low level of an ordinary man, 
— that not only are the persons, acts, and thoughts 
of these holy apostles themselves Reverend, but that 
all their sacerdotal symbols, accessories, and vest- 
ments are Reverend in the same degree. And I would 
venture to assert, with all due submission to your Lord- 
ships, that the very coats, vests, breeches, head-gear, 
and other articles of dress belonging to these holy 
pillars of the Church, the true salt of the earth, with- 
out whom it would soon become corrupt, do contain 
within them that rare and peculiar odor by which, as 
though by a masonic sign, the elect alone are dis- 
tinguished from all other men and known to one 
another. This odor of sanctity, your Lordships, I term 
bdfirj 6e6avTog,' and this divine odor I should recognize 
myself, though it were dark. And I hold, on the 
contrary, that in or around all the coats, vests, 
breeches, head -gear and other articles of apparel with 
which those enemies of the true faith do clothe their 
godless bodies, there will ever be found a truly Satanic 
odor, differing completely from the Reverend and 
savory smell of the afore-mentioned holy apostles, 
and this I term bd/Ltr) PporeLog. 

"There is yet another odor which I propose to 
apply to those men who are very near to us in creed 
and seem to wish us well, and this I term the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 285 

bdfirj KEKpafievT], which, though very far removed from 
the Oedovrog, is yet somewhat better than the Pporsiog 06,11%. 

" The first named odor belongs exclusively to your 
Lordships, and such of your humble servants who, 
like myself, hold the one true orthodox and strict 
creed. 

"The second applies to all those insidious enemies 
of the church who, to my thinking, are far more 
dangerous than the Mahometan infidel, who, has at 
all events, paid a liberal rate of interest to many 
good and holy apostles of the true faith, and does 
not profess to be more than an infidel. I mean the 
Broad Church and the High Church, the.Eecreative 
Beligionists, the Peculiar People, the Independents, 
the Christadelphians, the Eclectics, the Progression- 
ists, the Christian Eliasites, the Free Grace Chris- 
tians, the Spiritualists, the Humanitarians, the Swed- 
enborgians, the Free Christians, the Reform Glory 
Band, the Protestants who reject Eitual, the Free 
Grace Gospel Christians, the Independent Eeligious 
Reformers, the Separatists, the Unitarians, the 
Advents, the Apostolics, the Christian Israelites, the 
Glassites, the Inghamites, the Quakers, the Ranters, 
the Eitualists, the Eeformers, the Calvinists, Armin- 
ians, and Moravians, and the Nonconformists too 
numerous to mention here. 

" The third odor I have sometimes thought I have 
perceived in certain of the Wesleyans and Wesleyan 
Methodists, the Evangelical Dissenters, and here 
and there a Eevivalist, who have all shown your 
humble servant great respect on all occasions that 
have offered; but I humbly ask your Lordship's 
advice as to this uncertain odor, seeing that I am but 



286 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

as a farthing rushlight to the sun compared with 
your Lordships." 

There, my dear " Outside Fools," I think I have 
quoted sufficiently from the treatise of this prosy and 
long-winded ecclesiastical pundit, who goes on anathe- 
matizing all other doxies but his own, and kissing 
their Lordships' hands for 470 pages of close print. 
Faugh ! the book itself has the odor of sanctity too 
strong for my nerves. 

Now if any captious critic should venture to affirm 
that the true and Reverend apostle cannot scent 
the presence or approach of a brother-apostle, 
who is also worthy of the priceless title of 
Reverend, or if such critic or late learned sciolist 
should rashly declare that it is impossible to dis- 
tinguish the two Odors, tO wit, the OeSavroc bdjuy 
and the nenpauhr) bS/ui), by their different degrees of 
sanctity, or to recognise through the agencj^ of this 
keen religious scent (which is in most cases further 
aided by the stimulating influence of the Odium 
Theologicum) the presence or approach of that grosser 
carnal odor of the heretic, the 66^?) Pporeiog, which is 
in unsanctified rankness as the pungent smell of the 
negro to the civilized perfume of the European, such 
critic or sciolist must be an unlettered, unimagina- 
tive dolt. 

However dark the night may Jbe, no less an authority 
than Humbolt assures us that the Indians of Peru 
can distinguish the approach of a stranger, even 
though he be far away, and can readily determine 
whether he be a European, Indian, or Blackamoor. 
If, then, the untutored savage can with such unerring 
perception distinguish, even from a distance and in 
the gloom of night, the odor of these different races, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 287 

with no Odium Theologicum to assist his natural 
instinct, has civilisation, has the learning of the 
great divines not taught a holy man to know his 
brother by the odorous sign ? can he not tell, though 
pricked by Odium's goad, the evil-smelling heretic, or 
diagnose that fainter odor which is "just a little 
mixed ? " Go to, I will not waste my words upon 
such unbelieving critics. Why, such men would 
never know a nigger from a holy man by scent. 

I suppose you will allow that I have now ample 
authority to apply the term Reverend to the breeches 
of the Eev. Josiah Fetchem. Let us see. We left 
him putting them on while musing still upon the 
wonders of his darling Emma's wealth. Said he, 
while bracing up the bdfirj deoovrog to its proper height, — 

" I really think I shall turn optimist. It is the 
most astounding proof of human nature's goodness 
that I've ever seen, nor would I have believed, had 
not the dividends been paid, that keen Americans 
would have transferred to Britishers for such a sum an 
Eldorado like to this. Emma, Emma, there is some- 
thing in the name; I always did think trochees very 
pleasing to the ear." 

Has Josiah got his reverend breeches on ? Madam, 
the odor of sanctity is now braced up. Indeed he 
has put all his reverend vestments on, and is now 
going down the stairs. 



288 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE LXVIL 

TREATING OF HABITS, SECONDARY AUTOMATISM AND 
THE ASSERTION OF PHILOSOPHERS THAT "WHEN" 
THE SUM OF THE CONDITIONS OF A CASE ARE 
KNOWN THE RESULT CAN BE PREDICTED WITH 
CERTAINTY." 

'Tis Aristotle, [ believe, who says that a habit is 
only a series of acts. If this be true, which there 
cannot be the slightest reason to doubt, the Reverend 
Josiah Fetehem had acquired a fresh habit. By sl 
rapid series .of repeated blows of thought he had 
so hammered the word Emma upon the anvil of 
his brain that it was there stereotyped as firmly as 
a shoe is impressed upon a horse's hoof when affixed 
by a clever blacksmith. Observe, philosophers, how 
wonderful the power of money is. Josiah's new 
habit of thinking of Emma had disregarded the 
rules of science, which forbid any unseemly or 
abnormal celerity in the acquisition of habits, and, 
under the stimulating influence of the Moot of Evil, 
had actually passed into the stage of Secondary Auto- 
matism, which in intensity and strength of influence 
upon the man was little short of Congenital Auto- 
matism itself. 

Now I doubt not but that your Worships and your 
Eeverences have frequently observed how, in the 
process of taking a constitutional, you will often 
walk over the ground you are used to, without 
either heeding your progress much or exercising any 
appreciable mental effort during your perambula- 
tions. 

It is not unfrequently so with a parson in reading 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 289 

the prayers. If his body or mind, or both, happen 
to be abnormally wearied, he becomes for the time 
being a devout automaton, and as the volition and 
the cerebral organs are, so to speak, in a state of 
automatic narcotism, the afferent nerves convey with- 
out mental aid the necessary stimulus through the 
spinal cord to the referent nerves, and the result is, 
your Worships, and your Eeverences, that the 
prayers are read. You are doubtless aware that cer- 
tain heretical philosophers have asserted that, " When 
the sum of the conditions of any case be known, the result 
can be predicted with certainty ." This inference is 
true enough, as your Worships will doubtless allow. 
But in what case is the " sum of the conditions " suffi- 
ciently known by a mortal man, so as to confidently 
predict the result ? If there be any such cases it 
certainly is when a client begins to deal with a broker 
on 'Change. Arguing from Experience, which I 
suppose is Reason — seeing that if you showed a 
broker's infant child at the very instant when it 
began to notice anything for the first time, half-a- 
crown, it must inevitably expect to see, from its 
experience of. what it had seen, nothing more or less 
than another half-crown — so arguing, I say, we 
might certainly, with as much justice assume that we 
knew the " sum of the conditions" in the client's case, 
and could therefore confidently predict the result, 
viz., ruin, as these heretical philosophers can assume 
that it is possible for a human being himself to know^, 
or for other human beings to know with regard to 
him, that he is predestined or predetermined to be 
saved or lost. I can assure your Worships and your 
Eeverences that we brokers and jobbers watch these 
important philosophical speculations with the deepest 

N 



290 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

interest, for if we can once regard ourselves as simple 
machines, and accept the proposition that every 
client who deals with us is predestined and predeter- 
mined to lose his money, and that we are predestined 
and , predetermined to be the instruments through 
which he loses it, a load will be removed from our 
consciences, seeing that all trifling distinctions be- 
tween right and wrong will vanish as smoke, and 
we shall, with our hats stuck well at the back of our 
heads, continue to clean out our clients with auto- 
matic indifference and content, and shall be freed 
from that fear of the hostile designs of Sir Henry 
James which we, in common with the speculative 
members of parliament, have felt for some time past 
in no small degree. 

One thing I am sure of. Aristotle's series of acts 
with all of us has long since become a habit. This 
habit, in the case of most of us, has been constitution- 
ally transmitted from father to son until it has 
become no longer secondary, but congenital automa- 
tism. 

We, therefore, in all justice, cannot be so much to 
blame as a man would be who began to clean out 
clients before he had passed from the stage of ac- 
quired or secondary into the stage of original or 
congenital automatism. 

But, your Eeverences, the thinking portion of our 
community declare that they are quite unable at 
present to get rid of this disagreeable moral re- 
sponsibility, and they can see no convincing evi- 
dence yet adduced by these heretical philosophers, 
which proves that this " sum of the conditions of any 
case " is ever completely known by the finite creature 
called man, be he a broker or a philosopher. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 291 



CHAPTER LXVIII. 

A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION BETWEEN NATHANIEL 
SEESAW, REGINALD MEEKIN, AND DR. SANA MENS. 

I will just relate the conversation that passed 
between Dr. .Sana Mens and Reginald Meekin, of 
our set, on this important point, which I myself 
took part in. Mens is a man of fair average health, 
and great logical power. Meekin has a wonderful 
physique, and both from constitution and profession is 
a man of action rather than thought. 

" My dear Mens," said Meekin, "there can be no 
doubt at all, in the case of ' Outside Speculators/ 
that what your philosopher terms ' the sum of the 
conditions' is -completely known by us, and that being 
so, of course such speculators are predestined to lose 
their money. Our system never fails. 

" Its machinery is mathematically adjusted^ silent, 
and to a great extent, unseen in its working, for it 
is the elaborate and complete production of many 
brilliant and logical minds in many ages, minds 
stimulated to exertion by that greatest principle of 
action desire to gain or keep, and every individual 
speculator has to contend unaided against this 
magnificent and perfect system, besides being most 
materially and in many ways invisibly hindered 
and hampered by his dealing and broking agents, 
by the second-hand gabble of his fellow-speculators, 
the interested lies given to touts by financiers, and 
the planned and garbled statements of the money 
articles in the newspapers, and, lastly, by the fact 
that he pretends to be, say, for example, a shoe- 



292 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

maker, and competes with skilled shoemakers, 
though he does not know the proper use of leather, 
knife, or last. And, more, he is not able to get the 
knowledge if he would, for we shoemakers on 
'Change take care that none shall lift the curtain 
that conceals our cobbling tricks, the pall that hides 
our inside mysteries. On speculation's chess-board 
we know what the public's moves will be. They 
don't know ours. That makes all the difference. 
The moment that we find the public (not the strong 
financial clique) has done one thing much, we do 
the opposite. If they did right, we should do wrong. 
But our wrong would make money, and their right 
would not. Of course I'm talking of the majority, 
and not the few. The thing's as plain, old man," 
said Meekin, " as the nose upon your face, and good- 
ness knows I might see that full half a niile away on 
a straight road and a fine day." 

That Eeggy Meekin could not do without his joke, 
and certainly he had a nose, a very large, sagacious, 
and assertive nose. 

" Your inference is quite correct," said Sana Mens, 
"and so is the philosopher's; but how about the 
premises? I grant you that speculators are more 
likely to lose on 'Change than you or I to fail to get 
to heaven ; but that is not enough. You must prove 
incontestably that ' the sum of conditions ' is completely 
known to you, or to your clients, or to both, before 
you can assert correctly that you know that they are 
predestined to be ruined, or that they know themselves 
to be predestined so." 

" And have I not proved this? " said Meekin to his 
friend. 

" Indeed you've not," said Sana Mens. " Will you 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 293 

allow that, of one thousand clients, one may die 
before he is ' cleaned out/ as you would say ? " 

"Of course I will." 

" Will you allow that one may, through a long 
experience, unusual opportunities to learn, or being 
by his constitution rogue and cheat, see through the 
plan sufficiently to keep away or imitate our way of 
dealing so as to make something, or, at all events, 
not lose." 

" Why, yes, I must grant that." 

"Then, my dear Meekin, though it may be true 
that scarcely one escapes, still you do not completely 
know this ' sum of the conditions ' in the case, and so 
you can not predicate of any single client that he is 
either predestined to be ruined or escape." 

" Well, now, that's very odd," said Meekin. 
"What you say seems true ; and yet it ought not to 
be true. Proceed, perhaps I shall see better soon." 

" We said above, that it was much more likely 
that a broker's client should lose all on 'Change than 
that either you or I should lose our chance of heaven, 
did we not?" 

" We did." 

" ' The sum of the conditions,' then, is harder to 
discover in the latter case. Is that not so? " 

" It is." 

" Suppose you saw a man going quickly to the 
bad, through drink, or dice, or crime, could you 
assert that he would not reform ? 

" I should not think he would." 

" That's not enough. Could you declare that he 
would not." 

" Well, no, I do not think I could." 

"Suppose a man should say, 'I am an atheist,' 



294 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

could you positively affirm with truth that he be- 
lieves the words he speaks ? " 

"I do not think I could; for men who simply 
don't believe in one set creed, have said that they 
were atheists/' 

" I think this term is loosely used for Deist, or 
for Pantheist, and that these self-styled i atheists ' 
are but Dissenters in some other form, however odd 
that form may be, and however little recognized, 
because there are so few belonging to that form. At 
bottom, whether the first motive be a superstitious 
fear or a blind faith, each human being who is sane 
believes in something stronger than himself, and that 
is God in some one of the unnumbered forms and 
ideas of God there are to suit the different minds, 
just as the Evil One will take unnumbered shapes to 
suit each man's idea of what a Satan's personality 
should be. There is some good in all beliefs. By far 
the best is that of Christians who interpret what the 
Bible says with charity. But atheists cannot have a 
belief. I never will believe that there has lived an 
atheist who was both sane and honest when he styled 
himself an atheist. And even granting that a man's 
an atheist, can you affirm that he will die an 
atheist?" 

" Oh ! no." 

a Have you not seen men in good health with 
strong convictions and strong prejudices, who when 
they have lost their health, or undergone a course 
of lowering medicine, have altered those convictions 
and got rid of their strong prejudices, even if they 
have adopted other ones ? " 

" I often have ; but never thought about it much. " 

" Then any human being may so change in body, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 295 

thoughts, and acts that no one can affirm at any period 
of his life that he correctly knows ' the sum of the 
conditions' with reference to that being?" 

"This would seem to be the case." 

" And can you tell when any human being is to 
die?" 

" Why do you ask? Of course I cannot tell." 

" Then, my dear Meekin, there is no philosopher 
alive, there never has lived one, who -has the right 
to say that any human being is predestined to be 
saved or lost. 

" As for the probability of this or that, it's nothing 
to the point. God never made one fool a judge of 
other fools' first motives and morality ; that is 
between their conscience and their God. I challenge 
and defy philosophers to prove that in one single 
case they do completely know ' the sum of the condi- 
tions,'' as their language has the term, that's requisite 
to draw conclusions so untenable and dangerous. 
And if they cannot prove this thing, what right have 
they to trouble weaker minds with doubt? What 
right to try and pull an admirable fabric down, and 
build none other up? It is a burning shame that 
Science and so-called Philosophy should idly speculate 
and attitudinize to gain applause, instead of working 
honestly to illustrate what is. ' Whatever is, is right,' 
to-day. To-morrow the improved 'whatever is, is 
right ' and only needs explaining more, and this 
should be man's aim, to make it clear." 

"But, Sana Mens," said Meekin, "though a broker 
cannot get ' the sum of the conditions ' requisite to 
predicate the certain ruin of a client, and although 
philosophers cannot affirm with certainty that one 
man is predestined to be saved, another to be lost, 



296 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

cannot a client tell himself that he is so predestined, 
and cannot man's inner consciousness enable man to 
say, ' I am predestined to be lost or saved ? ' " 

" Well, let us see," said Sana Mens; "this must be 
sifted carefully. Books do not help us here. Why 
do your clients speculate, Nathaniel Seesaw ? " said 
he, turning towards me. 

11 Because they like it, I suppose," said I. 

" That is too general ; besides, it is no reason 
really." 

"You give your reasons," I replied, to Sana Mens, 
" and I and Meekin will correct you when we think 
you're wrong." 

" Well, I will try. Old Horace says philosophers 
are the best workmen at all trades, and so, by argu- 
ing on, they're kings. I wish that Horace was alive ; 
I warrant if he tried that theory on ' Change he'd 
say it was a fallacy before a year was past. However, 
I will do my best. 

" 1. Man is a gambling animal. Life has itself a 
gambling element, though slight to those who think 
and work ; but still it has the element, and rightly 
so, because this world is not the only world we have 
to live in, in a state of misery or happiness ; what 
seems incongruous in this world will seem all right 
in the world to come. 

" 2. Man craves for mystery, or if he do not, then 
he dies, for all is clear to one who has no craving of 
that sort. 

" 3. Man likes excitement. His physical condition 
often is the stronger cause of this, especially in 
nervo-bilious temperaments, and when there's fog 
and damp about. 

11 4. Man is allured by greed of gain. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 297 

" 5. And man is vain, and fain would seem more 
clever than his fellow-man. 

" 6. Man is gregarious and proud, and dearly loves 
to mix with bigger men." 

" But will these reasons do ? They are all true 
enough," we both replied. 

" Well now, my friends, I hold that ignorance is 
vice, up to a great extent ; and do you think, pray, 
that your clients would keep speculating on if they 
once know ' the sum of the conditions' of which their 
speculation is but the result ? " 

" By heaven, I think they would be scared away 
as crows at sight of gun," said I. 

" Most would give up, no doubt," said Meekin ; 
" common sense would save their purse." 

"Then no client can say, ' I am predestined to be 
ruined upon 'Change,' " said Sana Mens. "Just as 
in racing, one alone can win, but still all hope to 
win, and hug the narcotizing hope, so in the game 
of speculation, although scarcely one may win, 
unless he be a rogue behind the scenes, or have so 
much that he can influence markets by his capital, 
still each thinks he may be that one, and none can 
prove he may not be. All human weakness, igno- 
rance, and vice, conspire to make him think he may 
prove the exception to the rule. And this is why, 
though legislation may reform and circumscribe the 
area of chicanery, it will be powerless to do much 
good. The cards will but be dealt and shuffled in 
another way. 3STor are the men who deal and shuffle 
so much more to blame than those who play with 
them. There is no cure for speculation, never will 
be while the world is what it is. But much may 
still be done to stay the spread of speculation, and 



298 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

the fearful losses that are made, if the public will but 
learn and think, and not act blindly like insensate 
fools. But if they read no books but novels that 
contain adultery and bigamy, and mystery, and 
slander, all combined, there's nothing to be done but 
wait. God always cures ills in His own time. But 
to return. We've shown that broker's clients can- 
not truly say themselves that they are predetermined 
to be ruined on 'Change ? ' " 

81 We have," we both replied. 

" And we have further shown that no philosopher 
can truly say of any man, l I have " the sum of the 
conditions" requisite to tell that you are predeter- 
mined and predestined to be lost or saved.' " 

" We have," said we. 

" Now let us, lastly, see if man can ever get suffi- 
cient knowledge of ' the sum of the conditions ' to assert 
with truth, about himself, ' I shall be saved, or I shall 
not be saved.' " 

"We both have heard men say so of themselves," 
said we to Sana Mens, " and men have their own con- 
science to assist them to obtain this knowledge of 
themselves, while the philosopher has no such aid to 
guide him in his efforts to obtain this knowledge of 
another man." 

88 They have a better chance than the philosopher," 
said Sana Mens; "but is it good enough? You 
know these words, l Whom HE did foreknow, him he 
did predestinate.' " 

" We do," we both replied. 

" Does man foreknow what he shall do, or think, 
or say next month or year ? " 

" He does not," we replied. 

"Does not his body change with exercise or rest, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 299 

with sickness and with health, and does not his mind 
alter much with all these agencies ? " 

" It does," we both rejoined. 

"May not man's conscience tell a man at one time 
that one course is right, and at another that a differ- 
ent one is right?" 

" We do not think it likely," we replied, :i but still 
it may." 

" The possibility is quite sufficient for my argu- 
ment," said Sana Mens. " Then, though man's con- 
science said to man, 'You are predestined to be saved 
or lost,' he must not trust to it in that respect. His 
conscience, like his body and his mind, may change 
with further light." 

"It seems so," we replied. 

" Then, my dear friends," said Sana Mens, " if man 
does not and cannot foreknow what he is going to do, 
or think, or say next month or year, and if he cannot 
trust his conscience on this one point, because it, like 
his body and his mind, may change, a fortiori can 
man not foreknow that he is predetermined or pre- 
destined to be lost or saved." 

" He cannot from our argument," said we. 

"But, Sana Mens," said Meekin, " do not men more 
often say that GOD and not that they themselves fore- 
know that they are predetermined or predestinated to 
be lost or saved ? " 

"They do," said Sana Mens ; "God has predestin- 
ated all to be condemned or saved. What then ? " 

"Why, this," said Meekin; "it takes away free 
agency if God has predetermined and predestinated 
what man's fate must be. And so it is, some men give 
up all thought about a future state, because, say they, 
it makes no difference what we may do to the result." 



300 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

"Well, let us sift this argument/' said Sana Mens. 
We have already proved that God foreknows, but 
that man does not foreknow." 

"We have." 

" We have already proved that man can never gain 
sufficient knowledge of ' the sum of the conditions' 
requisite to say correctly, < The result is that I shall 
be saved, not lost,' or, Q The result is that I shall be 
lost, not saved.' 

" We have." 

" Then all the knowledge man can hope to gain of 
this is this one fact, that God foreknows if man is to 
be saved or lost." 

"It is." 

" Then man has not the smallest right to say, ' It 
makes no difference how I may act.' 

" God does not tell him which fate his must be. 
God does not give him any means of knowing which 
it is to be. 

"And jet man dares to assume an attribute of God 
and say, < I am saved, or I am lost, 1 just because God 
knows that he is one or the other. 

" God's foreknowledge does not take away man's 
free agency. 

"He voluntarily surrenders it himself when he 
asserts without a warrant that he is — not either saved 
or lost — for there would be no harm in that, but that 
he knows he will be saved, not lost, or that he knows 
that he will be lost, not saved. 

"The moment he makes this unwarrantable choice, 
trying to draw a warrant from God's foreknowledge, 
man voluntarily surrenders his free agency, and God 
does not take it away. 

" My friends, we may safely assert that no broker 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 301 

can predict with truth, ( That client will he ruined;' 
that no client can predict of himself with truth, 6 I 
shall be ruined; 1 that no philosopher can say, ' " I have 
the sum of the conditions" requisite to correctly predict 
this man's future;' or that a man can correctly say 
of himself, ' " I have the sum of the conditions" requisite 
to predict with truth whether I shall be saved, not 
lost, or lost, not saved.' 

" Let a man have faith that he may be saved, and 
work hard to see that he is saved, for that is the only 
way to have any chance. These quibbles about 
phrases and words will never help him on the road 
to heaven." 

lt Well, I believe that's true," we both replied. And 
so our dialogue came to its end. 



CHAPTER LXIX. 

CONTAINING APOLOGIES TO THE READER AND A VER- 
ITABLE HISTORY OF THE STARTLING EFFECTS OF 
CONGENITAL AUTOMATISM UPON A DOGMATIC BRIDE- 
GROOM AND A SCIENTIFIC BRIDE. 

My dear " Outside Fools," and more particularly 
my fair readers, if I should have the luck to find 
any, accept my apologies for the sermonizing you 
have had to listen to ever since our Josiah had that 
curious dream. On my honor as a broker there was 
no help for it. 

Both I and .Reginald Meekin knew what we had 
to expect when we went to dinner with Sana Mens, 
at whose house all the sermonizing took place. He 
loves his fellow-creatures, I am sure, does Sana 



302 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Mens, but I believe that he loves an argument better. 
Once get him started on a topic where there is room 
for original views, and he will go on without stopping 
for a week or more, just as an eight-day clock without 
winding up. Sana Mens always seems to me to be 
wound up. Yes, madam, and nearly always ready to 
strike. The " Madam" referred to here, my critical 
friends, is Mrs. Curiosa Sciolist, who, as well as Mrs. 
Sana Mens, was a listener to our discussion. 

The only remark Mrs. Sana Mens, who is an admi- 
rable wife, and foolishly believes that women are 
more happy when the grey mare is not the better 
horse, was this. She said, — 

" I am quite sure that reason has nothing to do with 
speculation, Mr. Seesaw, and I always told my hus- 
band so, when he would dabble a bit, fancying logic 
would help him, for, as you say, the pieces are often 
moved on the chess-board of speculation in an illo- 
gical way on purpose to catch the l Outside Pools/ 
I could not express this in words, but I had an 
instinct that it was so." 

" Yes, madam," said I " the instincts of your sex 
are often nearer to the point than the reason of 
ours." 

Madam Curiosa Sciolist, who is a widow, and 
staying with Dr. Sana Mens for treatment is an 
advanced believer in " Woman's Rights" longs for 
a vote, has already discarded the petticoat, and will 
often sorely puzzle Dr. Sana Mens himself in argu- 
ment. It is on record that on the day when she was 
married to Septimus Sciolist, Esq., M.A.,A.S.S. whose 
name often appeared on the prospectuses of some of 
the minor joint stock companies of the day for a 
consideration, when they had dined at their hotel at 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 303 

Dover, which place the god Hymen had selected for 
the consummation of his rites, after an excellent 
dinner, and when now it was time that they should 
retire, and bethink them of the main business for 
which the holy rite of matrimony was chiefly 
ordained, Sciolist, with the best possible intentions, 
thinking it to be, as he afterwards told me, over a 
glass of wine, a graceful piece of strategy, made this 
remark, — 

" My darling Curiosa, you must be tired to death. 
Go to bed, there's a love," 

I give you my honor, ladies, it was nothing but 
one of society's little subterfuges, a sheltering phrase 
to cover a virgin modesty and give the bride the 
opportunity to avoid saying, ; *I want to go to bed." 

Of course, if Jane Smith should marry Eichard 
Hodge, there is no need of any subterfuge or finesse, 
for nature is not trammelled by art or fashion, and 
so the business is easily concluded. 

But it was very different in the case of the 
Sciolists. They moved in very good society. The 
fashionable world had its eye upon their movements, 
and before Curiosa Hairsplitte, to the wonder of 
her female friends and admirers, had deigned to wed 
her Septimus, she had been looked upon as the com- 
ing champion of the rights of her sex. 

Indeed she had a sense of degradation upon her 
even on the wedding-day, a feeling that she was a 
renegade to her supporters for having so tamely made 
this very important concession to man's supremacy. 

No doubt, my fair readers, it was not this simple 
remark alone, nor even its slightly dictatorial char- 
acter, that roused the argumentative and combative 
qualities of Curiosa's mind; but, as philosophers 



3 04 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

would say, her mental passivity , of which she was un- 
conscious, manifested itself by effects of which she 
was conscious. And so was Septimus ere long. So 
instead of retiring, as you and I, madam, would have 
supposed she would readily have done, her mental 
passivity, having suddenly become active, made her 
say, " I am not the least tired, Septimus, thank you." 

Now Septimus Sciolist was an M.A. and A.S.S., be- 
sides being possessed of other honorable titles of 
distinction too numerous to mention, and, alas, like 
many others who may append an M.A. and A.S.S. 
to their names with perfect justice, he was dogmatic. 

Instead, therefore, of discreetly waiting for events 
to unfold themselves easily, as no doubt they would 
have done — instead of giving his bride a loving em- 
brace, as a newly-wed M.A. ought to have done, and 
holding his tongue, our bridegroom must needs re- 
join, with that dogmatic tone with which I do believe 
that each corporeal particle of his whole frame was 
tainted, " Curiosa, you must be tired, your eyes are 
half shut now." 

Now, observe, my dear readers, this was the second 
time that Septimus Sciolist, Esq., M.A., A.S.S., had 
made use of the word must to his scientific bride. 
The repetition of that word must would have been 
trying to any unscientific lady who was not a cham- 
pion of her sex's rights, but it instantly and com- 
pletely banished any lurking passivity of which the 
fair Curiosa might have been still unconscious. 

With eyes by no means half shut, but wider open 
than was good for their beauty of expression, and 
in the lively tones that are appropriate to positive 
Mental Activity, she exclaimed, — 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 305 

" I tell you, Septimus, I am not tired in the least, 
nor did I deign to marry to be dictated to." 

" My dear Curiosa," replied the bridegroom, "I did 
not mean to dictate (and here the devil or the dog- 
matic corporeal particles tempted him to add), 
although, if you come to argue the matter, the wife 
is bound to obey her husband, in all reasonable 
matters such as these." 

" Such as what ? " 

"Madam ! I beg you will not interrupt me. Have 
patience." 

The only chance of peace was destroyed by this 
last unfortunate remark. Curiosa Sciolist was again 
in imagination Curiosa Hairsplitte, and she at once 
brought to bear all the logic, rhetoric, syllogisms, 
enthymemes, similes, metaphors, tropes, arguments, 
and all other weapons which the now-awakened 
Mental Activity had at its command to demolish 
that heretical notion of feminine submission to 
which our sex so fondly clings. Septimus, on the 
other hand, called forth all the Latency of his 
mental and corporeal dogmatic particles, and as the 
belligerents were worthy of each other's steel, the 
battle raged with alternating fortune, and with not a 
sign of either champion giving in. They kept it up 
with most unflagging spirit till the clock struck 
three. The waiter, thinking something must be 
wrong, tapped at the door, and from the excited looks 
of both belligerents, he thought the row was serious, 
or else they were both lunatics. They neither of 
them knew how loud their voices were. This calmed 
the bridegroom, who began to feel ashamed. Dis- 
missing the waiter with some lame excuse, he went 
to bed without another word. His bride in dudgeon 



306 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

sate there still, dissatisfied, and feeling that, at all 
events, she had not gained more than she had already 
lost. And still her pride kept her upon her lonely 
chair, until the gas went out, and till the chamber- 
maid, with candle in hand, said, " Would not madam 
like to go to bed?" 

She went ; there was no help for it, or else she 
would have stayed up all the night. She found that 
her dogmatic lord had gone to sleep. 

Still vowing, " I will not submit unless he owns he 
was wrong," the beauteous Curiosa laid aside her 
robes. 

Don't start, ye prudish, canting, hypocritical, im- 
modest, and immoral " Outside Fools." It is not I, 
but ye, who are indelicate, and as for Mrs. Grundy 
let her get to heaven if she can. There's nothing to 
conceal. The beauteous Curiosa laid aside her robes. 
Had her dogmatic lord not been asleep he might 
have seen — a woman, that is all. And what are you, 
pray, Miss Demure ? It's not my fault if you are not 
a woman too. A woman now-a-days looks sometimes 
more indecent when she's dressed. Ah! don't you 
know that woman is the sweetest mystery of all the 
many mysteries in life ? Bat if you ladies will dress 
so, she'll soon not be a mystery at all. 

The beauteous Curiosa laid her down to rest. Her 
Septimus awoke. She vowed, u I never will submit," 
and while she still was vowing, had submitted to her 
Septimus. Philosophers, ye are right here. Congenital 
Automatism conquered both the champion of Dogma 
and of Woman's Eights, and, I rejoice to say, proved 
this, e that nature still can hold her own against the 
philosophic mists and barren theories that now per- 
plex men's brains. Ye scientific maidens, do not 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 307 

trifle with these mysteries. Submission in this case, 
observe, came rather late. And the insulted god of 
marriage vowed he'd be revenged. The Sciolists were 
bound to Paris the next day. What with Science, 
and the Dogma, and the late submission, both the 
combatants were very weary when the time to cross 
the channel came, although they both were quite at 
home now with each other, and each tried to gratify 
the other's slightest wish. 

But Hymen vowed he'd be revenged, and iEolus 
conspired. It was a breeze when they first started, 
but it soon became a gale. Our Master of Arts 
was standing upon deck, not feeling quite himself, 
nad holding in his hand a glass containing S. and 
B. Behind him stood a short and puffy gentleman. 
Both gentlemen were back to back, and Septimus 
was tali — the puffy, as I said, was short. The vessel 
gave a heavy luch, just as our friend was going to 
drink. Backwards he fell, and raising up the still 
full glass in vain attempt to save himself, the con- 
tents were shot down the neck of the short puffy 
gentleman, who stood behind, and passed out at his 
shirt cuffs in abundant streams, and down into his 
boots. He swore, not mildly, by his gods. But 
Septimus was far too ill to quarrel or apologize. 
So was his wife. Drenched, wearied out, and well- 
nigh tired of life, the married pair reached Paris safe 
at last. They did not sit up long. Philosophers, ye 
score again. Congenital Automatism surely made 
them sick. How so ? Why, both the father and the 
mother of the bride and groom were always sick at 
sea. Or was it outraged Hymen ? I can't tell. 
They got on pretty well as married folk, with now 
and then a little breeze of science, or a gale of dog- 



308 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

matism, until the missing link arrived. The what? 
The missing link, madam, to wit, a fine dogmatic 
scientific boy. It spoke six months before all other 
children do. Its first articulate sound was " won't." 
Its next was "will." The parents were amazed. 
They gave up science after this, and dogmatism too, 
the wife submitted to her husband's will, and both 
were happy then. A fine old mystery this, ye sage 
philosophers. But ye are right again. Congenital 
Automatism made the child say won't and will. The 
parents were so much alike. Each gave an equal 
share of wilful and of won'tful particles unto their 
child. 

It's wonderful how much that missing link changed 
Curiosa and her spouse. They both have often 
laughed since then to think that they could be such 
fools. 

But, perhaps you don't believe that this brat of the 
Sciolists possessed the parents' tendencies so strongly 
marked ? 

Lend me your ears, ye " Outside Fools." 

I had a little Guinea Pig. It was not Clerical, 
but it was Lay. I made a lesion, by unlucky chance, 
in Guinea Piggy's spinal cord ; and then I slightly 
pinched its face to see if it was dead. My Guinea 
Pig had straightway epileptic fits. 

My epileptic Guinea Pig took to itself a wife. In 
course of time the married pair had little Guinea 
Pigs. These little Guinea Pigs had epileptic fits, 
without a lesion of the spinal cord. 

Observe, ye careless parents, what ye may and can 
do for your little ones that are to be. 

Be very careful of your wills and won'ts, for they 
are fraught with consequence. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 309 

Such was my Guinea Pig, but it was Lay. 

Now was it not transmitted automatic power that 
made this brat of Sciolist's say won't and then say 
will f 

" But, madam, pray where did we leave our Clerical 
Guinea Pig?" 

" He was just bracing up the odor of sanctity, sir, 
if I remember right." 

" Nay, madam, had he not already braced it up, 
and was he not just going down the stairs? " 

11 But surely, sir, the going down the stairs is 
nothing to the point, whereas the bracing of the odor 
of sanctity has everything to do with it." 

" Madam, you are right ; I stand corrected. 

How a woman jumps straight to the point, as 
though it were with one instinctive leap ; while men 
keep fumbling with their "Shall I?" and their 
"Shalln't I?" then, "Does it?" and then, « Don't 
it?" and their pros and cons, until the whole pith of 
the matter has escaped unknown to them ! 



CHAPTEE LXX. 

TREATING OF THE STARTLING AND NEVER-BEFORE- 
IMAGINED EFFECTS OF UNCONSCIOUS CEREBRATION 
ON A CLERICAL GUINEA PIG. 

Josiah, as I said, went down the stairs, and took his 
odor of sanctity along with him. The rector and 
the fair Louisa were already breakfasting. It was 
now nearly ten o'clock, and service should begin at 
half-past ten. Our Guinea Pig made efforts to collect 



310 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

his wandering thoughts at breakfast-time, and raised 
Miss Pantosniffle's spirits to not a little above par by 
the attentive way in which he seemed to listen when 
she spoke. 

Between ourselves, dear "Outside Fools," Josiah, 
with a Secondary Automatic Thought, was dreaming 
still of his dear Emma, while his body, in response 
to that so natural prompting which most men feel 
towards the other sex, and in obedience to a Primary 
Automatism, was paying heed to what the lady said. 
Had there but been a short brisk walk to church, 
Josiah's brain would very likely have regained its 
normal state, and no result so startling and impor- 
tant would have happened to our Guinea Pig. But, 
doubtless for the good of all philosophers, the rectory 
was close to the churchyard, the church not fifty 
yards away. It now was half-past ten. The congre- 
gation were assembled, and the members of the 
orchestra were seated in the long low gallery that ran 
across the west end of the church, and sundry 
scrapings upon Captain Dudman's violin, with one 
or two premonitory grunts from Barloe Healey on 
the reedy-toned bassoon, struck on our ears. Louisa 
Pantosniffle and some village nightingales sat in the 
gallery to aid with vocal melody the instrumental 
efforts of the gentlemen I have already named in 
chapter sixty of this Book. 

Madame La Fargue was in her pew close by the 
reading-desk, and had her ocular artillery directed to 
the spot where our Josiah's face was soon to be. . A 
very striking-looking woman was Madame La Fargue. 
The Great Whoppliddians looked on her with wonder 
and respect, as one who knew so much more than 
they did. Her golden hair was envied by the simple 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 311 

village girls. Her nose was a straight beautifully 
chiselled Grecian nose, the nostrils well distended, 
showing sensibility and taste, and Byron's " beautiful 
disdain." Her eyes were very bright, the pupils 
large and full, her lips like coral, her com- 
plexion fresh and blooming as a rose, her teeth 
were regular and white as pearls. Her forehead's 
veins, so well defined, bespoke the aristocrat, her 
ample bust the matron rather than the maid. And 
yet, though she had all these charms, Miss Panto- 
sniffle was the favorite at Whopplidde-in-the-Fen. 
There was more nature there, the other was all art. 

Dear " Outside Fools," the service has begun. 
The singing of the village girls, led by the fair 
Louisa, really was not bad. Becuda Smales broke 
in with fitful and discordant roar that rather marred 
the melody ; but that was only now and then. Gad 
Vessey was all there, his sanctimonious whine was 
at its best. 

He rapped the irreligious village boys' heads till 
they rang again, and smiled upon them with a 
saintly smile as whimpering they rubbed their aching 
pates. 

Yet even while Josiah read, Unconscious Cerebration 
did its silent work. 

I grieve to say, your Lordships, Worships, and 
your Eeverences, that if you come to a philosophical 
analysis, it was but an Automaton who read the 
prayers. The EGO was with Emma still. 

Observe, philosophers. This Guinea Pig had 
dreamt no ordinary dream. And though there was 
no lesion of the spinal cord, think how the man's 
Sensori-Motor Apparatus had been taxed. How the 
Sensorium had been diverted from its intellectual 



312 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

or Cerebral to its Sensational side. Josiah never 
had much will when in his normal state of mind. But 
now he was a bull of Emmas, which had risen more 
than two per cent. Satanic dragon sovereigns danced 
around his wearied brain. 

And well you know, philosophers, that if you 
wish to fix your close attention on some object, the 
effort will be greater in proportion to the charms of 
any other object that may synchronously magnetize 
your sensory. 

A college-friend of Turnabout's young brother's 
married a girl-graduate, with golden-hair. And he 
was very fond of problems, and was just about to 
solve a problem worthy of his wrangler's steel. His 
sweet wife-graduate, with golden hair, came dancing 
gaily to her wrangler's side, and simply said, " Dear 
Charley, do this little sum for me." Congenital 
Automatism drove all secondary problems far away. 
Of course he did her little sum. And so would you, 
philosopher, unless your telegraghic cable offices 
were bare of furniture. And such philosophers are 
worse than any fools. What ? Did not Aristotle 
go down on all fours and take a beauty on his 
back, while Alexander's court looked on ? He did, 
and it was doubtless done to show how strong is this 
Congenital Automatism. 

Well, sages, fight it out among yourselves. It is 
not mine to analyze, but chronicle. I know saliva 
flows with readiness when hungry men but think 
of savory food. And Aristotle's burden was most 
savor} 7- , and Emma was a dainty morsel to our 
Guinea Pig. The prayers were ended now, and he 
was just going to give out the hymn, when his un- 
lucky eye caught that of Madame Emma La Fargue, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 313 

and ere he knew what he was saying, Emma had 
slipped out instead of what it should have been. 
The magic word was telegraphed by female agency 
to our Josiah's cerebellum, and at once passivity of 
mind became activity, most novel and distressing in 
this case. For Emma was the lady's name, and 
Emma was the mine's. He meant the mine ; she 
and all those who heard supposed he was in love 
with Madame Emma La Pargue, whose rapt devoted 
look deserved the love of any Guinea Pig. And all 
the parish knew that either she or else Louisa Panto- 
sniffle was to be the bride. The great Whoppliddians, 
like other human beings, craved for mystery, and 
gambling is a mystery. 

So though no brokers' telegrams had reached the 
simple village yet, the devil took good care that 
there should be a something there to bet about, and, 
as I have already told you, all had something on. 
Those in the gallery were all too far away to hear 
that one dissyllable that sent a thrill of joy, though 
blent with great surprise, through Madame Emma's 
heart. The fair Louisa heard it not, but sang on in 
her happy ignorance. The instrumental operators 
heard it not, but went on with their violins, their 
ophicleides, their clarionets, and their reedy-toned 
bassoons. 'Twas lucky that they did not hear, for 
they were all most interested in the issue of their 
bets. It might have interfered with the religious 
sensory. 

But there were plenty who did hear this fatal 
word, and who decided in their minds that they had 
lost or won, and that Josiah must be very bad with 
Emma on the brain to make so awkward a mistake. 
They stared and tittered, but they did not think it 

o 



314 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

wonderful. The great Whoppliddians believed in 
nature and in love. Indeed, their life was automatic 
and emotional. Sublime volition such as Madame 
Emma shortly showed was quite beyond their ken. 
And as for Emma mines, they knew not of such 
things. Madame La Pargue, to speak unphilosophi- 
eally, was a woman of the world, of ready wit, and 
not much hampered by fastidious moral sense. So, 
while the Eeverend Josiah did just what he never 
should have done, to wit, blushed, looked confused, 
and altogether foolish at his odd mistake, the quick- 
witted Emma, taking in the situation with a glance 
of genius, sent all her previous automatic tendencies 
about their business, and determined, though she 
was in church, that she would never throw away so 
good a chance. So after darting from those full 
expressive eyes one tender arrowy look upon her 
Guinea Pig, she fainted right away. Yet, singular 
to say, the ganglionic matter of her spinal cord was 
in a state of normal calm. The volitional control an- 
tagonized hysterical impulse with a complete success. 
.Recovering decorously just at the proper time, 
though looking ghastly pale, she was conducted by 
her maid, both walking slowly, from the church. 
The rectory was close at hand, much nearer than her 
house. So to the rectory she went, with busy brain 
and will, enough to win a score of Guinea Pig- Affini- 
ties. The air and rest restored her outwardly. Her 
inner consciousness had never been disturbed. Philo- 
sophers, attentively observe this curious female 
specimen. How those emotional impulses which a 
woman mostly has more strongly marked than man 
were in complete subordination to her Will. And 
how abnormally her Ego knew all changes taking 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 315 

place in the external world. All her congenital and 
constitutional automatic tendencies, all that surprise, 
all the education she had received from others' will 
or from the discipline of circumstance, was power- 
less to trammel the sublime volition that enabled 
her, in spite of all the hindrances of time and place, 
to form a grand strategic plan to catch a Guinea Pig. 

To think, said she, to her maid Fanny, that he 
should have chosen such a place to make it known. 
This hint was quite enough for Fanny, who replied, — 

u Why, madam, I consider it was beautiful. They 
pay, as love is heavin, and heavin is love ; and sure, 
to see the parson blush as he forgot hisself and spoke 
your name, was quite a pretty picter like. You 
know he has been called a cherubin, although he's 
rather too deep-colored to my fancy for a cherubin ; 
but love improves the looks most wonderful. I only 
hopes the rector will not blow poor Mr. Fetchem up." 

"He can't do so," said Madame Emma, "without 
being rude to me. Just see if you can get a glass 
of wine, I feel so overset." 

Away went Fanny to the kitchen, and with gleeful 
pride detailed the news, and added that it was a very 
strange affair, and licked her quite, it did ; and what 
would poor Miss Pantosniffle say ? " I warrant me 
she'll vow there is some gillery in this. And so I 
think, for Mr. Fetchem never was so sweet on 
madam as all that. But as I said before, it licks me 
quite." 

Meantime Josiah went on with the service, but it 
was very clear to all that he had something on his 
mind, or else was very ill. His manner was unwont- 
edly confused. He lost his place, repeated what he 
had said, and went from bad to worse. Of course to 



316 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

those who heard what he had said before the lady 

left the church each fresh mistake was but a further 

proof how deeply smitten he must be. Had but 

Volition checked Emotion just a little, he might have 

saved himself; but as it was, he played into the lady's 

hands as well as it was possible to do. However, all 

things have an end, and so this memorable service 

had at last, and dazed, and angry with himself and 

everything, Josiah, waiting in the vestry till the 

congregation had all gone, went over to the rectory. 

Madame La Fargue had, like a skilful general, retired. 

It would never do to face her swain before he knew 

what wonderful effect that little slip of his had brought 

about. Before another day or two was past he would 

be sure to know. You see, just as your Worships 

and your Reverences affect disdain for money's sordid 

influence, so he was forced to ape the same disdain, 

and dare not say, " It was a mine I thought about, 

with shame I own it was ; and yet, to tell the truth 

is always best, however hard it seems to be." All he 

could say to kind inquiries was, " I was not well ; " 

but people don't say Emma in a church when they're 

unwell. The Great Whoppliddians pitied him, and 

Barloe Healey said to Mr. Smales, who stood to win 

a monkey on the event, — " 

" Becuda, you were right; that foreign madam has 
such ways o' lookin at a man as makes him think o' 
things." 

Ye pundits and philosophers, can ye surpass the 
wisdom of Becuda Smales ? He recognized intui- 
tively that a woman's will is the great wonder of the 
philosophic world. 

Josiah found out but too well before next day was 
over the true state of things. The maid had been so 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 317 

active in her mistress' interest that all the village 
knew, or thought they knew, which was the same 
thing in effect, that parson was over head and ears in 
love with Madame Emma La Fargue. The rector 
was the worst to pacify. He talked of " desecration/' 
" prostitution of the dignity of holy men to carnal 
sense," and got so hot that, had not our Guinea Pig 
discreetly begged him to consult his great work upon 
" Desecration of the Title, Reverend" 1 really think 
he would not have forgiven him. 

Just like the captive with neck stretched out for 
the sacrificing knife, Josiah listened for two hours to 
the rector's lecture from this priceless book, and as 
no passage could be found that could be made to suit 
the case, he got off with a reprimand. 

" Of evils choose the least," say the philosophers. 

Josiah chose the least. He had a wholesome fear 
of British juries when appealed to by a Buncombe's 
rhetoric on the behalf of spinsters' harrowed feelings 
— widows' broken hearts; and well he knew that if 
his Emma fainted at another Emma's name, she 
could get up an admirable scene to aid her counsel's 
powerful appeal. Josiah, madam, was afraid of 
damages, and so he chose the smallest ill, to wit, 
Madame La Fargue. As there was so much art and 
plan, so little natural telegraphy about the case, I'd 
rather let the wooing pass. They were engaged. 
And as the " objects " had not been selected by the 
odic theory, or in our halls, it was more a mercantile 
than love affair. The wedding-day was fixed for 
Thursday, six weeks from that date. Josiah left for 
town, to court his other love. 



318 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEE LXXI. 

THE REV. JOSIAH FETCHEM RETURNS TO THE CITY 

AND FINDS HIS EMMA SHARES DECLINING. MADAME 

EMMA LA FARGUE PREPARES FOR HER WEDDING. 

Josiah left Great Whopplidde-in-1 he-Pen as the 
affianced husband of Madame La Fargue. When 
he came to my office his first Emma seemed to have 
pined through his neglect. At all events the shares 
were down to 29. Poor fellow! it was rather hard 
that Emma, the American, should first have worked 
on his emotions by the expectation of success so 
strongly that the Gallic Emma's wonderful volition 
should have made him ask her to be his for life, 
although she was not his " affinity/' and then as soon 
as all this mischief had been done, that his American 
first love should harrow his emotions by the fear 
that she would prove a faithless jilt. But so it 
was, and from that date the shares began to steadily 
decline. .Now, as you know, dear " Outside Pools," 
a dwindle is a nasty thing for any bull to face ; but 
when he feels that he has been trapped by a fair 
one that he does not love, and may be jilted by 
another fair one whom he passionately loves, the 
prospect is enough to drive a bull with weak 
volition and abnormally excitable Sensori-Motor 
Apparatus into the condition of hysterical automata. 

There seldom is a middle course with mines ; eigh- 
teen per cent, or nothing is the usual thing. 

I recommended Petchem to return to court his 
other Emma, if but to distract his thoughts. 

This other Emma was preparing for her wedding 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 319 

with industrious alacrity. Another batch of parcels 
came from Paris, and she was locked in her room 
most days for two or three hours at a time. Now 
Fanny Pratt, her maid, resented this, and tried her best 
to worm out madame's secret, but in vain. The door 
was always locked when she was in the room, and 
when it was unlocked there was not anything to see 
but Madame Emma looking very nice and fresh and 
trim. By dexterously laying the letters on the top 
of the hot-water jug Miss Fanny Pratt had opened 
all but sealed ones easily ; but as the writing was in 
French, it did not tell her anything. 



CHAPTER LXXII. 

THE BRIDE ELECT MEETS WITH A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT, 
AND A VERY SINGULAR DISCOVERY IS MADE. 

Josiah had taken my advice, and was expected to 
arrive at Great Whopplidde-in-the-Fen on the next 
Wednesday at eleven o'clock. Madame La Fargue 
complained of headache on the Tuesday evening, 
and retired to her room at half-past eight o'clock to 
have a good night's rest, as she remarked to Fanny 
Pratt. 

It was just ten o'clock. The maid had done her 
supper, raised her spirits, which were rather low, 
with just a wine glass full of madame's eau de vie, 
had fastened all the doors and windows, and was going 
up to bed, when she was startled by a piercing shriek. 
She knew her mistress' voice, and rushed upstairs. 
The door was locked. But Fanny was a strong and 
heavy girl, and, stimulated by a second scream for 



320 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

help, she burst open the door with a tremendous 
lurch. She was only just in time. Her mistress was 
in flames up to her waist. She had passed too near 
the fire-place, which had no guard, and the flames 
had caught the bottom of her dress. She rushed 
towards her maid, who with great presence of mind 
seized two thick blankets from the bed and met the 
burning lady with them spread out wide. She flung 
them round her and then threw her on the ground. 
Nor did she stop at that, but emptied both the water- 
jugs upon the lady's prostrate form. It was enough. 
The energy and promptitude of Fanny Pratt had 
put the fire out, but it had sadly burnt poor madame's 
lower half. The maid, without assistance, got her 
mistress into bed, and sent off for a doctor's aid. 
But what a mistress met the astonished Fanny's gaze, 
now that the excitement was somewhat subdued ! 

"Where now was all that golden hair, the admira- 
tion and the envy of the village girls ? 

Where now the nostrils, beautiful disdain, the coral 
lips, the teeth as white as pearls ? 

Where was the fresh complexion, and, alas ! where 
was that bast, so ample and so matronly? 

Ladies, turn we to the dressing-table, there to see 
the triumphs of high art. 

There lay the skilfully constructed wig, tinged 
with Sol Aurine's lovely hue. 

There lay that miracle of modern days, the Nose 
Machine. 

The silver nostrils' beautiful disdain was still upon 
the injured lady's face, but coyly peeping through 
the forehead's skin, which had been peeled down and 
then drawn over it by artistes's hands. Poor thing ! 
when set alight she fell upon the floor and struck her 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 321 

chiselled Grecian nose as reckless rinkualistic maidens 
fall while skating with their hands entangled in a 
muff and break the Grecian or it may be, the " tip- 
tilted" nasal bones. 

The lips, alas, were white and rough, through want 
of the Lip-Tingeing Pencil which lay upon the dress- 
ing-case. 

The teeth lay by an Eyebrow Pencil's side ; they 
looked as white and regular as heretofore, but they 
were not in poor burnt madame's mouth. 

That former fresh complexion was now changed for 
yellow wrinkled pock-marked skin. Oh, fire ! ruth- 
less element ! what ruin hast thou wrought ! 

Close by the mysterious dressing-case were boxes 
of Complexion Pills, and packages of Ninon's Liquid 
Bloom. ISTotfar away there was the wonderful Small 
Pox Eradicating Pigment, with two packets of Skin 
Tightner, and three of Nile Deposit, to close up the 
pores, and scare loose flesh away, a Pimple Startler, 
with a pot of Rose Emulsion and of Nympheine. 

Next to these wonders of the woman-building art 
were Nail Enamellers, Throat Garglers, to improve 
the tone, and the far-famed AZUEINE that can pro- 
duce aristocratic veins of blue on temples of an Indian 
squaw — how much more easily on those of a La 
Fargue ! 

And there, on each side of the mirror, rested grace- 
fully, though false, alas ! and cold, that noblest 
triumph of American philanthropy, Achilles Gilead's 
Saratoga Palpitators, for the flat-breasted fair. These 
bosoms were so natural, that they would have taken 
in the keenest baby out ; they all were magnetized 
and, warranted to rise and fall at wearer's will, and 
could be worn by day and night alike. 



322 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

The mystery was solved, and Fanny Pratt was 
satisfied. She turned, but Madame Emma was in a 
deep swoon. 



CHAPTER LXXIII, 



DEATH OF MADAME EMMA F ARGUE, AND DECLINE 
OF THE EMMA MINE. 

The doctor came, and after a brief examination was 
quite satisfied that there was not the slightest hope. 

" The shock," said he, " has thrown the Cerebro- 
spinal system altogether oat of gear, disorganized 
the Semilunar Ganglia, and superinduced incurable 
derangement of the Hypogastric Plexus. 

"It might be some satisfaction to the friends," 
said the learned Galen, " to have another opinion," 
for he was aware that the mimetic power of the sex, 
combined with an abnormal will, had occasionally 
produced astonishing phenomena, having all the ap- 
pearance of disease, from which, however, the patient 
subsequently recovered, although, for his part, he 
was quite sure " that all that the most captious of his 
class could do was to fix on the Cardiac Plexus, in- 
stead of the Hypogastric, for, as for the great Solar 
Plexus being affected, the thing was simply ridicu- 
lous." 

Whichever Plexus it was, poor Emma La Fargue 
went to her rest. The fame of her silver nostrils, 
with their beautiful disdain, still lives in the memory 
of the Great Whoppliddians. She was no more before 
Josiah had arrived. I wonder if her will would have 
been quite so strong if she had not required Achilles 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 323 

Gilead's philanthropic aid. Just crack that nut for 
me, philosophers; my teeth are not quite good 
enough. 

Josiah arrived with heavy heart, for American 
Emma tended downwards still. It very much de- 
pressed his weak emotional mind did this catastrophe. 
Although he never wished to marry, and was stag- 
gered at the story of the silver nostrils and the palpi- 
tators, yet Josiah's agitated cerebrum responded 
automatically to the sad impression of poor Madame 
Emma's death, and he was very much afraid that it 
portended death to American Emma too. Alas, the 
omen was too true. 

Eemittances began to cease; not even dare they 
borrow more to send, as though it were great Emma's 
virgin ore. Some ugly rumors were afloat, yet 
some directors pledged their faith anew that all was 
right. As none could find out what was true and 
what was false, the old directors all resigned, and a 
new board was formed. Among the shareholders 
who still were left was our Guinea Pig, and though 
his spirits now were low as were the shares, the 
pleasant theory of a Fissure Vein was started by some 
philanthropic and imaginative wag, and Phcenix- 
like, our American Emma was to rise triumphant from 
her ashes through this " Fissure Vein." But truth 
is stranger yet than fiction, and the damning proofs 
were soon to hand that Emma was a " pocket," a 
miserable flirt, a lying jade, and not a matron with 
those solid stores of wealth that now-a-days add so 
much to a lady's charms. The American Emma was 
played out. She once was worth £100,000, or, some 
say, half as much again. Co-operation here was gained 
for not much more than that ; and what co-operation ! 



324 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Should you have thought, dear " Outside Fools/' that 
such co-operation could have been so cheaply bought ? 
I never should, and I know something of the City's 
ways. But wasn't that a funny dream Josiah had ? 
Poor man, he was a spectacle to see. The gan- 
glionic centres were all frightfully disturbed in this 
sad case, most interesting to philosophers. 



CHAPTEE LXXIY. 



a broker's classification of outside fools, and 
a doctor's opinion of josiah fetchem's mental 

STATE. 

There was a Mental Latency about the man most 
puzzling to a non-professional. I had heard that 
one class of feelings will intensify, and another 
nearly paralyze the will ; but I never saw a case 
like this. Josiah's whole volitional control seemed 
gone, and he was simply an hysterico-emotional 
automaton. Now, my dear "Outside Fools," we 
brokers don't feel comfortable when we cannot 
make our subjects out. It's next to never that we 
can't, for about three classes will include you all. 
I have in what I term my broker's cerebrum three 
ideal shelves, on which are ranged unnumbered 
" Outside Fools." The shelves are not alike in size. 
Upon the bottom, and by far the largest shelf, are 
ranged the " Ignorant Outside Fools" Upon the 
middle shelf, that's not so large, are ranged the 
" Greedy Outside Fools" Upon the top, and smallest 
shelf, are ranged the " Vain and Imitative Outside 
Fools" Josiah had been on the greedy shelf, but 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 325 

now his manner was so strange that not one of the 
three would suit his case, and so I got him to see 
Dr. Sana Mens. 

Next day I called to hear what Mens thought of 
his state. 

"This interesting case of Fetchem's, Seesaw," 
said he, " is an admirable illustration of the power 
that Money can exercise upon the structure of the 
human brain. The chief Dynamical Causation was 
an exaggeration of Rectorial and Vicarial Deference. 
This placed your Guinea Pig at once upon the 
greedy shelf of ' Outside Fools.' Then came that 
curious dream that made the mischief spread so 
far. 

" Unconscious Cerebration since that time has been 
at work at intervals both day and night, but more 
especially at night. Thus a distinct organic im- 
pression was produced upon the cerebrum, which, 
just like any other organism, ever tends to form itself 
in accordance with the mode in which it is habitually 
exercised. The brain, then, of your Guinea Pig had, 
as it were, unconsciously been Emmafied, to make 
my meaning clear to non-medical ' Outside Fools.' 

" As time went on, the Ideational Activity of his 
mind completely objectified the Emma, so that the 
least circumstantive agency could bring the mind 
back from the will's control, into the Emmafied con- 
dition. Now, Seesaw," continued Mens, "there's a 
mental Law of Contiguity. Two states of conscious- 
ness will often co-exist, or follow in immediate 
sequence. Such states tend to cohere, so that the 
subsequent occurrence of one revives the other too. 

" Now the American Emma and the Gallic Emma 
had become compacted into a Composite Notion 



326 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

that was the resultant of two distinct states of 
Ideation, 

" At the moment, therefore, that the Gallic Emma's 
face, surrounded with that profusion of golden 
tresses, struck the eye of your Guinea Pig, while the 
Satanic dragon sovereigns of his dream and the rich 
stores of his American Emma were secretly acting 
upon his Mental Latency by the Law of Contiguity, a 
vivid Ideal reproduction took place of the theatrical 
scene, the golden tresses of Madame La Fargue sug- 
gesting the golden and Satanic dragon sovereigns of 
the theatre, and the startling resultant was that 
unseasonable ejaculation, the remoter consequences 
of which were the desecration of the deoavrog 'odjuy as 
well as of the sacred building itself." 

"In plain English," said I to Sana Mens, "you 
mean that his brain was unconsciously Emmafied by 
the mine, and that Madame Emma La Fargue's 
golden hair made the brain become conscious of its 
Emmafication and automatically ejaculate, in spite of 
the man's will" 

" I do," said Sana Mens, "and I should recommend 
your Guinea Pig to keep away from the scene of his 
emotional suffering both in the City and at Great 
Whopplidde-in-the-Fen, and to tvy some other pulpit. 
I am certain that it is the best and only rational 
course to pursue." 

" What a splendid broker you would have made, 
Sana Mens," said I. 

" Why so," asked he. 

" Because you have such wonderful power of ana- 
lyzing motives and tracing the causes of human action, 
and that faculty is the groundwork of our successful 
operation, Once give me the knowledge of the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 327 

client's mental proclivities, and I can select the exact 
kind of speculative matter to suit him. We have all 
sorts of pleasant narcotizing stocks in hand for every 
class of brain. Yes, Sana Mens, you would have 
made a first-rate broker." 

" Thank you for the compliment, Seesaw, but I 
have no wish to become a broker. You are one, and 
it is not your fault ; but T am lucky enough to be a 
doctor instead of a broker, although, for the matter 
of that, but for dunces, most were doctors. Surgery, 
I grant you, is a respectable and honest trade, but as 
for medicine, it is mostly empirical. I have some- 
times thought, Seesaw, that God never meant one 
man to save the soul, to cure the body, or to make 
money for any other man. In these three cases man 
must do the work himself, or fail, and the more he 
leans on others' aid the more unhappy he will be. 
You'll let me know how your client goes on ; I should 
like to hear the result of the change." 

I promised that I would, and left the house. I 
like that Sana Mens ; but he don't seem to know 
what protection means ; and he is all for the majority. 

That's not my creed. Long live the " Outside 
Fools !" say I. 

Now, my poor Guinea Pig had lost much of the 
power to produce Eectorial and Vicarial Deference ; 
but neither rectors nor vicars knew he had, and so he 
could still go to some other pulpit without a shock 
to bis personal vanity, which in his then hysterico- 
emotional condition would have been in the highest 
degree dangerous, if not fatal. 

It happened that the vicar of Littleprice-cum-Kid- 
dleton, in Clay shire, was in want of temporary assis- 



328 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

lance, and engaged our Josiah's services through 
the medium of the Clerical Advertiser. He was to 
take part of the duty for a month and reside with 
the vicar. 



CHAPTEE LXXV. 



THE REV. JOSIAH FETCHEM TRIES A CHANGE OF 
PULPIT, AND MEETS WITH A MOST CURIOUS AND 
DISTRESSING ACCIDENT. 

He went to Littleprice-cum-Kiddleton, and arrived 
in the middle of the week. The change of air and 
the kind attention and jovial disposition of the vicar 
had a good effect upon our Guinea Pig, and on the 
Sunday following he got through the prayers and 
passed the critical place at which he had so sadly 
failed before without mishap. But wonderful and 
various are the devices of the Evil One to desecrate 
the sacred odor of a saint. 

The church was very old at Littleprice-cum- 
Kiddleton. 'Twas in the Gothic style, and many were 
the quaint gurgoyles that both inside and out looked 
down upon you from above. The fancy of emotional 
automata might have perceived a Satan's personality 
in every gurgoyle's grinning face. But from what 
happened I believe the Evil One's abode was then a 
wooden pulpit's floor. 

I'll just describe the mechanism of this trap for 
holy men. 

The floor of the pulpit at Littleprice-cum-Kiddle- 
ton was a moveable one, raised or lowered by means 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 329 

of a perpendicular screw about three quarters of an 
inch in diameter and three feet in length. The screw 
was acted upon by another of similar thread or 
diameter, but quite short. This short screw was 
inserted in the end of a long bar, which reached into 
the clerk's pew under the floor of the church in a 
horizontal direction. The longer screw of course 
acted vertically. By means of a crank also in the 
clerk's pew, and by the aid of two cogged wheels, the 
pulpit floor could be raised or depressed at clerkly 
will, although the odor of sanctity should be there 
at the time and weigh from ten to twenty stones. 
The custom was to adjust this pulpit while the hymn 
was being sung and just before the sermon had com- 
menced. Now although Josiah Fetchem was a 
stranger Guinea Pig, and in weak health, he was left 
quite in the dark as to this customary mechanical 
arrangement. So while the hymn was being sung, 
he entered the pulpit in blissful ignorance, and as he 
was a-weary he sat down, which it appears he never 
should have done. The clerk, according to his function, 
looked around to see if the floor was the right height 
to give effect to his appearance and delivery. Josiah, 
as I have already said, was like a turtle raised on its 
hind legs, and short, and as he had sat down, he was 
not visible above the pulpit's edge. And so the clerk 
began to wind him up. Josiah, being weak and 
nervous, thought the pulpit was going to give way, 
and started from his seat. This brought his body 
quite three feet above the pulpit's edge. Again the 
clerk looked critically up, and saw that parson was 
too high. Eound went the crank the other way, 
and down again went our Guinea Pig, supposing it 
must be a miracle, and thinking it was surely safer 



330 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

to sit down until the funny pulpit quake was over, 
he sat down. Again the clerk began to wind him 
up, till in an agony of fright Josiah cried, — 

"Oh, Lord, forgive and steady me, and I will 
never touch another Emma in my life ! " 

The clerk ceased winding when he heard so strange 
a text, and Petchem, thinking that his prayer and 
promise had made the trouble cease, began to preach. 
But soon emotion scared volition quite away; the 
shock was too much for his nerves, the blood rushed 
to his brain, and he was forced to bring the service 
to a sudden end. Now I can understand Josiah's 
fear at being wound first up, then down. But how 
was this, psychologists ? Why did he ask forgiveness 
for imaginary crime ? It seemed, and surely in this 
cranky case he spoke the truth, as if he were afraid 
of punishment. But though he had less will than 
the rectorial and vicarial pillars of the church, his 
odor still was the apostle's sanctified perfume. 
Had but this odor been a little mixed, or had it been 
the heretic's rank smell, I could have understood this 
fear of punishment to come. But as it was I could 
not make it out, Nor more could Sana Mens. 

Josiah had brain fever, and was ill for several 
months before he was restored. To my surprise he 
came again to me. Sana Mens declared that he was 
now a Secondary Automaton, and would continue so. 
It appears that several rectors and vicars had taken 
some shares in Emma, upon hints that Fetchem had 
let fall, and as their speculation had turned out a 
failure, they looked coldly on their Guinea Pig. 
Take old Nathaniel Seesaw's tip, ye " Outside Fools " 
— don't recommend a speculation or investment to a 
brother fool. If it go right, he'll think it was his 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 331 

cleverness ; but if it should go wrong, as it is ten to 
one it will, you'll get the blame. Their reverences' 
change of manner made Josiah wild; he could not 
bear it, with his weakened will, and so he came to 
dabble in the mud again. A friend of his read 
Broker Gabbit's famous circulars, and having acted 
on the wisdom there contained, was, as ho said him- 
self, in a most splendid thing, quite safe, no specula- 
tive venture, but a bond fide Industrial Joint Stock 
Company. Shudder when you hear that term, ye 
" Outside Fools," and stop your ears with wax, lest 
ye should listen to the deadly sirens' voice. 
. This noble enterprise was the great Keuchatel's 
jRock Asphalte Paving Company. An asphalt e 
had been tried in Paris, and had been successful 
for some years. These Xeuchatel Rock ten-pound 
shares were over £60 a share. Just as we now are 
narcotized with "rinkualism," so then the " Outside 
Fools" went paving mad. Wherever there is a 
demand, there always is a supply in the speculative 
world ; it's different with butcher's meat. Just in 
the nick of time, the true bituminous rock was 
found in most abundant stores. Promoters had all 
got their oyster, and they lost no time in opening 
it. The Weekly Locomotives and Hebdomadal 
Reviews, who let out spaces for a price for specula- 
tive bulls or bears to write things up or down, were 
full of letters from so-called investors, calculators, 
addlepates, and interested rogues, imploring " Out- 
side Fools " not to neglect so grand a chance. Ye 
"Outside Fools," just take a hint. Don't follow 
friends' advice. You think, perhaps, you are not 
listening to a broker then. Where does your friend 
get his advice from, eh ? You buy for sixpence, do 



332 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS 

you, papers full of splendid tips? Don't be an 
arrant ass. Don't deal in anything you do not under- 
stand ; don't deal in any new securities unless you're 
rich and can afford to lose. But if you should be 
stuck with rubbish through some other fool's or 
rogue's advice, or your own folly, don't add to that 
folly by a vain attempt to catch at a falling market. 
Don't average. This averaging in rotten stocks has 
ruined countless " Outside Fools." Buy something 
that, as Americans say, has a rock bottom, and when it 
drops, buy twice as much if you can spare the cash. 
What is there sound? Some English Eails. 

Well, as I said, these Neuchatel shares had been 
over sixty pounds a share. Indeed, they had been 
in a soda water rise close upon seventy; but when 
Josiah's friend went in they were much less than 
that. The sapient friend remarked, — 

" You see I am not taking brokers' tips, I'm buy- 
ing when they're low, just when outsiders never 
buy. My broker says if all his clients were like 
me they'd never lose." 

Our Guinea Pig, with weak volition, took his 
friend's advice, and bought just twenty Neuchatels. 
The price grew beautifully less each day that came. 

His friend did average. Josiah, having weak 
volition, did the same. They kept them till they had 
dropped only £30 a .share. The Neuchatels sell now 
with difficulty at three half-crowns a share. 'Tis 
true the shares have been reduced and preference 
stock been raised, but there's not much difference in 
the result. 

Our Guinea Pig is in a private madhouse now. He 
thinks that Emma is the queen of a large island full 
of silver and of gold. That the air is poisoned with 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 333 

the evil-smelling odor of the heretic, but that the 
sacred odor can be found within the madhouse walls. 
He thinks that bishops, rectors, vicars, and their 
Guinea Pigs fall down before a golden calf that's set 
up in all larger towns, and worship every day, and 
that the each 'Doxy hates each other 'Doxy with a 
deadly hate. That members of the island's govern- 
ment think but of place and opposition, while all 
emotion is subdued by a Satanic will. He dreams 
that other countries smack their greedy lips, and tuck 
their tongues inside their grinning cheeks as they 
behold this island's unprotected state, and say to one 
another, — 

" Let us wait till all our loans are floated and our 
strategic railroads are complete. We must keep 
friends with the Financial Acrobats and ' Outside 
Fools ' till then. But when that game is up, then 
our time will come. Fling the sucked orange 
roughly to the ground, and rush to arms. We 
must let blood or else be ruined by our armies' cost. 
See how that island's lion has become a lamb ! 
Alliance be our watchword, plunder is our aim ! 
Come on, my brother military tinkers, come; let's 
shake the tree, the pear is ripe. See what free 
trade and peace at any price has done for us! See 
how the haughty military snob, who often does not 
know one- tenth as much as many a common soldier of 
the Fatherland, laughs down the volunteers, cares 
more for his own small exclusive set than for his 
country's good ! See how place-hunting, jobbing fac- 
tions strive to oust each other from their seats ! See 
how the very manners of the Stock Exchange have 
crept into the Parliament! How there a battle- 
royal oft is fought ! How premiers are not allowed 



334 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

to see their Queen, nor yet to look down at their boot, 
while noting silently each " Inside Ass ! " A little 
of our autocratic rule would teach these jostlers, ugly 
rushers, and bear-garden members to behave them- 
selves. 

" See how their noisy EGOS struggle to assert 
themselves, although meantime their island home 
lacks army, fleets of active gunboats for the coast 
defence, and everything but gold and luxury, the 
sure precursors of a fall ! " 

You must excuse my Guinea Pig, your Worships 
and your Eeverences, his emotions sway him so. I 
wonder if these madmen are not sometimes happier 
and wiser, too, than we ? 

My doctor, Sana Mens, declares that all are mad, 
but says that only those who are the enemies of 
ignorance and vice, and greed of gain, who will not 
kiss hands freely for preferment, or bow down to 
golden calves, need fear the Lunacy Commissioners. 
That Sana Mens quite frightens me. I wonder he is 
not afraid lest he himself should be shot down or 
stabbed. He has such little sympathy with roguery. 



CHAPTEE LXXVI. 



CONTAINING A BROKER S APOLOGIES TO A LEARNED 
CRITIC. 

My learned friend Opsimathes observes that all this 
story of the Guinea Pig is well enough, but that I 
violate the " id quod decet" as 7 tis called in Kikero, 
and that I desecrate what's termed " T b Trperrov " by the 
Greeks. In other words, dear " Outside Pools," our 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 335 

learned friend implies that I offend propriety by call- 
ing true apostles Guinea Pigs, and by allowing such 
profanities as "Emmas" to distract the thoughts of 
odorous sanctity, or to be mentioned in a church. 
My good Opsimathes, let me be plain with you. 
These little tales, so easy as they seem to read, have 
yet an allegory which you might perceive, did not 
vast learning dim your mental sight. 

This is the meaning of the book. That money, 
though the " Root of Evil," is a source of good as 
well. It is a mute epitome of truth more than all 
else but MH\EN A TAN in the world. 

That seeing this is so, philosophers and learned 
critics and ecclesiastic lights would all do well to study 
money more, to bring their very hardest words, their 
terms so difficult and so abstruse to " Outside Fools," 
to bear upon this theme of universal interest, instead 
of fighting shadows so and making mountains labor 
to bring forth those funny philosophic mice. 

My book would also teach that every man craves 
for a mystery, a narcotism, in some one of the many 
forms there are. It fain would show that EGO is the 
strongest foe that education has. Surely the EGO of 
these learned men is not afraid lest, if plain ordinary 
terms be used to illustrate the grains of wheat there 
may be in the chaff, non-philosophic EGOS should so 
quickly learn that philosophic EGOS should fall from 
their pedestals. 

Eeal merit and true genius should have no EGO 
and no pedestals, but know how little worth is human 
praise, and how unmerited, although less frequently, 
is human blame. 

I asked my doctor, Sana Mens, the other day how 
he explained this paradox. I mean that, learned 



336 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

critics, those who lived at the same time and occupied 
the leading critics' chairs, could scarcely find words 
coarse and scurrilous enough to lash the works of 
Byron, Shelley, Keats, Leigh Hunt, and countless 
other men of genius, which works both " Outside 
Fools " and critics now combine to praise and read. 

" A critic on his deathbed told me this," said Sana 
Mens, and as a man don't often tell lies then, I think it 
is quite true. 

This dying critic said with faint and feeble voice, — 

" In theory a critic is the quintessence of the 
EGO placed upon the very tallest pedestal. His 
EGO looks down with sublime contempt upon all 
1 Outside Fools' and also upon men of genius, for they, 
it says, are bold invaders of the critic's realm, who 
should be thought odd specimens of ' Outside Fools,' 
and nothing more. 

" We often praise the mediocre man of letters," 
said this dying critic, " because we're not afraid 
lest he should tell the 'Outside Fools' more than 
they ought to know, and he does not assail our EGO 
as the others do ; but never yet have we, unless com- 
pelled by want of money or through fear of loss of 
critic's chair, praised genius at first. 

" When we turn round and praise the very 
authors that we blamed before, it is not that our 
EGO holds a different view, but as some millions 
of besotted ' Outside Fools ' have chosen to both 
praise and read the works, the critic's powerful 
volition brings his EGO well down to the level of 
the degenerate times, and his volition is oft stimu- 
lated by the price he gets for what he writes, and 
so he writes for money, peace, and publishers, and 
lets his EGO take it out in sneers at home. A 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 337 

critic is by far the greatest of all living men, for 
though one be a Byron, Shelley, or a Keats, one 
cannot, as a critic can, explain the meaning of one's 
works. Indeed, a critic has been known to find 
out beauties in a mediocre poet that the poet never 
thought about himself." 

The dying critic died, or he would probably have 
told us more, dear " Outside Fools." 

And now, Opsimathes, I'll tell you what I think 
a critic's duty is. 4 

To drag this EGO from its pedestal, to tear it 
from its hidden lurking-place, and show how it is 
narcotized with human vanity, and not, as it 
supposes, with the will to do its duty as a simple 
specimen of the unnumbered variations of that 
interesting curious creature, MAN. Dear ladies, 
don't look cross, the term includes you too. Do this, 
Opsimathes, and you will do a public good. But do 
not let your EGO tickle the ears of " Outside Fools" 
with your «rd npenov" and your " id quod decet ; " do 
not hurl big learned words at simple brokers' heads?, 
who think that they have something to tell others 
which will do some good, and who are forced, through 
lack of other means, to tell it in a book. If we be 
wrong in thinking that a single dragon sovereign is 
a better study for a critic, sage, or " Outside Fool," 
why, show that we are wrong. But do not mystify 
us and our readers with the egotistic posings of an 
old-world barrister, who used his rhetoric to prove 
black sometimes to be black, and to be white at other 
times, according to his subject or his fee, and who 
cribbed his philosophy from Greece . 

The rank smell of the EGO overpowers my com- 
prehensive sense in Kikero. 

P 



338 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

And what have I to do with rules of art ? 

There are abundant " Outside Fools" to learn. 
Here is the " Inside Ass" selected by his brethren to 
teach. Each to his trade. My EGO does not want 
to learn a little art, and say to " Outside Fools," 
" Come, look at me, see what a clever and artistic 
EGO you have here." JNTo, be it right or be it wrong, 
my EGO's narcotized with this idea, that some good 
may be done by drawing wiser men's attention to the 
power and working of this very common thing, this 
money, which so many in their words seem to despise 
and in their acts to value more than anything. To 
solve that paradox, Opsimathes, would seem an aim 
well worthy of the greatest sage's wisdom and 
ability. 

Tear off my EGO's mask, Opsimathes; God knows 
we know the least about ourselves. 

But just a word about your charge of desecration 
of apostles and the church. 

The church is full of honest and good men, but, 
alas, the church's teaching now-a-days is often fatal 
in effect. 

1 don't believe that any title in the world can ever 
make men bad or good, condemned or saved, to be 
revered or be despised. 

A man is Beverend according to his acts and not 
according to his name. The term itself is but a 
laudatory compliment. A Guinea Pig like Fetchem, 
may be a Eeverend in deed. A Eeverend in word 
may be a Guinea Pig in deed. 

Both Emmas in my tale portray the " Root of 
Evil. " If that root be not found within the precincts 
of a church, why, then I'm wrong. But if the "Koot 
of Evil" made the rector and the vicar change their 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. ' 339 

manner to their Guinea Pig, and if that change of 
manner urged him on to speculate, I do not think I'm 
wrong. 

Eut when our common sense is scandalized by 
elephantine efforts to pick up religious pins, when 
holy men can quarrel bitterly about the writing on 
a dead man's tomb, when they can shock the feel- 
ings of a train of mourners as they bear their dead 
ones to the grave, when Ritualistic Mountebanks, 
who break the law, excite the sorrow of the Mother 
Church and ridicule of Eome, when men refuse to 
be addressed as Reverend because the members of 
another sect may be so termed, when they refuse 
to give the sacrament to those who cannot see a 
Satan's shape and form just as they think they see 
what never has been seen by man, and, when the 
legal right to have that sacrament has been distinctly 
proved, resign their livings, while six hundred of 
their congregation ask what they Qall " evil livers" 
to give up attendance at their church — talk not of 
" id quod decet" and « T b ^pe-ov," or of desecration of 
the church, but weep and grieve to see that Love and 
Charity are dead, that Holy Hate and EGO have so 
wide a sway. 

But God forbid that I should cast a slur upon a 
single honest man; there is no EGO I respect so 
much as his. 

Good-bye, ye " Outside Fools." I'd rather be an 
" Inside Ass," such as I am, than torn by this religi- 
ous hate or worried by an EGO so. 



340 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 



CHAPTEB LXXYIL 

ERASMUS PINTO' S ADVICE TO INVESTORS AND 
SPECULATORS. 

My Dear " Outside Fools," allow an "Inside Roguish 
Ass" to address a few more words to you. 

Had my worthy father-in-law not quarrelled with 
his cook, no doubt he would have given you more 
veritable histories of his clients and their dealings 
but his unlucky bath prevented that. 

Whether I shall address you again on a future 
occasion will depend much upon the celerity with 
which you learn, and the permission of my brothers 
of the Stock Exchange. Perhaps you feel inclined to 
say, after reading these pages, with the inveterate 
playgoer at Argos, " I swear, my friends, that you have 
brought me to my grave, not cured me, by wresting from 
me such a joy, and forcibly depriving me of a delusion so 
delightful to the mind." 

There was much truth in what this old man said. 
Man will have his gamble in some form or other, and 
there is not much harm in it if he will play moder- 
ately and within his means. As when we try to 
follow virtue in excess, we often sooner fall back into 
vice, so you must rid yourselves of speculation's folly 
by degrees. 

So, then, until you've learnt to keep away, observe 
these rules. 

First, do your business upon paper, charge com- 
mission and allow for jobber's turns, keep strict 
account of the results, read all the daily papers care- 
fully, meantime, and follow their suggestions care- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 341 

fully, whenever you feel naturally inclined. Do this 
for half a year, and give your profits to some charity 
You safely may. But gratefully rejoice that all your 
losses only need be paid unto yourself. 

" Oh ! hang that paper-plan ! I want the real 
thing ! " I think you said, dear sir. 

Very well, do this. Go to two brokers, lively 

sinners, like myself, who know a thing or two. 

You'll have to pay, I grant, but then you'll learn 

so much more quickly from the sinners than the 

saints. Keep a still tongue in your head. Shun 

gush and gabble as you would the Evil One. Act 

the role of learner thoroughly and quietly. Take 

notes, remember what you hear, and check off the 

result. Don't tell your sinners what you want to do 

before you get a dealing-price. Mark well how often 

this price varies when they know what you intend to 

do, and how very seldom that variation suits your 

book. Compare the prices that each sinner brings 

you out. If ever they forget their duty and advise 

you in a casual sort of way, by word of mouth, by 

winks, by laying fingers upon noses, shoulder-shrugs, 

or knowing looks, just jot them all down upon paper 

(you can surely draw signs), then add the dates and 

watch for the result. Do just the same with " tips " 

and gabble that you hear outside, and money articles. 

Or if you act before, do just the opposite to what you 

feel inclined. You'll make some money so, but you 

won't like it much. It's very odd, but money made 

according to the views we hold is so much sweeter 

than what's made in any other way. 

And just look here. If I had such an " Outside 
Fool " to do with as I've just supposed you are, I should 
establish " Amicable Eelations " with your other sin- 



342 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

ner, and so deftly blend the false with what was true 
that were you not in league with the Old Gentleman, 
you'd never know which way to act with me. I tell 
you candidly you'd find your match with all the judg- 
ment, money, nerve, and mathematics in the world 
at your command. 

Explanation of Terms. 

Speculation. — Time-bargains, or bets for time on 
between bulls and bears, as to whether a stock will 
rise or fall. 

A Bull. — A speculator who buys stock without 
paying for it, expecting to sell again at a profit at 
some future date. 

A Bear. — A speculator who sells other people's 
property, or bets that other people's property will 
fall, and expects to buy back at a profit at some 
future date. 

Account. — There are two account days every month 
in ordinary stocks and shares, one at the beginning, 
and the other at the end of the month, and one in 
Consols at the beginning of the month. Each account 
consists of three days, called respectively Carrying- 
over Day, Name Day, and Settling Day. 

Carrying-over Day. — All stocks not closed before 
the first day of the next account are carried over, or 
continued to the next account at a fixed price, and at 
a charge varying according to the abundance or 
scarcity of the stock. 

Name Day. — The second day of the account is so- 
called because upon it speculators* who elect to take 
up, i e., pay for any of their stocks, then pass their 
names or their bankers for the transfer of such stocks. 

Settling Day, — Is so-called because on that day 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 343 

speculative differences are paid and received, and 
money is also paid or received for stock taken up or 
sold and delivered. 

A Jobber. — One who deals in the markets either 
as a buyer or seller, with a turn or margin in the 
price, varying from a shilling to £5 per cent, (or 
even more in panic times), according to the quan- 
tity of dealing and the price of the security. 

Suppose A, an outsider, tries to buy through his 
broker of B, a jobber, 1000 Midland Railway stock. 
If the bargain be done without collusion between the 
broker and jobber, the broker would bring out the 
price, say 132f-133, at which the jobber would pro- 
fess, to be prepared to do either, and the broker would 
buy the stock for his client at 133. I am supposing 
the most favorable case possible for the client in 
which a fair quarter price has been made by the 
jobber, and only £ per cent, commission charged by 
the broker. 

A, then, has bought 1000 Midland stock at 133|- 
net, if we add the commission to the jobber's turn. 
Now supposing A wished to sell the 1000 Midland 
again, and the market had neither risen nor fallen, 
he would be able, if there were no collusion, to sell 
at 132f, so that no outsider can possibly buy a 
thousand stock for speculation under the most favor- 
able circumstances without at once losing £3 15s. 
on the purchase. But suppose A went to a highly 
respectable broker, he would be charged \ commis- 
sion and sometimes \\ there would be no collusion, 
but there would be this, that the jobber would most 
likely guess the business of the highly respectable 
broker, simply because such men do seldom conde- 
scend to bear anything for their clients, so that unless 



344 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

he were selling stock to deliver, which would be 
against probability the jobber would read him a 
buyer, and instead of making the price 132f-133, he 
would make 133-133J, and most likely 133-13:% in 
which case A would have bought 1000 Midland at 
133J or 133J, according to the attention and energy 
displayed by the highly respectable broker, and 
been charged either \ or \ commission, according 
to the d«egree of horror with which this respectable 
saint regarded speculation. 

So that if A wished to sell his 1000 Midland before 
the market had changed, he would have lost the 
difference between 133, which was the price he could 
have bought at, and 133i, and also the \ or \ per 
cent, commission, in other words, £5 in jobber's turn, 
and either £2 10s. or £5 in broker's commission. So 
that if you employ a saint, you will know the saint 
will not try to cheat you ; but on each thousand you 
will probably lose £7 10s., without any change in 
the market price ; while, if you employ a sinner, 
you will only lose £3 15s. This will make an enor- 
mous difference in three months' speculation. And 
observe, the saint is really an honorable man, but 
he unwittingly neglects his client's interest by 
haughty carelessness. 

Perhaps you think this is done to discourage 
speculation. If so, it is very odd that when a man 
is known to be an investor, he has a wider price made 
to him and more commission charged than if he be 
a speculator. When you hear a broker say to you, 
" I am going to give up speculative business and 
take to investments," you may be sure of one of three 
things. Either he is a hypocritical would-be-saint, a 
straightforward liar, or wishes to get rid of you. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 345 

Investors' business, with the bother of transfers and 
stamps, would not enable the average broker to live. 

No, my dear " Outside Fools," if you speculate, 
don't go to one of these highly respectable saintly 
persons who cannot endure speculation, and, to show 
their abhorrence of it, play, unwittingly of course, 
into the hands of the jobber, and wittingly charge 
you twice as much commission. Go to a man like 
Erasmus Pinto, and keep a sharp look out, and you 
will lose less and learn far more. 

A Broker. — A middleman, who acts between the 
client and the jobber for a commission, varying with 
the price of the security and his own conscience. 
The client's agent and protector, or the jobber's friend 
and ally, as the case may require. 

Contango or Continuation. — An indefinite and vari- 
able, but highly profitable source of gain to both 
jobbers and brokers, generally paid by the bull for 
the privilege of keeping his bargains open until the 
settling day of the next account. In theory, it is 
heavy or light, strictly according to the bond fide 
supply and demand of a stock, and when that supply 
and demand is exactly balanced, there should be no 
contango; but the bull should be enabled to continue 
his bargain for nothing, or, as we say, the stock should 
be carried over even. Should the demand for the stock 
be greater than the supply, i.e., should the stock be 
very scarce, and the jobber find himself unable to 
deliver to buyers, who perhaps combine to take the 
stock off the market in order to create an artificial 
scarcity, he will in theory give the bull speculator 
something to carry over instead of making him pay. 

There is no rule in the price of contango. Perhaps 



346 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

we may say that from J to § is the most common 
price for a bull to pay on Eailway Stocks that are 
below £100 in value, and from f to § on those above 
£100. Just now the heavy lines are carried over at 
a cheaper rate, because they are beared, and well 
held. Practically the bull will find that when he 
carries over his stock the charge is heavy, and the 
bear will find that when he carries over his, the sum 
he receives is very light. You see there is a whole 
day for this mercurial contango to keep playing at 
hide and seek with both bulls and bears, and it never 
seems to get tired of the game. A novice had better 
carry over as soon as the price is declared, for this 
reason, that the jobber does not then know so 
well how to charge to suit his books. It is usual for 
a broker to charge the client half commission every 
time stock is carried over and not to charge for sell- 
ing the same. Some brokers charge nothing for 
carrying over, but a fresh commission for selling. 
Erasmus Pinto prefers the latter arrangement, as, 
with "Amicable Relations," he would back himself 
to get his percentage every time the stock was carried 
over as well as the commission for selling. He 
would make things pleasant, dear " Outside Pools," 
for the jobber. Young brokers, if you have a fit 
of the blues, make things pleasant on continuation 
day with the jobber, the laughing and the profit 
will set your slow secretions right again. Make 
your balls j>ay stiff contangoes, and see that your 
bears get little, and just take this hint. I find it 
work admirably. Manage to have clients who are 
balls, and other clients who are bears of the same 
stocks. You can thea in theory give the charge 
the bull has to pay to the bear ; in practice you 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 347 

can divert half of the charge into your own 
pocket, and do without the jobber at all. This is a 
beautiful arrangement, so safe and simple. The only 
danger is that a young broker should not be able to 
keep his countenance while playing the game. I 
took to it very kindly, and now can even indirectly 
advise my clients so that I always have a good lot of 
bears and bulls of the same stock by carrying over 
day. And they used to say, " Now, Pinto, mind you 
don't let the jobber cheat us ; " and I used to say, 
truly, " I will take care of that/' and I never laughed . 
No, on my honor, never once. 

Backwardation. — A charge paid by the bear for 
deferring delivery of the stock he has sold without 
possessing. This is the opposite of contango. It 
occurs much more seldom than contango. The causes 
of backwardation are these. A scarcity of the stock 
sold by the bear, produced either by a sudden influx 
of investors, who call upon the jobber to deliver the 
stock. Many jobbers, just like retail traders, always 
keep a certain quantity of the sound and fluctuating 
stocks on hand, enough to supply the average demand. 
But the presence of backwardation implies more than 
the average demand. If investors suddenly require 
the jobber to deliver what he has not gut, he must 
offer the bulls something to continue their transac- 
tions, and charge the bears heavily for helping to 
produce the scarcity by selling what they cannot 
deliver. Wealthy speculators often combine to take 
off large quantities of a stock .that is small in amount, 
and thus produce an artificial scarcity. The public 
have perhaps become bears of the stock. Officials 
behind the scenes have perhaps sold heavily, knowing 
that a bad dividend is to be declared, or that some 



348 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

other adverse event is to come off, which the general 
market is unaware of. In all these cases a back- 
wardation has to be paid by the bear to the bull. 
In theory, the bull gets it all, allowing for the 
jobber's turn. In practice, the bear pays it to his 
agents, except the fragment that finds its way with 
difficulty to the credit side of the bull's account, 
When the supply of stock is large, the bear has no 
backwardation to pay, but receives a contango? 
varying according to the honesty and industry of his 
agents." 

As mentioned above, when the stock is scarce he 
has to pay. No rule can be given as to the amount 
of this charge. It may be t x q and it may be 2 per 
cent. Perhaps from J to J is the average amount 
paid by bears under such circumstances. Just like 
contango, backwardation loves to play at hide and 
seek with the bear-speculators, and when a good many 
frightened bears have paid a heavy charge early in 
the morning on carrying over day, backwardation 
will often disappear altogether. 

Perhaps backwardation is afraid of getting a good 
hiding from the bears, whom it has humbugged by 
its antics, and frightened into paying so heavily for 
the privilege of deferring their transactions until 
the next account. However that may be, on its 
disappearance, the bear can " carry back " his transac- 
tion or keep it open to next account for nothing, or, 
as we say, u even." 

Cover or Margin. — These terms are applied to 
money deposited with brokers by clients as securi ty 
for the payment of differences. There is no rule 
as to the amount, nor is it customary between gentle- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 349 

men, unless the client be a new one and the trans- 
action large. 

Making~wp. — This means the arrangement between 
jobber and broker as to what securities are to be 
taken up, what delivered, and what carried over to 
next account. If no notice be given by the client to 
his broker, the securities " open " must be bought or 
sold on that or the next day, or a name passed to 
take up or deliver the same. If there be a special 
reason, brokers will, if requested, defer carrying over 
until the afternoon of the first day, and rarely till 
the morning of the next day. 

The Delivery of Stock Transferred. — Sellers of stock 
that requires a transfer stamp, unless by agreement 
the transaction be done for cash, are allowed ten 
clear days to deliver the stock. If not delivered on 
the eleventh day, the broker should be instructed by 
the client to " buy the stock in " against the seller 
which must be done by twelve o'clock, after one hour's 
notice has been given. If not bought in by half-past 
twelve, the notice to be cancelled, but if bought in, 
the stock must be delivered by one o'clock on the 
twelfth or next day. 

Receiving and Paying Money for Stock Bought or 
Sold. — Those who have paid the broker for stock 
taken up naturally feel that they ought to receive 
what they have paid for; but as the seller is allowed 
ten days to deliver, they do not receive it; indeed 
often, where no 'instructions to " buy in" have been 
given to the broker, it is a month before the stock 
is obtained by the purchaser. This is a disadvan- 
tage, as he might wish to borrow money upon it, 
besides the disagreeable feeling of having paid the 
money and received nothing for it. I am instructed 



350 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

to say that the honorable members of the Stock 
Exchange feel that some alteration of this law is 
required; but, meantime, I can assure investors and 
speculators that where they have signed the transfer, 
which is generally certified by the company, there 
is no danger. The danger lies here. Suppose you 
have an account with Erasmus Pinto, in which you 
have to pay £1000 for stock you have bought and 
intend to keep. It is customary to pay Erasmus 
Pinto on the settling day, although the transfer may 
not, and usually does not, come in until from three 
or four to ten days after that period. Now of course 
there is nothing on earth to prevent Erasmus Pinto, 
after cashing your cheque, from levanting with your 
money, and leaving you to pay again or go without 
the stock. It is all gammon, my dear " Outside 
Fools," to talk about not dealing with a broker unless 
you trust him. You have no right to be obliged so 
to trust him. We trusted Overend and Gurney pretty 
well. Collie had his share of credit. My brothers 
know what nonsense that is, and they want this rule 
altered. Indeed, some respectable brokers won't 
take the money until the stock does come in. Snobs, 
who know they are thieves, and think refusing to 
pay is as good as telling them that they are, would 
send you away if you refused to pay for stock on 
settling day. 

Until the law is altered, dear " Outside Fools," 
keep a sharp look out upon your broker, and if he 
does not like it, you may take your oath he is a snob 
or thief. 

In delivering stock, you must not expect the money 
from your broker until you have signed the transfer 
and given him the certificate ; all you have to mind is 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 351 

that he does not give you a cheque that comes back 
with N.E. or N.S, on its face, and that he does not 
sell your stock for cash and retire from the scene 
altogether. Such cases have been known, and you 
need not be surprised that Erasmus Pinto's brothers 
feel rather sore that their good name should be 
dragged through the dirt by the malpractices of these 
black sheep. 

Scrip or Securities to Bearer. — With few exceptions, 
this term is a synonym for rubbish, or, at best, the 
so-called securities are equivalent in value to a mine. 
One year they are worth 70, another 40, and at some 
time they die out altogether. Besides this, they 
depend entirely upon the great financier s name at 
the back of them. He will endorse them as long as 
he sees his way to get enormous pickings out of 
repealed loans for the same improving countries, as 
they are always termed until the public refuse more 
subscriptions. Then the great magnate of finance 
suddenly discovers that this improving country is not 
good enough for him, and passes the half or three 
parts sucked orange on to a brother financier whose 
tarnished name will let him deal in damaged oranges. 

The former great supporter does not object to sell 
a huge bear of damaged oranges before he withdraws 
his valuable concern from the Jew's fruit shop. Not 
by any means. He rather likes it. Besides the other 
disadvantages of these I O U's, some of which are 
worth nothing, and others are on the eve of a heavy 
fall, there is this ugly fact, that they may be lost, 
like five-pound notes, and if you think the countries 
who issued them will give you fresh ones, I pity 
your innocence. Their principle is repudiation, and 
this is legal repudiation. The advocates of this sort 



352 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

of security say, " It is so negociable and so free from 
expense of transfer and fee." More shame to our 
government that it is so. 

More than One Broker Desirable. — The advantage 
of having two or more brokers is considerable. You 
can check the prices, and see by the comparison 
whether there be collusion. If you have bought 
from one and want to act again in the same stock, 
his instincts would tell him that you would be likely 
to sell ; whereas, if you go to the other, he would not 
know that. But, my dear " Outside Fools," if you 
played that little game with Erasmus Pinto, he 
would soon find out your other broker and make it 
all right. 

Ex-Div., or Ex-Int., Ex-New, Cum-Div. — These 
abbreviations, so often seen iu the daily share list, 
mean this. That a stock is, from the present date, 
to be considered in all dealing as ex the dividend 
or interest due upon it, or ex the proportion of new 
share that may be due to a bull. The rule is this. 
All purchases made before the stock is quoted ex- 
div., or ex-int., or ex-new, are entitled to the dmdend, 
interest, or proportion of new shares, and all sales 
made previously to that quotation lose the same 
advantages. A bear of stock has to pay the divi- 
dends, interest, and proportion of new shares, and 
that is not to be despised in railway securities, 
Don't draw a wrong deduction from the recent drop 
in Kails, dear " Outside Fools;" see how large the 
rise was from the commencement before you form a 
hasty judgment. 

Consols. — This word is an abbreviation for consoli- 
dated stocks. Nearly ten million of the national 
debt was consolidated in 1751, and the interest fixed 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 353 

at 3 per cent. The debt was three hundred and 
seventy millions in 1852, the increase being caused 
by war. 

A Stag. — One who applies for shares in a new 
company or stock in a Foreign Loan, with the inten- 
tion of selling the allotment-letter. 

An Outsider. — This term applies to a dealer in 
stocks and shares who is not a member of the House ; 
but as used in an article of the Times some few months 
ago, in the expression, " the foolish outsider ," we pre- 
sume it only refers, dear " Outside Fools," to your 
worthy selves. Never mind, it is much better to be 
a " foolish outsider" than a rogue who makes use of 
his position to plunder poor dupes, as, alas, Erasmus 
Pinto and others have too often done. 

Pm., or Prem., stands for the premium or price 
above its par value at which any stock or share is. 

Pis. — Stands for the discount or price below the 
par value of stock and shares. 

A Pefaulter or Lame Puck. — One who absconds, 
levants, or cannot pay his differences. 

What governs the daily price of stocks and shares ? 
The two powers that regulate the price of all shares 
are, — 

Supply and Pemand. — If a corn-merchant finds the 
prospect of the harvest bad, he immediately bids for 
corn to secure a stock that he knows will be wanted, 
and his bidding or endeavor to get the stock puts up 
the price. On the other hand, if the harvest pros- 
pects are good, he tries to sell his stock, or most of 
it, for fear he should have it on his hands in a declin- 
ing market. Too many corn-merchants for the last 
two or three years have been stuck with corn. Just 
so when the warm winds of April and May (when 



354 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

there are any) induce the speculative fish to nibble 
or bite freely, there is a run on worms and gentles, 
and some broker-anglers, who have not sniffed the 
coming feeding inclination, are short of worms and 
gentles, and have to bid for them and put up the 
price. Then has the " catcher of the early worm " 
his golden harvest. Your speculative fish are always 
found in shoals. The silent solitary pike is repre- 
sented by the great Loan Monger, aided sometimes, 
we fear, by the City editor. 

I and plenty of my brother brokers have seen the 
public rush at the markets so eagerly that the dealers 
were obliged to put up the price from one to two per 
cent, for several mornings to protect themselves, so 
universal was the inclination to buy. That was the 
time for an outside bull. But, hark ye " outsiders," 
don't buy on a jump at the opening. The jobber 
is a much more accurate gauger of the public require- 
ments than you think ; and nine times out of ten, if 
you buy on such a rise at the opening, you will find 
a lull ensue, when you will not buy again. But that 
is when you ought to buy. 

The Best Time of the Year to Speculate. — At that 
time when the first chance occurs. Erasmus Pinto 
is not such a charlatan, dear " Outside Fools," as to 
try and pick your pockets by giving advice on what 
none but those gifted with second sight or some 
supernatural power can offer an opinion worth the 
words the opinion is couched in. 

Riggers and Members of a Syndicate. — These are 
wealthy speculators who band together generally 
under the leadership of one or more leading spirits 
connected with the Big or Operations of the Syndi- 
cate. Their laches are very simple, and much more 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 355 

dishonest than your speculation, dear " Outside 
Fools." They create an artificial scarcity of stock, 
generally a small one, because it is so much more 
easily handled, and often a bad one, because the 
public will probably be bears of it, by buying 
suddenly through their instructed agents large 
quantities of it, often offering to give money for the 
call of more at a price higher then the current one, 
so as to give the impression that something good is 
going to come off. They hire, when they are strong 
enough, columns in the papers and write up their 
selection. They establish " Amicable Eelations " 
with brokers and jobbers whom they can tempt by a 
hope of some small share of the plunder. And so 
they force up the price of stocks which are by no 
means always fit for investment or sound speculation 
to a price far above their value. Well, they know 
that on a sudden rise the public bears will close, and 
bulls rush in to aid their philanthropic game of 
Unloading, as we term it, their expensive wares. 

Wreckers. — This elegant appellation is bestowed 
upon those who make a similarly-organized attack 
as bears upon some stock, rotten or good, according 
to their power, and force down the price by large 
and successive sudden sales. They trust to the well- 
known fact that the ignorance of investors about the 
merit of the stocks they hold is so great and their 
fears so readily excited that they are sure to come 
to the help of the Wreckers, and enable them to 
close their transactions at a handsome profit. 

A Corner, Pool, Clique, Ring are all terms 
equivalent to a Rig or Wreck. 

Banging the Market only means producing a 
temporary fall by sheer audacity and impudent 



356 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

offering of stock in large quantities, or by the circu- 
lation of false telegrams and mendacious statements. 
The American terms for " bulling " and " bearing " 
are " selling long" and " selling short" or, as they 
sometimes say, "To go long" or "go short" 



CHAPTEE LXXVIII. 

ON THE WORKING OF OPTIONS. 

Of all kinds of speculation none are more interesting 
than speculating by "Options." If speculation 
could be conducted by the public in this way, I do 
not think it would do much harm. And the exercise 
of the mind requisite to work them properly is bene- 
ficial rather than not. Certainly if a man be fond 
of theory, a good calculator, and desire to conduct 
his speculation upon sound principles, without incur- 
ring the practically indefinite risk attaching to most 
other kinds of speculation, he should speculate by 
options. 

As I observe that writers on Stock Exchange 
speculation give no explanation of the working of 
these options, I will illustrate them briefly for the 
benefit of those cautious and mathematically-minded 
" outsiders " who may have thought that here, at least, 
they have found out how a clever " Outside Fool " 
may win money if he likes. 

There are several kinds of Options. The most com- 
mon are the Put Option, the Call Option or the Put 
and Call Option, called by the Americans the Straddles. 
There are options for the day, or for the account, or 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 357 

for the next account but one, and even for a longer 
time. Daily options expire at a quarter to three 
o'clock on the same day ; other options at a quarter 
to three o'clock on the carrying over day of the 
account for which they are entered into. 

The "Call Option''' will be understood better by 
the novice if he consider it as a speculation in which 
he may gain indefinitely, and can only lose a fixed 
sum which he agrees to pay for the option or right 
of taking or not taking a certain quantity of stock at 
a certain price at a fixed future date. 

In the following illustrations I have selected the 
stock that has been most dealt in by options, and 
have supposed the fluctuations to be moderate and 
probable. 

The Working of a Call Option. — Suppose the specu- 
lator has given \ per cent, which would be a fair 
price for the call of 5000 Turkish 5 per cents, for 
the account at 23, he then stands to lose £25 if no 
rise occurs, and to win an indefinite sum from any 
rise that may occur, or from the way he works 
against his call option. I may just mention that 
most brokers only charge commission on the deal- 
ings, i.e., if no chance of dealing has occurred all the 
time, they charge no commission. We have assumed 
that the speculator has given £25 for the call of 
5000 Turks at 23. His object is now to profit by the 
rise. If after he has given the money the stock 
fails all the account and does not recover, he of 
course will lose his money. But had he given it just 
before the repudiation, when the stock was much 
higher, he would have lost no more than his £25. 
Suppose it rises from 23, the option price, to 23J 
buyers, the operator should sell 2000 of the 5000, 



358 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

because a relapse is likely, and the price already 
shows a profit of J per cent. If he sells 2000 he will 
have a profit on the account day of £10. Suppose 
the stock rises further to 23f buyers, he should sell 
1000 more. This would show a profit against the 
call of £7 10s. If it rises to 24 buyers, he should 
sell another 1000, which would leave him still one 
thousand open and give another profit of £10. Now 
if I were the operator I should not close the last 
thousand unless it showed a rise of 2 per cent, or 
more, but the speculator must observe this. If, 
after his first sale, the stock dropped not less than 
§ (it would hardly be worth his while to act if it 
did not), but as much more as might happen, he 
should disregard the call and treat his sale as an 
ordinaiy bear operation, closing at whatever profit 
the price would allow. Thus, instead of letting the 
sale of the first thousand at 23J be reckoned as 
against the call price of 23, if it dropped after the 
sale to below 23, he should buy back, because he 
would gain more by so doing and still have the whole 
option open. Just so with the second, third, or fourth 
thousand sold. If it falls to near the option price 
or below it, he should treat the matter as a simple 
bear operation, closing at a profit and starting again 
with his option free to act against again. The oper- 
ator must remember that he should enter into his 
option bargain as soon as the account begins, because 
he would have so much more time to act in, and not 
forget that -\ 2 - commission per thousand stock is 
charged, and that he need not call the stock on the 
option day unless it shows a profit. As a general 
rule at least |- should be sold on a fair rise, if the oper- 
ator does not take the scale given above, and at 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 359 

least one-fifth left open to catch a possible large fluc- 
tuation. The operator who simply does nothing 
while the market keeps moving up and down will 
never make options pay, and if he is so clear about 
the rise he had better be a bull of the stock and pay 
nothing but the commission. 

The Working of a Put Option. — This will be better 
understood by the novice if looked upon as a specu- 
lation in which the loss is definite and the possible 
gain indefinite. The same amount is generally given 
not necessarily because the stock is so likely to rise 
as to fall, as because by a dealer in the House a put or 
call option can be made to act as a protection with 
equal ease. 

We will suppose, then, that our operator has given 
\ for the " put " of Turkish 5 per cents, at 23 believing 
that the stock will fall. If it rises all the account, 
he of course loses the money. But we will assume 
that after he has given for the 'put at 23 the stock 
falls \ per cent. He might buy 2000, because he 
would make £10, reckoning against his put, less the 
commission of course of l i per 1000. In all these 
examples the commission must be deducted. If after 
he has bought 2000 the market rallies to 22£, he 
would be wise to consider the previous operation as 
a bear sale closed at a profit of £7 -10s., instead of 
reckoning 2000 of the put option as used, and a profit 
of £10 made. He would then have the put of 5000 
to act against as before. Suppose the stock falls to 
22f , he might buy 3000 this time, as he had already 
made £7 10s. of his £25. This, if reckoned against 
the put option, would give a profit of £18 15s. But 
if the market rallied after his purchase to 22-J, he 
would do well to consider himself a protected bull of 



360 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

3000 Turks at 22f, and to sell them at 22£, making a 
profit of £15, instead of £18 15s., if reckoned against 
3000 of his option of 5000. He would have the whole 
5000 to act against again, and on every moderate 
drop he should buy part of his 5000, and whenever it 
came near to the option price he should treat the 
operation as a simple bull, and sell to secure the 
profit and leave himself free to act. No amount of 
dealing and profit vitiates the option if each transac- 
tion be closed. 

The Working of a Put and Call Option or Strad- 
dles. — The operator generally pays something less 
than twice the price of the single operation for this 
privilege. If the Put or Call of Turks were \ per 
cent , as we assumed above, the put and call ought to 
be bought f for an account. 

The novice will understand it better if he considers 
that he is both a protected bear and bull within 
certain limits, and that his object is to get his option 
money back, and a profit beside, by frequent dealings 
within the range of his option, or by the difference 
above or below the option price at a quarter to three 
on the first day of the account. His loss is definite. 
His gain depends upon the fluctuations in price and 
his skill in taking advantage of them. 

We will suppose that a speculator has given \ for 
the " put and call " of 5000 Turks for the account at 
23. He can only lose £43 15s. 

It does not matter to him whether the stock rise or 
fall, as long as it does one or the other. 

Suppose, then, after he has given the money, that 
some one of the many causes at work knocks the 
price down from the option price of 23 to 22J. 
When I say 22J I mean of course 22J sellers. And 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 361 

vice versa in the other reckonings. He should buy 
2000, and reckoning it as against the put option at 
23, there would be a profit of £10. So if the stock 
rose to 23^-, he should sell 2000, and reckoning that 
against the call option, there would be a profit of 
£10. But if in either case the price came within \ of 
the option price, viz., 23, it would be better to treat 
the first operation as a simple bull at 22^-, and to sell 
it at 22-|, or to treat the other operation as a simple 
bear operation at 23J-, and to buy at 23-J-. He would 
in each case make -J- per cent, less profit, but he 
would have the whole of his 5000 to operate against 
again, instead of only 3000, and would have still 
made § per cent, profit. 

In this way the operator should keep on taking 
advantage of the fluctuations, but not closing the 
whole 5000, except the profit be great enough to 
show a good profit after paying the option money. 
But all Stock Exchange speculation has so much to 
do with the unforeseen, that an operator should 
always have a small part open, unless provoked to 
close by a large fluctuation. 

In theory it is a mistake to give for the double 
option in all cases where the stock is not very 
unsettled, and liable through special causes to violent 
fluctuations. 

How to Turn a Single Option into a Double One. 
— Suppose the operator, as before, has given J per 
cent, for the put or call of 5000 Turkish Fives at 23, 
and he feels uncertain about the probable fluctua- 
tions, and yet does not wish to incur the expense of 
the double option. To give himself the advantage 
of the "put and call option" (in a less degree, of 
course), he should act thus. 

Q 



362 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

At the time when he gives for the put of 5000 at 
23, he should buy 2000 at as near 23 as the jobbers' 
turn would permit; or, if he gave for the call of 5000 
at 23, he should sell 2000 at the same time, and as 
near the price as the market would allow; the 
difference would only be T ! g, or at most ^. In the 
first case he would virtually be a protected bear 
of 3000, and a protected bull of 2000 Turks. In 
the other he would virtually be a protected bull of 
3000, and a protected bear of 2000. If the stock 
rose above 23, he should sell slowly, not more than 
1000 at a time, unless the rise was considerable, and 
take care, if a drop ensued to near the option price, 
to treat it as a simple bear transaction, while if the 
stock fell to below 23, he should buy still more slow- 
ly, as he has only 2000 to work with on this side, and 
remember, if the stock rallies to near the option 
price, he should treat it as a simple bull operation. 
He would then in both cases have his option of 3000 
on the one side, and 2000 on the other, free to act 
against as before. The double option has this advan- 
tage, that there is no loss in the turn of the market, 
whereas in the single one there is. 

The Working of Options in Practice. — Options are 
very interesting in theory, dear " Outside Fools," but 
they are not easy things to manage in practice, and 
I will tell you why. 

In the first place, from our great experience we 
can estimate the value of them very much better 
than you can, and make the price accordingly. 

Secondly, dealing by options is discouraged indi- 
rectly with " outsiders" and when an " outsider " does 
persist in trying to deal, he does so at great disad- 
vantage in the price. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 363 

A jobber in options will make the price J-f, that is, 
he will take from the " outsider " f per cent., or give 
him J. And observe, this is only in such a stock as 
Turkish 5 per cents., Peru, or Egypt ; not now, mind, 
but when there was a comparatively steady market. 
In Spanish, the option can be had for about § , the 
double option for § to f , as a rule. 

But in any fluctuating stock, the jobber will most 
likely refuse to deal at all, or if he does offer to do so, 
he will make this sort of price 2-4. That is, he will 
take 4 per cent., or give 2 per cent. 

In Consols the option varies from J to f per cent., 
and often the double option can be had for J per cent. 
Take my advice, dear " Outside Fools," and keep 
clear of options, unless you have some good informa- 
tion about a movement likely to come off which others 
have not, and then you might as well act without 
the options. 

Taking the Money in Options. — But if you must 
deal in " Options," whatever you do, don't take the 
money unless you have great confidence in the stock, 
and also possess the stock. 

It is most dangerous. It can be done by " Insiders " 
because they can square their books as you cannot ; 
but. it is the worst operation possible to take the 
money. 

We will suppose that a client has been rash enough 
to do so, and that he has taken 2 per cent, for the 
put of Egypt '73. The stock may drop 5 per cent, 
in a week with the greatest ease, and rise the same. 
Suppose you try to protect yourself by selling a 
bear of the same amount as you have taken money 
from the dealer for allowing him the right of put- 
ting the stock on you when the account day comes 



364 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

round. This is all very well ; but suppose the stock 
never drops at all, but rises before option day 4 to 
5 per cent. The dealer will not put the stock on 
you, of course, and you will be caught a bear, with a 
difference of 2 or 3 per cent, to pay after reckoning 
the 2 per cent, you receive from the jobber. 

Suppose, on the other hand, that you have taken 
1 \ per cent, for the call of Great Northern A, and 
have not the stock ; you buy yourself a bull of the 
same amount to be ready for the dealer; but lo, the 
stock drops all the account instead of rising, and he 
never calls it of j^ou, but leaves you a bull with a loss 
of 4 or 5, with only \\ to meet it. 

If you hold a stock that fluctuates moderately, and 
you also believe in it, there is not much harm in tak- 
ing for the put and call, if the dealers will give a fair 
price, which it is not often they will do. In this case, 
if the stock is called, you have it to deliver, and if it 
is put upon you, you have only got some more of what 
you believe in and a bonus for speculation in it. 

Wide Trice Options. — Some speculators prefer to 
give less money for the option and have it fixed at a 
more disadvantageous price to them. 

Thus, suppose A gives J for the put of 5000 Turks 
at 23 when the market is 23J ; he will only have to 
pay £12 10s. for his option ; but the stock must fall 
more than J per cent, before he can act at all. It 
looks cheap; but it does not often answer. So if he 
gave \ for the call at 23J when the market is 23. it 
must rise more" than a half before he can deal. 

Sometimes speculators will buy, say 1000 stock, 
and give J per cent, for the Call of more, i.e., the option 
of calling another thousand during the account. 

Or they will give J per cent, for the Put of more 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 365 

when they have sold 1000. If they can get a broker 
and a jobber to carry this out, it will sometimes 
answer ; but in all cases where it would answer you 
will find both us and the jobbers fully alive to the 
fact, and we shall not let you have any great bargain, 
you may be sure. 

Jobbers' Options. — As a rule most jobbers prefer to 
go home with their books even, and as they cannot 
always manage this, they will give or take from -§- to 
§ for the call or put of the stocks they deal in, for the 
same day, or generally from the afternoon of one day 
till a quarter to three on the next. And the outsider 
"who has a good nose for a market will, if his broker 
be smart and willing, find no trouble in getting 
options of this sort done, only he must remember that 
he will have to pay from n> to \ more than the jobber 
would, and when you consider that this is only for 
one day, even ~ makes a good deal of difference. 

From Saturday to Monday is a good time for these 
operations on the Boulevards, as it is sometimes called 
in Throgmorton Street, opposite MacLean's Exchange, 
a favorite venue. 



CHAPTER LXXIX. 



ENGLISH • RAILWAY AS " MEDIA" FOR SPECULATION 
AND INVESTMENT. 

But what are we to buy? say " Outside Fools." 

Buy English Rails when they are not too high. 
They have been so, but they will soon below enough. 
This season of the year is generally bad for bulls ; 
but after March is past you may expect a bull to have 



366 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

his turn. Here are my reasons for advising you to 
buy the English Eails. 

They are real property, and indestructible. They 
don't depend upon the name of some great magnate 
who at any moment may desert the ship and leave 
the passengers to drown, as is the case with Foreign 
loans. 

The strife of politics, the panics of finance alike are 
powerless to damage them or permanently affect the 
price. There never will again be the same compe- 
tition from the Foreign loans. That growing evil, 
over-population, does the railroads good. Extension 
manias are over now. There are no temporary loans* 
to be renewed in panic times. They have been all 
converted into permanent Debenture Stock, which 
does not quite pay 4 per cent., so eagerly is it sought 
for. Even the Preferences cannot be bought to pay 
more than from 4J to 4J per cent., and where the full 
dividend is expected shortly to be made up, they cannot 
be bought to pay more than Consols. 

Of course to a speculator a half per cent, more or 
less dividend is a matter of some consequence, but 
the investor may hold the best English Eailways 
with the greatest confidence. All he has to do is to 
buy more when a heavy drop has occurred from 
temporary causes. A man does not give up the 
occupation of his farm because he has had one or two 
bad years, but waits for the average return. It 
should be so with Railway Stocks. 

Only do, my dear " Outside Investing Fools " (for 
of all fools you mostly are the most ignorant, and 
often make the heaviest losses, because you hold till 
there is nothing left to hold), remember this. The 
time to buy is not when your broker is advising you 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 367 

to do so, when City editors are drawing attention to 
or when every one is talking loudly in praise of such 
and such a stock ; but when there has been a fall, 
and when you feel inclined to think the soundest 
stocks are rotten at the core — that's the proper time 
to buy. Just now (I am speaking of January of the 
present year, 1876), all good securities have been 
forced up by the continued dulness of trade, the great 
scarcity of good investments, the general collapse in 
Foreign securities, and the ease of the money 
market. If you value your peace of mind, touch not 
a Foreign Bond, unless it be the few given in the 
list appended to this book. The great trunk lines 
of the country are the true investments for a man of 
sense who likes a sound and fluctuating security. 
Unless you believe that our country has passed the 
zenith of its prosperity, and that there is no revival 
of trade to come, or that the accounts have been so 
unfairly kept that a startling revelation of chicanery 
and fraud is in store for investors here, English Rails 
are the only true field for sensible operations, 
whether for speculation or investment. No doubt 
working expenses are now nearly at their lowest, but 
as soon as the coal and iron trades revive, so surely 
will the goods traffic largely increase, and whatever 
state trade may be in population will travel more arid 
more each year that comes. ' More confidence is felt 
and more is known now about railroads than before. 
The substitution of steel rails for iron will cer- 
tainly tell very favorably in the cost of permanent 
way. They last from six to seven times as long. 
There is, too, a great saving in the substitution of 
iron for wood in the construction of bridges, stations , 
and other works. And .whatever may be said of the 



368 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

block-system, and its defects, were it not for the in- 
difference and carelessness of the company's servants 
themselves, who, like domestics, are getting too much 
the tipper hand, there would be very much fewer 
accidents. No doubt in time machinery will free 
us still more from dependence on manual labor, 
where life is so concerned as it is here. Some of 
the larger companies have already supplemented 
the original double line with additional lines of rails, 
and are now in a position to deal properly with the 
large accession of business which the next revival of 
trade must bring; other large railway companies are 
paying heavy sums as interest on unproductive capi- 
tal, all of which is borne by revenue, and as soon as 
that capital becomes productive the recovery in price 
will be great and permanent. Competitive schemes 
are neither fostered by the public nor by Parliament. 
See what the Brighton scheme has ended in, in spite 
of prophecies to the contrary. But a careful selec- 
tion is necessary even in Bails. 

The passenger lines have hitherto had it nearly all 
their own way, and we think that South- Western, 
Metropolitan District Preference, and Brighton will 
continue to improve. North British, at its present 
price of 103 Cum-div., is a good investment. Future 
prospects are often more important to look to than 
present dividends. Investors generally buy on the 
dividend declared, and by doing so they throw a 
great temptation in the way of directors to make 
things too pleasant. Great Eastern depends upon 
the development of the suburban traffic, Metropolitan 
may improve, Midland is a very improving property, 
and North-Western very safe ; but the great trunk 
lines will not have their rise.until trade revives, and 
then it will be considerable. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 369 

The reason why the passenger lines are the best 
speculative purchase now is because they are not 
committed to a heavy capital expenditure, as is the 
case with the goods lines, and are not so much affected 
by the bad trade of the country. 

Investors and speculators should watch their 
opportunity here. The great men just now are un- 
loading largely, but they will want their cargoes 
back again ere long. 



CHAPTEE LXXX. 



WHY THE GREAT TRUNK LINES ARE PREFERABLE AS 
SPECULATIVE " MEDIA " TO THE SMALLER ONES. 

It is better for the sober speculator to buy the great 
trunk lines for these reasons. Directors and their 
friends cannot manipulate the stocks so easily. It is 
a very different thing to move a stock thirty millions 
in amount, which requires several hundred thousand 
pounds to pay one per cent, in dividend, and which 
is held more firmly by investors, than it is one to 
which £40,000 will give an extra two per cent, of 
dividend. A very different thing, dear " Outside 
Fools," Don't be a bear or bull of such small stocks, 
unless you can afford to lose considerably. One 
accident may sweep away the whole earnings of a 
year. In these close boroughs you are indeed on 
slippery ground. 

Let me draw your attention to this fact. It is the 

direct interest of officials in high places to charge 

everything against revenue for as long a period as 

possible, and to pay small dividends or none at all 

*Q 



370 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

while this is going on. And when this policy has 
brought the line into an efficient state of repair, and 
the working expenses up to a high rate, it is their 
interest to change the plan. Then they charge as 
much as can be charged to capital, and pay large 
dividends until they are compelled, for fear the ship 
should sink, to sail upon the other tack. An even 
uneventful prosperity, such as the South-Western 
enjoys, and an absence of serious market fluctuations, 
means a loss of several thousands a year to these 
officials, and, look here, you carping " Outside Fools," 
who call us Yampires, and other vulgar names, you 
all deserve as much abuse as we. There is a jobber 
in the House who could play hanky-panky tricks 
with this sound line, but never has. Why, he and 
his directors would soon kick riggers and their jugg- 
ling tricks out of their offices. 

As I have observed, the method of treating the 
accounts has much to do with the price of those rail- 
roads where a small sum influences dividend, and 
where the stock is small and easily handled by a 
syndicate. Now, if Erasmus Pinto had the manage- 
ment of one of these companies, his policy would be 
this. Suppose at the time of the inauguration of the 
Pinto rule the line was in a very bad condition, the 
first move would be this. To create a rise with the 
aid of the Pinto clique (directors' names need not 
appear on contracts), so as to give the " Outside 
Fools " the idea that the Pinto ability was great. To 
issue a large amount of stock to equip the line 
thoroughly, get the rolling stock in a fine condition, 
and prepare for the great rise to come. The next 
move would be to sell upon this rise and issue new 
stock, and even sell heavy bears besides. Then the- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 371 

Pinto directorate would charge everything to revenue, 
discover flaws in the keeping of the accounts, lay in 
a wondrous stock of general stores, go in for steel 
rails, block-system, the newest sort of brake, and 
anything and everything that would give an excuse 
for paying no dividend and putting their own hands 
into the till. Every now and then, when the public 
had sold bears on the bad apparent prospects of the 
line, the clever magnates would buy back, and would 
be aided greatly by the fright of " Outside Fools. " 
Then when the proper time arrived, the Pinto party 
would put all their rich friends into the stock, and 
have a comfortable long trot upwards varying from 
ten to fifty per cent., according to the flexibility of 
the raw material. The beauty of this modus operandi 
is its extreme simplicity, and the fact that there's no 
chance of being detected in the game. It is every- 
one's interest to keep the secret. As for you, dear 
" Ordinary Shareholding Outside Fools," you might 
as well attempt to fly up to the moon as to contend 
against such very clever specimens of that curious 
creature, man, as Pinto and his friends most surely 
are. We soon would show you what packed meetings, 
money's power, and proxies mean. 

As soon as our stock had reached its first resting- 
place on its upward march, we should allow you, 
dear "Outside Shareholding Fools," to hear through 
touts and tips of the improved prospects of the line. 
The rise will have been put on so suddenly that you 
will not have had time,, if you had had the idea, to 
buy before. You will then take our " tips," although 
of course you will not think you are taking them 
and buy when the stock is at its first resting-place. 
We shall sell to you, and after you have bought, 



372 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

most singular so say, the stock will drop. Yon, or 
most of you, will be frightened, and sell your bulls, 
and perhaps go in for a little bear as well. We, know- 
ing beforehand what the future is to be, shall buy 
again and take the stock up to a second station, where 
it will stop and take refreshment as before. You will 
say, " What an ass I was to sell, there's something in 
the rise this time ; " and you will buy more eagerly 
than before. We then shall declare an unexpected 
dividend, and get out of our stock on that. These 
tactics will be repeated over and over again, and 
should you happen to be on the same side as Pinto 
and his party, you will find that out of a rise of 30 
per cent, you will only have secured about 3 per 
cent, clear profit. We shall have puzzled you so 
much. 

Now, my dear < c Outside Pools," don't cry aloud, 
"Oh! how dishonorable! how shameful! What a 
cheat ! Oh ! what a rogue 1 " but give your EGOS a 
rap on the knuckles every time they make themselves 
such dolts and hypocrites in uttering such remarks. 
You nearly all would do the same, if but you had the 
chance. Just think to what temptations clever di- 
rectors and railway magnates are exposed. Unless 
they be philosophers or very curious specimens, 
they must play their best cards until your know- 
ledge makes the game more difficult. You have no 
other chance but that. The only difference between 
directors and shareholders is this — the former are 
far more exposed to temptation to abuse their 
trust, and have so many more facilities. Then wake, 
investors, ye that are the sleepy backbone of the 
wealthy speculator's tricks, awake, I say ! make 
your directors aim at closing capital accounts, and 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 373 

cease to try to rival bigger companies. " Eest and 
be thankful " is the motto you should have. But 
hark ye, " Outside Fools." If this be your belief, 
that one man is an angel, and another a devil, that 
Mr. Plausible High-and-Mighty is many thousand 
times better and more honest than Mr. Bluntthief, 
you are the " Outside Fool " I want as a client. None 
will lose his money sooner than yourself. If you are 
impulsive, vain, or arrogant, make pets of stocks, 
hug your ideas, take tips and hate cold principles, 
try to pick others' brains, and deal in half a dozen 
things at once, and cannot bear that men should 
know how small a man you really are, advice is of 
no use to you, and though you be not ruined on 
'Change, which certainly you will be if you do not 
keep away, still, like so many thousand other fools 
who do not speculate, but launch out in a thousand 
ways, and try to make the world believe how very 
big they are, you'll come to grief some other way. 
But if you take old Seesaw's MHMJN A TAN as your 
guide, and act according to our rules, you will not 
lose, though you don't make, and you may be amused 
for years, and learn much wisdom from your close 
acquaintance with Satanic dragon sovereigns' ways. 

The proper course for " outsiders " is this. To 
first study the stock they determine to operate in, or, 
better still, to study several stocks, and then to take 
the earliest eligible opportunity that offers of operat- 
ing in any one of them. To buy, say from a fourth 
to a half of the amount of stock upon which they can 
afford to pay a difference of ten per cent., if neces- 
sary. If the stock rises after the first purchase, to 
sell half the amount bought, and hold the other until 



374 YE OUTSIDB FOOLS. 

a further rise has taken place. If there should be a 
relapse instead of a rise, it would be wise to buy 
again. 

But suppose after the first purchase there has been 
a fall instead of a rise, the speculator should then 
buy a second fourth of what he can afford to pay a 
ten per cent, difference upon, and sell that on a rally. 
But nothing is certain in finance. If, then, after he 
had purchased the second fourth, a fall should occur, 
he must then buy his third fourth, and sell that on a 
rally, and if the rally be strong enough to show a 
profit upon the second fourth also, he should sell that 
too. But we will put an extreme case, and suppose 
that, although he has bought three-fourths of what 
he can afford to pay his ten per eent. difference upon, 
the stock still falls through an extraordinary conca- 
tenation of unfavorable circumstances, or his having 
purchased on the top of a large and artificial rise, he 
must purchase his last fourth and wait for a rally. 
The three requisites to prevent loss, dear " Outside 
Fools,'' are judgment, nerve, and money. Now, in 
this case nerve is the one you want most, and money 
next. But your money has been fixed at ten per 
cent, of the nominal value of the stock purchased, 
therefore nerve is the thing most required. If I 
were in your case I should consider that I had cer- 
tainly done my best, that circumstances had been 
peculiarly untoward, and that it was my duty to 
await the event with calmness. Do you not know 
that in all circumstances in life, not excluding specu- 
lation, if you have done your best according to your 
conscience, you are not morally expected to do any 
more ? I am supposing that your conscience does 
not tell you to keep away, for if it do, and you still 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 375 

come. I consider you beyond the pale of salvation. 
A man who knows what's wrong and still does it, is 
clearly lost ; but I don't believe most of us, dear 
" Outside Fools," act in this way. I have abetter 
opinion of humanity. Well, let us hope, and I tell 
you honestly that if you had chosen such a stock as 
I will shortly point out to you, it would have been 
in the highest degree probable that before you pur- 
chased your second, or third, fourth there would have 
been a rally. Now mind, if you refuse in that event 
to take a profit, you alone are to blame. Never 
mind, if the stock rises afterwards — of course it may, 
but your plan must be right in the long run. 

If you wish to gain confidence with regard to 
the probable fluctuations in Bails, just turn to the 
average rise and fall during each month for three 
years past. You will find that there is a strong- 
tendency in all the best stocks to rally after a fall 
of two or three per cent., especially when there is a 
fair business doing in the stock-markets. Where 
the average fluctuation has been exceeded there 
has mostly been a considerable rise. But let me 
caution you to keep away altogether when there is 
stagnation, or, as perhaps such advice is not 
consistent with an accurate knowledge of human 
nature, to have so small an amount open that you 
practically do not care if a drop of ten or fifteen 
per cent, occurs. The powerful cliques who have 
forced up the price of some railway stocks beyond 
their intrinsic value, seeing that the investment 
demand has ceased, and that the event of the 
dividends has been, as we say on 'Change, fully 
gone for, are turning out their holdings in lumps, 
and that, coming upon a market bare of investors 



376 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

and full of weak bulls, has of course a very great 
effect. The money lost in foreign loans is actually 
gone, and there is so much less buying power left, for 
credit is buying power as well as cash. 

General rules and theory are all very well, but 
more than that is required to be a successful specu- 
lator. Some men have the instinctive diagnostic 
faculty, — that is no doubt only the rapid summing up 
of the knowledge they possess, and then bringing it to 
bear at once; but few have this. 

Every transaction requires special knowledge and 
special attention, and that is why outsiders who deal 
first in one thing and then another must be ruined, 
It is as though a man first opened a baker's shop, 
and then a butcher's, then a barber's, and then a 
tailor's. We don't do that inside. We have our 
market and keep to it, and as we know all about the 
stocks much better to begin with than you do, and 
get better information of what the cliques are about, 
why, it is a certainty that we shall beat you, who 
generally know next to nothing of the stock, take 
the tips of the cliques who want you to do the oppo- 
site, and have not, like us, the necessary capital to see 
it out or to look for the mathematical expectation, as 
the theorists would say. I had a High Wrangler on 
my books (he is dead now), who thought that with 
his knowledge of mathematices he must succeed. 
He was not a gambler, but an experimental phil- 
osopher. What he told me was this, and I tell you, 
dear " Outside Fools " — 

"Multiply each gain or loss by the probability on 
which it depends, compare the total results of gains and 
losses, and then you will have the required average, or, 
as it is termed, the mathematical expectation.'' 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 377 

I professed to be greatly interested, and my interest 
continued until the Wrangler had lost six hundred 
pounds in experimental philosophy. 

As he was tired, I explained to him the fallacy. 
His deductions were quite correct, but his premises 
were wrong. In fact, he started with a petitio 
principii. In other words, he assumed that he knew 
the probability on which the gain or loss depended, 
which was a totally unwarrantable assumption. In 
Stock Exchange speculation, and indeed, as I think, 
in all other things, it is impossible to gain such a 
complete knowledge of the " sum of the conditions " as 
to correctly predict the result of those conditions. 
The only people, my dear " Outside Fools," who have 
any approximate knowledge of this philosphical " sum 
of the conditions " are the powerful men who are behind 
the scenes, the directors, and wire-pullers, and finan- 
cial magnates, who, possessing through their wealth 
enormous leverage on the markets, exercise it re- 
morselessly; and I grant you this, that they, if any 
one, have this knowledge. And yet it would not be 
theoretically correct to say that they had this know- 
ledge, for a war might suddenly break out, they 
might die, a money panic might suddenly occur, or 
a division in their own camp, to frustrate their plans. 
And if this way of making money be not more Satanic 
and dishonest than the gambling of " Outside Fools," 
and more pernicious in effect than the hocus-pocus of 
directors and jobbers, I know nothing of the principles 
of right and wrong. But as I am a broker myself, I 
suppose you will say that's likely enough. 

Well, well, let that pass. I can't see what we have 
to do with weighing up one another's defects and 
excellences so nicely, when if the whole earth were 



378 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

swept clean away, split into fragments, and each 
fragment attracted into some other atmosphere, and 
all of us petty mannikins smothered with our fussy 
EGOS in the dust, it would make no more difference 
to the harmony of the universe than it does when a 
philosopher breaks wind. Away with you, joltheads, 
do your little duties and forget yourselves. But I 
have nothing to do with you ; let me to my " Out- 
side Pools" again. 

As I said before, you must buy a small quantity 
of a sound stock, sell half of it if it rises, if it falls 
buy more, and so on till you have no more power to 
buy left, always selling as soon as your purchase 
shows a fair profit. Bless your worthy hearts, dear 
" Outside Fools," you have no idea of the means 
these official cliques have at their disposal to make 
a rise or fall, and drag you into it. Just call to mind 
how many of these movements you have witnessed, 
and how you were always just aware of the causes 
when the top was reached, or else had sold a bear 
just before the lowest point was touched. Does it 
not make your hair stand on end to find how numer- 
ous they are ? Did not Erasmus Pinto recommend 
Great Westerns to you, when they were 120 ? Did 
he not show you how the weekly returns had four 
months' poor traffic to compare with, and how a bull 
must be safe — for had not the stock been 130 ? Well, 
if he did not, some other genius did! Did not Mac- 
Lean's, the Lombard, the Jerusalem, the Baltic, and 
all the other fashionable haunts of speculating fools 
buzz with the words? Buy Westerns, that's the tip. 
Was it not you, Mr. Verdant Green, who told me the 
other day that I must be an ass for saying that Mid- 
lands were cheaper than Caledonians ? Did you not 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 379 

say to me Midlands are at 137, cum-div., and only pay 
6 per cent., and Caledonians paid 6J last summer, 
and are expected to pay 7J? Anyway, they are buy- 
ing the dividend in the market at 7i& you said. Of 
course they never buy the dividend and sell the stock ! 
Oh, no ! I suppose it could not be made to pay. 
Oh, dear, what Yerdant Greens you are, you " Out- 
side Fools ! " The jobbers in the House know you 
far better than you know yourselves. They know 
your tempers and pet weaknesses, your way of deal- 
ing and your means. Our intermediate agents never 
give us a hint or two ! Oh, no, of course they don't ! 
And this is why we shake the tree so often just 
at the right time, because we know exactly how much 
fruit will fall, and how much will stay on the tree. 
Have you not frequently been sorely puzzled to 
observe those sudden falls or rises which occur inside 
the House in one whole group of stocks at once, and 
frequently without external cause ? Of course you 
have. It means that we all see clearly from the state 
of the accounts ouside how to play our cards, and we 
then begin to play. .We hold most trumps, and what 
is more, can mostly say what shall be trumps, and 
can look over our opponents' hand. The only time 
we can't is when a war breaks out or when a great 
revival from a period of long stagnation first sets in. 
The public at those times have a decided bent, and 
their investments or their sales continue in a current 
strong and well defined. Then bulls of Bashan, let 
your hearts be glad. Then, you may buy half what 
you can afford to pay a difference of 3 or 4 per cent. 
on if you will take profits like a bull of sense. Then 
any fool can make a little coin. Sometimes, if there 
is no market and we want to make an impression 



380 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

on the minds of " Outside Fools/' the lively sinners 
like myself and poor old Seesaw, who is now at 
rest, would chalk dummy bargains on our books, send 
brokers out with quoted changes in the price, and 
even get them marked in the official list and brokers' 
printed evening touts. But hold, I've told you quite 
enough to frighten you. Why don't I tell you rather 
what to do to save yourself? There's sense in that, 
and I have orders not to stir your bile or to excite 
alarm too much. 

But just one word. If an " Outside Investing 
Fool " cannot buy leasehold house property to bring 
in from 6 to 7 per cent, clear of all deductions, he is 
a dolt. And if he can, what on earth does he want 
to buy Russian, Brazil, and French, to pay 5 per 
cent. ? Once let him see a general war, these 5 per 
cent, investments would look very queer, and, what 
is more, he then would sell, because he then would 
find for the first time that he knew nothing of the 
countries' state. 



CHAPTEE LXXXI. 

CAUTIONS TO INTENDING SPECULATORS AND INVEST- 
TOES IN RAILROADS. 

Now, my dear " Foolish Outsiders," as the leading 
journal terms you, lest in our remarks on English 
Railways we should lead you to suppose that all 
you have to do is to buy for speculation or invest- 
ment, and on a drop buy more, we address a few 
words of caution to you before we take our leave. 
We certainly do think that to the permanent holder 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 381 

there is no investment so good as English Railways ; 
but although this be the ease, it does not follow 
that now is the time to begin to buy. During the 
last two years there have been some very unusual 
circumstances to affect the price of Railroads. One 
of these circumstances has been the abnormal and 
continued ease in the money market. Another has 
been the universal distrust of all Foreign Bonds, 
aggravated by the partial repudiation of Turkey, 
and the collapse in the credit of the South American 
Eepublics. A third cause has been the great dulness 
of trade succeeding the prosperity of 1871, 1872, 1873, 
which made many of the large merchants decline 
unremunerative business, especially as the relations 
between labor and capital were so unpromising, and 
bring their money to the Stock Exchange. It may 
seem paradoxical to the tyro, but when trade is bad 
and money cheap, the prices of stocks are inflated, 
because there is no other outlet for capital. A 
fourth cause ha* been the reduction in the price of 
iron and coal; and a fifth, favorable traffic receipts 
on most of the lines, except those affected specially 
by the severity of the struggle between labor and 
capital. The passenger lines derived the greatest 
benefit from the increased traffic, because the increase 
was earned at less expense, less wear and tear to rolling 
stock and permanent way. 

At the very time, then, that cautious speculators, 
whose blood was cool enough to see when a stock 
was too high, and to think of legitimate selling for a 
fall, which, as the City editor of the Times says, 
does good to the community, capital, as is often the 
case, became in direct antagonism to reason, and 
large purchases of Railway stock were made by 



382 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

wealthy speculators, who were of course soon followed 
by a host of minor speculators, with more or less 
means at command. Enormous quantities of stocks 
were bought and pawned at the various banks, which 
would never have made such fearful losses if they 
had only made advances on such solid property, with 
a respectable margin. Of course the principal ope- 
rators, who went in at the commencement of the 
movement, have made very large profits, for they 
were enabled to effect partial realizations as the 
market rose, and then buy again on a temporary 
relapse. I can assure you, my dear " Outside Fools," 
that it took a very shrewd fellow to see that after 
1875 came in, and when the rise in some stocks had 
been considerable, that still the tendency was 
upwards. Any "outsider" who was unfortunate 
enough to be caught a bear in the rise of Brighton, 
Dover A, Metropolitan, and others, will see clearly 
how useless proverbial wisdom is on 'Change. " Buy 
when they're low, and seJl when tiey're high," is 
the old saw. Just so ; be good enough to tell me 
when they're high, and when they're low. If any 
proof could be given of the folly of " outsiders " 
bearing without machinery to help them, for the 
good of the community forsooth, it certainly might 
have been derived from the sharp lesson of 1875. 
How many an honest speculator who listened to the 
broker's sage remark, " Rails are very high," and to 
the gabble of other speculators, or the statements of 
interested professionals, and the insidious sugges- 
tions thrown out from time to time in the news- 
papers, and always at the wrong time, have had 
great reason to rue the day when they tried to go 
against the grain, and sell a bear legitimately, for 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 383 

the good of themselves and the community. We can 
bear inside because we get our turns and a peep at 
the state of the account. You outside know nothing 
of the account, and get not much more than half as 
much as we do in contango, besides the danger of 
being frightened into closing just at the wrong time. 

But to return. As soon as the wealthy specu- 
lators had bough t, the accommodating Money 
Articles enunciated the theory that about four per 
cent, was sufficient return on all Railways that were 
improving, and that about ten per cent, might be 
safely added on to the price for the privilege of 
possessing, as the ordinary stocks do, the reversion of 
the whole earnings of the lines, after payment of the 
dividend to the Preferences. How much, dear " Out- 
side Fools," do you think a City editor ought to have 
received who had the courage to speak thus to his 
readers, "Although it is a fact that Railroad Stocks are 
high, it is also very probable that the rise will continue, 
because of the strength of the speculators and the dearth 
of other channels of investment and the plethora of money. 
Legitimate bears, be careful, or you will be pickled in a 
pungent and unreasonable brine ! " 

Eogue as Erasmus Pinto is, he would have been 
proud to grasp the hand of a City editor whom his 
owners would have allowed to write such words 
as those. It is simply a question of strength on 
'Change. Money will do anything for a time, and as 
we club together and are aided by the wealthy specu- 
lators, you have no chance unless you go with the 
stream. Has it never struck you how frequently a 
rise or fall occurs quite suddenly, inaugurated by us, 
and how the papers never say, " Such and such an 
event is likely to happen;" but always say "has 



384 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

happened ;" and then use their knowledge of the 
combinations of words to give a plausible account of it. 
If ever they do prophesy, it is in the form of vague 
vaticination, which is always wrong. The ignorance 
or carelessness of City editors is wonderful. 

Now, as a legitimate bear got a pretty pickling 
all last year, and is very likely to turn bull this, we 
lay before him and all whom it may concern the 
following considerations, and it is not our fault that 
the book was not before our readers at an earlier 
date. The difficulties a bull has to face are these : — 

1. Traffics are diminishing. 

2. Coal and iron are at their lowest. 

3. Wages keep steadily increasing. 

4. The public temper hostile and unjust to the 
Kailways. 

5. No immediate prospect of improvement in 
trade. 

6. Further large amounts of capital required. 

7. The fact that Government ministers have been 
asked by members to bring in a bill for shortening 
the hours of pointsmen, signal-men, and engine 
drivers, and to improve the service generally. 

If only the jobbers parliamentary, directorial, and 
financial clubbed together and unfurled the banner, 
with " compulsory doubling of the lines " worked 
upon it, what would become of bulls who vainly tried 
to buy legitimately for the good of the community, 
and to oppose their puny common-sense against the 
powerful machinery of the protected bears ? Ah ! 
what indeed. 

Although we have the greatest confidence in the 
indestructibility of Eailway property, and although 
investors who do not mind a little temporary dimi- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 385 

nution of dividends will do well to stick to their 
holdings, and buy a little more when the storm 
looks very black, still we should fail in our duty if 
we did not warn you that an organized Railicay 
Scare might easily be got up, in which case you 
would be sure to sell at somewhere near the lowest 
price. The man who holds English Railway stock 
will, in a few years' time, be richer than the holder 
of a similar amount of any other class of security. 
But it is quite possible that some very severe fluctu- 
ations may occur before that time. The bull's great 
opportunity will be on the eve and during the com- 
mencement of the next revival of trade. There is 
usually a strong rally in Rails about Easter or Whit- 
suntide ; but it sometimes does not last, and this year, 
if it occur, it is very probable that it will not last. 

The passenger lines must not be classed with the 
great trunk lines. As permanent investments we 
decidedly prefer the latter; as present speculations 
we should select some of the former. That ever- 
increasing item of wages falls more heavily on the 
great trunk lines; the expense, too, of the block- 
system and increased number of sidings to relieve the 
goods traffic falls heavier upon them. The passenger 
lines, on the other hand, are less affected by depression 
in the trade of the country, and can accommodate 
the increase of traffic derived from a growing popu- 
lation without incurring much extra expense. Of 
course any remission of passenger tax would benefit 
them much more; but we do not believe that any 
remission worth anything will be made, except it be 
in the case of what may be termed the Omnibus 
Lines, viz., the Metropolitan and the District. Their 
case is certainly very hard. 

R 



386 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

There is one point in which the great trunk lines 
have a most decided advantage over the passenger 
lines, and that is, that an accident, however bad, does 
not affect their dividends in the same ratio. A loss 
of twenty or thirty thousand pounds in this way is a 
very serious thing to a line that only requires about 
that sum to pay one per cent, of dividend for the 
half-year ; but it makes little difference on lines that 
require from £130,000 to £310,000 to pay the same 
sum. Holders of Railway stock and speculators 
would do well to remember that, practically speak- 
ing, dividends are derived from maintenance charges 
— that is, the amount of dividend is increased or 
decreased according as the charges are low or high. 
Now when we see these charges very low, we do not, 
as you do, dear readers, feel bullish, and point with 
delight to that fact ; but knowing that it will soon be 
time for the ship to be sailed on the opposite tack, to 
save her from sinking, we take our cut off the loaf 
thankfully, and, with our tongue tucked in our cheek, 
we pass it on to the public bull, or sometimes we 
even sell a legitimate bear for the good of the " end 
of all commerce and the community." 

A speculator should remember this fact, that on 
'Change, when the event "gone for" has actually 
come off, there is generally a movement in the 
opposite direction from bears closing or bulls reali- 
zing. Many a novice has lost his profit from being 
ignorant of this fact. With regard to the idea 
that seems to be gaining ground that directors 
are exposed to too severe temptations, as according 
to the City editor of the Times we brokers are, you 
must exercise your own judgment, my dear " out- 
siders." We explain, or try to explain, the system ; 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 387 

we do riot attack men. We believe that one man is 
about as good as another in this respect all the world 
over. 



CHAPTEE LXXXIL 

A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF A STOCK THAT HAS LATELY 
BEEN THE JOY AND GRIEF OF THE SPECULATOR 
BY MACHINERY AND THE RUIN OF THE SPECULATOR 
WITHOUT. 

Egyptian 1873. 

A stock sui generis is this, containing many hidden 
qualities and virtues. It should be the true gam- 
bler's delight, and has afforded even the bond fide 
investor the luxury of grief. A stock that must 
have sadly interfered with the doctor's melancholic 
patients ; for has it not proved itself a narcotic, a 
tonic, a purgative, a diaphoretic, a stimulant, a noble 
searcher of the secretions, compared with which 
scammony and blue-pill are but as dirt, podophyllin 
and the world-famed Flatus-pills as dross ? Have we 
not seen red men turn pale and pale men turn red 
with the blush of excitement, through the magic 
influence of this glorious stock ? We have — yes, 
nearly every day. ^No " Inside Ass " this stock would 
dare to class. That's why we place it by itself. Its 
present and future value depends more upon parlia- 
mentary policy and the financiers' names that may 
endorse it than upon its intrinsic merits, which are 
as difficult to get at as a hedgehog is for a lady's 
poodle to unroll. 

The present condition of Egyptian credit resem- 



388 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

bles that of a man who has gone down twice in deep 
water, and whom, just as he is sinking for the last 
time, a boat, arriving like a Deus ex machina, unex- 
pectedly saves from a watery grave. Perfidious 
Albion was the boat ; she rowed along the Suez Canal 
to save the drowning man. In such a hurry was 
perfidious Albion that, instead of rowing steadily in 
her true lifeboat, she must engage the services of 
Jewish boatmen at enormous cost to save the drown- 
ing man, although her coffers were all gorged with 
her perfidious sons' deposits, that could not have been 
employed more profitably. 

How very odd it seems that the Bank of England 
could not have kept the secret as well as a financier, 
or as well as it was kept that afternoon until all had 
bought who ought to be allowed to buy. This surely 
proves that the bank's powers should be made a little 
flexible to suit the case. 

Mr. Cave's report, we are told, implies that there 
is enough to pay seven per cent, on the Bonds, and 
that there is no necessity for the investors to lose 
anything. We are very glad to hear it. Of course 
Mr. Cave had access to all documents without 
reserve. He did not meet with any opposition in 
an attempt to probe the matter to the bottom. It 
was of course every one's interest to make things as 
smooth as possible for him. Well, it may be so, 
but it is very unlikely. The whole question, to our 
mind, with regard to Egypt lies in a nutshell. It 
is pleasant to hear that seven per cent, can now be 
paid on all Bonds ; but more is required than that 
before investors are to be allowed to be again narco- 
tized by the influence of a great financial name, 
which will undoubtedly be sought for soon to float 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 389 

another loan. Tt does not matter what the state of 
Egypt is; if once the name be got, the loan will 
be subscribed. What we think ought to be done is 
this. The entire floating debt funded and made 
known. There lies the element of danger, there is 
the usurer's delight, the Khedive's insecurity. What 
we want to know is, what chance has the Khedive 
of freeing himself from the army of usurious sharks 
who are daily entangling him more and more in 
the meshes of the Treasury Bills-Eenewing Net? 
It is the direct interest of all concerned that he 
should not free himself. The French won't help 
him. The chances are that, wanting money for his 
personal expenditure and for his hobby-horse in- 
dustrial enterprise, he will talk loudly of retrench- 
ment, struggle nobly perhaps, as does a horse on 
asphalte pavement when he falls, to rise, and ulti- 
mately relapse into the usurer's bottomless morass. 
If he would do away with all drawings, and offer 
to pay 5 per cent, interest, and pay off the floating 
debt with the surplus, supposing he be able to 
pay 7 per cent., investors would be in a far 
safer position, and we on 'Change should recom- 
mend the stock with confidence. The four millions 
received for the Suez Canal shares will soon be 
spent if war with Abyssinia be not stopped. It is 
a pity, for the Khedive is, for an Oriental, an en- 
lightened and liberal-minded man ; but he is very 
human, and he cannot fight against the juggles of 
finance any better than investors can at home. 
But if the Khedive be wise, he will not quarrel 
with that very straightforward and energetic king, 
Johannes, and his tame lionesses. Money has not 
yet sapped the courage and strength of his people. 



390 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Lei nim wait until Abyssinia has had a Foreign 
loan floated here. Even the money to corrupt the 
frontier governors and the Remington Rifles were 
captured by this strong, determined king of Abys- 
sinia in the G-undet narrows. A man who fasts 
and takes the Sacrament before he swoops upon his 
foes reminds one more of an old Jewish king, and 
surely is more than a match for soldiers who have 
seen so much of money's baneful influence. Besides, 
the Khedive certainly was in the wrong, and badly 
advised. He should give up his industrial enter- 
prise for a time, and incur no fresh floating debt. 
Personally, the Khedive is quick-witted, and re- 
minds one more of a French financier than an 
Oriental potentate. The dexterity with which he 
seized the idea of joining England as a friend of 
slaves and negroes, and posing before future possible 
investors in a fresh light, was amusing and instruc- 
tive. No one will deny the great natural resources 
of the country ; but, in the Khedive's own words, the 
people have been explodes, and are still exposed to 
exploitation. u Pressure," he goes on to say, " is 
always brought to bear upon me when I try to rescue 
my country from this embarrassment. The French 
usurers offered me money the other day at 22 per 
cent. Of course I refused. By consolidating all 
my state and floating debts at a reasonable per- 
centage I could balance my income and expendi- 
ture without injuring any one, and should no longer . 
need to borrow money upon extravagant and 
ruinous terms, which sooner or later must lead to 
national bankruptcy." 

The above are not our words, dear readers, they 
are the Khedive's own, transmitted by a special cor- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 391 

respondent to our agent's office, and to our mind 
they seem eminently true and sensible. In dealing 
in Egyptian stocks the great hidden force, or " un- 
known quantity," that speculators and investors 
have to contend against is the floating debt. It was 
just the same with the Turkish mandats. No one but 
the very biggest men who had just made an advance 
knew how much they came to, and so the calculators 
of the debt, although their inferences were right 
enough, had never any premises that could be safely 
trusted to. Mr. Cave's report will do no good at all 
unless our Government is prepared to go still further, 
and it already begins to see that it has gone quite far 
enough in stock-jobbing transactions, if it does not 
want to have the keen-sighted Liberal discover awk- 
ward flaws. The position of Kgypt, speaking finan- 
cially, will be just the same as it was before Mr. 
Cave's report. No doubt the Elliot project was de- 
feated quite as much by French jealousy as by want 
of time to arrange with capitalists in England. We 
can well believe that Mr. Cave knows the financial 
condition of Egypt as well as the Khedive himself; 
but that some Egyptian officials and Levantine usu- 
rers do not know the condition better than both the 
Khedive and Mr. Cave, we do not believe. The 
Khedive has another great difficulty to face besides 
that with the usurers, viz., that he cannot control 
the collection and expenditure of his revenues pro- 
perly, or retrench in the way that is absolutely neces- 
sary, without making concessions to constitutional 
principles of government. If as he ought to do, as 
far as the financial welfare of his country is concerned, 
he surrender the direction of his financial affairs to 
English or French officials, he must lose a portion of 



392 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

his personal and supreme authority. Humiliation, 
even when only apparent, is anything but pleasant 
to the Oriental mind. Indeed, it is scarcely politic 
to submit to it. Surrounded, as Ismail is, by insinua- 
ting flatterers, who ever tell him blandly that Egypt's 
wealth is inexhaustible, and knowing, as he does, 
that many an English investor believes the same ; 
continually urged, as he is, by the seductive wiles of 
usury to issue loan after loan privately, and never 
mind the terms or interest, he would be more than 
human did he not succumb at last. 

There is one point speculators will do well not to 
forget. The island of Candia is at the present 
moment ready for revolt. Its foreign instigators 
and protectors have but to give the word. At two 
or three days' notice its population would rise in 
arms. The Turkish Empire is the seat of future 
strife. The Sultan will more likely die fighting 
for his kingdom than submit to the tinkering of 
jealous foreign powers. These powers know that 
if the Turk but has his opium cut off for a short 
time he can fight with the best of them, for he is a 
fatalist. Your Christian gentleman don't make so 
good a soldier as a fatalist. He thinks too much of 
life. These Turks and Russians are automata, and 
now that " villainous saltpetre hath been so long digged 
from the bowels of the harmless earth" — there are more 
than you might suppose — who could declare with 
truth " but for these vile guns, I had been myself a 
soldier." 

The Khedive's birthday was on the 18th of last 
January, and at the theatre the Russian Envoy was 
engaged in close conversation with the Khedive in 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 393 

his box. He sympathizes more with France, and 
would be glad to see the British influence stop where 
it is. 

The best thing under the circumstances would 
seem to be for the Khedive to hand over to an Inter- 
national Commission, after a National Bank has been 
established for the purpose of receiving and account- 
ing for the funds, sufficient revenue to meet the 
interest agreed upon, and to leave the proceeds of the 
railways, which could be much increased if properly 
directed by Western agents, for the holders of the 
Bonds of 1873. The net revenue of the railways might 
be calculated at £750,000. The debt of the country 
is about £58,000,000, at the least. The floating debt 
we should guess to be nearly twenty millions, but it 
may be five millions out. It can but be a guess. 
What is wanted is to hoodwink the investor by one 
of the thousand tricks that La Haute Finance has at 
its command, so that these treasury bills may be duly 
met, and the same little game of usury played with 
the same success. 

We are again pleased to notice, amid the venality 
and scurrility that has seized upon the financial 
columns of the press, that the Economist can still 
keep a clear head and proper notions of honesty. 
Thirteen years ago, Ismail Pacha succeeded his 
Uncle Said. The debt was then three millions. It 
is now nearly sixty millions. A good deal of the 
Khedive's money is locked up in unproductive works. 
The service of the debt is £7,500,000, and the revenue 
about £9,300,000. Capitalists, and schemers, whose 
only capital was their stock of impudence, flocked to 
Egypt after the arrival of Mr. Cave, and as all sorts 
of projects have flitted through the brains of these 

R* 



394 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS 

philanthropic gentlemen for the financial regeneration 
of the country, we will give them a valuable sugges- 
tion. 

At present the Egyptians throw the Nile into the 
sea. Why is this ? A grand industrial enterprise 
might surely be floated under the auspices of La 
Haute Finance, for the purpose of diverting the almost 
solid wealth of that wonderful river from its channel 
into dykes to intersect the country, and render it in- 
dependent of the variable inundations. The fructify- 
ing deposit is wasted as it is. Any financier who is 
struck with the brilliant possibilities of this idea 
may communicate with Erasmus Pinto by advertise- 
ment in the Agony Column of the Times, on or after 
April 1st. Now, my dear " outsiders," do be sensible. 
Whatever Mr. Cave's mission may effect, Englishmen 
cannot restrain the personal expenditure of an Orien- 
tal despot. We cannot collect the taxes from the 
Fellahs. We cannot impose or remit the dues on 
Foreign goods. The purchase of the Suez Canal 
shares really means this, and nothing more — that 
England has purchased a virtual control over the short 
cut to India for the passage of her troops if necessary. 

But a speculator must not forget that a country 
may compound with its Foreign creditors, and yet 
not be convulsed by political anarchy. And such 
a contingency is more to be regarded by our Govern- 
ment than the financial question, which, though it 
may bring profit to the magnates of finance, will 
never bring credit to our Parliament. At the very 
first attempt to move in the matter the country has 
had to pay £100,000 commission on a loan of four 
millions, and many reflecting men feel that we have 
been outwitted by French financiers' finesse, which 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 395 

only drew England on to get mone} r to meet their 
bills then falling due. The purchase of the Canal 
shares is in itself an excellent thing, only the 
Government ought not to delay Mr. Cave's report, 
when the pith of it might have been made known 
long ago. Stock-jobbing should be discouraged not 
encouraged. 

If any one had been at Cairo about January the 
21st of this year, he might have seen some very 
lively sparring between the men of money and 
device. The representatives of the rival groups of 
financiers did not let the telegraph cables have much 
rest. 

If Mr. Cave had not been there at all we believe 
that something further might have been done. Two 
things soon became quite clear to him. One was 
that the floating debt was much larger than any one 
had supposed, and that an immediate loan of from 
fifteen to twenty millions was necessary to grapple 
successfully with that. Of course he had no power 
to hold out hopes of England lending Egypt that sum 
on a mere promise to reform. Another point was 
equally clear to Mr. Cave, viz., that the country was 
substantially solvent. Just as young men are helped 
on to ruin by sharks who lend them money at 
140 per cent., so is the Khedive being brought to- . 
bankruptcy, not by his country's insolvency or 
poverty, but by his inability to stay the ever-growing 
floating debt, the Eldorado of the usurers. If ever 
money can be justly called the " root of all evil," it 
can when it is in the hands of men who never do an 
honest day's work all through their lives, but trade 
on human weakness, misery, and necessity. 

When, then, the solvency of the country was now 



396 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

clear, the Alexandrine and Levantine army of philan- 
thropists turned eager eyes again upon the Viceroy 
in need. 

Sir George Elliot who is no financier, in a City 
sense, but an upright man, who really did in this 
case think there was another end to all commerce 
besides individual gain, is a man of large fortune. 
He has been connected with the docks at Alexandria 
and other public works for a long time. He believed 
he could command some of our great banking houses' 
influence. They thought that our Government meant 
more than it did. Each party overrated the other's 
influence. His plan was to raise a large loan in 
London for the purpose of converting the whole 
debt of the country into a uniform debt called 
Egyptian Consols. The bondholders were to be 
asked to accept a reduction of interest, and probably 
the suppression of drawings, to compensate for the 
increased security for the payment of the interest. 
For this purpose a commission was to have been 
appointed composed of nominees of England and 
Egypt, with the chief control vested in the hands 
of an English president. This was the right and 
only sensible plan ; but if right could win its battles 
in this world so easily, the devil would soon have 
to migrate to another. The native financial agents 
raised the cry that u annexation " was our little game. 
They vowed that General Stanton and Mr. Cave were 
secretly abetting that idea. Of course neither of 
these gentlemen were doing anything of the kind. 
However it may be, the jealousy not only of the 
native officials but of the French was aroused by this 
cleverly-jDlanned hue-and-cry. M. Outrey, who, 
although his manner is decidedly dictatorial, is a 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 397 

very able diplomatist, strenuously opposed the Elliot 
scheme. He " threatened " to propose an interna- 
tional commission and declare that the plan was 
tantamount to placing Egypt at the mercy of Eng- 
land. It frightened the Khedive. Then came the 
Franco-Levantine confederates' scheme, and as it 
was based upon a lower view of Egyptian and 
financiers' honesty, it was listened to with eagerness. 
Their plan is something like this. To establish a 
state Bank, with power of issue, to receive all income 
and pay all outgoings of the Government. To be 
allowed to charge J per cent, commission on all trans 
actions. The Bank to be governed by a board elected 
by the shareholders. " The President and two Vice- 
Presidents to be Frenchmen, Englishmen, or Italians. 
The Khedive to bind himself by special decree to 
issue no more Bonds. In return for this concession 
the Bank is to advance by degrees or at once about 
sixteen millions, to exchange the floating debt for 
Bonds, at a commission of 7 per cent. Ten per cent, 
of the projected loan is to be paid off yearly until it 
be completely discharged. The Khedive to be allowed 
a private account at the Bank, and to overdraw to 
the extent of two millions. The Bank to publish 
fortnightly statements of ail receipts and payments. 

Oh ! how much more accurately the Franco-Levan- 
tine party understood the human weakness mixed 
up in the whole affair ! How tenderly each big wig's 
EGO was dealt with. 

But it was nervous work for the competitors to 
get this concession safely signed. Money down was 
wanted by the Khedive. Each party had to bid as 
low as possible and yet outbid the rival bid. Each 
party was obliged to throw a sprat to catch a herring, 
with a chance of losing sprat and getting nothing back. 
/ 



398 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Each bidder tried to get as good security for his 
advance as possible. I wish you could have seen the 
way the Khedive and his agents played off one against 
the other. You never would have wanted to go to a 
theatre for six months. It was the greatest comedy 
— a human comedy in real life. From day to day 
the astute Ismail played with his financing fish till 
Saturday, Feb. 12th. , when the fish came to the scale. 
The Franco-Levantine fish weighed heavier through 
having coin to stick into the mouth of their fish at 
hand ; while the English promises, though good, 
weighed lighter in the scale. So about five minutes 
to eleven the agreement was signed. It was pretty 
work, and very interesting to behold. Ismail Pacha 
is now 45 years old, and very stout, and generally 
dressed in plain unornamented black. He looks as 
like a Frenchman as an Egyptian. 

What puzzled us the most was that outre policy 
of France. Why that high-handed dictatorial advice ? 
It seemed so very like a mere caprice, or a desire of 
jealousy to administer a snub to British waxing 
influence. If so, it was a pity. Englishmen are 
friends of France, whatever injured amour propre may 
say of perfide Albion. 

Now, my dear " outsiders," you see what sort of 
a stock you have to deal with, or if you don't I will 
just give you a brief recapitulation of the pros and 
cons. 

Summary of the Commercial, Political, and Social 
Advantages possessed by Egypt. 

1. A climate and soil of almost unrivalled excel- 
lence. The air would be perfect were it not that 
those who breathe it long find themselves possessed 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 399 

with an automatic inclination for fiction, and a 
loathing of cold truth that cannot be described by 
those who have not resided at Cairo or Alexandria. 

2. Egypt is not like Spain or Turkey. She is free 
from intestine trouble. There are no antagonistic 
religious creeds that know what Odium Theologicum 
means. Oh ! happy country ! Copt and Mahometan 
live there in harmony. Christians and Mussulmen 
hold office indiscriminately there. . No powerful 
landowing interest opposes progress for its self- 
ish sake. The only social classes are the Eeign- 
ing Family and the Fellaheen. The fierce appeal 
of mad fanatics to unfurl the banners of Islam in 
a warlike sense would meet with slight response 
in Egypt now. 

3. The political safety of Egypt is considerable. 
She is protected by the desert and the sea from 
troublesome neighbors. Her only danger is on 
the side of Turkey, or from Abyssinia. Mutual 
jealousy will keep foreigners from interfering without 
unusual cause. The Turkish rule is more likely to 
decline than increase. And this will allow the army 
to be still more reduced, and the soldiers to be 
employed on agricultural purposes. 

4. The present dynasty is energetic and intelligent, 
whatever Oriental defects it may possess, and 
Prince Tewfik, the heir presumptive to the throne, 
is well educated, and considered to possess his father's 
abilities. 

5. All traffic between Europe and India will now 
pass through Egypt. The. Suez Canal has secured 
this advantage. The railway system of Middle and 
Lower Egypt is progressing fast. The value of the 
cotton exported last year was nine millions sterling. 



400 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

The trade of Central Africa passes along the Nile in 
its passage to the outer world. A farther develop- 
ment of trade with Syria and Arabia may be con- 
fidently looked for. Egypt may be considered a 
great commercial Exchange between the Eastern and 
the Western- world, the emporium of Central Africa 
with Alexandria, a great trading harbor of the whole 
Levant and Cairo, an improving town, that will soon 
vie in luxury and outward civilization with many a 
Western city of much larger size. 

6. Unskilled and agricultural labor can be per- 
formed as efficiently by the Fellahs as by English 
workmen. 

Estimate of Revenue. 





£ 


Land Tax 


. 5,800,000 


Railways 


. 1,000,000 


Customs 


. 600,000 


Salt and Tobacco 


. 560,000 


Dates . 


. 180,000 



Provincial Municipal Dues, Sheep Tax, 

Dues on Locks, Fish Sales, etc. . 1,850,000 
Licenses 400,000 



10,390,000 

Disadvantages of Egypt. 

1 . The great amount of unproductive capital lock- 
ed up in such works as the Great Water Canal in the 
Nile Valley, to irrigate portions of the country not 
periodically inundated by the river, the Suez Canal 
itself, the docks at Alexandria, the various railways, 
of which the Soudan is the most expensive. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 401 

2. The fact that an Oriental Court and expensive 
style of living are an absolute necessity, and that the 
harems continue to entail a great deal of unprofitable 
expense. 

3. The likelihood of a disagreeable dispute arising 
between Egypt and Turkey about the tribute loans of 
1854 and 1871. 

4. The want of labor. Could not the " Heathen 
Chinee " be induced to become a commercial advan- 
tage to Egypt. A Chinaman works as hard and lives 
on as little as most other men. Both the mendacious 
atmosphere and the sort of living would just suit the 
" Heathen Chinee." 

5. The great expanse of desert. This might be 
brought under cultivation with proper irrigation. 

. Financiers, turn your inventive genius to that waste- 
ful Kile. 

6. The great scarcity of mid wives and Infant 
Soothers. The Oriental babies die by thousands, like 
young turkeys not attended to at first. Now, Mrs. 
Crawshay, draw the Lady Helps' attention to this 
interesting fact. Under-population is the curse of 
Egypt, just as over-population is of England. Here 
you have a splendid field. 

7. The fact that the Levantine usurers induce the 
Khedive to speculate upon the Stock Exchange, and 
that last year the English investing goose, that 
seemed an everlasting layer of golden eggs, is 
wearied out and .nearly dead ; and that when men 
who occupy a position where they can move the 
market, as the Khedive can, they seldom can resist 
the seductive interest of Bigs and Wrecks. I'll bet 
you a new hat, dear " Outside Fools," that the 



402 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

Egyptian despot knows more than you do about 
Stock Exchange machinery.* 

Estimate of the Annual Expenditure of Egypt. 

£ 
Kissing of Turkish Hands, etc., etc. . 800,000 
Civil List of Khedive and Family . 400,000 

Public Works 600,000 

Army and Navy and Expeditions . 1,000,000 
Expense of Administration . . 1,160,000 

Interest on Debt and Sinking Fund . 6,400,000 



10,360,000 



So that according to these figures the revenue is 
about equal to the present expenditure. But we 
probably do not know all the truth. If Parliament 
would take a humble broker's advice, it would resist 
the seductive hopes of safe speculation held out by 
the appointment of an English director to the 
National Bank that is projected, and would take up 
an honest and dignified position by holding entirely 
aloof from this fresh raid upon investors' pockets. 

By so doing they would also return the snub given 
by French financiers to British influence. 



* If the new system be not carried out, which, in the above 
estimate of disadvantages, we assume will be, there must be 
added this worst of ail disadvantages, viz., that at present it 
requires nearly one million and a half every month to keep 
the financial sharks from attacking a vital part. A mass of 
bills are ever falling due, which must be met, and wonderful 
will be the system which can cope successfully with Oriental 
love of fiction and of usury. We shall soon see ; but be 
careful of the few poor eggs you still may lay, poor weak, ex- 
hausted goose. They're going to try and make you lay once 
more. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 403 

Such a course would undoubtedly conduce to com- 
mercial morality. Unless the English Government 
be identified in some way or other with the business, 
investors will not be caught. The astute Parisians 
are already beginning to see that. Let them fail to 
float their loan, and then come to England for advice 
and assistance. (If perfidious, stupid England's 
money-bags do not entitle her to that deference from 
Franco-Levantine usurers, she must indeed be 
besotted to let herself be plundered first and then 
called " stupid fool.") In that event, let our Govern- 
ment stipulate for effective guarantees, a reduction 
of the interest to 6 per cent, at least, and the total 
suppression of the drawings. The bond fide investor 
would never miss a drawing from which it is so 
very unlikely that he will derive any profit. Poor 
ill-used soul, he would be very pleased if he could 
think his 6 per cent, was nearly safe. The Khedive 
is indeed a clever man. Just have a talk with him. 
and you will find that you never know whether his 
language be the language of diplomacy, or whether 
it be that of one who shows you his real heart. He 
has learnt something at that desk at which he spends 
so large a portion of his time. But our Government 
should clearly know what is proposed to them. In 
plain English it is this. To indirectly help the 
financiers and bankers of Egypt and the Levant to 
get their advances repaid out of fresh money drawn 
from the investor, and called, if you like, a funded 
loan. It matters not what the term may be. That 
is what is meant, and we think it augurs rather ill 
for foreigners' estimate of England's honesty of 
Government, to say nothing of commercial morality, 
for no doubt, as the City editor of the Times has 



404 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

clearly and coldly stated, " The end of all commerce is 
individual gain." Bat surely the Government of the 
country is not going to join the universal gamble 
and stock-jobbing that is all the fashion now. The 
Conservatives should know that money is the root of 
all evil, and if they be not careful that evil will take 
a tangible form which will cost them their seats. 
They are on very slippery ground just now, and 
have already tripped too much. It is surely un- 
wise to allow bits of Mr. Cave's report to keep 
oozing out from day to day, and to be made a handle 
for the wealthy gamblers in Egyptian stocks, when 
long ago the pith of the report might have completely 
staj r ed such questionable games. And surely when 
it is shown how the country is solvent in itself, a 
caution from those in power will be given to the 
plundered Englishman, that if he lends his money, 
the old plan of short-dated bills and secret floating 
debt may soon be started by the usurers again. 

The Khedive is indeed a clever man. Although he 
has accepted the French offer, he well knows that 
England's influence is wanted much to float the loan. 
In France there are few clergymen and few pro- 
fessional men who have not studied money far too 
well to be caught in anything so dangerous as Foreign 
loans. They buy their own. 

Now, for fear you should in these remarks, dear 
readers, think you see an undertone that plainly leans 
one way, we will speak plainer still. Do nothing 
till you see if Paris can unaided float the loan. You 
may buy yourselves a trifle if it can. But you would 
not take our advice if you did anything just now. ]STo 
doubt the chances are they will make some slight rise 
to dazzle the investing mind. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 405 

I wish, if any of you should be lucky enough to 
meet with a young jobber or broker who is anxious 
to take 2 per cent, for the put and call of Egyptian 
'73 for a month on, from the date when you find him, 
you would kindly communicate with Erasmus Pinto ? 
through the Agony Column, not of the Misleading Age, 
but of the Times, the leading journal of the age. 
Erasmus Pinto will give you a trifle if you find him 
a safe man to take the coin, and sign a contract 
according to our rules. 

Now if your speculative itching will not let you 
wait, and there are many cases where it won't, just 
buy a very little stock, watch it, nurse it, play with 
it as dogs play with a bone. And if it drop, say two 
or three per -cent., repeat the dose. But for goodness' 
• sake divide the contents of your medicine bottle into 
at least eight or ten doses, or the medicine may kill 
you instead of curing the itch. 

In conclusion, don't forget one fact, which is just 
now of more importance than any other financial 
fact. More than one hundred millions of money has 
been lost by investors in Foreign loans, which has 
not gone into the pockets of other investors or specu- 
lators, but has simply vanished. There is, therefore, 
all that buying power less, and as the speculators 
have been busily turning out the stocks pawned with 
the banks, all things, both good and bad, are coming 
down with a run. We brokers are finding out the 
ugly fact that the goose is laying nothing now. And 
so it must be dog eat dog, until at least the puppies 
are all eaten up. By that time I feel sure that busi- 
ness will have quite revived. 

Till then, ye speculative roach, try not the early 
worm. What a nice gay month was January last 



406 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

for all those speculators in Egyptian Bonds whom 
the previous twenty per cent, bear panic left with a 
skin still on. Well-conducted journals were in splen- 
did form. Exciting telegrams were plenty at the news 
rooms and exchanges where the " Outside Fools " do 
congregate, which telegrams were promply contra- 
dicted when they had worked out their end. 

" The Austrian Iroops are mobilized." These words 
scared out unnumbered bulls and 'ticed in many bears. 
" It is a lie.' 7 These words next day made bears close 
and bulls buy again. 

" Nubar Pasha has resigned. Oh, dread calamity ! " 
These words made men sell Egypts by fifty thousand 
at a time, and by twenty thousand in the streets. 

" Terrible discovery of over issue of Treasury Bonds." 
This rumor drove the bulls insane, and almost 
strangled some large bears with laughing at their 
luck. 

" Quarrel between the Bight Honorable Stephen Cave 
and the Khedive of Egypt." This statement brought 
in still more bears who had a pickling the next day, 
when out came, " 'Tis a lie." 

Ursa Major, who had been a bull just for a little 
space in the best of company, was Ursa Major once 
again, and made the spirits of the bulls most fearfully 
depressed. 

The house put up the stock to spite and try to 
pickle Ursa Major, but in vain. Still some bulls 
bellowed with delight. 

The mention of the Elliot Loan and National bank 
made bears' heads very sore, Ursa Major still held on. 

A little less excitement after this. I do assure you, 
my dear " Outside Fools," both bulls and bears had 
one of the prettiest speculative jaunts in January that 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 407 

any mind that craved for mystery or excitement could 
wish to have. The highest price touched was 70J, on 
Jan. 3rd, and the lowest price 61, on the 11th. 

But surely the Conservatives will look upon that 
Burials Bill with careful eyes. A poor majority of 
thirty-one, when whip and spur had been so freely 
used, and pressing circulars sent out, and when the 
House was full, is very, very like defeat. Once let 
the Liberals get hold of a financial muddle, which 
Egyptian usurers seem anxious to sujyply, and the odd 
trick is theirs. Look here, dear readers. There is 
voting by machinery and speculating by machinery 
(is it not, odd?), and it looks almost as if burying 
would have to be done by machinery. If a dead man 
could but come to life and see how important he is, 
would he not be surprised. And should not we, too, 
be surprised if we but knew how many voted against 
the bill from party-feeling, not from consciousness of 
being in the right? 

Yes, man is a fighting animal and nowhere more 
than when in Parliament. 



OUTSIDE CRITICISM. 

" The end of all commerce is individual gain." So 
says the present City editor of the Times in his work 
on " Speculation,'' which many of us brokers and 
jobbers have read with attention, especially the chap- 
ter on " The Selfishness and Hard-heartedness of the 
Professional Speculator,'" although that chapter does 
not give you much comfort, dear " Outside Fools." 
But how is it that, although this gentleman 



408 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

is . eloquent enough about the danger of listen- 
ing to advice from brokers, and taking " tips " 
qualified or unqualified, and although there are signs 
in the 136 pages of his work of a decidedly pessi- 
mistic view of human nature, and although there is 
a whole chapter devoted to the Pitfalls and Ridden 
Forces opposed to the Speculator, nothing is said about 
the greatest of all dangers, viz., interested advice 
given through the medium of the Money Articles and 
in other ways? Does not the City editor of the 
Times know that this is the one Hidden Force of all 
others of which the least hard-hearted and selfish, 
the best educated and the most gentlemanly specu- 
lators and investors have absolutely no idea. Plenty 
of us 'brokers could tell the City editor of the Times 
of hundreds of clergymen and professional men, 
some speculaters and others investors, who lost 
nearly all they had through the implicit reliance they 
placed upon their paper and its financial advice. Oh 
well he says, Ci The end of all commerce is individual 
gain. People engaged in commerce in all its multifarious 
ramifications care only for themselves and for no other 
single soul." Were this not so terribly true, those 
commercial speculations, in the truest and fullest 
sense of the words, the Money Columns and financial 
articles in the newspapers would not only be wise 
after the event, but would say to the " foolish 
outsider" for which term I am indebted to the 
City editor of the Times, il Beware, there are sharks 
about. You will tumble headlong down a precipice 
there, not through your own folly, but through your 
ignorance and the idea that we should tell you if 
anything were very wrong." 

Were it not so fatally true that unless one be a 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 409 

"foolish outsider " one must not take financial advice 
either in a newspaper or out of it, there would not 
have been that cynical indifference manifested by 
City editors at the mysterious jugglery of La Haute 
Finance, through which so many millions of " foolish 
outsiders" have been made poorer, if not wiser, by 
the gigantic issues of foreign I O U's. 

The capitalists' great names which floated these 
Foreign loans, these devouring abysses of a nation of 
" foolish outsiders'" saving, have worked far more 
mischief than the advice of brokers, against which 
the City editor of the Times cautions the "foolish 
outsider" 

Yes, we confess that we are disappointed not to 
have met with a chapter on " The Tender-heartedness 
of the Professional City Editor," and a refutation or 
corroboration of the assertion made by another 
author of a work on "Speculation," who, not being 
a tender-hearted City editor, thus sj>eaks of the 
Hidden Dangers of the Money Articles. He says, — 

" Many place the most implicit reliance on their state- 
ments. Few, however, are acquainted with the fact that 
there are those intimately connected with the Press who 
are great speculators in railway shares, etc. The ' lead- 
ing' articles are couched in language intended only to 
mislead, and that which appears to convey ' bond fide ' 
information is only meant to serve the purpose of some 
interested parties. They venture on prophetic rumors 
of peace or war. And the power of the Press in this 
respect is enormous," etc. 

Now it is obvious that either the author of the 
work Ave quote from, who professes to have had 
large experience, must be quite in error, or else that 
the City editer of the Times, who says in the opening 



410 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

lines of his book on " Speculation," ll Our object is to 
show people how improbable it is that they will be able to 
speculate successfully" and who has a chapter on Pit- 
falls, has certainly made a most grave omission in 
not drawing his readers' attention to this deepest and 
most treacherous of all speculators' and investors' 
pitfalls. 

The daily telegrams published by " well-conducted 
papers" — term, alas, too vague and general — the 
ei growling despatches" of foreign potentates' under- 
strappers, dear foolish " outsiders," are only part of 
the machinery of powerful continental speculators 
often working in league with home operators, through 
whose ominous vaticinations you lose your money, 
and we undeservedly get the blame. 

Are the Money Columns of the well-conducted 
papers to be looked upon as threepenny or penny 
diurnal trustworthy advisers, or are they not? Hear 
what the same gentleman says of Successful Diploma- 
tists, who of course have no telegrams or growling 
despatches to insert in the well-conducted journals. 

He says : — 

" Successful Diplomatists in all times, with few excep- 
tions, have been men who have never scrupled to resort 
to finessing, chicanery, and the ' ruse de guerre' in every 
form, under cover of a saintly innocence that would 
shame the devil" 

Oh, Hard-hearted and Selfish Diplomatists! Oh! 
noble-hearted and disinterested City editors, to resist 
the temptations of that saintly innocence that shames 
the devil ! 

Again he remarks with regard to Erasmus Pinto 
and his brothers that, — 

" It is idle to put any other construction upon a broker's 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 411 

advice than that it is to serve directly or indirectly the 
'purpose of him who recommends" 

Then what about the u foolish outsiders'' 1 estimate 
of the City editor's advice? For the sake of charity 
let its value be clearly understood. This gentleman 
is so interested in us that he says, " Brokers should not 
be exposed to such temptation." 

We retort that, except in the case of the City 
editor of the Times, whose greatest pleasure is no 
doubt to resist temptation, neither should City editors 
be so exposed. 

Did not the strong man fail to resist the charms 
of that siren Money? Yes, and there are many no 
better than he. 

Well, as we have said, we have read the City editor 
of the Times' book, addressed to the " foolish out- 
sider," and as he seems to dislike " Outside Criticism" 
we offer him a few ll Inside" and impartial critical 
remarks. The book on " Speculation" is evidently 
written by a cool-headed shrewd person, who tho- 
roughly understands the value of " keeping his own 
counsel" the lt folly of foolish outsiders" and the true 
character of Brokers and Jobbers, who has a consider- 
able respect for aggregated capital, and whose specu- 
lative proclivities, if he had any, would be decidedly 
" bearish." 

But we do not think that the gentleman should 
have been hard-hearted to us brokers, and so soft- 
hearted to the great ones of finance, and so afraid 
of including in his chapter on Pitfalls that barathrum 
which so few "foolish outsiders" fathom till they 
have lost their all. 

Even though he can so clearly perceive that " the 
number of really sound Brokers who have a steady legiti- 



412 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

mate business, upon which pure speculation is an excres- 
cence not particularly encouraged or liked, is small 
compared with the entire body, and that by far the 
greater number depend very much for their means of 
support upon purely speculative time-bargains" he 
need not have indirectly told the " foolish outsiders" 
that they are much less likely to lose by " bearing " 
than by " bulling." It is one thing to bear when you 
know much more than the ordinary speculator about 
what the great men are about, and another when you 
are a " foolish outsider." All bears that Erasmus 
Pinto has known to have made money have been 
persons whose position gave them superior informa- 
tion. Otherwise their bear speculations would have 
ended as foolishly as those of the u foolish outsider," 

We cannot conclude without quoting a paragraph 
that occurs in some extraneous matter appended to 
the 136 pages which constitute the work on " Specu- 
lation/' — 

" Could there be anything more highly eloquent of 
the sound management of the banks in the City, 
of the prudent caution shown by the large lending 
establishments, of the unruffled attitude of the A 1 
mercantile houses, to whom 10 per cent, for a month 
is occasionally more a subject for rejoicing than any- 
thing else, as it clips the wings of reckless traders, 
than the fact that such ' agony and disaster' left the 
City still in the most flourishing possible condition, 
where, very shortly after, some large Foreign loans 
were covered immediately several times over ? " 

You have been well vindicated, Mr. Bonamy Price, 
since that was penned. 

The prudent caution of the A 1 banks has been 
indeed commendable, when the loss from such cau- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 413 

tion on the part of one banking institution alone was 
not far short of a million sterling, for the half year. 
Of course the person, not the system, is to blame. 
That's how the progress of education is checked. 
We are horrified when a Collie oversteps the line, 
and pretend that we had no idea such persons could 
be found. What snug hypocrisy, and miserable 
cant. There are hundreds of Collies walking about 
daily rmdiscovered. 

But to return. No doubt a ten per cent, rate is 
not much to those who aid materially, by their man- 
ipulation of " Other Securities" and " Other Depos- 
its," the high rate requisite to enable them to buy 
good things cheap or close their bears of stocks that 
won't go down by ordinary means, and not until the 
reckless traders have been all cleared out. If the 
City is to be thought prosperous, " where, shortly 
after, some large Foreign loans were covered im- 
mediately several times over," how about the unhappy 
country-flies' prosperity that the City-spiders in- 
duced to rush into their treacherous webs, 
those Foreign loans ? How diametrically opposed 
the prosperity of the City seems to be to that of the 
country! Well, well, I was born to be a poor devil 
of a broker, whose advice must not be taken. Would 
to heaven I had been lucky enough to have been a 
City editor ! Would I not have shown the " foolish 
outsiders " a thing or two in hard-hearted and sel- 
fish " bearing ? " Ay, indeed, I would ! 

But we have advertised the gentleman's book on 
" Speculation " more than enough, and as " the end of 
all commercial transactions is individual gain" and of 
course, according to a pessimist, a writer of a book 
has no other motive but his own gain, Erasmus Pinto 



414 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

is empowered by the Very Highest Authority to inform 
the City editor of the Times that if he thinks this 
advertisement worth a cheque, he has only to send 
one under cover to the chairman of our Committee, 
and the brokers and jobbers of the Stock Exchange 
pledge their honor as gentlemen that such cheque 
shall not be photographed, but shall be the first dona- 
tion towards a fund for the establishment of a Eefor- 
matory for hard-hearted and selfish ivealthy Specula- 
tors. 

Now, dear "Outside Fools," just hear what advice 
Sir George Campbell has just had given him by the 
Daily Telegraph of Feb. 28th. 

" We," says the writer, " will tell Sir George 
Campbell what to do, if he desires to win for himself 
lasting renown, and draw down upon his head showers 
of blessings from every English investor. Let him 
get a Select Committee to take evidence on what in 
the jargon of the Stock Exchange are known as bear 
sales, or speculative operations for the fall in parti- 
cular stocks. This is the kind of c wrecking ' which 
causes so much loss to persons who are neither 
brokers nor dealers, well nble to take care of them- 
selves, and who have, moreover, no protection from 
the law or from Stock Exchange regulations. The 
practice of selling what one has not got for the express 
purpose of depreciating prices, and thus frightening 
holders into sacrificing stock for the sole profit of the 
conspirators who seek to compass their ruin, has 
now developed into a fine art, and people talk openly 
of the next assault which is to be made on a parti- 
cular security, and of the exact procedure by sap and 
mining that is to precede the grand attack. Inas- 
much as ' bear operations ' are held by their suppor- 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 415 

ters " (our friend, the City editor of the Times, I 
suppose, is meant by the writer) " to exert a highly 
moral influence and to exercise a mysteriously puri- 
fying effect on the market, let evidence be taken 
beforehand on the matter." 

We sincerely trust and believe that Sir George 
Campbell's good sense will not be blinded by the 
words of this fond enthusiast, who in imagination 
appears to see some hostile editorial EGO tumbled 
from his " bearing pedestal," while Sir George 
Campbell is winning lasting renown from British 
investors, who vie with one another in showering 
down blessings on his head. 

Now we are not like certain spiteful reviewers, 
who, having drawn attention to the defects of a 
work, and meeting with a passage that is certainly 
apposite and likely to do good, say nothing about it, 
although these critics, dear readers of books, look 
upon you pretty much as the Times does upon the 
"foolish outsider," as good easy folk, not over- 
much blessed with sense or judgment, who can be 
led by the nose as critics, publishers, and tradesmen 
will. Why don't you wake up and show these 
" inside " fussy, cynical, critical, and editorial bodies 
that you are no more "foolish outsiders" than they, 
but for their position, and learn so fast that their cyni- 
cism shall be changed to fear, if not to admiration 
and esteem. 

No, we are not like spiteful reviewers, who bring 
out the bad and suppress the good ; and we thank 
the City editor of the Times for having the courage 
to say that " selling for the fall," or " bearing," is legi- 
timate ; but we do not agree with him that the small 
bear is the man who does the harm, or is, so to speak, 



416 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

the illegitimate bear. Our experience tells us that 
this is anything but the case. He harms himself, 
not the community. Every man of common sense 
who knows anything of the subject will admit that 
the speculator who sells for immediate or future 
delivery a commodity or stock that is too high does 
good to the community. So does every man who 
buys a stock or commodity that is too low, whether 
he pay for it then or at a future date. 

But before we go any further we must just 
premise that there is no such thing as a bullion basis 
in the business of the world, and that what are called 
Time-bargains on ' Change enter into every form of 
business in the world, in one form or other. If 
people only recognized this fact, what seems so hard 
to understand would be as clear as the day. There 
never will be such a thing as a bullion basis. The 
whole world over- trades, and if the books of three 
fourths of the members of any trading community 
were strictly scrutinized, they would show a very 
different state of things from what is mostly supposed 
by those who know nothing about it. It is just the 
same with the house-holder. It is quite the excep- 
tion for men to live within their means. 

Most over-trade, and want to be thought bigger 
than they are. There is a delightful narcotism, an 
exciting mystery, in this over trading on the part of 
the whole world that entirely eludes these radical 
reformers who want to alter human nature as a cook 
would mould a piece of paste. It never will be done. 
Anyone who will honestly forget his EGO, and, seeing 
the flaws in a system, will point them out and use his 
influence to get them removed, does a public good. 

Noisy declaimers and assertive assailants of a 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 417 

system about which they probably know nothing, 
except that they have lost money in trying to work 
it without study and self-restraint, do a great deal of 
harm, 

" Bum vitant stulti vitia in contraria currunt" says 
the satirist. " Ne quid nimis" says the philosopher. 

If fussy enthusiasts would have the moral courage 
to refuse the enticing narcotism that would make 
their judgment drunk with the vain idea that they 
are going to save their fellow-creatures by thousands 
at a time, and would give their assertive EGOS a good 
box on the ears every time they feel inclined to forget 
the meaning of these words of the satirist and 
philosopher, education would be much less hampered 
than it is. 

The enthusiast of the Telegraph says nothing about 
Riggers. 

His brother of the Times says nothing about 
Wreckers, who work by machinery, but lays the 
blame on little bears, who have scarcely more than 
they stand up in. 

As it seems so difficult to arrive at the truth, wo 
will tell you our experience. 

"Bearing," when attempted by a little man, almost 
always ends in his losing his money, whether he 
bears a good or a bad stock. 

It is only the wealthy speculator, such as a large 
financier, or those who possess superior information 
who can bear to make a profit. Why ? Because as 
soon as there are sufficient little bears in a stock, that, 
on its merits, is too high, it becomes worth the while 
of capital to fight against reason and make the bears 
close by its power. Unless it happens that capital is 
on the bears' side, the theoretical bear, who would do 



418 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

the community good by his sales, has less chance 
than the bull. Any broker of experience will tell 
you this. 

Why ? Because aggregated capital is not content 
with legitimate ' bearing,'' but prefers to get Eeason 
to sell, say a limited stock that is too high, and then 
to corner the bears, who would otherwise do good by 
their sales, and to force up the price until they must 
close for want of further means. If this were not so, 
I can assure you that whatever Mr. Crump may say 
about "bearing going against the grain," there are 
plenty of " foolish outsiders" who would sell " legiti- 
mate bears," and would even make money. But the 
public must not be allowed to make money, even if 
they free themselves from their own ignorance and 
greed, except such portion of them as are friends of 
directors, secretaries, accountants, and large finan- 
ciers. The men who do harm by " bearing" are the 
large capitalists, who combine to force down the 
good, in order to buy when they find the public has 
bought, and who combine to force up the bad when 
the public has sold. Here you have the whole mis- 
chief, and the cause is, aggregated capital in the 
hands of financiers. Why should we suppose one 
man to be so much more able to withstand the temp- 
tations of money than another. 

Is not this what is meant by the phrase, " How 
hardly shall a rich man enter into the kingdom of 
heaven." 

If legislation can reduce the power of money when 
aggregated in large sums in financiers' hands, it will 
do something worth talking about ; but I believe no 
legislation will ever do anything of the kind. But 
if you learn the tricks and dishonesty of such men, 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 419 

and the machinery of their system, dear "foolish 
outsiders," and rely more on yourselves, and less on 
interested advisers, you may do something. Bat if 
you can get the better of money, why, you are a 
match for the devil. 

I was asked by an "Outside Fool" the other day 
why the City editor of the Times last year calculated 
the price of Bailway stocks on a five per cent, basis, 
and implied that they were too dear. 

I could not tell him. He said Midlands were put 
down at 120, and yet they afterwards went to 149, 
and paid a \ per cent, more dividend. 

They were 145 some two monihs ago, and nearly 
all Railway stocks were on the eve of a great foil. 
But no calculations on a live per cent, basis appeared 
then, although this was the time to have said, " The 
bear may now do good to the community." This 
should have been done, or the other left undone. 

Theoretical Bears of Brighton, North British, 
Dover A, Metropolitan, District, Caledonian, Chatham 
Preference would have made a nice thing of it the 
last two years if they had gone against the grain, 
and tried honestly to do a little good to the com- 
munity, disregarding what capital might do with 
them. 

I fear the chance there was, dear " foolish out- 
siders," for you to bear some Bails and do good to 
the community will be over before you read this book- 
If not, it will be a northern line that is left. And 
mind you don't pick the wrong one. 

And hark ye. I am instructed* to tell you nothing 
but blunt truth and shame the devil. Don't listen to 
the advice of City editors. They are clever fellows, 
and if you go to dine with them they will treat you 



420 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

well and give you a very fair glass of wine ; but the 
" end of all commerce is individual gain." They 
can't afford any more than a broker or a jobber can 
to give you the straight tip, especially when our com- 
mission is from T l g to \ per cent., and the charge for 
their advice from sixpence to a penny per week or 
day. 

Our advice to you, Sir George Campbell, is this. 
When you are on the subject of the Wreckers, don't 
forget the Riggers. A Rigger to-day is often a Wrecker 
to-morrow. And, most of all, remember that if you 
do not inquire into the doings of the most wealthy 
magnates of finance you will never put the saddle on 
the right horse. 

Why, Sir George Campbell and Sir Henry James 
your philanthropic hair would stand on end and posi- 
tively bristle with indignant horror if you knew the 
class of men who directly and indirectly solicit u*s 
brokers and jobbers to aid in Working Rigs or Wrecks, 
as the case may be. The men who work these inter- 
esting ups and downs do anything but good to the 
community. And yet they are not the u reckless 
speculators ivith little more than they stand up in, who 
impose upon the weak and credulous" Bless your inno- 
cent hearts, my good reformers, we very soon settle 
the hash of these little speculative " bearikins." But 
I can tell you that we are often terribly afraid of the 
highly respectable, wealthy, and powerful Riggers and 
Wreckers, with ample machinery at their command, 
and not unfrequently a column or two of press leve- 
rage to help the wheels round faster. We have to 
mind lest we, too, be not caught by the silent wheels 
and Hidden Forces of this machinery that has cost the 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 421 

nation so very, very dear, and will do still till money 
in the hands of very few financial hands is better 
understood. 

How often does this money in the hands of few 
financial hands say to us brokers, " Come and help to 
shake the tree or raise the kite." And we admit that 
often we do help. We must co-operate or lose our 
living ; for if we refused, the money would soon find 
some others ready for its dirty work. 

If Sir George Campbell, or any other w r orthy 
member of Parliament, tries to suppress " bearing " 
altogether, he will only act like poor deluded 
"Mother Stewart" and the Whisky Warriors, or 
like those fond reformers who suppose that our sal- 
vation depends upon the closing of Cremorne, the 
Alhambra, and the theatres where any girl who has 
a decent leg to show, believing that " the end of all 
commerce is individual gain" shows all the leg she dare, 
because she knows so many like to see it, if it be a 
well-shaped leg, although they afterwards cry shame. 
Poor girl, is she to blame more than these Money- 
mongers and Financial Acrobats? At all events, 
she is more honest than they are. 

Repressive measures that would close one vent for 
human nature's weakness without opening another 
are the worst of all the measures of conceited, egotis- 
tic, and insane reform. 

And with regard to " the drawing down of showers of 
blessings upon Sir George's head from investors" let us 
give a word of warning to Sir George and Parlia- 
ment, for fear such waggish scribes should turn some 
honest head with hope of winning an undying fame 
—a nation's gratitude. The suppression of " legiti- 
mate bearing" would certainly enable the financial 



422 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

acrobat to keep his foreign rubbish up at a most 
dangerous price for a short time, and probably to 
t)lind once more those most foolish and ignorant 
people, the investing class. It might enable them 
to bolster Egypt up, and vow that its securities were 
cheap at par. I do not say they're not; but all I 
say is that it makes just all the difference whose 
name is at the back of these fine foreign promises to 
pay, so seldom kept. Just make it worth some good 
firm's while to take up Spanish, you would soon have 
articles to show that Spain was rich in mines and 
only wanted peace, and soon have fools to buy at 25. 
Then down would come the rubbish to its former 
price, in spite of peace and mines. Good names are 
never wanted when the game is worth the candle. But . 
suppose that the investor has been lulled again into 
a false security, and that he has again dreamt golden 
dreams in his fool's paradise, that clergymen once 
more can help to spoil (as they, poor souls, so vainly 
thought) these Moslem countries by lending at high 
interest, will these deluded creatures, when they 
wake, as wake they surely must ere long, when the 
astute loan-monger found the orange losing nearly 
all its juice, and felt inclined to throw it by, would 
these investors, whose experience had been so roughly 
bought, draw blessings down upon reformers' heads, 
who took away by suppressing " honest and pro- 
fessional inside bearing " the only check there was 
to these financial acrobats? Why, they would 
execrate, not bless. 

Investors, take- a practical man's advice. If il bear- 
ing " is to be suppressed, sell what you hold at once. 
You'll get it back much cheaper, mark my words. 
Don't mind the price at what you sell. Why, but 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 423 

for bears such as the jobbers of the House are, the 
Very soundest of all stocks would rule from ten to 
twenty per cent, lower in their price. Just contro- 
vert that fact, ye waggish scribes. It's true enough, 
ye members of our Parliament, and many of you 
know it is. But even in your august body there 
are gambling, jobbing, vain, conceited animals, 
just as in any other class of men. Deal gently with 
us brokers, I implore you, my good sirs. The devil 
is not muck blacker in our House than in your own. 
The most pernicious sort of " bearing " is that con- 
ducted by men who occupy high places of trust both 
on the continent and at home, and who use their 
superior knowledge of the future course of politics, 
and the secret plans of finance to make a raid on 
investors' pockets so as to aggrandize themselves, 
who, as the City editor's own -happy phrase has it, 
" care for no other single soul." These men send round 
false tips by bribed touts and runners, for well they 
know the weakness of human nature to follow a bigger 
man in all matters connected with finance. The big- 
ger man repays their flattery by luring them to ruin, 
seeing that "he cares for no other single soul, and that 
the end of all commerce is individual gain." Look here, 
joltheads, and jobbernols, it is not this fact that does 
the mischief, but it is the wide-spread ignorance of 
this fact. Get ye, then, as fast as brain can learn, 
the wisdom of the serpent, and still retain your 
dove-like innocence, if but ye can, ye a Outside Fools." 
The cure rests with you more than with Parlia- 
ment. 

One more word. In Foreign stocks you have all 
the continent to fight against, as well as selfish and 
hard-hearted speculators here. In Bails you have only 



424 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

directors and a few organized cliques who now and 
again like to get hold of a good thing cheap. Stick 
fast to what you've bought, and buy a little more, and 
then you'll come out right enough, if you buy good 
stocks. Directors and officials, who have superior 
knowledge of the dividends they mean to pay, the 
prospects of their stocks, the hidden causes quite 
beyond the traffic returns that can make a half or 
one per cent, difference in the dividend, of course sell 
for a fall at the right time. You see I do not call it 
" bearing," though the effect is quite as startling. 
They hold the stock, dear " Outside Fools," and their 
name is not seen on contract notes. There's no 
necessity. A friend will do the job. Money will do 
almost anything. They don't deliver, but take back 
the stock when all the bulls who thought the price 
was low have been obliged to sell. If old Nathaniel 
Seesaw had not quarrelled with his cook, and died so 
suddenly through her device, he could have told you 
some rare tales about directors' tricks. Mind, dead 
directors; not you, dear -sir, alive and hearty, who 
seem so fain to put the cap upon your head. This is 
the safe and the patrician way to bear a stock, 
enthusiasts. 

But hold ; I feel that I must not say more about 
directors, and be careful how I dare to breathe the 
august name of City editors. Our age is fearfully 
sensitive. The EGO now seems more important than 
it used to be. If, then, any tender-hearted City editor 
or director thinks that we refer to him, he is mis- 
taken. It is the system, not the men, that we have 
to do with. And we ask our critics to remember this 
in their estimate of us brokers and jobbers. We may 
be the vampires and villains some have called us, but 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 425 

we must in common justice call attention to the fact 
that we, like the Admiralty's scape-goat the other 
day, have to bear all the blame, while there are men 
whose money and position and nothing else make 
them thought better than ourselves. 

And as for bears, you need not he afraid, investors, 
of the " foolish outsider," who bears in his small way, 
or of the legitimate bear, which I consider to be a 
jobber who stands in the market to be shot at, and 
exercises his judgment as to whether a stock is too 
high or too low. He is undoubtedly a legitimate 
jobber. If you can do anything by legislation, pre- 
vent his being '• got at," as the saying is, by wealthy 
speculators, wiio know so w r ell that the end of all 
commerce is individual gain, and who, to use the 
words of the gentleman referred to before,, cuts his 
way to his profit regardless of obstacles, just as the 
surgeon's knife is plunged into the flesh, severing 
arteries, muscles, and sinews that surround the bone 
he wants to reach and saw. 

If Parliament be really in earnest, the best thing 
it could do would be this. To insist on all the news- 
papers containing in the money articles some such 
sentences as the following: — 

1. The end of all commerce is individual gain. 

2. Brokers, jobbers, and City editors ought not to 
be so exposed to temptation. 

3. " Foolish outsiders" ought to know more of the 
the stocks in which they invest their money. 

4. To further this end, that a sum be granted by 
Parliament for the establishment of professorial chairs 
at the Universities to explain the Hidden Forces 
arrayed against investors, and the peculiar power of 



426 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

capital aggregated in the hands of great financiers, 
and the, so to speak, Satanic personality of a dragon 
sovereign. 

5. That rectors, vicars, and all the clergymen be 
requested by their bishops to enlighten their congre- 
gations more upon a subject that seems so interesting 
to themselves. 

6. That every investor, or " foolish outsider," who 
can be proved to have taken a " tip" from a chair- 
man, director, broker or jobber, be put in the stocks 
publicly to be gazed upon, or have his head shaved 
by his family, and kept in close confinement. 

7. That all shareholders be advised that it is their 
real interest to combine together, and insist upon 
their directors giving up extension-schemes, and pit- 
ting their EGOS one against the other so, and that 
the best way to effect this is for the large share- 
holders not to side with the speculative element on 
the Board, but with the ordinary shareholders. 

8. That Speculation and Investment Bees be 
established in all the towns of any consequence. 

9. That the owners of newspapers be implored by 
a deputation from an impoverished and dispirited 
nation of investors and " foolish outsiders" to allow 
their City editors, without fear of consequences, to 
explain honestly and graphically to their readers the 
working of rigs, wrecks, cliques, rings, pools, corners, 
bangs, pocket orders, and all the jargon of the Ex- 
change, as the writer in the Daily Telegraph calls it, 
and that they discourse now and again upon the 
temptations to which directors are exposed, and show 
how triumphantly they resist such temptations, and 
scorn the idea that their commercial end is individual 
gain. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 427 

10. Let every " Outside Fool" say to himself, or 
aloud to his family, if he have one, " Ignorance, greed 
of gai i, and desire for mysterious excitement are my foes , 
but the greatest of these three is ignorance." 



CHAPTER LXXXIIL 

THE SCALE OF COMMISSION. 



The proper place, my dear " outsiders," to arrange 
this interesting little matter is the broker's sanctum. 
Much depends upon the amount and character of 
the business done, the means and stability of the 
client, whether he attend personally or reside at a 
distance, so as to be conveniently shot at by wire. I 
love the country client myself. As a rule he is safer, 
greener, gives less trouble, and pays much more 
commission. Some idiots who attend every day 
worry one to death with ridiculous questions, are 
continually asking prices without doing business, 
and making themselves generally nuisances and asses. 
Never mind. Erasmus Pinto is even with these 
boobies before he has done with them. 

Be straight with your brokers, and give as little 
trouble as possible, dear " outsiders," and remember 
that the commission, after all, is only a secondary 
affair. If a man tries to screw his broker down, 
he will more than take it out in the price, or if he 
do not, it is time the Lunacy Commissioners looked 
into his case. 

I will give you my scale, although, mind, I do 
this entirely on my own responsibility. If the client 
be an investor, the price will be double or more, 



428 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

according to his means and knowledge of the world : — 

A sixteenth per cent, on Consols and Foreign 
bonds. 

An eighth per cent, on English Eails. 

Sixpence per share of £1 in value or under. 

A shilling per share of £5 in value or under. 

One and sixpence per share of £10 in value or 
under. 

Two and sixpence per share of £20 in value or 
under. 

.Five shillings per share of £50 in value or under. 

Ten shillings per share for all shares above £50 
in value. 



CHAPTER LXXXIV. 

QUERIES. 



Can any learned " Outside Fool" or sapient " Inside 
Ass" answer the following questions for Erasmus 
Pinto ? They quite gravel him, they do : — 

1. Why do the South-Eastern directors chargo 
£90 per mile, the Brighton directors £102, the 
South-We8tern £120, and the Chatham £156 for 
the maintenance of permanent way? Oh, those 
able, clever men ! 

2. What is the precise psychological effect of a 
fee of £8,000 on the EGO of a professional Hail way 
Doctor ? 

3. Why has a Railway, which, according to its 
chairman, is better managed than those extremely 
well-managed concerns, the North- Western and the 
Lancashire and Yorkshire, dropped from 90 to 71 f 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 429 

after declaring a dividend of one per cent, more 
than that for the corresponding period last year? 

4. Wanted to find the exact amount of Egotism in 
a very clever savior o? derelict Railway-ships, and 
a mean plutocrat, whatever that may mean. Also a 
dinner with a real aristocrat who keeps good wine. 

5. Wanted to know the number of investing fools 
who are comparing the price of North- Western, 
which pays about 4f per cent, on the money, with 
that of Caledonian, which pays about 5-f. 

What is the canny Scot about ? For 1874 Cale- 
donians paid 2 and 5J per cent, in dividend. For 
1875 they paid 6 J and 7 J. In the summer of 1874 
the price was 90J. In the summer of 1875 it was 
130. After declaring If more dividend it has fallen 
from 137tt to 125. What are the Scotch investors 
about ? Oh ! I have it. The ship is only tacking. 
They are going to work it in a fairly liberal way. 
Well, it is time. Erasmus Pinto recommends this 
remarkable stock to the notice of investors and 
speculators who require an elegant diuretic, a nice 
diaphoretic, a brisk purgative, or a powerful stimu- 
lant. Three months' experience will be full of lively 
incident. 

6. Wanted to know the exact number of men who 
sold the North British dividend at more than 5J per 
cent., and also the exact number of those who bought 
the dividend at about 5J to 5f , and sold bears of the 
stock. The hand is not yet played out. If you 
would learn how small a man you are, dear " out- 
sider," measure your speculative address against 
North British wit. 

7. Wanted to know why the shareholders in Eng- 
lish Eailways do not hold a monster meeting to 



430 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 

discuss these important questions : The alarming 
growth of new capital, the extraordinary effect of 
projectors* pestering efforts to promote competitive 
schemes that only suck the blood from the parent 
line, the overweening influence of directors in Par- 
liament as elsewhere, and the increasing contempt 
in which the ordinary shareholder is held by 
Directorial EGO, which is becoming too clever by 
half, and has already learnt by heart this fearful, 
terrible truth, that " THE END OF ALL COM- 
MERCE IS INDIVIDUAL GAIN." As this is the 
case, dear " Outside Fools," never be tempted to 
deal in dividends. In other kinds of speculation 
you probably will lose, but in this you must. 

Let investors give up their insane habits of 
playing into the. hands of Directors, who, as a large 
shareholder aptly remarked, are more injurious to 
the large interests committed to their trust than 
Parliament, the public, or even the press. The 
half-year's dividend is often a very unsafe guide. 
Dividends before now have come out of worn-out 
sleepers, corroding boilers, and carriages fast falling 
to decay. A close examination of the accounts is 
necessary to see how the dividend has been earned. 



YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 431 



THE ATJTHOK'S FAEEYTELL TO THE 
BEADEE. 

Should any ''Outside Fool" or "Inside Ass." 

Dreaming he sees himself, and not his class, 

Depicted in these pages, say. •'• I swear 

'Tis mine own face I see/' why. let him wear 

The Fool's cap, if it prove so true a fit. 

Blame not the unoffending authors wit. 

Let Malice censure Truth, and not the pen. 

If what men do should seem so like the men. 

How strange when KNOW THTSELF is call'd the end 

Of human knowledge, it should so offend 

The EGO to be shown itself.— that self 

Which more than all it loves, ay. more than pelf! 

How strange that Ignorance is sore afraid 

Lest Truth should clip the profits of its trade. 

All ignorance is vice : the rogue's the fool 

Of fools in true philosophy's great school. 

His realms of plunder are his curse and bane, 

His selfish roguery brings loss, not gain. 

Dear reader, if you're curious to see 

The truth of this, just come and deal with me. 

Erasmus Pinto has but lash'd himself, — 

The rogue reform' d loves knowledge more than pelf. 

Reader, good-bye, though cheating's now in vogue, 

I love your " Outside Fool " more than your rogue, 

Good=bye Grammaticus. my prince of snobs. 

The venal critic's worse than one who jobs. 

I'd rather, as a broker, win my bread. 

Than drug with clever lies blind fools who read. 

Good-bye. dear brothers of our Inside Hall, 

Your humble spokesman. Pinto, thanks you all. 



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